Nobody Loves You Like Family

From Dear Abby, Monday:

DEAR ABBY: I am 27, and my wife, "Marybeth," is 26. We recently went to my folks' house for supper. That evening a heavy snowstorm was starting and, because the trip home is 30 miles, we decided to stay overnight.

My old bedroom is upstairs, as are the rooms of my brothers, ages 25, 24 and 22. The guest room is downstairs. Because the room is quite small, and Marybeth said she felt a cold coming on, we decided I'd sleep in my old room.

The next day, while we were driving home, Marybeth told me she was glad I had come to her room after all and made love to her.

Abby, it wasn't me! She had mistaken one of my brothers for me in the darkness. We are all about the same size and build.

I have talked to each of my brothers (they all know about this), but they won't say who it was for fear of causing a rift between the guilty party and me. I told them that unless I find out who it was, there will be a permanent rift between all of us. (Marybeth still doesn't know it wasn't me.)

How do I handle this? -- ENRAGED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

Now that's what I call an entertaining Dear Abby column!!

Abby, in her infinite wisdom, gave this response:

DEAR ENRAGED: While you and your brothers may have a strong family resemblance, I find it hard to believe that you all smell, taste and make love like clones. So please do not accept as gospel that your wife didn't have an inkling that it wasn't you. As to who actually crept into her bed in your absence, if your brothers won't reveal who the guilty party is, then they're all equally guilty, and I wouldn't blame you for severing ties with them.

It's time to have a serious chat with your wife and get chapter and verse on what happened that night. Then she should be tested for STDs and treated if necessary.

It is possible for a couple to get past something like this, if you're both willing to work at it. The shortest route would be with the help of a licensed family therapist.

Now, I'm no expert, but maybe Abby should have pointed out that this was basically rape, and that he should urge his wife to press for a police investigation.

For him to not have reported it already... well it makes me suspicious that the letter writer is either a phony or wanted the liason to happen all along. Why else would he not tell his wife and call the police?

And note to my female readers: don't date any guys from any town 30 miles from Rochester.