Creamy, Chocolaty Christ Offends Catholics



Your tastebuds salivated when New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin announced plans to rebuild the city out of chocolate. Now, chocolate-lovers, there's a way to satisfy your sweet tooth and your need for spiritual fulfilment. That's right. Your own, personal, chocolate Jesus.

Now I'm Jewish, so I can't claim to know what the hubbub is about the guy, but clearly, he was someone special. And I know the Catholics love eating his body. But I could never understand why that body was made out of little bland wafer cookies. I always thought, hey, if this guy's so special, how come he doesn't taste more delicious??

Clearly, artist Cosimo Cavallaro feels the same way. Which is why, I assume, he re-created Jesus's body in all his chocolaty glory. He planned on putting it on display at a hotel here in New York City. Strangely, some people are offended by Cosimo's depiction. Perhaps they're diabetics.

Apparently, the main point of contention is the fact that choco-Jesus is naked. I can see why this is an issue. Who wants to be the guy stuck with.. er.. eating the messiah's you-know-what? I'm sure it's just as tasty as the rest of our savior, but so totally not worth the jokes you'll have to endure.

Still, I'm surprised at the backlash. Bill Donahue (no relation to Phil), head of the Catholic League, called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever." The Romans throwing them to the lions coming in a close second, of course.

"All those involved are lucky that angry Christians don’t react the way extremist Muslims do when they’re offended—otherwise they may have more than their heads cut off," Bill said.

You said it Bill. If only Christians weren't so damn non-violent, then you could carry out the revenge you really desire!


Not As Friendly As He Looks...

Part of me thinks there might be a bit of a racial thing here. Would Bill be opposed to a Jesus made from white chocolate?? Think about it.

Or perhaps they simply wanted him covered in a candy shell. After all, you want Jesus to melt in your heart, not in your hands.

(insert boooos here)

And this is not even the first time a holy figure has been depicted in chocolate form. Just last year, God himself designed a chocolate Virgin Mary. "I have big problems right now, personally, and lately I've been saying that God doesn't exist," the woman who found the chocolate virgin said. "This has given me renewed faith."

If a three inch Virgin Mary could restore one woman's faith, think about what a 6 foot tall chocolate Jesus could do. Alas, we won't find out. After much complaining, the unveiling of the chocolate Jesus was cancelled.

The Catholic League, in the Christian spirit of forgiveness, had this to say:

“While we are delighted with the outcome, we are not pleased with the comments of the gallery’s creative director, Matt Semler. For him to say that our objection to this outrageous display constitutes hate speech and is the equivalent of a fatwa shows how deliriously irresponsible this man is.

“Because we did not like the way the Roger Smith Hotel handled the decision to drop the display, we have no intention of contacting the 500 organizations that we alerted to this assault on Christian sensibilities to inform them that the exhibition has been cancelled.”

Because, apparently, the Catholic League wants its members to waste their time traveling to the hotel, only to find out they've already succeeded. That'll show em!!?

As a Jew, I may never be able to understand why people believe Jesus is made out of crackers. But from what I've seen and read about, I don't think Jesus would be too upset about this whole chocolate thing. I mean, people nailed him to a cross... is he really gonna get in a tizzy about someone portraying him as a dessert? It seems to me that if he was a-ok with the first thing, then this whole chocolate business wouldn't really faze him.

So Cosimo, consider this an open invite to bring your sweet savior over to my place. As long as I get to choose which part to eat first.