1st Beaver Spotted In NYC In 200 Years
By Jose the Beaver
Yo. What's up? Jose here. You know, NYC's first beaver in 200 years. You're probably wondering what I'm doing in town. Well you know what? It's none of your business.
If you must know, I've been living in Hoboken until I could afford the NYC rent. You know how much a single-occupancy beaver dam in Manhattan is going for these days? Forget about it.
Plus, I've been layin low. Us beavers haven't been too popular lately. First, Leave it to Beaver got cancelled. Then, Beaver College changed their name to Arcadia University. And I heard that Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan SHAVED theirs! I don't even wanna know what that means.
Yeah, it's not easy being North America's largest rodent. The American Indians used to revere me. Now, you Americans accuse me of messing up the ecosystem with my dams, meanwhile, you're dumping crap in my river. Well, I say, dam you all to hell.
Ok, I'm sorry. That was harsh. But for over a hundred years, you dumped the most disgusting filth imaginable into the Hudson, the Bronx River and the East River, and you expected us Beavers to just stick around? The only reason I'm back is because the suburbs are so damn boring. Us Beavers like to go where the action is.
And New York City has never been a better place for beaver action. You see how many Christmas trees were out on the curb last month? Enough to build a hundred quality dams. And don't get me started on the culinary and cultural delights. The sets of "Lennon" and "High Fidelity" were delicious to chew on, and New York Magazine, you were right about new East Village hotspot Momofuku: I think they've got the best chopsticks in town.
So yeah, I'm back. But please, if you see me walking down the street, listening to my iPod, please don't get in my face and try to give me a hug. Beavers don't like to be touched without permission. And only my girlfriend gets that.
But feel free to send me an email telling me about all the hot new beaver spots in the city. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org. And please, keep our waterways clean.