I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Steroid



"I have never used steroids, period." -Rafael Palmeiro, to Congress

"Well, when I said 'period,' I actually meant, 'knowingly.'" -Rafael Palmeiro, this week.

Here's My proposed steroid rules for baseball:

Rule 1: Players are responsible for all chemicals found in their bodies. They are responsible for knowing whether or not a supplement has illegal steroids in it. "Not knowing" is no longer an acceptable excuse.

Rule 2: Three strikes you're out is baseball-talk. The steroids policy will be two-strikes, you're out... of baseball, for good, including the Hall-O-Fame. They kicked Shoeless out, and Pete Rose out, and neither of them tarnished baseball the way steroid users have this past decade.

Rule 3: A first offense will result in a month suspension, regardless of the reasons behind a positive test. A player can appeal the suspension only by immediately consenting to a retest. A player can shorten the suspension only by getting a clean result on the retest and by speaking to schoolchildren about the dangers of steroids.

Rule 4: All records of all players who test positive for steroids shall be considered null and void. Welcome back, Roger Maris, to the top of record books.

Rule 5: Bud Selig, baseball commissioner, is hereby demoted to "Official Hot Dog Salesperson." The new commisioner will be Mr. Met, that lovable New York mascot.



Rule 6: The Philly Fanatic will serve as new MLB spokesperson. Anna Benson will serve me.



Rule 7: All Boston Fans who chant "2000" at Yankees fans will be summarily shot. It's been four years... we're not sweatin.



Rule 8: Jose Canseco shall be appointed "Man in Charge of Outing Steroid Users." He is also hereby banned from appearing on his own Reality TV show, "No Way Jose."



Rule 9: The "Giambi Rule." Those who test positive for steroids a first time must publicly apologize, saying the following phrase. "I am sorry I used steroids. I set a poor example for our nation's youth, and betrayed my fans. I will work to regain your trust, and will humbly serve out my suspension. Thank you." Any other statement that may fall short of a full admission of responsibility will be deemed unacceptable and will make the player and his less talented brother subject to a one year ban.



Rule 10: Any MLB staff, personel, or officials found guilty of hiding steroid evidence, witholding information about players using steroids, or providing assistance in beating drug tests shall be fired and made to do the chicken dance at the seventh inning stretch.


((gratuitous hot girl doing the chicken dance))

Rule 11: If these rules are adopted, I get a free front row seat for every game, next to the dugout on the first base side. And a free beer dammit.