Opiate Of The Asses



I'm not ashamed to say it. I believe in God. Does he have a white beard and a deep, booming voice? Does he really dig pipe organ music?? I'm not so sure.

But what I am sure of is this. One reason God doesn't appear to us is that a good number of us humans are totally, freaking nuts.

Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are among several celebrities who have restraining orders against some of their overly rabid fans. Can you imagine how many restraining orders God would have to get if he was walking around down here? Have you seen some of these nutballs???


God Would Not Give This Woman An Autograph

Two recent stories are perfect examples of how looney tunes some of these so-called religious people can be.

In the Sudan, a nation known for its religious tolerance and abundant good cheer, a British schoolteacher at the Unity High School was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her elementary school class to name a teddy bear "Mohammad."

Nevermind that "Mohammad" is the MOST POPULAR NAME IN THE MUSLIM WORLD. For some reason, it's ok to give the name Mohammad to your son (who may grow up to become a drug addict, criminal, or any number of things offensive to the prophet's name), but to give that name to a teddy bear is illegal.

Fortunately, the Sudanese people are outraged by the verdict. Unfortunately, they're outraged because they believe the teacher's punishment was NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

At least 600 Islamic demonstrators spilled out of mosques after prayers, chanting: "By soul, by blood, I will fight for the Prophet Mohammad."

Some of the protesters demanded the teacher's execution, according to The Associated Press. The agency reports that some chanted: "No tolerance: Execution" and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad."

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan," a prominent cleric added.

Apparently, these extremist Muslims believe that even with all the poverty, war, and endless misery in the Islamic world, God is most pissed off that some teacher would have the nerve to let her students name a stuffed animal after his prophet.

If God wants his followers to murder someone over that... well just imagine what other offenses he wants his people to kill for.

Extremist Islamic Guy: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?

Guy: What?

ETG: You double-dipped the chip.

Guy: Excuse me?

ETG: You dipped the chip, took a bite, and then you dipped again.

Guy: So?

ETG: Infidel!!!! (stabs guy with knife)

George Is Lucky He's Not In Sudan

I'm no prophet, but I think the almighty has more important things to worry about.

The other story in the news today is even more tragic. A 14-year-old boy had a 70% chance of surviving leukemia if he got a blood transfusion. He chose not to.

Why? he was a Jehovah's Witness. And they don't believe in blood transfusions. According to the boy's religion, he wasn't allowed to live. God wanted him to die.

The same God that allowed mankind to create medical breakthroughs that could save his life, didn't want the boy to use those medical breakthroughs to save his life.

These may be extreme examples, but they're not the only ones. There's people who say we'd all be better off without religion. I don't think that's true. But clearly, we'd be better off if God could just get restraining orders against all the nutjobs.

Perhaps he should hire Nicole's lawyer.

What They Were Thinking


Bush welcomes Gore and other 2007 Nobel Prize winners to the White House

Sesame Street Bad For Kids?


Horrifying!

Just in time for the holidays, season 1&2 of Sesame Street are available on DVD. Just don't buy it for your kids!

The DVD is labeled with a warning to parents, cautioning them that these seasons of Sesame Street are not for today's youth. Apparently, kids today are stupider than ever before, and could be forever harmed by the subtle negative images portrayed in this pre-correctness-era classic. Cookie Monster evily encourages obesity. Oscar may drive kids to suicide. Burt and Ernie fool our kids into thinking homosexuality is fun!!! Egads!!!

I watched Sesame Street and I think I turned out okay. But I guess on some subconcious level, I was set down a path of destruction and doom because Snuffleufugus was just a figment of Big Bird's imagination.

Sheesh. Who knew?

In other news, this is what happens when your football team in 2-9. This is embarassing for Jets fans. They honor future hall-of-famer Jets running back Curtis Martin at halftime, and these guys are out chanting for tits? Buy a porno and keep the pervertedness at home.

Have A Guilt-Free Thanksgiving



Thanksgiving is here again, and that means you'll probably be sitting down with the family to eat turkey, give thanks for your bounty, and recall our ancestors' joyous feast with the Native Americans.

Of course, you may feel guilty about participating in a mass slaughter of the bird Ben Franklin once described as "a Bird of Courage, [who] would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on." And you might have some qualms about celebrating your good fortune in the midst of so much worldwide poverty. And perhaps you view that joyful celebration with the Native Americans as phase one in a dark, scandalous plan to infect the natives with smallpox and slowly conquer their land. Not to mention how you feel about throwing away all that wasted food and the fear of sporting a bloated, bulbous stomach into the holiday season.

Here's five ways you can stop your Thanksgiving from becoming "Thanksguilting":

1. Adopt A Turkey

Yes, it is the turkey's fault for being so moist and delicious. But that doesn't mean turkeys don't deserve to live a fruitful life. At AdoptATurkey.org, $20 pays a turkey's room and board at a farm animal sanctuary in beautiful Watkins Glen, New York or Orland, California. You get a color photograph of your turkey, an adoption certificate and a year subscription to Farm Sanctuary's quarterly newsletter. Or you can home adopt a turkey and provide lifelong care for your new pet... carnivores need not apply.


Only Vegetarians Think This Cartoon Is Funny

2. Pay Back The Native Americans

You can't really make up for the injustices native Americans suffered at the hands of our ancestors. But you can help build a better future for their descendants. Donate to The American Indian College Fund, which helps provide scholarships and other support for the nation's tribal colleges and universities. Help Red Feather Development Group build a house for a native American community. And educate your family by watching Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, the powerful, Emmy-award winning, HBO-produced drama based on the U.S. government treatment of the Sioux after the battle of Little Big Horn (Tonight 10:30 on HBO2).

3. Feed The Hungry

The best thing you can do is to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. But if you can't handle getting "hands on," then how about donating money or food online to Second Harvest? Aspiring musicians can make a song about fighting hunger and contribute it to FightHunger.org. Or you can help out your favorite charity by using GoodSearch.com instead of Yahoo! and Google. They donate 50% of their ad revenue to the charities users pick.

4. Have An Eco-Friendly Thanksgiving

Save the environment while you expand your waistline. About.com has some generic tips on going green this holiday season. The Nature Conservancy suggests buying a slow-raised, organic "Heritage Turkey" and calculating ways to limit the carbon emissions your travel plans may cause. Take the Treehugger challenge and use only ingredients produced less than 100 miles from your home.

5. Do The Turkey Trot

Thanksgivings bring families together... which means you'll finally have enough people to make your very own sporting event! Have the family compete in a friendly race (the turkey trot). Or set up a game of flag football in the backyard. The more physical activity you do beforehand, the better that turkey will taste.

Well, there you have it. Any suggestions from you out there on how to make your Turkey Day guilt-free??

From MySpace To Murder - Part II



Almost exactly two years ago, I wrote one of the first articles to note the phenomenon of "personal" social networking profiles and blogs suddenly becoming very public due to their author's notoriety after a newsworthy event: a piece about 14-year-old Kara Borden and her 18-year-old paramour, David Ludwig. David was convicted of killing Kara's parents when they refused to allow her to date him. Their online profiles provided reporters and the public a small window into a relationship that led to tragedy.

Since then, we've seen countless examples of news organizations using information from the Facebook, MySpace and YouTube accounts of individuals who become newsworthy due to crime and scandal. The latest involves a University of Washington student, Amanda Knox, age 20, who allegedly aided and abetted the murder of her roommate, Meredith Kercher, 21, a British exchange student, while the two were studying abroad in Italy.

The sordid details of the murder drew international attention. At first, the police were baffled. They looked through the victims Facebook pictures for clues.

After a friend of the victim mentioned strange men that had visited the apartment with Amanda, the victims roommate was questioned. Amanda's story didn't seem to add up. She acted odd and changed her story when confronted by police. Then Amanda's online profiles were uncovered.

Amanda had a MySpace and Facebook profile, and even was featured in a short YouTube video. In the context of the grisly murder, Amanda's online persona takes on a chilling tone.

On her MySpace page, Amanda goes by the handle "Foxy Knoxy" The British press has already adopted this nickname to refer to Amanda in their sensational headlines. Schoolmates allege Amanda was constantly bringing strange men to her apartment for sex.

Her profile states that she doesn't drink or smoke, but her YouTube video seems to indicate otherwise:



In her MySpace blog, she wrote a short story about the drugging and rape of a young woman:

"A thing you have to know about chicks is that they don't know what they want," one of her characters says.

Her MySpace account links her to one of the other suspects involved. A man she allegedly carried out the crime with is referred to on the MySpace page:

"I've been working every night (except for Monday night) from 10pm to 2.30am at a bar called Le Chic. It's a really small place owned by this man from the Congo. His name is Patrick."

News outlets have picked up on all this. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer questions whether or not online profiles are "fair game" for journalists to pick at. As the Seattle Crime Blog puts it, sarcastically:

How foolish we reporters are, thinking that something somebody puts up on the Internet is - gasp! - public information. The Internet is "a place to share and be open." ...Amanda Knox was open, and the media is sharing. Shocking, I know.

As I said two years ago, an online profile will never give an exact picture of a person, infamous or not. But in the case of sudden noteriety, everything on an online profile becomes open to interpretation. Reporters and the public seek out an online profile so they can attempt to sort out who a person is. Amanda is vehemently defended by friends back home, but pretty much vilified in this news article. What side of the story does the online profile, the only thing actually written by the defendant, seem to support? On one hand, Amanda liked Disney's The Lion King and listed her mom as her hero. On the other hand, she wrote stories about rape and refered to herself with a sexual nickname. How wholesome was she?


Amanda's (Now Public) MySpace Pictures

It's an answer the courts will decide for sure, but for now, Amanda's online persona invites the world to speculate. Amanda, like Kara and David before her, serve as reminders that online profiles are very public indeed, and users would be wise to be concious of what they reveal. Amanda is just the latest MySpacer to find that, in times of trouble, your "My Space" can become everyone's.

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Meredith's friends have set up a Facebook Group in her memory.