Fountain Lady Has Lawyer, But Absolutely No Case

This video is hilarious:



This video is sad: "Fountain Lady" Ponders Lawsuit

The original video posted on YouTube did not identify the woman, and the resolution of the tape is insufficient to identify the woman either. The only reason the woman was identified was because she identified herself as the bumbling texter, gave interviews to newspapers and went on television.

So did the video cause her humiliation? Or did she?

She also claims no one came to her aid. As is apparent in the video, not many people saw her. Only one person in the video can be seen looking directly at the incident... and he approaches the woman to ask if she's alright.

The woman got up and out of the fountain swiftly. She didn't appear injured, just embarrassed. Was this something mall security really had to respond to? This seems like something that's not part of their job description.

But now of course, she's planning to sue.

Given the video evidence, she'd fail in court. The threatened lawsuit is simply a ploy to extract a settlement from a mall owner who probably won't want to spend the money to lawyer up. The woman's lawyer is betting they'll settle for a sum less than potential lawyer fees and court costs. Meanwhile, the woman's lawyer will get a percentage of the settlement and some free publicity for his practice.

The irony is, the woman could have spun this into considerably more money by NOT suing. She could have taken advantage of her comic pratfall, spinning it into ads for cell phone unlimited texting plans or one of those, "Wanna Get Away?" Southwest Airlines commercials. I mean, that crying Britney Spears guy made a few bucks, any YouTube viral star should be able to.

Now she's just another sad example of America's love affair with litigation.

If You Don't Believe In Jesus, Don't Live In Alabama

The new governor of Alabama was sworn in yesterday. As governor, it will be his responsibility to make sure everyone in his state is protected equally under the law. Except those damn Jews, Buddhists, Muslims,and Atheists.

"[I am] governor of all of Alabama — Democrat, Republican and independent, young and old, black and white, rich and poor," Robert Bentley told the crowd at Montgomery's Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church, according to the Birmingham News. "If you're a Christian and you're saved... it makes you and me brother and sister... if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister..."

So if his wife is Christian, does that mean he's committing incest?

UPDATE: The governor has offered a half-assed, non-apology apology:

"What I would like to do is apologize. Should anyone who heard those words and felt disenfranchised, I want to say, 'I'm sorry.'"

(emphasis mine)

Minnesota Paper, MSNBC Invent Horoscope Horror



So yesterday, I almost had a heart attack. I read an article on MSNBC that claimed Zodiac signs had recently changed, due to "Earth's wobble." Yes, because of Earth's weak cankles, I was no longer a Gemini.

This was like learning my dad isn't really my dad, or that I've secretly been living in a giant snow globe all my life. Hell no, I am not a damn Taurus.

I wasn't the only one who panicked. According to Yahoo, searches on "zodiac signs" went through the roof.

The original report apparently came from the Minnesota Star Tribune:

"When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it's really not in Pisces," said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.

But this morning, Kunkle's quote was proved to be total baloney. According to Yahoo, Kunkle's statement was based on a form of Eastern astrology, called Sidereal astrology. We use the sensible kind of astrology, Western astrology.

"It's a huge point of confusion for the public," says Bing Quock, assistant director of Morrison Planetarium at the California Academy of Sciences. For those who follow Western astrology, "astrologers are not talking about the constellations at all. When an astrologer says the sun is in a certain sign, they're talking about the sign, the location relative to the equinox. They're not talking about the location of the constellations. "

A recent shift in Eastern astrology signs would still be considered some sort of news, if not the panic-inducing variety. However... it's not new news. The shift happened thousands of years ago and Eastern astrology accounted for the shift with the advent of modern astronomy hundreds of years ago.

What's the deal, Star Tribune and MSNBC? Slow news day? Couldn't interview the Arizona shooter's neighbor's cousin's best friend's manicurist's dry cleaner? Media organizations should have to pay a fine for upsetting people with bullcrap articles. And they should pay it to me.

Clearly, the lesson here is never trust a man named Parke Kunkle. Instead, trust people named Bing Quock.

New Facebook Profile Oddity

My Facebook profile was recently updated... and I find one thing a little bit odd:

Picture Censored To Protect Privacy, Potential Embarrassment

Why is it necessary to identify my family members as (male) or (female) in such a prominent way? Most everyone on Facebook lists their sex on their profile, but nowhere else on the site does someone's sex appear directly next to his or her name. I could understand it if this were Pat, or Alex, or Dee Snider, but Mark and Adam? I think it's pretty obvious they're not ladies.

Someone from Facebook care to explain this strange design choice?

Snowpocalypse!!!!

On the left is the final image of the 2004 blockbuster movie The Day After Tomorrow. On the right, is the current coverage of snow across North America (click to enlarge).

Bygads! Why, oh why didn't we listen to Al Gore, Roland Emmerich and Jake Gyllenhaal?? Now, certainly, a Russian freighter will somehow beach itself in front of the New York Public Library and scores of super-strength wolves will attack us.

And I didn't even get a snow day today!