So yesterday, I almost had a heart attack. I read an article on MSNBC that claimed Zodiac signs had recently changed, due to "Earth's wobble." Yes, because of Earth's weak cankles, I was no longer a Gemini.
This was like learning my dad isn't really my dad, or that I've secretly been living in a giant snow globe all my life. Hell no, I am not a damn Taurus.
I wasn't the only one who panicked. According to Yahoo, searches on "zodiac signs" went through the roof.
The original report apparently came from the Minnesota Star Tribune:
"When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it's really not in Pisces," said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.
But this morning, Kunkle's quote was proved to be total baloney. According to Yahoo, Kunkle's statement was based on a form of Eastern astrology, called Sidereal astrology. We use the sensible kind of astrology, Western astrology.
"It's a huge point of confusion for the public," says Bing Quock, assistant director of Morrison Planetarium at the California Academy of Sciences. For those who follow Western astrology, "astrologers are not talking about the constellations at all. When an astrologer says the sun is in a certain sign, they're talking about the sign, the location relative to the equinox. They're not talking about the location of the constellations. "
A recent shift in Eastern astrology signs would still be considered some sort of news, if not the panic-inducing variety. However... it's not new news. The shift happened thousands of years ago and Eastern astrology accounted for the shift with the advent of modern astronomy hundreds of years ago.
What's the deal, Star Tribune and MSNBC? Slow news day? Couldn't interview the Arizona shooter's neighbor's cousin's best friend's manicurist's dry cleaner? Media organizations should have to pay a fine for upsetting people with bullcrap articles. And they should pay it to me.
Clearly, the lesson here is never trust a man named Parke Kunkle. Instead, trust people named Bing Quock.