What Is A Republican? What Is A Democrat?

The GOP is thinking about making its members take a test in order to qualify for party funding. They're given a list of the ten core principles of the Republican party, and if they disagree with 3 or more of them, then they will be fed to Rush Limbaugh, presumably.

Here's the GOP list:

(1) Smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill

(2) Market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) Market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) Workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check

(5) Legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) Victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) Containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat

(8) Retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) Protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) The right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership

I don't score too well. But what's interesting about this test is that all of these ten are given equal weight. Are you pro-choice and believe in Gay marriage? Well as long as you're okay with everything else, the GOP would still consider you Republican. Two of the biggest Republican issues right now, and you could safely take the democratic side without losing precious party funding.

What would the Democratic test be? I thought up this list:

(1) Oppose big-brother government initiatives like the Patriot Act, Guantanamo Bay, and torture programs.

(2) Support a progressive tax structure that relieves the tax burden of middle and working class Americans

(3) Oppose drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge, support environmental controls and renewable energy

(4) Support maintaining separation between church and state

(5) Support cultural diversity and immigration reform, including amnesty for current illegal immigrants

(6) Support removal of American troops from Iraq and Afghanistan by shifting responsibility to locals and other coalition forces.

(7) Support a foreign policy of diplomatic engagement and working together with our allies.

(8) Oppose the Defense of Marriage Act and other efforts to strip homosexuals of their rights

(9) Support the Supreme Court decision of Roe vs. Wade

(10) Support government-run social programs as a means of ensuring equal freedom for all economic classes.

Sure, the Democrats have a big tent, but most people in it can get behind at least 8 of these ten.

In other news, the Greens are planning a purity test too, but nobody cares.

Bill Simmons

An article like this is why Bill Simmons has become such a popular sportswriter. The guy writes like a sports fan. Like an educated sports fan. Reading this, you can't help but think it's the final word on this Bill-Belichick-going-for-it on-fourth-and-2-from-his-own-28-with-the-lead-late-in-the-game-vs-Indy-controversy. Can you argue with his logic?

Sure, if the Patriots make it, the game's over. But the game's probably over if they punt it too. By not punting, the game is definitely NOT over. In fact, it makes it pretty likely you lose.

Bellicheat sucks.

This Is How You Promote Girls Soccer

Forget Mia Hamm And Brandi Chastain.

Why focus on the beauty, grace, and inspiration of a sport when you can focus on girls in shorts attacking one another brutally??





That pigtail throwdown is brutal. Now that's entertainment! (/sad state of today's youth, etc. etc.)

#27, Let The Ticker-Tape Parade Commence



[[NOTE: Get Your Tickets To City Hall Plaza, HERE]]

I was in a ridiculously crowded bar last evening (Blind Pig, on 14th Street) when Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in the history of the game, closed out the New York Yankees 27th World Series Championship.

The atmosphere was electric. With every windup came the quickly accelerating claps and stomps that have become the traditional last sound opposing batters hear right before a two-strike cut fastball sends them back to the dugout. When that harmless grounder was scooped up by Robbie Cano, and shoveled to Mark Teixeira at first, you could feel the bar momentarily leave the ground.

The Yankees Win!! Thhheeee Yankees Win!!!!!!

My friend Jay was at the game. I had chosen a tragic, mist soaked Game 1. I hate that bastard right now.

I plan to go to the ticker-tape parade tomorrow, and if your do too, here's some things you should know:

First, an excellently illustrated blog post on the importance of getting there EARLY: The Anatomy of A NYC Parade.

Second, a parade primer:


Click To Enlarge

Third, the parade route map:


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And finally, practical advice from around the interweb on how to land a choice spot:

This Will Not Happen To You: Best Parade Ever (Seriously)

One Man's Good Spot: Broadway nr. John St.

Live Blog Of The Giants 2008 Parade: He gets there at 9:21, and that's cutting it close.


My First Ticker Tape Parade They get there around 9:00.


Could This Person See Anything? "Toomer, I Think"

"People were already lined up in front of Trinity Church this morning when I left for work and cars were rolling down Broadway honking incessently – all 4 hours before the Giants even showed up."

This is from the Mayor's Office:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced today that the City will hold a public ticket giveaway at 2:00 PM today through 311, NYC.gov and Twitter for the ceremony honoring the 2009 World Series Champion New York Yankees at City Hall Plaza on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 1:00 PM. The 1:00 PM ceremony, where Mayor Bloomberg will present the Yankees with Keys to the City, will follow the ticker-tape parade up the Canyon of Heroes that begins at 11:00 AM. The sidewalks lining the parade route along Broadway from Battery Place to Chambers Street are open to all members of the public, and the City will set up a large screen near City Hall Park for members of the public to watch the subsequent ceremony. There is very limited space on City Hall plaza for the ceremony itself.

The City will conduct a public giveaway for 500 tickets to the ceremony on Thursday, November 5th from 2:00 PM to 4:00 PM through www.NYC.gov/parade and 311. People will also be able to access the entry form through the New York City Mayor's Office Twitter page: twitter.com/NYCMayorsOffice. New Yorkers 18 years and over will have an opportunity to enter the giveaway by visiting www.NYC.gov/parade or calling 311 and selecting the Parade Giveaway menu option. There will not be an opportunity to enter the giveaway before 2:00 PM, and it will end promptly at 4:00 PM. Entrants may only enter once and request two tickets, and will be asked to give their name, email address and phone number in order to enter. Members of the public can become a follower of the New York City Mayor's Office Twitter page by visiting twitter.com/NYCMayorsOffice.

Get There Early, People. Otherwise, don't bother.

Conflict Of Interest

Never before have two of my interests collided so tragically. The final season of Lost, the greatest show ever made, will be preempted for two weeks because of the Winter Olympics, a sporting extravaganza I once attended in Lillehammer, Norway and love to watch as well (I once pretended to be a speed skater to pick up a chick... it failed miserably).

Can't the creators of Lost find some solution other than stopping the season for two weeks? Like maybe they can do some crossover episode in which Hurley attempts the luge in order to escape the Others, and John Locke shows off his deadly accuracy while biathlon-ing through an ice age version of the mysterious island?

Hey, there was a polar bear on Lost once. And Ben Linus does look bad-ass in a parka.


If Ben could push this...


... then couldn't he push this?

I'm just sayin, lets be creative here. Maybe change the time slot for those two weeks of Lost to coincide with a Winter Olympics event no one really wants to watch, like Curling. It's shuffleboard on ice, people! You don't watch shuffleboard, do you?

Yeah yeah. I know, keep dreamin. Bob Costas better bring his A game.