Jewish Fantasy Baseball - Week 1 and 2 Report
The Major League Jews got off to a good start in week 1, but ultimately couldn't overcome the Grady Sizemore-led "WVRangersbaseball" squad. They fell in a heartbreaker, 223 - 202. Leading the way for the Jew Crew was Ian Kinsler, who went 8 for 23, with 2 HRs and 8 RBIs. The biggest surprise? Kinsler's backup, the usually light-hitting David Eckstein, who earned 15 points batting 5 for 24, with 3 runs scored and 2 RBI. Will Eckstein overtake Kinsler or Khalil Greene in the starting lineup? No. But he did outperform fellow JINO Mike Jacobs, who started in the Utility spot with only 9 points.
Jacobs wasn't the only guy on the team to disappoint however. Gabe Kapler embarassed himself by striking out against the Yankees. Striking out against outfielder Nick Swisher, who hadn't pitched since high school. Yikes, Gabe. Better "soup up" with some matzo balls before the next game.
Week 2 was a triumphant victory for the Stars of David. Fresh off a matzo and macaroon diet, the Homerin Hebrews outplayed "3Cardinals," 241 to 200. The shabbat candles were lit by a Golem-like Ian Kinsler, who earned 56 points in a monster week: 15 for 27, 4 doubles, a triple, 2 HR, 9 R, 6 RBI, 3 BB, and 6 stolen bases. Oh... and I forgot to mention: He hit for the cycle. The first Jew to do so? I don't know. But he was the first ANYONE to hit for the cycle and go 6 for 6 in the same game. Mazel Tov!
Mike Jacobs redeemed a lackluster first week with 39 points: 4 HRs, 6 runs and 8 RBIs. And Eckstein continued to hammer the challah: 20 points on 9 for 21 hitting, 3 doubles, 3 runs and 3 RBI.
This week, the Synagogue Sluggers take on "TheCubs-vs-TheGoat," a team led by Jose Reyes and a disturbing amount of Chicago Cubs players. Elijah Dukes and Brad Ausmus make their Jewish Fantasy Baseball debuts for 2009 (Schneider is on the DL, Schafer is struggling). So give extra to Tzedakah this week, our boys are gonna need all the nachas they can get.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Why I Think Pot Should Still Be Illegal
Yoooo, duuuude. It's four-twenty, man. Fore- twen - tee. 420!!! Haha. You guys know what I'm talking about. Well, maybe not you losers. You don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you think you know what I'm talking about, but what I'm talking about isn't what you think I'm talking about. Even though I'm not actually talking, I'm writing. But you cool people know what I'm talkin about. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. 420. Gathering together a few of your best buds, putting on some Phish, kickin back and chillin until someone says "I really feel like some White Castle," and you say, "Yeah man, me too," and then you drive there and it takes for-evvv-ver but then you eat some chicken rings dipped in honey mustard and you're like, "Dude, who ever came up with a chicken ring?" And your friend is like, yo, "Check it, I can blow a smoke ring through a chicken ring!" And you're like, "Awesome!"
Ah yes. 420. Like Christmas in April, except you burn trees instead of decorating them. And instead of Santa Claus, there's Seth Rogen. He doesn't come down your chimney, he smokes like one. Trust me, those jokes are wayyy funny if you're high.
But some people want to spend 420 gettin all protesty. Seems they want 420 to be less about a secret club of burners gettin high, and more about petitioning the Federal government to legalize Mary Jane. What a buzzkill.
Why you all out protestin? Come on man. It's 420. Spark it up. If you get busted by the cops, it's because you're being stupid. You stanked up your entire apartment building, and the neighbors called the cops? That's your bad dude. Not everyone likes the smell of weed. If it was legal, you'd still be an asshole for making poor old Miss McGillicutty wear a clothespin on her nose.
You got busted while hotboxing on the Garden State Parkway? That's your bad, dude. Fumbling with a lighter while doing 65 MPH? If pot was legal, you'd still be an idiot for driving while intoxicated.
You got busted while burning at a concert? Dude, cigarettes are banned at most concerts and public gatherings now. And there's some 8 year old with their dad sitting next to you. If weed was legal, you'd still be an asshole for blowing smoke all over people who may not want it.
You think legalized weed would be a free-for-all fun-happy-land with weed at every corner drugstore? Guess what? The government would tax the shit the same as cigarettes, you'd probably be paying just as much as you do now. Grow a plant in your backyard? You could, but when was the last time you grew anything? What are you, Farmer John? You got a degree in botany? Face it dude, you killed that cactus your girlfriend bought you. You'd still be buying from other people.
We live in a country that's slowly pushed cigarette smokers to the outside of everything. Legalized weed would put you right next to them. And you'd still be reprimanded for being high at work, high at your sister's piano recital, high at school. Just because it's legal doesn't mean everyone's gonna suddenly be okay with you ripping into a bag of Doritos, babbling about the hidden message in the Lord of the Rings movie and falling asleep at your desk. They'll still think you're an idiot.
Sure, there would never be a situation where you couldn't get pot. But think about it. That means no more road trips to your friend at college in Vermont because it seems the whole Northeast has suddenly gone dry. No more of those moments when you're meeting two guys from the Bronx at the rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, just because your local boys fell through. No more searching for that one nugget you swore you dropped somewhere behind your dresser two years ago. No more being that kid who shows up to the party, and makes a dozen friends just by uttering those four magic words, "Yo, anybody wanna burn?"
Instead, you'll have Edwin Schrint, band geek, showing up behind the Denny's with a pack of Marlboro Ultra Danks, forcing you to find a new hangout spot to avoid him.
When the person who handed you your first joint said, "Everybody's doing it," they didn't mean "Everybody." They meant, "Everybody cool, everybody adventurous. Everybody fun and unconventional. Everybody interesting and daring." They didn't mean Mrs. Bitterman, the teacher who gave you an F for not showing the work on your math test.
Keep the potheads out of jail. Fine. But don't suddenly say, "Pot is legal," and open the door to everyone not cool enough to figure out how to smoke, discreetly and privately. Don't take away the rituals (Febreeze, a wet towel, Pure Citrus Air Freshener) and the secrets that make burning such a unique bonding experience. And in a country where smoking-related illness costs millions of dollars, and millions of lives a year, don't suddenly send the message, "Smoking is Ok because its legal." Why open that can of worms?
I've been around enough people who smoke to know that there are some people who just shouldn't smoke. The fact that it's illegal causes most stoners to be smart. To be careful. To be considerate. To not overdo it. Make it legal, and some of the space cases just may float off the grid entirely.
So reduce the penalties if you want. Get rid of jail time. But don't take away the one thing that makes pot cool. That's just not... cool, man.
Yoooo, duuuude. It's four-twenty, man. Fore- twen - tee. 420!!! Haha. You guys know what I'm talking about. Well, maybe not you losers. You don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you think you know what I'm talking about, but what I'm talking about isn't what you think I'm talking about. Even though I'm not actually talking, I'm writing. But you cool people know what I'm talkin about. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. 420. Gathering together a few of your best buds, putting on some Phish, kickin back and chillin until someone says "I really feel like some White Castle," and you say, "Yeah man, me too," and then you drive there and it takes for-evvv-ver but then you eat some chicken rings dipped in honey mustard and you're like, "Dude, who ever came up with a chicken ring?" And your friend is like, yo, "Check it, I can blow a smoke ring through a chicken ring!" And you're like, "Awesome!"
Ah yes. 420. Like Christmas in April, except you burn trees instead of decorating them. And instead of Santa Claus, there's Seth Rogen. He doesn't come down your chimney, he smokes like one. Trust me, those jokes are wayyy funny if you're high.
But some people want to spend 420 gettin all protesty. Seems they want 420 to be less about a secret club of burners gettin high, and more about petitioning the Federal government to legalize Mary Jane. What a buzzkill.
Why you all out protestin? Come on man. It's 420. Spark it up. If you get busted by the cops, it's because you're being stupid. You stanked up your entire apartment building, and the neighbors called the cops? That's your bad dude. Not everyone likes the smell of weed. If it was legal, you'd still be an asshole for making poor old Miss McGillicutty wear a clothespin on her nose.
You got busted while hotboxing on the Garden State Parkway? That's your bad, dude. Fumbling with a lighter while doing 65 MPH? If pot was legal, you'd still be an idiot for driving while intoxicated.
You got busted while burning at a concert? Dude, cigarettes are banned at most concerts and public gatherings now. And there's some 8 year old with their dad sitting next to you. If weed was legal, you'd still be an asshole for blowing smoke all over people who may not want it.
You think legalized weed would be a free-for-all fun-happy-land with weed at every corner drugstore? Guess what? The government would tax the shit the same as cigarettes, you'd probably be paying just as much as you do now. Grow a plant in your backyard? You could, but when was the last time you grew anything? What are you, Farmer John? You got a degree in botany? Face it dude, you killed that cactus your girlfriend bought you. You'd still be buying from other people.
We live in a country that's slowly pushed cigarette smokers to the outside of everything. Legalized weed would put you right next to them. And you'd still be reprimanded for being high at work, high at your sister's piano recital, high at school. Just because it's legal doesn't mean everyone's gonna suddenly be okay with you ripping into a bag of Doritos, babbling about the hidden message in the Lord of the Rings movie and falling asleep at your desk. They'll still think you're an idiot.
Sure, there would never be a situation where you couldn't get pot. But think about it. That means no more road trips to your friend at college in Vermont because it seems the whole Northeast has suddenly gone dry. No more of those moments when you're meeting two guys from the Bronx at the rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, just because your local boys fell through. No more searching for that one nugget you swore you dropped somewhere behind your dresser two years ago. No more being that kid who shows up to the party, and makes a dozen friends just by uttering those four magic words, "Yo, anybody wanna burn?"
Instead, you'll have Edwin Schrint, band geek, showing up behind the Denny's with a pack of Marlboro Ultra Danks, forcing you to find a new hangout spot to avoid him.
When the person who handed you your first joint said, "Everybody's doing it," they didn't mean "Everybody." They meant, "Everybody cool, everybody adventurous. Everybody fun and unconventional. Everybody interesting and daring." They didn't mean Mrs. Bitterman, the teacher who gave you an F for not showing the work on your math test.
Keep the potheads out of jail. Fine. But don't suddenly say, "Pot is legal," and open the door to everyone not cool enough to figure out how to smoke, discreetly and privately. Don't take away the rituals (Febreeze, a wet towel, Pure Citrus Air Freshener) and the secrets that make burning such a unique bonding experience. And in a country where smoking-related illness costs millions of dollars, and millions of lives a year, don't suddenly send the message, "Smoking is Ok because its legal." Why open that can of worms?
I've been around enough people who smoke to know that there are some people who just shouldn't smoke. The fact that it's illegal causes most stoners to be smart. To be careful. To be considerate. To not overdo it. Make it legal, and some of the space cases just may float off the grid entirely.
So reduce the penalties if you want. Get rid of jail time. But don't take away the one thing that makes pot cool. That's just not... cool, man.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Season Shalosh (3)
Just in time for Passover, the 2009 baseball season is underway. And you know what that means. Another season of Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball.
For those of you unfamiliar with Jewish Fantasy Baseball, it's played just like normal fantasy baseball. Except my lineup consists of only Jewish Major League Baseball players.
Well, almost.
When I started this two years ago, there were just not enough Jewish players to fill out an infield, much less an entire roster. And there certainly weren't enough starting Jewish ballplayers to make my team competitive. So I allowed for players with Jewish-sounding names. And players who had been mistaken for Jews by various members of the press. And players who simply had the same names of biblical Jewish heroes: like Moises Alou and Elijah Dukes.
Since then, I'm proud to say, some actual Jewish ballplayers have stormed onto the major league scene. Ryan Braun won NL Rookie of the Year. Guys I was previously able to pick up in the late rounds of a fantasy draft, Ian Kinsler and Kevin Youkilis, are being taken in the first two rounds. This year, Ryan Spilborghs earned a starting spot with the Colorado Rockies. And though I'm not sure if he's Jewish or not, Atlanta Braves phenom Jordan Schafer made his MLB debut with a home run in his first at bat.
So does this year's team have a shot to win MLB.com League MLB-40701??
Here's the lineup:
C- Brian Schneider, Mets
Brian is not Jewish. But catcher is a thin position already in fantasy baseball, and with real Jew Brad Ausmus assigned a backup role with the Los Angeles Dodgers, I have no choice but to go with the most Jewishy-sounding starting catcher. Hey, he's in New York. We're all a little Jewish here.
1B- Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox
A long-time Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball star, the Youk showed off some power last year, smacking 29 dingers and sustaining a .312 average. He's the real deal, both on the field and in the synagogue.
2B- Ian Kinsler, Rangers
Only Kinsler's dad is Jewish, but while the Orthodox may not accept him, the Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball team welcomes him with open arms and an honorary tallis.
3B- Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals
If you type "Ryan Zimmerman," "Jewish" into Google, the first result that comes up is this very blog. The next three results? All say that Ryan Zimmerman isn't Jewish. But I believe Ryan is smart enough to know he has a better chance winning on my team than with the Nationals. So put on a keepa, Ryan. You're our honorary Hebrew at the hot corner.
SS- Khalil Greene, Cardinals
Greene isn't Jewish. But he is a member of the Baha’i faith, the only member of that faith in Major League Baseball. Baha'i was founded in Iran in the 1800s and states that all of the prophets from Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism were given the same message and should be united. So he does sort of believe in Judaism. Sort of. Kind of. Ok. You really want to stick me with David Eckstein again?
OF- Jordan Schafer, Braves
Honestly, I have no idea if Schafer likes gefilte fish or not. What I do know is that he's a 15 HR, 15 steal possibility this year, with potential for more. And with a name like his, there's got to be a bar mitzvah boy somewhere in his family tree.
OF- Ryan Spilborghs, Rockies
Ryan came to my attention last season when I read a Wikipedia entry identifying him as Jewish. And several websites refer to him as such. So I'm going to stick with him as my center fielder.
OF- Ryan Braun, Brewers
Phew. After explaining away my first two outfielders, I'm happy to introduce Ryan Braun, who definitely knows what a Kiddush cup is. Braun batters baseballs like the ten plagues battered the Egyptians.
UTIL- Mike Jacobs, Royals
No word on whether the Kansas City Royals have a Jewish Heritage Day at their ballpark, but if they did, they'd probably honor Jacobs, who is not Jewish, but was honored as a Jew by both the Mets and Marlins, his former employers.
Pitching Staff- The Arizona Diamondbacks
The Diamondbacks feature lefty reliever Scott Schoenweis, who's definitely Jewish, and Max Scherzer, who might be, maybe.
Bench- C Brad Ausmus (Jewish), 2B/SS David Eckstein (Not Jewish, despite the name), OF Gabe Kapler (Yes), 3B Geoff Blum (No), OF Elijah Dukes (Definitely No), and 1B Casey Kotchman (Nope).
Free Agents: Chris Getz, 2B, White Sox, Nate Schierholtz, OF, Giants. I've got my eye on these two future stars, who may in fact be Jewish.
All in all, a solid fantasy team. Are they champions? Maybe not... but they also said that about Moses and his band of Jewish slaves.
How'd that work out for the Egyptians?
Just in time for Passover, the 2009 baseball season is underway. And you know what that means. Another season of Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball.
For those of you unfamiliar with Jewish Fantasy Baseball, it's played just like normal fantasy baseball. Except my lineup consists of only Jewish Major League Baseball players.
Well, almost.
When I started this two years ago, there were just not enough Jewish players to fill out an infield, much less an entire roster. And there certainly weren't enough starting Jewish ballplayers to make my team competitive. So I allowed for players with Jewish-sounding names. And players who had been mistaken for Jews by various members of the press. And players who simply had the same names of biblical Jewish heroes: like Moises Alou and Elijah Dukes.
Since then, I'm proud to say, some actual Jewish ballplayers have stormed onto the major league scene. Ryan Braun won NL Rookie of the Year. Guys I was previously able to pick up in the late rounds of a fantasy draft, Ian Kinsler and Kevin Youkilis, are being taken in the first two rounds. This year, Ryan Spilborghs earned a starting spot with the Colorado Rockies. And though I'm not sure if he's Jewish or not, Atlanta Braves phenom Jordan Schafer made his MLB debut with a home run in his first at bat.
So does this year's team have a shot to win MLB.com League MLB-40701??
Here's the lineup:
C- Brian Schneider, Mets
Brian is not Jewish. But catcher is a thin position already in fantasy baseball, and with real Jew Brad Ausmus assigned a backup role with the Los Angeles Dodgers, I have no choice but to go with the most Jewishy-sounding starting catcher. Hey, he's in New York. We're all a little Jewish here.
1B- Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox
A long-time Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball star, the Youk showed off some power last year, smacking 29 dingers and sustaining a .312 average. He's the real deal, both on the field and in the synagogue.
2B- Ian Kinsler, Rangers
Only Kinsler's dad is Jewish, but while the Orthodox may not accept him, the Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball team welcomes him with open arms and an honorary tallis.
3B- Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals
If you type "Ryan Zimmerman," "Jewish" into Google, the first result that comes up is this very blog. The next three results? All say that Ryan Zimmerman isn't Jewish. But I believe Ryan is smart enough to know he has a better chance winning on my team than with the Nationals. So put on a keepa, Ryan. You're our honorary Hebrew at the hot corner.
SS- Khalil Greene, Cardinals
Greene isn't Jewish. But he is a member of the Baha’i faith, the only member of that faith in Major League Baseball. Baha'i was founded in Iran in the 1800s and states that all of the prophets from Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism were given the same message and should be united. So he does sort of believe in Judaism. Sort of. Kind of. Ok. You really want to stick me with David Eckstein again?
OF- Jordan Schafer, Braves
Honestly, I have no idea if Schafer likes gefilte fish or not. What I do know is that he's a 15 HR, 15 steal possibility this year, with potential for more. And with a name like his, there's got to be a bar mitzvah boy somewhere in his family tree.
OF- Ryan Spilborghs, Rockies
Ryan came to my attention last season when I read a Wikipedia entry identifying him as Jewish. And several websites refer to him as such. So I'm going to stick with him as my center fielder.
OF- Ryan Braun, Brewers
Phew. After explaining away my first two outfielders, I'm happy to introduce Ryan Braun, who definitely knows what a Kiddush cup is. Braun batters baseballs like the ten plagues battered the Egyptians.
UTIL- Mike Jacobs, Royals
No word on whether the Kansas City Royals have a Jewish Heritage Day at their ballpark, but if they did, they'd probably honor Jacobs, who is not Jewish, but was honored as a Jew by both the Mets and Marlins, his former employers.
Pitching Staff- The Arizona Diamondbacks
The Diamondbacks feature lefty reliever Scott Schoenweis, who's definitely Jewish, and Max Scherzer, who might be, maybe.
Bench- C Brad Ausmus (Jewish), 2B/SS David Eckstein (Not Jewish, despite the name), OF Gabe Kapler (Yes), 3B Geoff Blum (No), OF Elijah Dukes (Definitely No), and 1B Casey Kotchman (Nope).
Free Agents: Chris Getz, 2B, White Sox, Nate Schierholtz, OF, Giants. I've got my eye on these two future stars, who may in fact be Jewish.
All in all, a solid fantasy team. Are they champions? Maybe not... but they also said that about Moses and his band of Jewish slaves.
How'd that work out for the Egyptians?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I'm On NHL Fanhouse!!
My Dad and I went to the Devils game last night and saw Marty Brodeur win his record-breaking 552nd game.
I wished I had brought my camera.
Turns out, I didn't have to:
That Guy Holding The Brodeur Jersey Is Me
Awesome.
My Dad and I went to the Devils game last night and saw Marty Brodeur win his record-breaking 552nd game.
I wished I had brought my camera.
Turns out, I didn't have to:
That Guy Holding The Brodeur Jersey Is Me
Awesome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)