Why I Think Pot Should Still Be Illegal



Yoooo, duuuude. It's four-twenty, man. Fore- twen - tee. 420!!! Haha. You guys know what I'm talking about. Well, maybe not you losers. You don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you think you know what I'm talking about, but what I'm talking about isn't what you think I'm talking about. Even though I'm not actually talking, I'm writing. But you cool people know what I'm talkin about. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. 420. Gathering together a few of your best buds, putting on some Phish, kickin back and chillin until someone says "I really feel like some White Castle," and you say, "Yeah man, me too," and then you drive there and it takes for-evvv-ver but then you eat some chicken rings dipped in honey mustard and you're like, "Dude, who ever came up with a chicken ring?" And your friend is like, yo, "Check it, I can blow a smoke ring through a chicken ring!" And you're like, "Awesome!"

Ah yes. 420. Like Christmas in April, except you burn trees instead of decorating them. And instead of Santa Claus, there's Seth Rogen. He doesn't come down your chimney, he smokes like one. Trust me, those jokes are wayyy funny if you're high.

But some people want to spend 420 gettin all protesty. Seems they want 420 to be less about a secret club of burners gettin high, and more about petitioning the Federal government to legalize Mary Jane. What a buzzkill.

Why you all out protestin? Come on man. It's 420. Spark it up. If you get busted by the cops, it's because you're being stupid. You stanked up your entire apartment building, and the neighbors called the cops? That's your bad dude. Not everyone likes the smell of weed. If it was legal, you'd still be an asshole for making poor old Miss McGillicutty wear a clothespin on her nose.

You got busted while hotboxing on the Garden State Parkway? That's your bad, dude. Fumbling with a lighter while doing 65 MPH? If pot was legal, you'd still be an idiot for driving while intoxicated.

You got busted while burning at a concert? Dude, cigarettes are banned at most concerts and public gatherings now. And there's some 8 year old with their dad sitting next to you. If weed was legal, you'd still be an asshole for blowing smoke all over people who may not want it.

You think legalized weed would be a free-for-all fun-happy-land with weed at every corner drugstore? Guess what? The government would tax the shit the same as cigarettes, you'd probably be paying just as much as you do now. Grow a plant in your backyard? You could, but when was the last time you grew anything? What are you, Farmer John? You got a degree in botany? Face it dude, you killed that cactus your girlfriend bought you. You'd still be buying from other people.

We live in a country that's slowly pushed cigarette smokers to the outside of everything. Legalized weed would put you right next to them. And you'd still be reprimanded for being high at work, high at your sister's piano recital, high at school. Just because it's legal doesn't mean everyone's gonna suddenly be okay with you ripping into a bag of Doritos, babbling about the hidden message in the Lord of the Rings movie and falling asleep at your desk. They'll still think you're an idiot.

Sure, there would never be a situation where you couldn't get pot. But think about it. That means no more road trips to your friend at college in Vermont because it seems the whole Northeast has suddenly gone dry. No more of those moments when you're meeting two guys from the Bronx at the rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, just because your local boys fell through. No more searching for that one nugget you swore you dropped somewhere behind your dresser two years ago. No more being that kid who shows up to the party, and makes a dozen friends just by uttering those four magic words, "Yo, anybody wanna burn?"

Instead, you'll have Edwin Schrint, band geek, showing up behind the Denny's with a pack of Marlboro Ultra Danks, forcing you to find a new hangout spot to avoid him.

When the person who handed you your first joint said, "Everybody's doing it," they didn't mean "Everybody." They meant, "Everybody cool, everybody adventurous. Everybody fun and unconventional. Everybody interesting and daring." They didn't mean Mrs. Bitterman, the teacher who gave you an F for not showing the work on your math test.

Keep the potheads out of jail. Fine. But don't suddenly say, "Pot is legal," and open the door to everyone not cool enough to figure out how to smoke, discreetly and privately. Don't take away the rituals (Febreeze, a wet towel, Pure Citrus Air Freshener) and the secrets that make burning such a unique bonding experience. And in a country where smoking-related illness costs millions of dollars, and millions of lives a year, don't suddenly send the message, "Smoking is Ok because its legal." Why open that can of worms?

I've been around enough people who smoke to know that there are some people who just shouldn't smoke. The fact that it's illegal causes most stoners to be smart. To be careful. To be considerate. To not overdo it. Make it legal, and some of the space cases just may float off the grid entirely.

So reduce the penalties if you want. Get rid of jail time. But don't take away the one thing that makes pot cool. That's just not... cool, man.

The Web For Wee Ones

My latest MSN.com article:



Enjoy!

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Season Shalosh (3)

Just in time for Passover, the 2009 baseball season is underway. And you know what that means. Another season of Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jewish Fantasy Baseball, it's played just like normal fantasy baseball. Except my lineup consists of only Jewish Major League Baseball players.

Well, almost.

When I started this two years ago, there were just not enough Jewish players to fill out an infield, much less an entire roster. And there certainly weren't enough starting Jewish ballplayers to make my team competitive. So I allowed for players with Jewish-sounding names. And players who had been mistaken for Jews by various members of the press. And players who simply had the same names of biblical Jewish heroes: like Moises Alou and Elijah Dukes.

Since then, I'm proud to say, some actual Jewish ballplayers have stormed onto the major league scene. Ryan Braun won NL Rookie of the Year. Guys I was previously able to pick up in the late rounds of a fantasy draft, Ian Kinsler and Kevin Youkilis, are being taken in the first two rounds. This year, Ryan Spilborghs earned a starting spot with the Colorado Rockies. And though I'm not sure if he's Jewish or not, Atlanta Braves phenom Jordan Schafer made his MLB debut with a home run in his first at bat.

So does this year's team have a shot to win MLB.com League MLB-40701??



Here's the lineup:

C- Brian Schneider, Mets

Brian is not Jewish. But catcher is a thin position already in fantasy baseball, and with real Jew Brad Ausmus assigned a backup role with the Los Angeles Dodgers, I have no choice but to go with the most Jewishy-sounding starting catcher. Hey, he's in New York. We're all a little Jewish here.

1B- Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox

A long-time Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball star, the Youk showed off some power last year, smacking 29 dingers and sustaining a .312 average. He's the real deal, both on the field and in the synagogue.

2B- Ian Kinsler, Rangers

Only Kinsler's dad is Jewish, but while the Orthodox may not accept him, the Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball team welcomes him with open arms and an honorary tallis.

3B- Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals

If you type "Ryan Zimmerman," "Jewish" into Google, the first result that comes up is this very blog. The next three results? All say that Ryan Zimmerman isn't Jewish. But I believe Ryan is smart enough to know he has a better chance winning on my team than with the Nationals. So put on a keepa, Ryan. You're our honorary Hebrew at the hot corner.

SS- Khalil Greene, Cardinals

Greene isn't Jewish. But he is a member of the Baha’i faith, the only member of that faith in Major League Baseball. Baha'i was founded in Iran in the 1800s and states that all of the prophets from Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism were given the same message and should be united. So he does sort of believe in Judaism. Sort of. Kind of. Ok. You really want to stick me with David Eckstein again?

OF- Jordan Schafer, Braves

Honestly, I have no idea if Schafer likes gefilte fish or not. What I do know is that he's a 15 HR, 15 steal possibility this year, with potential for more. And with a name like his, there's got to be a bar mitzvah boy somewhere in his family tree.

OF- Ryan Spilborghs, Rockies

Ryan came to my attention last season when I read a Wikipedia entry identifying him as Jewish. And several websites refer to him as such. So I'm going to stick with him as my center fielder.

OF- Ryan Braun, Brewers

Phew. After explaining away my first two outfielders, I'm happy to introduce Ryan Braun, who definitely knows what a Kiddush cup is. Braun batters baseballs like the ten plagues battered the Egyptians.

UTIL- Mike Jacobs, Royals

No word on whether the Kansas City Royals have a Jewish Heritage Day at their ballpark, but if they did, they'd probably honor Jacobs, who is not Jewish, but was honored as a Jew by both the Mets and Marlins, his former employers.

Pitching Staff- The Arizona Diamondbacks

The Diamondbacks feature lefty reliever Scott Schoenweis, who's definitely Jewish, and Max Scherzer, who might be, maybe.

Bench- C Brad Ausmus (Jewish), 2B/SS David Eckstein (Not Jewish, despite the name), OF Gabe Kapler (Yes), 3B Geoff Blum (No), OF Elijah Dukes (Definitely No), and 1B Casey Kotchman (Nope).

Free Agents: Chris Getz, 2B, White Sox, Nate Schierholtz, OF, Giants. I've got my eye on these two future stars, who may in fact be Jewish.

All in all, a solid fantasy team. Are they champions? Maybe not... but they also said that about Moses and his band of Jewish slaves.

How'd that work out for the Egyptians?

I'm On NHL Fanhouse!!

My Dad and I went to the Devils game last night and saw Marty Brodeur win his record-breaking 552nd game.

I wished I had brought my camera.

Turns out, I didn't have to:


That Guy Holding The Brodeur Jersey Is Me

Awesome.

A Hairy Situation In Jersey

Yeah yeah, I know, I've been away for too long. Work has just become a lot more... well... work lately. But I haven't forgotten about my duty to entertain my faithful reader(s).

The story that brings me back into action is about an issue of vital importance to our nation. No, not the Bernie Madoff thing.

I'm talking about pubic hair:

The Brazilian wax could be ripped from salons if a proposed ban on genital waxing is passed by N.J.’s Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling...

N.J. law is a bit fuzzy when it comes to the hair down there, but according to the state, genital waxing is illegal. Only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms of patrons can be stripped...

My initial reaction was, "There's a N.J. Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling?!" Once I swallowed that fact, I became deeply disturbed that the government would dare tell women what to do with their own bodies. This is about freedom of choice, people. Brazilian, a landing strip, or 70's style, no woman should be deprived of the right to sport the foliage of their choosing.



On the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling website, I found this gem:

The Board is proposing a new rule at N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.7A and is proposing amendments to existing rules N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.10 and 2.11, in order to further define what business activities lawfully may be conducted in licensed cosmetology and hairstyling, manicuring and skin care specialty shops. Specifically, the Board is proposing amendments to its rules concerning the provision of ancillary beautification services in licensed cosmetology and hairstyling shops and licensed skin care specialty shops. Currently, N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.10 permits cosmetology and hairstyling shops to offer to their customers ancillary services that are related to the beautification of the body or the enhancement of personal appearance, but which are not included within the statutory definition of cosmetology and hairstyling services set forth at N.J.S.A. 45:5B-3(j). Such services must be performed in a safe and sanitary manner and by appropriately trained personnel. The Cosmetology and Hairstyling Act, at N.J.S.A. 45:5B-37, permits the provision of such services in shops licensed by the Board, but authorizes the Board to adopt regulations prohibiting such services or placing limitations on the manner in which such services may be offered. The Board may also establish training requirements for persons offering such services. N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.10 currently prohibits the provision of certain ancillary services, such as permanent cosmetic applications, tattooing and body piercing, and imposes training and safety requirements for the provision of others, such as the use of electrolysis for the removal of superfluous hair and skin tanning services. Pursuant to the authority of N.J.S.A. 45:5B-37, the Board is proposing to amend N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.10 to provide specific authorization for cosmetology and hairstyling shops to perform massage services as an ancillary beautification service, and to impose certain training requirements upon persons who will perform such services.

In other, shorter words... "We're making bikini waxing illegal but you'll now be able to get a happy ending and a haircut at the same place."

So this summer, don't be surprised if you see a bunch of well coiffed, happy, well-massaged guys walking around while girls are forced to reveal a little bit too much of their national forest.

Maybe that's why they call Jersey the Garden State.