Three Cheers For Texas

Finally, someone is doing something about those sexy cheerleaders that are turning our kids into raging heterosexuals.

The state of Texas is considering legislation that could cut the heads off any cheerleader doing something "sexually suggestive."

The definition of "sexually suggestive," is, apparently, relative.

For instance, I would argue that cheerleaders, by definition, are sexually suggestive. That's kind of the point, right? Would the crowd respond to a bunch of asexual eunuchs waving pompoms?

"This broad, morally restrictive legislation reminds me of the Taliban," said Will Harrell, director of the ACLU of Texas. "Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?"

Why not indeed? Who wants to see hot girls when they came to see sweaty guys in tight pants grab and hug each other to the ground?

But where do we draw the line? How many pelvic thrusts is too much?

"Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," Al Edwards, the bill sponsor said.

As someone who's never actually had sex, I guess I wouldn't know. But apparently, Al "Pussy Pumper" Edwards has a lot of knowledge on the subject of which cheerleading moves are most likely to get an illicit rise out of the crowd.

"There's a larger point here everyone's missing," said Ian Faque Person, director of gender studies at Nonesuch University in Placebo, Texas. "And that is that a bunch of lawmakers spend way too much time checking out high school cheerleaders."

Well said.

Performance Enhancers

A German track trainer says female runners run faster if they have sex before a race.

Or at least that's what he tells them.

Personal Best

I got your steroid right here baby... call me.

Worst Episode Ever

"I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air - for the sake of the economy." -George W. Bush, last night, during what should have been The OC on Fox.

Thanks alot Bush. You couldn't hold this press conference on a Monday night? Or a Tuesday even? How about Wednesday? Or Friday?

No, you had to hold it Thursday. In Prime Time. During The OC.

I turned on Fox looking for Sandy Cohen, and instead found Social Security. I was expecting Marissa and Summer, I got Energy Prices and Iraq.

Thanks alot Bush. Be sure to preempt the Family Guy premiere on Sunday too.

Heartless bastard.

Smoke Em If You Got Em

"Every dime that finds its way into Cuba first finds its way into Fidel Castro's blood-thirsty hands.... American consumers will get their fine cigars and their cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor."

-Tom DeLay


Delay, seen here smoking a Cuban cigar.

Men In Tights

From CNN:

In a senate hearing on Capital hill yesterday, Rumsfeld discussed a prototype version of fortified leggings the Army wants to use. At $9,400 a pair, they use air conditioning technology and weigh 38 pounds, according to one lawmaker, who asked whether they could protect a soldier from roadside bombs.

Rumsfeld did not address the cost or the effectiveness of the prototype, saying instead that the idea is to avoid having "vehicles operating without appropriate armor in areas outside of protected compounds."

I don't get it. We can't spend the money to upgrade armor on soldiers' humvees, but we can spend it on ridiculously heavy, amazingly expensive pantyhose?

Plus, the lawmaker asked if the leggings could protect a soldier from roadside bombs... and Rumsfeld dodged the question.

So are we to assume these leggings are ineffective?

Why doesn't Rummy want to protect our troops?