Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Three Cheers For Texas

Finally, someone is doing something about those sexy cheerleaders that are turning our kids into raging heterosexuals.

The state of Texas is considering legislation that could cut the heads off any cheerleader doing something "sexually suggestive."

The definition of "sexually suggestive," is, apparently, relative.

For instance, I would argue that cheerleaders, by definition, are sexually suggestive. That's kind of the point, right? Would the crowd respond to a bunch of asexual eunuchs waving pompoms?

"This broad, morally restrictive legislation reminds me of the Taliban," said Will Harrell, director of the ACLU of Texas. "Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?"

Why not indeed? Who wants to see hot girls when they came to see sweaty guys in tight pants grab and hug each other to the ground?

But where do we draw the line? How many pelvic thrusts is too much?

"Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," Al Edwards, the bill sponsor said.

As someone who's never actually had sex, I guess I wouldn't know. But apparently, Al "Pussy Pumper" Edwards has a lot of knowledge on the subject of which cheerleading moves are most likely to get an illicit rise out of the crowd.

"There's a larger point here everyone's missing," said Ian Faque Person, director of gender studies at Nonesuch University in Placebo, Texas. "And that is that a bunch of lawmakers spend way too much time checking out high school cheerleaders."

Well said.

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