Monday, November 02, 2015

This Apartment's Eye-Bleeding Decor Is Nightmare Fuel

You've been obsessed with the dream of finding a Manhattan apartment to call your own. But who can afford anything at these prices? Fortunately, prime real estate in New York City's East Village has become available. If you make less than 100,000 grand a year, and have $111,000 for a down payment to buy in the HDFC co-op, this beautifully-designed 3rd-floor walkup can be yours... all yours! The only catch? Your soul.

Let's take a tour...

Living Room

Living Room
Open kitchen, good light. A wood(?) floor that appears to have been assembled by a blind/drunk carpenter inspired by the melting clocks of Salvador Dali. Will staring at the floor slowly turn you into a raving lunatic? Perhaps. But it's safer to stare at the floor than the...

Bedroom walls....


Someone really went all-in on the blue here. The electric-shade assaults the eyeballs upon first glance. A second look reveals an almost ethereal glimmer, as if spirits have taken up residence inside the paint itself, waiting to emerge and sprinkle you with fairy dust while you slumber. The bed, adorned in other shades of blue, looks as if it is being swallowed into the walls, which is probably what happened to the previous owners, which explains the source of the spirits in the first place.

The floor, meanwhile... what is going on? It looks like the linoleum(?) tiles have been moving around on their own....

What is going on here? We appear to be in a space where time/dimensions have become jumbled--one era's mosaic tiling giving away to the completely schizophrenic arrangement of what I'm now convinced is simply white sheets of construction paper. The paint on the walls has been applied just as haphazardly, save for a neatly formed rectangle where perhaps coats once hung. The door jamb is chipped away, clear evidence of someone trying, desperately, futilely, to get out. We've almost reached the most alarming room of the apartment, but first, a detour to...

The Bathroom
What is under that bathroom sink, shrouded by a mysterious theatrical curtain? A puppet show? A tiny production of King Lear? How much blood was used to make the paint slathered on the bathroom walls? That mirror... If you stare into it a second too long, your head shrinks. Which may be the best possible outcome, because if you enter into our next room, your head will explode anyway...

This is where we reach the heights of interior design. Are the cupboards... wallpapered? With some sort of braille/morse code? Yes. Is that new(?) wood(?) flooring any match for the old tile, reaching up with icy fingers from somewhere beneath? No. The tiling around the oven (which may contain the remains of pagan sacrifices), is black as night, reflecting the new state of your soul. It also matches the fridge!

This apartment can be yours for $370,000, which is a steal for the East Village area. Maintenance is only $400 a month, and your soul's eternity in hell.

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