Thursday, March 12, 2015

From The Department Of Bad Ideas: Strangers At A Bachelor Party

How 'bout it ladies? Anyone want to hop into this rape suite?

Look, I get it. You're throwing your first bachelor party, and the idea of 10-15 guys crammed in a small hotel room just sounds... er... "gay" to you. Nevermind that you should all be secure enough in your sexuality to cope with a sausagefest. I get that your buddy is getting hitched while most of the other guys are single and ready to mingle. "Let's invite random girls on the internet" might sound like a reasonable solution.

It is not.

First, think of how this looks to a woman. A woman who doesn't know you at all, who has never met you or any of your friends. We know what's expected at bachelor parties--drinking, strippers, some lighthearted debauchery before the groom settles down. Will a woman who doesn't know you and doesn't prostitute herself for a living jump at this opportunity? Even the boldest chick has got to have a moment of doubt when she reads the words, "huge bachelor party" and "hotel suite."

Second, think about who might show up. Sure, you can "background check," but lets face it, there's only so much you can tell about someone from Google. A woman who would accept this invitation is probably not someone with solid critical thinking skills, and therefore, is likely to have a whole host of problems you definitely don't want at a bachelor party. Even if your crew is a bunch of choir boys, what's going to happen when this stranger starts shooting heroin in the bathroom or goes ballistic on somebody?

Third, think of the bride, and any associated girlfriends. Strippers are par for the course, they're not unexpected, and generally, a lot of women don't have a problem with them because there are presumed boundaries. Everyone understands it's a performance, it's entertainment. No one's putting their salchichón where it doesn't belong. A professional stripper is accustomed to these parties and knows how to handle them. Now imagine the bride or any of your crew's girlfriends learns about random strangers being invited up to a hotel suite with alcohol. The only precedent for this behavior is a single guy searching "F4M no strings" on Craigslist. Which is essentially what you're doing.

According to the guy who made the post, he already has strippers coming, along with some girls who he actually knows. "WE ARE ALL AVERAGE JOES, MID 20s, WE HAVE ALL THE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT TAKEN CARE OF, WE JUST DONT WANT A SUITE FULL OF DUDES, A NICE EVEN CROWD! FREE DRINKS AND ENTERTAINMENT!"

Well okay, Mr. All Caps. I'm no sage, but if you already have strippers and you already have some other girls coming... then why go to the internet to further even out your ridiculous female-to-male-ratio requirement? Why not... you know, ask the girls that are already coming if they have any friends who might like to party? Answering my own question... because nearly every girl they asked can see that this is not an ideal situation.

I've never had a bad time at a bachelor party. Not all of them had strippers. Not all of them even had alcohol. If you want to find some ladies for the single guys, then bring the group out to a bar. Pick up women the old-fashioned way. Or, and here's an idea-- do a joint bachelor/bachelorette party.

But inviting strangers to an alcohol-and-testosterone-filled hotel suite? Save an idea like that for your Law & Order SVU spec script.

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