New Poll Determines Polls Are Now Officially Useless

In a new poll conducted by the Adam's Life blog, 79% of Americans admitted often lying to pollsters, providing inaccurate or sarcastic answers, or "just plain f*cking with Wolf Blitzer's mind."

The poll came on the heels of a Newsweek poll that showed the majority of Americans believe President Obama wants to impose Islamic Sharia law upon the United States.

"The pollsters ask such ridiculous questions, I really just try to have fun with them," said Roger P. Nobodi, a frequent online poll answerer. "The other day, there was a poll asking if we thought the sun was just the ash from God's cigarette. I thought, 'Okay, well why the hell not?'"

Bill Fakerton, who often responds to polls on Fox News and other conservative news sites, also admitted to not telling the truth.

"Do I really think Obama was born in Pakistan? No," Fakerton said. "But I don't like him. So sure, I'll click he could be from Pakistan. It's not like anyone's gonna call me out on it."

The Gallup Institute, which conducts polls for media, government, and business, expressed doubt that the Adam's Life poll was accurate.

"People lie or give jokey answers to polls all the time," said Arthur Imagenari, spokesman for the organization, "So I don't trust the results of this poll that finds people aren't honest when responding to poll questions."

He then exploded.

"I never lie to pollsters," said Faye Person, a housewife who has nothing to do all day but answer online poll questions. "I just try to give the answers I think they're looking for. Like when they ask if President Obama is secretly part of Bin Laden's inner circle, I figure they're getting that question from somewhere, so it must be partly true."

She did, however, admit to pretending to be in the coveted 18-25 demographic.

"They just care about those people's opinions more," Person said. "And who hasn't lied about their age?"

Nobodi, for one, doesn't plan on answering poll questions honestly anytime soon.

"I'm just having way too much fun. I told some guy the other day that I thought Michael Jackson wasn't dead," Nobodi said. "I'd rather be part of the 10% who feel that way than cowtow to the majority."

Additional findings of the Adam's Life poll discovered that only 65% of Americans use a toilet to go to the bathroom, and only 35% believe the sun sets in the west, 53% think that Terminator 2 was based on a true story, and 92% think Jessica Alba is a MILF.