Wednesday, February 06, 2008

When Torture Is Not Torture, or, Waterboarding Ain't Boogie Boarding

From the AP:

WASHINGTON - The White House on Wednesday defended the use of the interrogation technique known as waterboarding, saying it is legal — not torture as critics argue — and has saved American lives.

President Bush could authorize waterboarding for future terrorism suspects if certain criteria are met, a spokesman said...

Waterboarding involves strapping a suspect down and pouring water over his cloth-covered face to create the sensation of drowning. It has been traced back hundreds of years, to the Spanish Inquisition, and is condemned by nations around the world.

[CIA Director] Hayden banned the technique in 2006 for Central Intelligence Agenc interrogations, the Defense Department has banned its employees from using it, and FBI Director Robert Mueller said his investigators do not use coercive tactics in interviewing terror suspects.
To reiterate things I've written before in this blog: Torture doesn't work. Torture is not a valid form of intelligence gathering.

If waterboarding isn't torture in Bush's book, then what else doesn't he consider torture?

The Rack


Bush's Defense: "Oh come on, don't doctors reccommend stretching before and after exercise? This is like yoga!"

The Nail Pull


Bush's Defense: "You kidding me? It's just a manicure! Laura tells me they pay good money for this at all the best salons."

Chinese Water Torture


Bush's Defense: "We call it, 'Bobbing for Freedom.' If they find a green apple, then we'll give them a full pardon. Except there aren't any apples. Only water. Makes it harder for the terrorists to get a pardon. You don't want to pardon terrorists, do you??"

Shock Torture


Bush's Defense: "You know when you pet a cat sometimes and you feel a little shock on your fingers? This is no worse than that. Just a couple hundred thousand volts. It's like a hot tub really."

Celine Dion Torture


Bush's Defense: "Ok, you got me. I'll order our intelligence services to end this type of interrigation technique immediately."

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