Fantastic Fox


Jessica Alba Is My Superhero

On the cover of Sunday's Parade Magazine, actress Jessica Alba declares "I wish I were invisible."

Jessica and I have this in common. I too wish to be invisible. While in Jessica's apartment.

That was a joke. I am not a creepy stalker.

But Jessica does raise an interesting point. Is there any room for privacy in the lives of the rich and famous? Or is normalcy forfeited upon reaching a certain profitability in the box office?

Last week, we saw A-Rod gallivanting around town with a stripper/Playboy reject. We saw Lindsay passed out drunk in a car. We saw Paris Hilton buying bibles. Isn't there a war going on? Shouldn't we be giving these celebrities some space and focus on more pressing matters?

No. In fact, celebrity watching is the most vital, important thing this country needs right now. Save the Lindsay Lohan strange knife play photos, save the world.

Without the paparazzi, magazines like US Weekly and Star are replaced on magazine racks with U.S. News and World Report and The Economist. Page Six becomes another page of dismal, soul crushing news. We are a species that seeks stimulation, that is driven mad by routine. Locke couldn't keep pushing the button, and neither can we. Every so often, we need to be reminded there's a mystical island out there for us to explore. It's called Ibiza, and its teeming with topless celebrities.

Yes, while the normal world is at work in an office building, our beloved celebrities are crisping on white sands. While we go to bed at 10 PM on a Tuesday night, setting our alarm for work at 8 am, they're doing lines of coke off of the dashboard of their Maseratis. While we have babies that resemble our ugliest relatives, they have babies born with modeling contracts. And we want to see it all. Not out of malice, or schadenfreude, or because we revel in their humiliation. But because by viewing their lives, through the paparazzi lens, we experience just one half of one percent of a hope that one day, we too can experience that reckless, carefree, decadent lifestyle that normal society tells us is both wrong and impossible.

We'll never be able to frolic in the Caribbean with Jessica. But we can watch someone else do it. And it gives us that glimmer of inspiration. No one ever feels good after reading about Iraq, or seeing photos of genocide victims. But people do feel good after reading US Weekly. They feel good after seeing last nights celebrity party pictures on a gossip blog. Shouldn't we want people to feel good? Shouldn't celebrities want to make us feel good?

So as much as I love Jessica, I have to disagree. I want her to be visible. Because the more visible she is, the more people will be feeling good. And if enough people feel good, maybe they'll start doing good. And if they start doing good, maybe we can all make this whole bag of onions we call a world good as well. It's worth the effort.

So celebrities, paparazzi, get your party on. Let's get some US Weeklys sent to Darfur, post haste. The world needs you now, more than ever.


Wanna go out sometime for milkshakes and fries?