Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A Note To Howard Dean

Hey Howard. Just heard you were chosen to be the chairman of the Democratic party. Talk about your fixer-uppers. I'm writing because I think I can help. Why should you listen to me? Well, for one, I don't think the scream was that bad.

Yeah, ok. Yeee-hahh may not play well in an increasingly cynical media. But its real. And in these times, we need more unbridled personality from our politicians. And it can't be forced. I mean, Kerry throwing a football around at an airport? Yeah, that looks natural.

But you should also listen to me because I am a spy. That's right. I'm a spy into the hearts and minds of those red staters that voted the antichrist into office. In my job I read dozens of letters from these people, some of whom, are, admittedly, off their brain stems entirely.

However, there are common themes running throughout their complaints to my publication. Valid complaints. They're complaints about things Democrats used to also complain about, before we got too tied up in the semantics of abortion and gay rights, trying to have it both ways. What are these complaints? What do the red staters (and most blue staters as well) hate?

1. Drug companies.
2. Rich people.
3. Government breathing down their necks.
4. The Media
5. Ben Affleck

So heres the plan. We need to make clear the Democratic party is against the big drug companies. We need to make clear we despise rich people. And we need to let everyone know we'll stay out of their business.

And more importantly, we need to unmask the Republicans for what they really are: Rich, powerful people in bed with Big Drug, out to rule peoples lives.

I mean, isn't that what Republican policies favor? So lets call them on it.

The following policies, which we can campaign for, would go over big in winning a lot of people.

Outlaw Drug Advertisements

You did it to cigarettes. No liquor ads are allowed on TV. No drug ads equal lower prices on drugs, more money on research. And less annoyed people.

Expand Medicare, Pell Grants, etc. etc. etc.

Anything that helps the poor, go for it. To pay for it, tax the rich. Remember, no matter how much money those donors have, they still have only one vote each. (except the guy from Diebold)

Vote For Smaller Government In Private Matters

Bush has expanded the role of government in people's lives more than any U.S. president. Republicans used to be about deregulation. Now they're gettin all up in people's grilles. Exploit that.

Regulate Corporate Ownership

Yeah, I know, I said smaller government. But not when it comes to corporations. That includes the media. We need to open up the economy, and the airwaves, to more people with more voices. More voices is good for the Democratic party. Republicans don't like dissent.

Don't Hang Out With Celebrities

A focus group I went to hated every celebrity cover we pitched. They enjoyed sunflowers. Bottom line, we may read about them, watch them, steal their underwear, but we don't like to be told what to do by them. Ben Affleck? No one respects him. Michael Moore? No one respects him. The Boss? I respect him, but a lot of people don't. If you go for a celebrity, it better be Jesus or Oprah, because any other is going to cause some sort of disdain.

So that's my advice. Take it or leave it. After you I'm going to Kerry. And then I'm going to Edwards. And Hillary and then we're going to CLARK AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE YEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Peace dog,


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