Bernie Babies

So, it turns out Bernard Kerik, former NYC Police commissioner, and George "Jesus Jr." Bush's choice for Homeland Security Director, isn't exactly, well, moral.

He had an apartment in Battery Park where he took at least two women, one of whom was Book Publisher Judith Regan, who, if you don't know, is best known for not giving me a job.

Yeah, I applied, got called in for an interview, then, they didn't call back. When I called a week later, they said the position had been filled.

Later, I found out from an inside source that I had been "too loud."

apparently, if I was bald and had a mustache, I would have had better chances.

But I digress.

Now it turns out this apartment, according to the New York Times, was one paid for by the city to house tired rescue workers at ground zero after the 9/11 attacks. Who arranged for this apartment? Bernie.

The thing is, no one knows for sure if any rescue workers actually rested in this apartment. And sometime in between 9/11 and the end of December that year, Mrs. Regan dropped by, according to witnesses. That's right. While workers were at ground zero, Mrs. Regan was seen in the apartment building. Bernie later rented the apartment for himself at below market rates.

Which raises the disturbing question:

Did Bernie use 9/11 to get himself a swingin bachelor pad?

It appears that he did. And why not? If Bush could use 9/11 to get himself re-elected, why can't Bernie use it to get some adulterous action?

And Regan made out nicely too. She got a sweet honorary police badge out of the deal.

I also find it disturbing that Bernie carried out his affairs in an apartment that has a great bedroom window view of... Ground zero.

In a way, I guess it makes him supremely qualified for the Homeland Security job: Even while he was in bed cheating on his wife, he was still observing operations at Ground Zero. Now that's multi-tasking!

Joltin' Joe Lieberman has been rumored to be a replacement, but with all due respect to the most electrifying vice-presidential candidate of all time, I have a better suggestion.

Ahhh-nald.

That's right. Swartzenagger. Who better to lead our defense than a guy who's battled aliens, robots, terrorists and Danny Devito all his life.

What? None of that was real?

Well, California voted for him.

Forget Weekend At Bernie's, let George Bush choose a Terminator.

If he's not available, I'll settle for Stallone.