The Future Is Now

I didn't really realize while I was at NYU how utterly useless it is to go outside anymore.

Now that I'm on my own, I've become aware that we are actually living in that glorious age where we can function normally in our own homes, without having to step out into the scary, scary bad world, which may get even scarier if Ohio votes for that guy who's "working hard" in the White House. Well, at his Texas ranch really. But you heard the man: He's working hard!! Who cares if he's never at the office?

Anyway, don't worry. Even as the outside world succumbs to global warming and killer bees and flesh eating bacteria, we can still live very comfortably in the friendly territory of our own bedrooms.

Case in point: My Sunday.

12:00 pm Breakfast/Lunch= Blunch was a sandwich, ordered from the second ave. deli. They take a while, but its worth it for that homestyle Jewish cooking. Which is now made by Haitian immigrants.

4:00 pm Called for my laundry picked up by a service. They pick up free, and its cheaper than downstairs. I used to do my own, but 2 bucks per load!!!?? Who are they kidding? Are my clothes going to come out of the dryer with Paris Hilton?

4:30-7:30 pm Entertainment: The Internet, Digital Cable, On Demand. Need I say more?

7:30 pm Dinner: Chinese delivery.

9:00 pm Exercise: Pushups, situps, barbell curls, tossing a mini football with Seth.

9:30 pm - 12 am Socializing: IM, texting, email, screaming out window.

12 am Adrenaline Rush: Re-run of last week's Rescue Me, the end of Passenger 57

2:00 am Bed.

Ok. So there are some problems. Eventually you'll need an ATM... but keep all your money in your house and youre good. There are plenty of jobs you can do from home (some of them even legal!), and for a nice tan, you can just lay in front of the window in your boxers... or nothing at all! (The neighbors don't mind, they get a hoot out of it!) Hell, if you need some intimate time with a real person, just invite the girl to your place-- entice her with takeout and some pay per view. Or money.

Of course, I had a reason for my lazy Sunday... a late night business meeting (party). But as the situation deteriorates out under the graying blue sky, isn't it good to know you can live easily behind closed doors?

Unless the phones stop working and the electricity goes out. Or the delivery men go on strike. Or they start charging for IM.

Yikes.

Too much paranoia. I gotta get outta here.

Welcome to The Oldest Blog On The Net!

Yeah, that's right. You read correctly. This was the first blog ever.

Well, maybe not the first, but I started this way back in early 2001, when everybody thought a blog was some sort of bowel movement.

Of course, I didn't know what a blog was either. I just kinda signed up and wrote some entries, which, as I realize now, reveal things that could ultimately ruin my chances for the Presidency, much like the Bush National Guard memos.

So those were all jokes. Really. My freshman year was all puppy dogs and ice cream.

What have I been doing lately? Well. I'm a graduate. Cum Laude. Which I'm pretty sure was a porno term until the Romans adopted it to mean "With Honors." I'm living in New York, working at a national magazine, and coaching the Cleveland Browns.

I guess this blog, even though it's the oldest, is pretty useless. As far as I know, Chris Matthews hasn't quoted me, and the Drudge report isn't picking up any leads from my page. In fact, I'm pretty sure that during this election year, my blog is about the least likely to influence any political decision, be it voting or deciding between ordering chinese or diner. And I'd like to keep it that way, because honestly, does anybody care what I have to say?

Please say yes.

Anyways, the above is what happens when you're too tired from work to write anything worth sending out to magazines or literary journals but you're too bored to IM and check the celebrity message board for new nude pics of Charlize Theron.

Till the next time, you stay classy USA.

Number of Reads: 0

Whoa No

So, spun the donkey wheel, but now I'm back in 1977. Which is weird cause there isn't any internet yet, or blogger. SO I'm not quite sure how I'm posting this. The iPhone truly does transcend time and space.

Anyways, I have to go invest in Apple and Microsoft and write Empire Strikes Back. I'll head back to 2010 in time for Lost.