Two Plus Two Equals Five

"How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four."

"Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane."
--George Orwell's 1984

This week, you may have heard about a little U.S. intelligence report that declared, "Iran stopped nuclear weapons work in 2003."

You would think this news would be cause for celebration. Bogged down in the explody mess of Iraq, and the forgotten war in Afghanistan, the last thing America needs is a third conflict to divide our already stretched-thin troops and sink us further into debt. And you'd think that Bush and Company would welcome this news, because it proves that however misguided their war in Iraq was, it may have influenced Iran's decision to halt their program. Hey, they actually did accomplish 1/100th of their mission in the Middle East!! Hurrah!!!

Except well, according to Bush, Fox News, and INGSOC, despite the fact that the report says Iran has halted their nuclear program, Iran is now a bigger threat than ever.

Huh?

"Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said.

National Securirty Adviser Stephen Hadley was quoted as saying, "If we want to avoid a situation where we either have to accept Iran ... with a path to a nuclear weapon, or the possibility of having to use force to stop it, with all the connotations of World War III -- then we need to step up the diplomacy, step up the pressure, to get Iran to stop their so-called civilian uranium enrichment program. That's our policy going forward -- no change."

Bush has pushed for MORE sanctions against Iran.

So let me get this straight. A report that says Iran cancelled their nuclear program is actually an indication that they will soon make nuclear bombs and start a World War III?

2 plus 2 equals what now?

Who Needs A Champion?

ESPN's Gregg Easterbrook is one of my favorite sports columnists, and his column this week is a perfect example of why that is.

I, like many others, have bemoaned college football's lack of a playoff system. "It's unfair," I said. "There's no way to prove who the best team is." I held pretty fast to the belief that the BCS was a load of crap, and we deserved better.

Then I read Easterbrook's column.

Consider me a changed man. He makes excellent points. For one, he points out that the BCS is not really about declaring a champion-- it's about maximizing revenues. Even if you hate capitalism, you may find yourself convinced by his second point...

Currently there are 32 Division I-A bowls, which means that annually 64 big-boy teams get to participate in a season-ending game that confers a title -- the Meineke Car Care Bowl 2007 champion! -- and is shrouded in hoopla. That means basically half of Division I-A advances to a season-ending hoopla event, with one-quarter of Division I-A seasons ending with a huge-hoopla victory. In the NFL, two-thirds of the teams do not advance to any postseason event and just one team ends its season with a huge victory. Thus the bowl system spreads the razzle-dazzle around to a large number of teams, and allows large numbers to say their seasons yielded a final triumph. That's the college spirit!

Anyways, a good read.

Happy Chanukah Everybody!!!

Killer Cats

The New York Times has an interesting article about wild cats decimating the bird population throughout the world, especially in island and seashore habitats. One bird lover took it upon himself to shoot the offending furballs.

"For the cats, it’s easy pickings. They’re popping birds like they were M & M’s." -cat shooter Jim Stevenson.

Here at Adam's Life, we believe cats are just like people (and dogs are just like really dumb people). As such, some are cute and cuddly, and others would make Ted Bundy afraid.

So I'm not sure shooting them is the answer. The guy who shot the cat didn't catch the cat in the act of eating a bird. How did he know that the cat he shot was one of the bad ones? Maybe that cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, lured to the bird's nesting grounds by some of his cat frat brothers, in some sort of cat hazing ritual. Maybe that cat just came to the bird nesting grounds because that's where all the hot female cats hung out. My point is, that poor cat was executed without due process. And that's just un-American.

So what do I propose? How do we solve the feral cat problem? Simple, my friends...

Cat jails.



Two "Cat Jail" Prototypes

In every municipality dealing with a feral cat problem, we set up special tribunals to try accused cats. Each cat will be assigned a public defender, and the prosecution will have to prove that the de-feline-dent actually committed a crime.

If convicted, the cat will receive a sentence anywhere from community service (forced to pick up trash along the highway) to life behind bars (I don't believe in the death penalty).

Now, I know what you're saying. This will cost taxpayers billions. It will make a mockery of the criminal justice system. Billions, you say? Well how much are we spending on the war?? A mockery of the criminal justice system? Um... hello, remember this?:


The System Doesn't Work

Cat jails will work as a deterrent, making feral cats think twice about attacking endangered birds. And they can pay for themselves... just charge admission to cat lovers, turning each cat jail into a sort of petting zoo.

The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it will work. So write your congressman. Tell him you don't want another cent of your taxpayer dollars going towards the war, and you want it all directed towards cat jails. It's the only humane way to deal with this problem.

Opiate Of The Asses



I'm not ashamed to say it. I believe in God. Does he have a white beard and a deep, booming voice? Does he really dig pipe organ music?? I'm not so sure.

But what I am sure of is this. One reason God doesn't appear to us is that a good number of us humans are totally, freaking nuts.

Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are among several celebrities who have restraining orders against some of their overly rabid fans. Can you imagine how many restraining orders God would have to get if he was walking around down here? Have you seen some of these nutballs???


God Would Not Give This Woman An Autograph

Two recent stories are perfect examples of how looney tunes some of these so-called religious people can be.

In the Sudan, a nation known for its religious tolerance and abundant good cheer, a British schoolteacher at the Unity High School was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her elementary school class to name a teddy bear "Mohammad."

Nevermind that "Mohammad" is the MOST POPULAR NAME IN THE MUSLIM WORLD. For some reason, it's ok to give the name Mohammad to your son (who may grow up to become a drug addict, criminal, or any number of things offensive to the prophet's name), but to give that name to a teddy bear is illegal.

Fortunately, the Sudanese people are outraged by the verdict. Unfortunately, they're outraged because they believe the teacher's punishment was NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

At least 600 Islamic demonstrators spilled out of mosques after prayers, chanting: "By soul, by blood, I will fight for the Prophet Mohammad."

Some of the protesters demanded the teacher's execution, according to The Associated Press. The agency reports that some chanted: "No tolerance: Execution" and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad."

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan," a prominent cleric added.

Apparently, these extremist Muslims believe that even with all the poverty, war, and endless misery in the Islamic world, God is most pissed off that some teacher would have the nerve to let her students name a stuffed animal after his prophet.

If God wants his followers to murder someone over that... well just imagine what other offenses he wants his people to kill for.

Extremist Islamic Guy: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?

Guy: What?

ETG: You double-dipped the chip.

Guy: Excuse me?

ETG: You dipped the chip, took a bite, and then you dipped again.

Guy: So?

ETG: Infidel!!!! (stabs guy with knife)

George Is Lucky He's Not In Sudan

I'm no prophet, but I think the almighty has more important things to worry about.

The other story in the news today is even more tragic. A 14-year-old boy had a 70% chance of surviving leukemia if he got a blood transfusion. He chose not to.

Why? he was a Jehovah's Witness. And they don't believe in blood transfusions. According to the boy's religion, he wasn't allowed to live. God wanted him to die.

The same God that allowed mankind to create medical breakthroughs that could save his life, didn't want the boy to use those medical breakthroughs to save his life.

These may be extreme examples, but they're not the only ones. There's people who say we'd all be better off without religion. I don't think that's true. But clearly, we'd be better off if God could just get restraining orders against all the nutjobs.

Perhaps he should hire Nicole's lawyer.

What They Were Thinking


Bush welcomes Gore and other 2007 Nobel Prize winners to the White House