The Five Worst Holiday Gift Ideas For 2010

I love holiday shopping. It's just fun to buy gifts, and it's especially fun to receive them. I even wrote a gift guide on this blog two years ago (some of those stores have since closed). But today, I'm writing about bad gifts. Laughably bad gifts that are available from major retailers this holiday season. These Ho Ho Horrendous presents are guaranteed to ruin anyone's Christmas or Chanukah spirit.

5. Pillow Remote Control



This is what happens when someone has an idea and never really thinks it all the way through. "You’ll never lose this remote in-between the cushions. Because it IS a cushion!!!!!!"

Um, yeah, it's also an uncomfortable pillow, and incredibly awkward as a remote. There's a distinct possibility laying down on it will change the channel. It's not exactly ergonomically designed and lacks easy navigation controls for today's menu-based cable and satellite systems. The sum of the parts, in this case, does not add up to a whole.

4. Tokyoflash Kisai Wasted Watch



Someone will want this. Someone will inevitably think this looks cool. But for more than $80, plus shipping and handling, this wristwatch will make telling the time... almost impossible. I mean, there's a whole YouTube video explaining it, and I'm still lost. Imagine if you're running late. You'd never know it.

3. Ballistic Shoes



According to SkyMall, these shoes can "defy gravity" and "catapult" your legs as you run. They also feature, for some unexplained reason, a sperm logo. Ball-istic indeed!

2. Beard Oil



As much as I like New York Magazine and their quirky gift recommendations... oil for a beard? Even if your man (or woman) sports a beard, it's hard to imagine anyone getting that excited over this.

1. The Vulcanite Anal Douche



This product was actually featured in Yahoo's Holiday Gift Guide (Under "Personal Care"). I guess that's why they're not as big as Google.

Of course, I guess this gift works if you're trying to send a message.

Friday Food Holiday Gift Guide

They say the quickest way to someone's heart is through their stomach (though as my doctor friends point out, it's quicker to make an incision in the breastplate.) In NYC, you can step it up a notch above a box of Godivas fairly easily and cheaply.

Just visit these places below:

The Store: Fat Witch Bakery, 75 9th Ave. (Chelsea Market)

What You'll Find:

Holiday Cauldron Special, $18.99. One luscious, gooey, mmm Fat Witch brownie is $2.75... this collection has 7 Fat Witch Baby Brownies, 3 Blonde Babies and 3 Walnut Babies.

Also look for: For do-it-yourselfers, Fat Witch's Original Brownie Mix.

The Store: La Maison Du Chocolat, 30 Rockefeller Center.

What You'll Find:

Chocolate Macaroon, $2.50 ea. This isn't one of those dry, coconutty lumps for Passover... this is the best cookie they'll ever have in their life. Gift boxes with a variety of flavors are available.

Also look for: Chocolate Covered Fruit, Tasse De Chocolat-- dark chocolate beads, and, if you're in the store, a overdose-inducing cup of Hot Chocolate.

The Store: Butter Lane, 123 E. 7th St.
What You'll Find:

Chocolate Cupcake with French Vanilla Buttercream Icing,$2.50. There's no way you'll want to wait in line at Magnolia, so try these cupcakes on for size.

Also look for: A much-raved-about Banana Cream Cheese cupcake (which I was unfortunately not able to sample), a variety of French buttercream and American buttercream (the staff will explain the difference) cupcakes.

The Store: Build A Green Bakery, 223 First Ave.

What You'll Find:

Big Box of Little Cookies, $15.00. Size doesn't matter... with these cookies. Always fresh, they pack some big taste.

Also look for:New York Chocolate Cheesecake and Peanut Butter Chocolate Cheesecake, out this month, and their tasty Blueberry Corn Muffins.

The Store: Dylan's Candy Bar, 1011 Third Ave.

What You'll Find:

Dylan's Candy Bar Striped Scarf, $42.00. I was gonna feature some candy here, then I saw this scarf with pockets. A scarf with pockets! I thought of that first.

Also look for: Candy. All kinds. Everything from a Pez Elvis Gift Set to Chocolate Covered Peanuts in a Paint Can. Yes, a Paint Can. Paint not included.

New York City Holiday Gift Guide: Sports and Dorks

Just a handful of places today, where you can find gifts for your sports fan or, er... anti-sports fan. Let's go NYU Bobcats!! Yes... its Bobcats. Not Violets. I swear.

The Store: Steve & Barry's, 100 W. 33rd St. (Manhattan Mall)

What You'll Find:

Long-Sleeve College T-Shirt, $4.00. Help your friend or relative feel like a college kid again.

Also look for: Steve and Barry's is going out of business, and the phrase "picked over" doesn't begin to describe the remaining items from their closing sale. But if you get there this week, there's still plenty of Steve & Barry's fleeces, Laird Hamilton's "Wonderwall" surf-clothing collection, University of Michigan Varsity-Style Jackets, and ridiculously cheap earrings and other accessories.

The Store: Yankees Clubhouse Store, 393 Fifth Ave.

What You'll Find:

New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox Connect Four MLB Game, $19.99. The only bad part about this gift? Someone ends up having to play as the Red Sox.

Also look for: Yankees Jerseys and Caps, a Yankees Mr. Potato Head doll.

The Store: Paragon Sports, 867 Broadway

What You'll Find:

Finis SwiMP3 V2 Player, $111.96. For the swimmer who found out the hard way that iPods don't work underwater.

Also look for: Every sporting good under the sun, Custom Pocket Knives, and some great lawn games, like the Franklin Sports Spongebob All Sport Set, which includes a pop up goal and soccer ball.

The Store: Jewish Book Center of The Workman's Circle, 45 E. 33rd St.

What You'll Find:

Mensch T-Shirt, $13.00. For the mensch who has everything, except a T-Shirt printed with the definition of what a Mensch is.

Also look for: Musical Dreidels, books on Kabbalah, or Jewish Mysticism, and for aspiring Jewish Jocks, the Shvitz! My Yiddishe Workout DVD.

The Store: Bauman Rare Books, 535 Madison Ave.

What You'll Find:

Issac Asimov's Book Of Facts, Signed By The Author, $150. The king of sci-fi for your sci-fi fan. As long as he doesn't mind that Asimov wrote in it.

Also look for:A framed collection of Beatles' Autographs, rare first editions of books and manuscripts.

More gift guide to come. See the whole gift guide, here.

New York City Wacky Japanese Gift Guide

The gift guide continues...

Those Japanese are really ahead of the curve. I mean, first, Nintendo. Then sushi. Then Tamagachi. Then Alyssa Milano and Jennifer Love Hewitt as major pop stars. Well, okay, maybe they don't know music. But they good know what looks good and is fun to play with. Us Americans struggle to keep up. Unless you shop at these stores below, beacons of Japanese brilliance shining through the concrete caverns of New York City:

The Store: AC Gears, 69 E. 8th St.

What You'll Find:

Takaratomy Air Guitar Pro Acoustic, $55.99. Air guitarists everywhere now have an alternative to Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Also look for: Cool gadgets like the Dreams DJ Speaker, a keychain-sized device that allows you to DJ-scratch along with your iPod, cool accessories like Angel and Devil Earphones, and the most fun alarm clock you'll ever see, the Bandai Gun Oclock Alarm Clock:



The Store: Kid Robot, 118 Prince St.

What You'll Find:

Yummy Breakfast Keychain, $4.95 ea. Who doesn't want a smiling short-stack of pancakes holding their keys together?

Also look for: Vinyl and metal figurines ranging from the dark and subversive (Cannibal FunFair Figurines) to the adorable and deplorable (cigarette-addicted Smorkin` Labbits).

The Store: Giant Robot, 437 E. 9th St.

What You'll Find:

Lie Detector Toy, $21.00. Now you can tell if they really like their gift.

Also look for: Unique stocking stuffers like the furry monster-shaped Domokun Small Coin Purse, Super Mario Brothers keychains. Also, er, the I'm-not-convinced-it's-innocent Elite Banana Massager, shaped like the fruit.

Tuesday Toy Store Gift Guide

I love toys. So do you. Everyone loves 'em. And in New York City, you're not limited to KB Toys at the mall or Toys R' Us. You can find some toys here that you can't find in many places. Not even at the North pole.

The Store: Dinosaur Hill, 306 E. 9th St.

What You'll Find:

"Where The Wild Things Are" Puppets, $27.50. This is one seriously cute monster.

Also look for: Handcrafted, old-fashioned wooden toys, kid's instruments like a miniature Calypso Steel Drum, and the adorable shaggy Razzy, the owner's schnoodle (not for sale).

The Store: Kidding Around, 60 W. 15th St.

What You'll Find:

Pottery Wheel, $50.00. Because how else can your kid re-create the scene from Ghost?

Also look for: Shrinky Dinks, Creativity For Kids arts & crafts sets, the kid-ridable Yellow Jacket Plane.

The Store: Alphabets, 115 Ave. A

What You'll Find:

MyTunes MP3 Amp, $40.00. Crank up your Coldplay/Joe Santorini collection way past 11.

Also look for: Gag gifts, funky t-shirts, Ugly Dolls, Slinky Dogs, wallets and watches, like the Android “Radar” Watch.

The Store: Boomerang Toys‎, 173 W Broadway

What You'll Find:

Elite Fleet Battery Powered Backyard Flyer Airplane, $18.00. For those not old enough to fly a real airplane.

Also look for: Classic brand name toys like a Thomas the Train Engine Wooden Train Set, animal puppets by Folkmani, and activity sets like Marvin's Magic Box Of Tricks.

The Store: FAO Schwarz, 767 5th Ave.

What You'll Find:

Make Your Own Muppet, $130. Amateur Jim Hensons, now's your chance to create the new Kermit.

Also look for: The home version of the Piano Dance Mat featured in the Tom Hanks movie, "Big," plus basically every toy you can imagine.

Monday Museum Gift Guide

There are lots of museums in New York, all with their own gift shop. And those are great places to find unique gifts not found anywhere else. Below are five that I've been to. There's a lot more where this came from, so get out this week and help the NYC economy by shopping until dropping.

The Store: MOMA Design Store, 81 Spring St.

What You'll Find:

Lumen Oil Lamp, $50.00. Start a forest fire, without all the damage!

Also look for: Muji products, like the Muji Jewelry Box With Mirror, and funky watches, like the Matthew Waldman-designed Zub 20 Zot Watch.

The Store: American Folk Art Museum Gift Shop, 45 W. 53rd St.

What You'll Find:

Handcrafted Board Piano, $38.00. Made in Pennsylvania, adapted from an ancient African folk instrument, its a finger-pickin' good time.

Also look for: A Cat Face Pillow, handsewn by Indian artisans, and an folk-artist-designed Compass Necklace.

The Store: Ukranian Museum Gift Shop, 222 E. 6th St

What You'll Find:

Inlaid Ring Box, $27.00. Because your mail-order Ukranian bride will need something to put her other husband's wedding ring in.

Also look for: Гаррі Поттер - повна серія книжок, which translates roughly to, a collection of 7 Harry Potter books, in the "original" Ukranian. Also Ukranian Dolls and Teddy Bears.

The Store: American Museum Of Natural History, Central Park West at 79th St.

What You'll Find:


Space Navigator, $75.00. Give them the sun, the moon, the planets and the stars with this electronic guide to the night sky.

Also look for: The gravity defying Cosmic Rocket, a Paint-Your-Own_Butterfly art kit, and the Chemc500 Chemistry set.

The Store: De La Vega, 102 St. Marks Pl.

What You'll Find:

Become Your Dream T-Shirt, $35.00. James De La Vega's St. Marks street shop isn't a museum, per se, but he's got plenty of graffiti-style, counter-culture art to buy.

Also look for: Prints, stickers and T-shirts from De La Vega's "Mother Series," in which he depicts his mother as Castro, John Lennon, and other figures.

Stay tuned, the city gift finder continues...

The New York City Gift Guide



Holiday time is here again, and whether you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or Festivus, you're probably looking to buy a few gifts (or, in the case of Festivus, preparing for The Airing of Grievances). There's no better place to do that than New York City, home to funky, fresh and fabulous gifts you can't find anyplace else.

I've been to a plethora of present purveyors during my time in the city, and I went to some of the best (i.e. most conveniently located to my home, business, and friends' apartments) to uncover some good ideas for your family and friends this shopping season.

We'll cover five stores today, with more to follow all next week!

Browsing these stores is highly reccommended, even though most have websites. They're all colorful, fun and unique. You never know what you'll find. Remember, if you do your holiday shopping right, those Christmas carols will sound a little merrier, those Chanukah candles will seem to burn brighter, that Kwanza basket will appear to overflow with abundance, and that cold aluminum pole just may feel a little less cold.

The Store: Exit 9, 64 Ave. A

What You'll Find:

My Ukelele, $49.00. Make beautiful music.

Also look for: Gag gifts, like a spongy Shower Mic, and interesting gadgets like a Solar Radio.

The Store: Daily 235, 235 Elizabeth St.

What You'll Find:

Rody, $65. A rocking horse for the new millenium.

Also look for: Gag gifts like the "Control A Man" Remote and "Convert To Judaism" Breath Spray, cute items like Animal Clocks.

The Store: VIDEOGAMES NEW YORK, 202 E. 6th St.

What You'll Find:

Nintendo DSi, $299.99. Unreleased in the U.S., this Japanese import is gamer nirvana.

Also look for: Old-school classic gaming systems like the Nintendo Game & Watch.

The Store: Tiny Living, 125 E. 7th St.

What You'll Find:

10x Office Tool, $21.95. Stapler, hole punch, and 8 more office necessities in one tiny package.

Also look for: Accessories for a small apartment, like the Fireplace Candle and Folding Wine Rack.

The Store: Sam Flax, 12 W. 20th St.

What You'll Find:

Kikkerland Windup Zecar, $14.95. Wind-up fun.

Also look for: Desk games like the Ruda Metal Football Game Desk Set and arts & crafts gifts like the Melissa & Doug Table Top Easel.

Christmukah Fun In NYC



I need to go to this:

NBC- F. A. O. Schwarz has a make-your-own Muppet station called The Muppet Whatnot Workshop! The store provides a slew of wigs, eyes, noses, outfits, and body types to choose from, which combined allows for 72,576 different variations of Muppets.

The Make-Your-Own Muppets cost $130 each, but Kermit makes a pretty good argument for buying one, now: Kermit & Ms. Piggy

The puppets are the real deal-- the same materials and quality that they use for the various Muppets shows.

You'll be able to design your own Muppet online starting in February, but if you're in New York City, why wait? Or rather, why not wait... on line at F.A.O., that is, for about two hours or so.

Cheap Gifts, Future Thrills

My latest article is up on MSN.com: A Gift-Giver's Guide To Free Stuff On The Web

It's somewhat adapted from a blog entry I wrote quite some time ago.

My next article for MSN concerns the future. Basically, why aren't we living it right now? Where's the 21st century past generations predicted for us?

Curious as to how life will be in 2057, 50 years from now, I recently took a time machine (Wikipedia). Here's what I found out:

I will be 75. Hopefully.

Two solar eclipses will happen in the same year for the first time since 1889.

Tulsa, Oklahoma will unearth a time capsule with a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle as part of its contents.

The guy from 28 Days Later will travel into the sun in a giant spacecraft, in order to restart the dying star's nuclear core. It will be dull. And completely illogical.

Insurance companies will withold coverage from people who drink alcohol. But sexy female surgeons will operate on them anyway.

A holographic shark will shut down a major city. Much like a lite-bright shut down Boston.

Solar power will still be in its infancy, the result of decades of oil company propoganda. We will somehow blame the energy crisis on China.

Have A Guilt-Free Thanksgiving



Thanksgiving is here again, and that means you'll probably be sitting down with the family to eat turkey, give thanks for your bounty, and recall our ancestors' joyous feast with the Native Americans.

Of course, you may feel guilty about participating in a mass slaughter of the bird Ben Franklin once described as "a Bird of Courage, [who] would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on." And you might have some qualms about celebrating your good fortune in the midst of so much worldwide poverty. And perhaps you view that joyful celebration with the Native Americans as phase one in a dark, scandalous plan to infect the natives with smallpox and slowly conquer their land. Not to mention how you feel about throwing away all that wasted food and the fear of sporting a bloated, bulbous stomach into the holiday season.

Here's five ways you can stop your Thanksgiving from becoming "Thanksguilting":

1. Adopt A Turkey

Yes, it is the turkey's fault for being so moist and delicious. But that doesn't mean turkeys don't deserve to live a fruitful life. At AdoptATurkey.org, $20 pays a turkey's room and board at a farm animal sanctuary in beautiful Watkins Glen, New York or Orland, California. You get a color photograph of your turkey, an adoption certificate and a year subscription to Farm Sanctuary's quarterly newsletter. Or you can home adopt a turkey and provide lifelong care for your new pet... carnivores need not apply.


Only Vegetarians Think This Cartoon Is Funny

2. Pay Back The Native Americans

You can't really make up for the injustices native Americans suffered at the hands of our ancestors. But you can help build a better future for their descendants. Donate to The American Indian College Fund, which helps provide scholarships and other support for the nation's tribal colleges and universities. Help Red Feather Development Group build a house for a native American community. And educate your family by watching Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, the powerful, Emmy-award winning, HBO-produced drama based on the U.S. government treatment of the Sioux after the battle of Little Big Horn (Tonight 10:30 on HBO2).

3. Feed The Hungry

The best thing you can do is to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. But if you can't handle getting "hands on," then how about donating money or food online to Second Harvest? Aspiring musicians can make a song about fighting hunger and contribute it to FightHunger.org. Or you can help out your favorite charity by using GoodSearch.com instead of Yahoo! and Google. They donate 50% of their ad revenue to the charities users pick.

4. Have An Eco-Friendly Thanksgiving

Save the environment while you expand your waistline. About.com has some generic tips on going green this holiday season. The Nature Conservancy suggests buying a slow-raised, organic "Heritage Turkey" and calculating ways to limit the carbon emissions your travel plans may cause. Take the Treehugger challenge and use only ingredients produced less than 100 miles from your home.

5. Do The Turkey Trot

Thanksgivings bring families together... which means you'll finally have enough people to make your very own sporting event! Have the family compete in a friendly race (the turkey trot). Or set up a game of flag football in the backyard. The more physical activity you do beforehand, the better that turkey will taste.

Well, there you have it. Any suggestions from you out there on how to make your Turkey Day guilt-free??