Dear Juan Pablo

Dear Juan, Most Recent Bachelor on ABC's The Bachelor,

I don't know you personally. I only know what I've seen on ABC's The Bachelor, which is like saying I know all about defusing bombs from watching Die Hard. I'm sure you're a really nice guy, even if ABC's editors made you look like a douchebag on national TV.

Truth is, I was as uncomfortable as you were when Chris Harrison kept trying to get you to say "I love you" to your chosen mate, Nikki, on the "After The Final Rose" post-finale episode. You kept deflecting, and Harrison kept at it, all but demanding you say "I love zis girl," as if those words would magically make every woman in the room shed their clothes and launch into a orgy of epic proportions. Harrison acted as if he couldn't understand why you couldn't say "I love you" to a girl you'd only recently met on a reality TV show.

Here's the thing. I said "I love you" to plenty of girls in my unbridled youth, most of whom I now realize I didn't actually love. Was I horny for them? Did being in their presence give me a giddy high, as if I'd just entered an Amsterdam coffee house? You betcha. Back then, however, I couldn't distiguish that from real love, which, as you and I know, Juan Pablo, is far deeper than--"her melones estan grande."

The truth is, love is kind of like quantum physics. Let me explain, Juan Pablo, because I know soccer is more your area of knowledge. See, physicists, studying the tiny atoms that make up our world (and Nikki's masivo globos), discovered that the tiniest parts of our universe are both particles and waves. They are both something that can be held in place like a grain of sand--and something that floats about in space, undefinable, here and there and everywhere at once. Love is like that. It's both a feeling-- those butterflies you feel when Nikki's picos gemelos are pressed against you-- and something more practical and real, like mutual respect, shared interests, similar values, unified goals. The things you know and want to know about each other. Any "love" that just has one part but not the other isn't real love at all.

You recently Instagrammed a photo of Nikki, and said: "Mi Catira @nikki_ferrell LOVES her JOB and thats ONE of the things I LOVE about her... #NikkiTheNurse." Rumors also indicate that you may have told Nikki the actual words, "I love you." But I'm not so sure that you do. On The Bachelor, you never asked any of the girls anything about themselves. When Andi called you out on seeming disinterested, you said you were just being honest. "It's okay," you said, over and over. But you kind of missed her point. Part of finding love is discovering what makes up another person. Finding the pieces of them that fit the pieces of you, and I'm not just talking about salchichos and bollos. Your Instagram caption? Well, I think it shows that you don't quite understand the meaning of love.

Loving a job isn't the same as loving a person. Loving one, or even a few attributes of somebody isn't the same as loving her. Love is when all the pieces fit. Even the ones that don't. Even the annoyances, the "dark matter," as the physicists would call it, are so bound up in what you love about someone, that you can't take them away without bursting everything else apart. Love is when your waves and your particles are one and the same, even though you're still two separate people to the untrained eye. You orbit each other, even from far away. I'm sure Nikki gives you some good feelings. Those waves are strong. But when I look for the particles, I just don't see them.

I wish you the best, Juan Pablo. I don't fault you for keeping the word "love" close to the vest. That's the way it should be. Just do yourself a favor and take Andi's advice. Get to know Nikki. More than just what she does for a living or how delicioso her gato is.


Sincerely,

Adam's Life

I May Have Figured Out Bob Benson, But Probably Not

Last season on AMC's Mad Men, Meagan Draper was the breakout character, stealing our hearts with "Zou Bisou Bisou," and basically looking hot in underwear. This season, a new character has emerged..... and while he has clearly stolen our favorite buxom redhead's heart, he's creeping the rest of us the fuck out.

I'm talking of course, about smiling Bob Benson.

Internet speculation has been running wild. Who is this happy, well-adjusted man, on a show where everyone is broken in some way? HE MUST BE A PSYCHO KILLER!!!

I was reading one blog's theory when a paragraph got me thinking (emphasis mine):

He's an Army-trained registered nurse, and he's available now only because he's brought my father back to full health.
-Bob Benson to Pete Campbell in "The Better Half"

Bob Benson is up to something. He's a good guy, sure. He loves to help out, and he's good at it. But he's also a liar.

When Bob sends a "royal spread" to Roger Sterling's mother's wake, Ken Cosgrove confronts him. "I was just thinking of when my father died," Benson told Cosgrove in "The Doorway," the premiere episode of Mad Men's sixth season. Unless Benson has two fathers -- one who has died, and another who has been brought back to full health by an Army-trained registered nurse -- he's being dishonest.

 Hold the phone. This blogger didn't realize it, but I think they just stumbled onto the answer. Who is Bon Benson?

He's Don Draper's son. The ACTUAL Don Draper's son.

We know Don Draper, ad man, is actually Dick Whitman, prostitute's kid. Don Draper died in Korea, and Dick stole his identity. Draper's real wife tracked Dick down, and they developed a mother-son kind of relationship. But we know absolutely nothing else about the Don Draper that died in the war. Maybe he had a child (a love child hidden from his wife, or known about but never mentioned). This child grew up, and discovered that someone was using his father's name. "When my father died," refers to when the young Bob Benson learned his dad died in the war. "An army-trained registered nurse brought my father back to full health"-- that's a reference to someone who helped Dick Whitman recover from his war injuries, something the young Bob Benson may have learned about later.

In this context, Bob Benson isn't a liar. He technically has two fathers, one dead and one who recovered, both named Don Draper.

I don't know if the timeline works out, but it's an interesting idea. Bob Benson knows Don's/Dick's secret.

This Revolution Should Not Be Televised

If you were a first time watcher of NBC's Revolution this week (and given the dwindling ratings, that's unlikely), you may have been confused. 

"I thought they had no power? No one seems to act like it."

Indeed, with all the helicopters, cars, automatic weapons, computer screens, glowing pendants, you'd think at least one of these characters or the people they meet who spent the last decade-plus in the dark would be fascinated and perhaps a bit hopeful by the newfound presence of electricity. But like the writers of the show, they seem to have stopped caring much about the concept of a world without power after the first few episodes. 

However, this is not a show undone by the lack of devotion to its core concept. It's a show undone by shoddy internal logic and woefully insufficient character building. This is a show where characters do mind-numbingly stupid things just to advance the plot. Where a flashback seemingly designed to inform a character's backstory (ala LOST) lasts about a minute and is largely cliched and pointless (the big baddie's backstory thus far? He once slept with his former best friend Miles's girlfriend. Ooh.)

Fine actors are absolutely wasted in their parts. The biggest example--besides Juliet from LOST seeming angrier to be on this disaster with each episode--was the show's use of Mark Pellegrino (Jacob from Lost). When he first appears, it's as little more than a background character... But his acting ability instantly marks him as someone more capable than the actor he shares scenes with, the one-dimensional Monroe. When he finally does get significant lines in the script, it's to explain that he's "one of Monroe's oldest and closest friends," something not even hinted at in the previous episodes. Pellegrino is so good he actually sells it with the hurt, wounded look in his eyes. But no matter. Spoiler Alert: He's killed a few scenes later, illustrating something that we already know: Monroe's a paranoid crazy man who kills pretty much anyone he's ever had a one on one conversation with. 

That brings up another crucial failing of the show. Monroe is so one-dimensional that you question why anyone would follow his lead. In one episode, he orders the townspeople to be rounded up and locked inside a building, which he then orders to be set on fire. Mark Pellegrino briefly questions this, but no one seems to want to stop this lunacy. Are they all just as crazy as Monroe? What is it about the guy that inspires his followers? Couldn't anybody else do his job better? The guy has ELECTRICITY for goodness sakes, and instead of rebuilding his territory and giving the power to his people, instead uses it to ineffectually pilot helicopters that are no good at targeting anything but extras and redshirts with efficiency. Do you know what would happen if the Monroe republic was the only place with electric light, heat, tv, Internet, etc? The other countries would surrender to Monroe immediately. Their people would demand it, in order to access the technology. Instead, Monroe treats it like a toy. And not even an important toy. The number of pendants and generators that have been easily slipped out of his camp must number in the hundreds at this point. 

That's another thing. Juliet from Lost and the-random-scientist-we-forgot-about that was shot in this most recent episode (another good actor given little to do and dispatched this week) both are able to put together these portable electric amplifiers pretty easily. WHY AREN'T THEY DOING THIS? Why didn't they start doing it from minute one of the blackout? They could have sold these things and made billions. Or given them to the Georgia federation and Governor Ben Affleck in California (the show's best moment). Heck, why even make the trek to "The Tower" at all?? (The Tower, obstensibly, has the ability to turn the nanobots off and restore power everywhere) Just build a million of those generator thingys and it becomes a moot point.

 In this last episode, the characters all find themselves in a contrived "who-done-it?" plot at an airfield in the middle of nowhere. Despite knowing their final destination would be out of range of their gas tank, they don't bring extra fuel. At this abandoned airfield, characters WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE ON THE HELICOPTER start dying in gruesome ways. Someone is killing them. Guess who?

No, seriously, guess who? They story briefly becomes interesting, because the fact is, everybody except for Charlie and Miles could be the killer. Nora's coming down from hallucinogenic drugs after being tortured for no apparent reason (seriously, how hard is it to find Miles? Monroe bumps into him every other episode), Neville's an established villain who's tried to kill everybody multiple times, his son was offered some shady job by a Monroe spy, the scientist-we-forgot-about was just torturing Nora a few scenes back, and Hudson... well, I guess he's mad about losing his wife, but he's apparently okay enough to joke about it.

How does this crew figure out who the murderer is? Do they set a clever trap? Analyze the scene and evaluate the clues (Clue was the title of this episode)? No. The scientist-we-don't-remember sees that the knife used to kill the guys was manufactured in Maryland, and Hudson happened to be in Annapolis a few days ago. How this proves anything is beside the point, and it doesn't really matter, because Hudson shoots and kills the scientist before attempting to kill Miles. He's shot by Neville's son, and Neville seems kind of proud. It's a heartwarmer.

The AvClub recap commenters weigh in: 

"So I don't get how the knife's origin proves anything...like saying..."Hey, this was made in China...who's been in China recently."

"And why on earth are people making knives? There must be a thousands of knives lying around from before the collapse that would be of far better quality than could be made without electricity."

"The knife was clearly manufactured, i.e pre-power outage, unless they've adapted steam power to again enable mass production of uniform, interchangeable parts, which would be interesting if only the show's creators gave even a single thought to creating a believable, consistent world!"

All valid points.

"Monroe just blew up Miles' last campsite, so how would Nora [tortured in a windowless room for 21 days] even know where he'd go next?"

" instead of just shooting Miles in the head at any opportune moment in Georgia, Hudson concocts an elaborate scheme to strand everyone including himself in the middle of nowhere and pick them off one by one. Assuming he succeeds, how exactly is he going to get word to Monroe's people with enough evidence to get his wife back?"

So true.

Is there any saving this thing? Can it be more than a vehicle for hate-watching? 

Sure. Kill all the characters, refocus the show on a mysterious island, and make a plane crash happen. Rename the show Lost and hire a writing staff that knows how to make believable characters.

Game of Thrones is back baaaaby!

I've let go of Lost, that brilliant, now deceased television show that every subsequent show starring former Lost actors now tries to mimic. I'm now equally enthralled with Game of Thrones, which opened its 3rd season with its main characters strewn across the globe of Westeros, all seeking to define themselves in this next stage of the Game.

Bastard Jon Snow is as far North as far gets, and that little speech he gives to Mance Rayder, King of the Wildlings, almost convinces me he's legit gone rogue. He's not playing for the Black Cloaks anymore. He's had a taste of some red headed wild child and he's seen some shady crow deals with white walkers. I know who I'd rather hang out with.

Jon's Half-brother, the King of the North, finds his bannermen slain at an abandoned Harrenhall. Suddenly, Katelyn's betrayal really becomes clear to me. She deserves to be put in a cell. Probably worse. She made an incredibly stupid and selfish decision to free Jamie. Lady Katelyn, blinded by grief and fear, traded Jamie for her two daughters. Only one of whom is actually in the Lannisters' grasp. He was a bargaining chip that could have ended the war! Winter is Coming. If everyone doesn't start looking north soon, there won't be a seven kingdoms to fight over.

Sansa wants to play pretend. Indeed, that's what she's been doing ever since coming to Kings Landing. She's playing a part, acting courtly while she fears for her life. She may not be the sharpest tool in the shed (unlike her clever sister Arya, off-screen this week), but she is preparing to sail away from all this with Peter Baelish (who has his own designs, as always, and a redhead that looks just a little bit like Sansa.)

Our dear Khaleesi wants to take back the seven kingdoms of Westeros, but she can't do it without an army. Her seasick horsemen are looking like its Sunday morning after the kegger. But she's no fan of buying Ken-doll slaves forced to kill babies. By the way, why did vaguely Arabic Ben Kingsley feel the need to slice off a nipple? That's just rawwwng, man.

But our dear Khaleesi is not the only woman in Westeros with eyes on the crown. Our dearest Marjorie Tyrell, giver of gifts to the impoverished orphans, (and terrific breasts to Jofferey and me). Her blood runs warm, but unless she knows how to bludgeon a prostitute to death, I doubt King Joffery will really get that into her. One thing's for sure, Incest Mama Cersei is NOT a fan.

Cersei's not a fan of Our Pal Tyrion either. Cersei visits his cell... I mean, room, and basically tells him she still carries a grudge for some incident involving a servant girl when she was 9. Tyrion's dad, Tywin the well groomed, tells Tyrion that his grudge against his vertically-different son goes back to the day of the boy's questionable birth. No Casterly Rock for him. Ouch.

Sir Davos the Onion Knight is not dead, but his son sadly is. He's loyal to Stannis till the end, which of course means the Red Woman has him immediately locked away. No more demon babies as of yet.

Finally, our Dear Khaleesi nearly falls for the old poisonous-Fukajima-neon-green-scorpion-in-the-wooden-ball trick. Sir Barristan, old guy, sworn defender of two murdered kings, shows up to save her life and to pledge his services. The dragon queen's wannabe-Loverboy looks a bit threatened.

There were a lot of characters we didn't see this week... And that leads me back to Lost. Lost had tons of characters too. All with rich back stories. Ditto for Game of Thrones. Both shows have handled the development of a large cast of characters with ease. Revolution, featuring Juliette from Lost, should take some notes.

The Modern Family Teen Sex Controversy

Family teen sex? That title will get me some hits from Google.

Huffington Post writer Ann Brenoff is mad at the Writer's Guild of America, ABC, and presumably the majority of teenagers in this country because last week's episode of "Modern Family" mentioned that a 17-year-old high school senior was sexually active-- AND THEY DIDN'T USE IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TURN IT INTO A TV-MOVIE-OF-THE-WEEK TEACHING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF TEEN SEX!

The gist of it is, she wants "Modern Family," about life in the year 2012, to depict life in the 1950s.

By not making the loss of the teen girl's virginity (never depicted on screen, only alluded to) into THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, Ann says the writers are sending the message that "everybody is doing it." Because everybody is not, she says. She cites this data:

"30 percent -- of both male and female teens -- still haven't had intercourse by the time they turn 19."

Um. So, Ann, you're saying that 70 percent of teenagers have had sex by age 19??? ANN, WHY ARE YOU SENDING THE MESSAGE THAT EVERYBODY IS DOING IT!!!???

Somehow, in Ann's warped mind, the fact that, yeah, almost everybody is doing it, supports her argument. HOW DARE THE SHOW MENTION TEEN SEX WITHOUT GOING COMPLETELY CRAZY ABOUT IT!!!!

Perhaps Ann believes every TV show mentioning the fact that teens have sex should just copy the plot of "For Keeps?"

Great movie, by the way.

Ann actually cherry picks the 70% fact from a report that also mentions:

"On average, young people have sex for the first time at about age 17."

You mean... gasp... like the character on the show!?!?!

It goes on to say...

"The majority of sexually experienced teens (78% of females and 85% of males) used contraceptives the first time they had sex."

And...

"In 2006–2010, some 86% of female teens and 93% of male teens reported using contraceptives at last sex. These proportions represent a marked improvement since 1995."

And yet...

"Some 90% of publicly funded family planning clinics counseled clients younger than 18 about abstinence."

and oh...

"Only 5% of American high schools made condoms available to students."

Let's put it all together now, people:

Most American teens are having sex at age 17. Most are using condoms and birth control. The vast majority do not get pregnant and do not get STDs. The ones that do probably do because our society discourages the use of contraceptives.

Imagine if our country had a traffic safety committee getting mad about all the car crashes while at the same time yelling that there's no need to provide busy intersections with traffic light. ITS BEST TO JUST AVOID THAT INTERSECTION, KIDS!!! UNTIL YOU'RE OLDER!

Now, this "very special episode" of Modern Family doesn't mention whether the 17 year old is practicing safe sex. But the big moment in the episode is when the dad says to his daughter that he trusts her to make the right decisions. This approach-- creating a safe, non-judgmental relationship with one's teenager-- is a far better tactic than the reprimand-and-push-them-further-and-further-away-causing-them-to-star-in-the-next-season-of-Teen-Mom approach.

Perhaps if people like Ann didn't treat teen sex like an automatic disaster and blight on society, more parents would feel comfortable talking to their kids about safe sex. Maybe people would stop ignoring the power of hormones and start giving teens the tools they need to avoid tragic outcomes.

And maybe we should stop flipping out every time a TV show shows us something real, rather than insisting every plot be a morality play.

NYMag's Vulture blog might have the best take on this:

Phil is ready to have a “cool dad” moment with Haley — he looks at the camera and says everything he wants to say to us, the audience: that he realizes that sex is a natural part of life, and that he hopes that she’s being safe and that she feels free to talk to him about it. He manages to say none of this to Haley, and yet it’s enough, when she asks him whether he’d prefer a counter or a booth at the mall food court, he says, “Whatever seems right to you, I trust you.” Hug. No need for a heavy-duty Danny Tanner–style speech here, or a PSA. He’s said everything we wanted to hear to us, and he doesn’t need to say it again to Haley because she already knows. Haley, back on the couch at home, looks at the camera with a tear-stained face — not even a hint of sarcasm — and says, “I have a cool dad.” Such restraint, even more so than a grand emotional outpouring, is what makes this episode special.

Hmm. Maybe it is a "Very special episode" after all.

Seinfeld Is Back!!!



(Sorta)

According to the New York Post, the cast of Seinfeld will reunite on the HBO show "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which stars the Seinfeld creator, Larry David. The plot of this season of Curb will revolve around Larry's attempt to make a new Seinfeld episode.

The new "episode" may actually air in its entirety, as the season finale of Curb.

This makes me very, very happy. TV hasn't been the same since the four went to jail for refusing to help somebody. Of course, I'll never accept that episode as the actual finale. I prefer to think of this Saturday Night Live sketch as the actual Seinfeld ending:

Seinfeld in Oz

Lost Is So F-cking Good



SPOILER ALERT: Read no further if you're not up-to-date on Lost, or if you don't watch it.

-------------------------

Last night's episode of Lost was game-changing. It showed us the origins of several characters and established a logical reason behind some of the island's most enduring mysteries. However, if you weren't paying attention, it was easy to miss the magic.

Desmond named his kid Charlie. After Lostie rock star Charlie, who sacrificed his life to get everyone rescued. Aww.

Widmore was an other. I totally didn't see it coming. He snapped his buddy's neck!! Ruthless. Is Ben or Widmore the bad guy? Maybe it's both.

The Swan hatch was built next to a buried nuke. Which explains the concrete and lead shell that mystified Sayid, and may have something to do with "The Incident" that happens later.

Faraday just met his mom. On the island. When his mom was just a young woman. I totally missed this, but Lost and Gone Forever makes a great point. The blonde with the gun is named Ellie. Faraday's test rat was named Eloise... after his mother. Eloise = Ellie? Not a difficult stretch.

The whispers. Those strange whispers in the jungle that seem to pop up whenever danger is near? Well, our castaways are back in time, and judging by the preview for the next episode, they're now back in the time period when they were on the island. Could they be the ones whispering?

Why Locke is special. He's special because he was the one who told Richard Alpert about the time traveling properties of the island. Locke himself was responsible for Alpert visiting him at his birth, and perhaps those other times in his life.

The strange circumstances that got all the Oceanic passengers to the island. The universe course correcting itself-- Jack, Kate, et. al. HAD TO BE on that plane for the timeline to work. They had to go to the island so they could go back and time and be a part of the past that already happened. (Yes, that's confusing).

Why the Oceanic Six have to come back. Because they're an integral part of the timeline to come-- Desmond changed the future when he saved Charlie's life long enough for Charlie to press the yellow button and assure their rescue. In order for the correct future to take place, Jack, Kate et. al. have to return to finish what they started. If not, well... as Desmond's mother Ellie...Eloise said "God help us all."

How's my Adam's Life Patented Lost Theory holding up?

Surprisingly well! A few choice excerpts:

The hostiles on the island, however, were resistant to efforts to change the course of destiny. Think-- creepy dark-eyed Richard preaches "patience." Weird Ben ghost-mother says "it's not time yet." These are the words of people who believe in a set path. They strive to prevent all efforts at alteration.

Now we know that mysterious old lady from Desmond's time traveling day was once an Other, Ellie, on the island. And we know that Ben was an other. And that the two are working together to make sure things "follow the rules" and go according to plan. If it doesn't, "God help us all."

Widmore WAS an Other also, but his bag seems to be changing the future. "He changed the rules," Ben famously said when his daughter Alex got killed.

It stands to reason that Widmore would have a goal in common with the Dharma Initiative then... to "Make Your Own Kind Of Music." Its a safe bet he was the man behind it, after being forced off the island for as yet unknown reasons.

Remember... Creepy Old Lady told Desmond that entering the numbers was the single most important thing he'd ever do. If we're to take that literally... now that he can no longer enter the numbers, you'd think Desmond would feel pretty useless. Except he's not done entering the numbers. He's still entering them... by altering what he sees in his "flashes."

Desmond had the failsafe key = Desmond is the key. To Lost. To everything.

As Faraday says to Desmond, "You're the only one who can save us." I love patting myself on the back for being right.

Desmond has the power to change the future, which would mean that Widmore wouldn't have a problem with him. But Faraday's mother just might. "She may not be happy to see you," Widmore warns Desmond. He may be right about that.

The rest of my crazy theory?It's unclear how right I am at this time. But clearly, we're not talking about Good vs. Evil here. You'd be hard pressed to find any character on the show who hasn't done something really bad. The central battle in Lost is the battle between predestined fate and "make your own kind of music." Clearly, our Losties have been following fate's plan thus far, and it hasn't worked out so well for them. Should they be on Ben's side? Or Widmore's?

Tough to choose. They did both kill many innocent people.

EUREKA!!!

Maybe Ben and Widmore are both evil. Maybe this thing will end with the Losties and the Others combining forces to reach a happy medium-- fate and free will combined somehow.

More Lost Analysis of last night's episode here: Dark UFO

I can't wait. LOST!!!

Counter Strike


The Real Cause Of The Writer's Strike: Refusal To Work On Crap Like Cavemen

With no end to the Writers Guild strike in sight, one has to wonder: what do the studios have up there sleeve? Production has already been shut down on many, if not all, of the shows slated for the 2008 season. This week, the studios fired the writers they had on hand, throwing even next year's television slate into jeporady. Thanks to the writers' strike, Lost, Season 4 will only be 8 episodes long, meaning that the answer to the four-toed statue mystery will not be coming anytime soon.

The writers, and just about everyone else, figured the studios would have blinked by now. But the fact that they haven't indicates--at least to me--that the studios have a plan to weather the storm.

This worries me, as a member of the tv-watching public, and it should worry you. Because if you watched that pathetic Golden Globes, it's obvious that without writers (and the actors that support them), all we're left with is Billy Bush and another season of "Battle of the Choirs."

While I back the writers in this fight, I have no desire for TV to become a wasteland of half-baked reality tv and crappy game shows. So I've compiled a list of five ways networks can continue to put out programming that the viewing public can enjoy:

1. Re-run Cancelled Classics. Sometimes, awesome shows met their ends wayyy too soon. CBS's Jericho, for example, about a small town that survives in a post-nuclear-attack America (which was brought back for a second season after pssionate fan demand). Or Fox's Firefly, about a ragtag bunch of space travelers in a wild-west galaxy. No one saw these shows because the networks were glutted with high quality fare like "Celebrity Boxing," "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire," and "Baby Bob." Now is the time to bring them back for a second run. A dedicated cult following will watch the shows, and they'll appear brand new to those who haven't seen them before (and that's most people). Better yet, the shows may undergo a "Family Guy"-style rebirth, with renewed interest sparking DVD sales and increasing demand for new episodes.

I'm not the only one with this idea. Alan Sepinwall, tv critic, is featuring the cancelled tv show "Cupid" on his blog, as part of his "Strike Survival Club." How long until the networks follow suit?

(also, what about a show featuring failed pilots (like "Heat Vision and Jack"?? Wouldn't it be interesting to see what the network execs passed on?? They're already in the can, and could be either great or unintentionally humorous.)

2. Feature High-Quality Online Hits. Notice the words "High Quality." I'm not talking YouTube sensations like that crying "Leave Britney alone" guy/girl and the infamous dancing baby. I'm talking about drawing from a pool of millions of shows that are only currenly available online. These include animated cartoons, comedy sketches, and fully-produced live action sitcoms. Check out programs like Jonah Ray's Freeloader's Guide To Easy Living. You're telling me a show like this couldn't fly on Fox? While many online shows have their dedicated followings, none enjoy the type of viewership that comes with having a program on network television. Nearly all would jump at the chance to take their show, and their production values, to the next level.

3. Go back to season one. Lost is a brilliant show, but if you haven't seen the first season, you probably don't know what the hell is going on. Same thing with Prison Break. And 24. While the first seasons of these shows were all huge hits, it's likely that millions missed them. Now's the chance to get those viewers caught up.

The first season of a series is usually the best, because everything has been planned out and fully conceived by the time the season starts. The writers and producers had a long time to imagine and construct a great plot, and most likely, had a signifigantly higher budget than they would have in the following years. By re-running these first seasons, networks can attract new viewers who will watch the shows when they come back on, and remind current followers of the show just what greatness these shows are capable of.

4. Go British!! Ok, so no one cares about the Golden Globes. That's pretty apparent from the bulk of the comments people made after this week's "ceremony." "Best Golden Globes ever!" some people shouted. But what happens when the Grammys get cancelled? And the Emmys? And (gasp) the Oscars??

Enter the BAFTAS.

That's right. The British Academy of Film and Television Awards. All the fun of the Oscars... plus british accents! Half the celebrities on tv and in movies now are British anyway. And Americans have been copying British sitcoms (like The Office) for a while now. So lets go back to the motherland and mine their shores for entertainment.

5. Hire me. I am not a member of the WGA. I will work for peanuts. And I am very talented. Hire me and a couple of non-union actors and actresses, and we'll put together a show that will be at least as funny as ABC's Cavemen.

With all these options available, the writer's strike doesn't need to be the end of television. But let's hope this thing gets settled soon, because there's only so much the American public can take of reruns.

And I need to know the story behind that damn four-toed statue.

Do We Really Want Answers?



Don't Stop-













Yes, The Sopranos series finale ended with a stunner. Journey blasting on the jukebox, a greasy onion ring disappearing into Tony's fat mouth, a jingle of bells and then... silence. Millions of people calling up their cable providers. Millions more wondering why Meadow can't paralell park her car. This was the big payoff? After six seasons of whackings, therapy sessions, and Carmela's whining, we get blackness? What the h-









Brilliance. That's what it is. The Sopranos couldn't have ended any other way.

What did you want to see? Tony's bleeding skull on the table, while his family watched in horror? The Russian from the Pine Barrens episode, now married to a very-much-alive Adriana, showing up with a cleaver to decapitate AJ? Paulie striding through the door, dressed in blue with a badge, reading Tony his rights? None of those endings or any others people have proposed, would have made sense, much less had the impact that Chase's final whacking did.

Yes. Chase's whacking. Not of Tony. But of the series. Like Tony, Sil, Paulie and all the others did so many times throughout the years, Chase pulled the trigger. And we're the better for it.

If you're the most optomistic, shiny happy person in the whole wide world, you think that Tony and his family are going to be ok, because you didn't see anything happen to them on screen. But Chase doesn't allow us to reach that conclusion. This is a family surrounded by the ever tightening noose of dread, exemplified by the creepy characters in that diner-- from the shady guy who ducks into the bathroom to the mischeivous cub scout at the table across the way. We know Tony is going to be indicted, ratted out by Carlo. We know Carmela will continue to live in denial. We know AJ will continue to be a shiftless loser (albiet, with a very hot girlfriend). We know that Meadow will be married and pregnant before long.

In the beginning of the series, we saw a man in a huge mansion, with a beautiful family and tons of power, who's biggest problem was panic attacks... which could have been attacks of conscience. The question posed was... will this man change his ways before he's lost everything?

In the season finale, we found out, definitively, the answer to that question. No. This is a man who is headed down the same road as Uncle Junior, destined to die alone in a prison hospital, without even his memories to keep him warm. The post-gunshot redemption-minded Tony soon gave way to the dark side, and Tony, in the season finale, is left to wonder whether those bells are the sound of his daughter coming to dinner, or his final reckoning.

What more do you need? Do you want to see a trial? Boring. You want a couple long superimposed sentences saying how each character ended up? Hint: Jail or Dead. You want a montage? What is this, The OC? You want to see an old, gray Tony, sitting pensively in a chair in Sicily, tipping over dead while his dog looks on? Consider yourself lucky Chase isn't a moron. The way the Sopranos finale was analyzed beforehand, no ending could have shocked us... except for the one that did.

Of course, if you can't be consoled, I've managed to convince David Chase to redo the final scene so it definitively shows what happens to all the characters. Enjoy:



See, that's what happens when you get "all the answers."

Now, the creators of the TV show "LOST" are vowing not to end the same way The Sopranos did. Which is good, because, frankly, Lost, at its heart, is a mystery show, and mysteries need to be solved. But I hope audience demand for more answers doesn't force the creators to spoon feed them to us. One of the best parts of Lost, I've always thought, is the mystery. Otherwise, it's just Gilligan's Island with a buffer, balder, older Gilligan (Locke).

Just look at how much Sopranos and Lost discussion is out there on the web. You just don't get that with NYPD Blue or Friends. The mystery, the doubt, the uncertainty is part of what keeps us so entertained, even if we won't admit it. Once we know it all, we really don't care anymore. So don't stop imagining who it was that Tony saw come through that ice cream parlor door. And most importantly, above all, don't stop-














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