How Baseball Can Strike Out The Recession

Four weeks into the 2008 Major League Baseball season, some of the sport's most legendary players are still standing on line at the unemployment office.

That line includes Barry Bonds, holder of baseball's all-time home run record. Sammy Sosa, a member of the 600-club. Kenny Lofton, a ten year veteran who is 15th overall on the career stolen bases list and holder of the record for most post-season steals. And most recently, Frank Thomas, one of the game's best hitters with more than 500 homeruns.

What is going on here?

One word, ladies and gentlemen. A decline in this country's real gross domestic product, or negative real economic growth, for two or more successive quarters of a year.

Actually, that's a lot of words. So let's just call it "Recession."

Like millions of Americans, Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky find themselves fighting each other for applications to the local Denny's franchise because America's economy is in a funk. Others might blame their unemployment on criminal investigations, old age and cranky demeanors, but I'm calling it like I see it. In an America drowning under the weight of debt and inflation, even our national pastime isn't immune.

Consider: The Yankees, long one of baseball's biggest "spendy" franchises, went the whole offseason adding only two players to their roster: Morgan Ensberg and LaTroy "Call Me Paul O'Neill" Hawkins, neither of whom cost an arm and a leg.

Consider: The Baltimore Orioles, who began the season first place in the AL East, in one of the country's best ballparks, can't fill their stadium.

Consider: A mere year ago, Jose Canseco's book exposing steroids in baseball, "Juiced" sold over 200,000 copies and hit the New York Times bestseller list for eight weeks. But this year, his book on exactly the same subject, containing no new revelations whatsoever, is languishing on the Barnes and Noble discount rack. Two books about the same exact thing, by the same exact author. But the one released during this particular financial quarter fails.

Coincidence? Or evidence of our country's desperate state of affairs?

Clearly, we need to turn this recession around. And fast. The baseball season only lasts until November, and if Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky don't have jobs by then, they'll be forced to give up one of their many luxury automobiles. Or worse... be forced to appear in ads for Viagra:


Yes, I Should Be An Ad Executive

Yet, not one of the Presidential candidates has mentioned the plight of these unemployed baseball heroes. If a guy who hits 762 homeruns can't get a job, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Fortunately, I have a solution. It worked for Barry in the past, and I believe it can work for our nation.

Steroids.

That's right. I said it. We need to juice this nation up with some tasty, preferably racehorse-strength hormones. A nationwide program to inject every man, woman and child with some super-charging serum.

Think about it. Why does the economy fail? Well, I'm not sure, I didn't pay attention in economics class. But I read somewhere it has to do with weak performance. A large company doesn't meet its quotas. A huge construction project doesn't get done on time. A shortage of consumer products creates inflation. Money spent doesn't bring back results. Weak, weak, weak.

With everyone on steroids though, imagine the possibilities. If Barry can hit 70 homeruns in his 40s, then Joe Schmo at the plant can churn out four times as many widgets on the assembly line. Bigger muscles for the masses mean increased spending on new clothes and high-calorie food. No one will care about the price of gas: we'll be able to push our cars to their destinations. Suddenly, with our superhuman workforce, we're producing more than enough products to both fill our needs and trade with the world market. Beat that, China.

And we can cut our spending in Iraq in half: One Super-Soldier can do twice the work a regular one can, meaning we can withdraw thousands of forces and keep winning (cough) the war.

Steroids kept Barry in baseball long past his expiration date. And it can get him back in again. Just as it can get us all back to the muscular heights we once enjoyed in those blissful, Soundgarden-filled days of the 1990's.

My slogan: "Stronger People, Stronger Economy."

Hillary, Obama, John: this plan may just make you a winner. I urge you to consider it.

And if it doesn't work, at least we'll all be ripped.

Another Great Excuse In Celebrity History

First O.J. Simpson's "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Then Robert Blake's, "I couldn't have shot her, because I went back inside to look for my gun." Now...

"In 2005, around the time of the congressional hearings into the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, I had a conversation with Roger Clemens in Kissimmee, Florida. I asked him what he would say if asked by reporters if he had ever used performance-enhancing drugs. When he asked what I meant, I reminded him that he had told me that he had used HGH.

"Roger responded by telling me that I must have misunderstood him. He claimed that it was his wife, Debbie, who used HGH. And I said, 'OK,' or words to that effect, not because I agreed with him, but because I wasn't going to argue with him."

--Andy Pettitte

The embarassing Roger Clemens downfall, here:



Bai Ling, not wanting Roger to be the only celebrity with a bad excuse yesterday, came up with "I only shoplifted because my boyfriend broke up with me."

Well, that explains it then!!

Rudolph The Steroid-Abusing Reindeer

Just in time for the holiday season, Major League Baseball is getting a gift it didn't want-- the results of George Mitchell's steroid invesigation.

Rumors put the number of players named as high as 80. At least one person has said the list of steroid-abusing players will include "Landscape-changing names... Names that will change the way we look at the sport."

Deadspin.com published an unofficial list of players named in the report. We won't know for sure who's on it until 2:01 PM today, when the report is released.

But some of the names stand out. Bary Bonds and Mark McGwire, we already knew. But Roger Clemens? Andy Pettite? Albert Pujols? Pudge? Mo Vaughn? These guys are legends of the game. Roger holds several pitching records. All five are future Hall-Of-Famers.

Aaron Boone is a disturbing name to see there as well. His walk-off homer against the Red Sox in the Division Series is one of Yankee baseball's proudest moments. But was Boone on the juice when it happened?

Suddenly we have to ask ourselves... was Matt Williams pursuit of the home run record in the strike-shortened season a result of some needles? Was Paul Byrd's brilliant shutdown of the Yankees this year due to some extra testosterone? Was John Rocker's famous temper inflamed by roid rage?

How many asterisks do we have to put on this game?

Adam's Life Presents: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (modern version)







UPDATE: The real list of players. Aaron Boone, you're off the hook. So are you, Albert Pujols and Pudge.

Lenny Dykstra, David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Brian Roberts, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Josias Manzanillo, Todd Hundley, Mark Carreon, Hal Morris, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Jason Grimsley, Gregg Zaun, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Ryan Franklin, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Mercker, Adam Piatt, Miguel Tejada, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Jerry Hairston, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett, Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, Nook Logan, Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., Scott Schoeneweis, David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.

*

Mets Fan Catches Record Homer

Barry Bonds did it. #756*. And for ten minutes, on his home field in San Francisco, he was celebrated as a hero. I admit, it was emotional to watch him pay tribute to his godfather, Willie Mays, his predecessor Hank Aaron, the fans, his family, and finally, with his surprisingly soft voice cracking and eyes brimming with tears, his late father.

Then of course, we all went back to talking about steroids.

Did steroids account for Barry Bonds' superhuman power surge, at a stage in his career when he should have been DHing for a last place American League club? All signs point to yes. But as CBS's Gregg Doyel points out, baseball's records were meant to be held by people such as Bonds. Pete Rose, a banned-from-baseball gambling addict, holds the seemingly untouchable record for career hits. Ty Cobb, a well-known racist and cripple-beater, holds the seemingly untouchable record for highest career batting average. These are characters beloved by their hometown fans, but held in less esteem by the rest of the baseball world.

They love Barry in San Francisco. And he was lucky to break the record there. There was nothing to ruin his hero moment. Hank Aaron, who many people speculated would snub Bonds, issued a taped statement of congratulations. Mike Bacsik, the pitcher who lobbed Bonds the record-breaking meatball, asked him for a signed bat. Outside the friendly confines of AT&T, baseball fans may have booed, but Bonds couldn't hear them.

But while the criticism of Bonds is more than justified, #756* may have been a great thing for baseball. In a year when we've witnessed Craig Biggio's 3000th hit, A-Rod's 500th homerun, Tom Glavine's 300th win, and Bobby Cox's 132nd ejection, casual baseball fans have never been more aware of baseball's cherished milestones. Bonds's record takes Aaron's untouchable 755 and suddenly makes it a number begging to be beaten. As Aaron himself implied in his recorded statement-- Bonds's feat isn't that he jacked 756 homeruns... it's that with one swing of the bat, he's inspired thousands of baseball players to come try to beat him.

"My hope today, as it was on that April evening in 1974, is that the achievement of this record will inspire others to chase their own dreams." -Hank Aaron

And try they will. The next homerun king, whether it's A-Rod, Albert Pujols, or a bionic Sammy Sosa-bot, is coming. And the baseball world will be looking forward to the day when the homerun record will once again be held by someone who upheld the purity of the game. And when that day comes, the celebration will be that much sweeter. And the cheers with ring throughout the country, not just on the shores of McCovey Cove.

So let's not bash Barry Bonds, let's thank him. Every hero's quest needs a villian to vanquish. Barry's made the pursuit of baseball's holy grail that much more holy. The homerun chase is no longer about beating a number, it's about beating a man. And that's more exciting in my book.

And the baseball that breaks that record will be worth soooo much more.

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P.S. It Wasn't The Steroids... It Was The Mechanical Arm

Time For Baseball To Clean Up

What's worse? Gambling? Or Steroids?

I'd say steroids. When Pete Rose admitted betting on baseball, a bunch of kids didn't suddenly be all like "Hey Guys, lets bet on baseball!!!"

But when Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Charlie the bat boy started hitting mammoth homeruns that were mistaken for missle launches by the Pentagon, you better believe there were kids out there who started thinking... hey... "I wish I could do that."

And how did Jose, Mark, Sammy, Barry, and Gus, the beer salesman start hitting so many homeruns? Well, they used magic juice-- Steroids.

Is there a better way to sell illegal drugs to kids than pumping their idols full of them and showing how great they become?

For this reason, Bud Selig should grow some cajones and baseball should immediately ban all these gorillas from the game for life.

Harsh? Tell that to Shoeless Joe Jackson, who still isn't allowed into the Hall of Fame despite having a .375 batting average and no errors in the series he supposedly threw.

All the players above blew up like balloons, hit for more power than anytime earlier in their careers, and, when under increased screening and scrutiny... immediately lost their baseball playing ability.

If nothing is done, what message does it send? It's ok to cheat? It's ok to take something harmful to your long term health (and gential size) just so you can jack a few homers?

Say it ain't so, Bud. Say it ain't so.