Homeland Security Struggles To Stop New Terrorist Threat



NEW YORK - Early reports suggest that a bird strike was responsible for a plane crash in New York's Hudson River yesterday, leaving government officials scrambling to explain how such a large breach of national security occurred on their watch.

Bird attacks have been increasing in recent years. More than 200 people have been killed worldwide as a result of bird attacks on aircraft since 1988, according to Bird Strike Committee USA, and more than 5,000 bird strikes were reported by the U.S. Air Force in 2007. Five jet airliners have had major accidents involving bird strikes since 1975, and in one case, about three dozen people died.

Even the nation's space program has been hit: During the July 2005 launch of the space shuttle Discovery on mission STS-114, a vulture soaring around the launch pad impacted the shuttle's external tank just after liftoff.

NASA put safety measures into place after the incident, lining the shuttle's fuel tanks with cat fur and placing scarecrows along the launch pad and landing strip.

Officials say the birds tend to attack when aircraft are close to the ground, which means just before landing or after take-off, when jet engines are turning at top speeds and a crash is most likely to cause maximum damage.

Osama Bin Chirps, a 12-pound Canadian goose, claimed responsibility for the most recent attack in a video delivered to reporters at Animal Planet, the terrorists' news outlet of choice.

"You steal our eggs and hunt us down. And you think bread crumbs will satisfy us..." Chirps said on the video, according to a translation done by Bigson "Big" Bird, the government's chief Avian language expert. "Our great migration has begun, except this time, it will be America that flies south for the winter."

Fortunately, the latest attack resulted in no deaths or serious injuries as of this writing. But Homeland Security spokesperson Harvey K. Fakefield told reporters that the government is taking the bird threat seriously.

"We've hardened our aircraft to defend against this new threat," Fakefield said. "Future aircraft will be painted to resemble large, flying cats, in order to make these birds think twice about what they're flying into."

Fakefield said the suicide bird remains from Thursday's attack will be sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to identify the species and link it to one of several well known Bin Chirps-affiliated terrorist cells, or "Flocks," operating in the U.S..

The President--for the moment, still George W. Bush--expressed his outrage at the "evil-bird-doers."

"Make no mistake, our resolve is strong. And we will prevail over this flying menace. It's like they say, a bird in the hand, well... it's a lot better than a bird not in your hand."

But Dave Notaman, professor of ornithology at Bodega Bay College in California, says birds are a very dangerous, sophisticated threat, practically impossible to stop.

"You can't just put these guys on a no-fly list," Notaman says. "They'd find some way around it."

According to the Journal of Biodiversity and Conservation, there are between 200 and 400 billion birds worldwide. "We have no choice but to negotiate with a population this large," Notaman says. "Perhaps President Obama can include a free birdseed program in his economy stimulus bill."

President-elect Barack Obama has yet to make his plan for dealing with the bird threat clear, but has indicated in the past that he will take a more diplomatic approach to ending world terror.

Fakefield says that Homeland Security is eager to begin working with the new President to solve the bird terrorist problem.

"This isn't a war we're going to win tomorrow," he said. "Our hope is... what the... aw hell... damn bird just pooped on me."

Bush To Go Under, Cheney To Stay In Charge



The White House announced today that President George W. Bush will undergo anestheisia during a routine colonoscopy, meaning that while Bush is unconcious, Dick Cheney will continue to be acting President.

"I'm thrilled to be able to continue the great job I've been doing as head puppeteer... I mean President," Cheney said, in a statement.

The so-called Bush Presidency, now in it's 7th year, has been troubled by the war in Iraq, the war on terror, and myriad domestic issues, but Cheney is confident he can turn things around during his short term in office.

"I've got a few tricks up my sleeve," Cheney said. "Hint, it rhymes with atom bomb."

"Actually, that wasn't a hint. I intend to drop one on Iraq," he added.

Critics of the Bush/Cheney Presidency remain skeptical that a Cheney/Cheney Presidency can turn things around.

"A colonoscopy takes no time at all. He'll be out of there in an hour," said Linda Goodenfake, president of Mad and Raging Parents Insulted By Bush, or MR. PIBB.

"That's what they said about Iraq," Cheney responded. "And we know how that went."

Virgin Shark Sign Of Impending Rapture



Veterinarians at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center may have accidentally killed the son of G-d.

Tidbit, a blacktip reef shark, lived in a tank of only female blacktip reef sharks. Even so, after Tidbit was accidentally killed by an overdose of sedatives, the vets found a baby shark in her uterus.

Vets doubt that Tidbit could have been impregnated by sharks of other species that were also in the tank. That only leaves one logical explanation-- a virgin birth.

"Hey, if Mary could give birth to Jesus without ever knowing a man, then certainly a shark can do the same thing," said James R. Fakebody, Professor of Religion and Marine Biology at University of Virginia. "The bible never says the second coming won't be in shark form."

The Veterinarians were devastated.

"If this baby shark was immaculately conceived, we better hope God is merciful," said Dr. Susan Believenot. "Otherwise, his vengence will be as swift as it was on the Romans. By which I mean, our empire will crumble nearly 500 years later."

Evangelicals around the world mourned "Jesushark," as the group has named him.

"Jesushark died because of science," said Rev. Rod I. Calchristian, head of the Christian group Hurry Up Already, which devotes its resources to hastening the rapture.

"If those scientists hadn't bothered the Virgin Tidbit, then Jesushark would be alive, and bring doom and death to the wicked. Of course, those liberal shark killers couldn't stand for that."

Inspired by Tidbit, Calchristian has developed a plan to make his group's vision come alive.

"We've purchased Tidbit's shark tank and we're going to put all our females in there together," Calchristian says. "Surely one of them will immaculately conceive."

Dr. Believenot thinks the group is wasting their time.

"I told them to take the sharks out first, but they wouldn't hear of it."

Calchristian says that doesn't matter. "We're all God's creatures," he says. His organization is researching Tidbit's family history to see if she is related to the biblical King David.

"I think it's a pretty good chance," he says.

Shuttle Caught Sodomizing 747



EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. - The Bush Administration and NASA were stunned today as photographs, leaked to several news organizations, revealed the space shuttle Discovery riding piggyback on top of a well-known homosexual Boeing 747 jumbo jet.

Discovery on Aug. 9 completed NASA’s first shuttle mission since its sister ship, Columbia, blew apart over Texas in February 2003, but had to land at Edwards Air Force Base in the Mojave Desert because of thunderstorms at Cape Canaveral.

NASA prefers to use its main landing site in Florida so it can keep an eye on the shuttle. The shuttle family has a history of scandal. Discovery's sister, Atlantis, was found on top of a jumbo jet in June 2002, and Endeavor served a year in a Dade County correctional facility for selling "space dust" to undercover officers.

The U.S. space agency said on Thursday that the next shuttle mission to the International Space Station is unlikely to occur until next March -- a six-month delay -- while the shuttle attends Refuge, a Christian camp run by Love In Action which strives to "minister to adolescents struggling with homosexuality."

Engineers, meanwhile, are trying to find out if insulating foam had anything to do with altering the shuttle's sexual orientation.

Discovery’s return to Florida was expected to take two days. But NASA officials grew suspicious when the plane accompanying the shuttle took two stops during the 2,200-mile cross-country trek -- one in Oklahoma and another in Louisiana.

“They checked into a Days Inn in Oklahoma City and a Motel Six in New Orleans,” said NASA spokesman Karl Herring. "There were reports of the two being seen together on Bourbon Street, drinking appletinis."

Gay-rights activists and liberal groups expressed anger at the government's decision to send Discovery to the controversial camp, and voiced their support for the 100-ton, flamingly gay shuttle.

"When someone this high-profile comes out of the closet, it provides a tremendous opportunity to teach tolerance and acceptance to others," said George Limprist, president of GLADD. "We should accept Discovery for who he is, not force him to become who others want him to be."

James Dobson, head of the conservative watchdog group Focus on the Family, issued a harsh rebuke to NASA and the shuttle.

"First Spongebob, now the shuttle. When will the gay disease stop invading America? It is time for god-fearing Americans everywhere to stand up and fight the liberal Jesus-bashers which blast these phallic follies into the Almighty's blue heaven."

Apollo 11, first manned spacecraft on the moon and Discovery's grandfather, spoke to reporters gathered outside his home yesterday, but refused to comment on his grandson's lifestyle choice.

"All I'll say is that I'm proud of the work Discovery has done in space," he said. Endeavor and Atlantis could not be reached for comment.

Despite the revealing photos, some officials are not yet convinced Discovery is indeed homosexual.

"We think losing his sister had something to do with it," said a NASA official, who spoke only on condition of anonimity due to the ongoing investigation. "It's just a confusing time for him. He's not really gay. He can't be. He watches sports."