Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Fiji Water Holds Fiji, Fijians Hostage

I'd Rather Have Poland Spring

The island nation of Fiji has a limited fresh water supply... and most of it is being sent abroad, where consumers buy bottles of it for $1.50 each. This puts the Fiji people in quite the Catch-22: They need the Fiji Water company to prop up their weak economy, but the Fiji Water company is hurting their country by dominating limited water resources. Mother Jones provides the interesting case study of what happens when a corporation defines a country.

Personally, I prefer water that comes from melted Antarctic icebergs. They ship the iceberg up here in a specially designed freezer, break off a chunk, and deliver it straight to my door, where a trained professional holds it over my head, melting it slowly using the hot breath of an emperor penguin until my thirst is sufficiently quenched. It costs $500 per ounce (plus a tip for the penguin's caretaker), but it's worth the extra cabbage to drink something that hasn't been in liquid form for millions of years. If it was good enough for the mastodons, its good enough for me.

I also use a Brita.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Booze Water

Bored with Poland Spring? Gatorade not quite quenching your thirst? Looking for a drink that's both refreshing and intoxicating? Well look no further my friends, because Smirnoff has just the thing:

New Smirnoff Source!

Smirnoff Source: Alcoholic Water.

Yes folks, finally you can have all the health benefits of pure spring water while getting crunked at the same time.

You can imagine how that corporate brainstorming meeting went:

Boss: We're looking for a new alcoholic product that will make us lots of money. Any ideas?

Doug: Smirnoff Ice Pops?

Patty: Pomegranate Twist Smirnoff?

Boss: Terrible. Just terrible. Anyone else?

Hitler: Americans love bottled water. Why don't we water-down some vodka, put it in a bottle, and sell it as alcoholic water?

Boss: Brilliant!!!

Doug: But won't selling alcohol as water send the wrong message? People shouldn't drink it like water.

Boss: You're fired. Smirnoff water! I love it!

Hitler: We'll call it "The Source," to make it sound youthful and hip.

Boss: Genius! Why can't the rest of you guys be like Hitler?
I can see the ads now:

Smirnoff Source: Doctors Recommend 8 Glasses A Day

Smirnoff Source: The Thirst Quencher

Maria Sharapova Says... Drink Smirnoff Source

Enjoy responsibly.

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