The Modern Family Teen Sex Controversy

Family teen sex? That title will get me some hits from Google.

Huffington Post writer Ann Brenoff is mad at the Writer's Guild of America, ABC, and presumably the majority of teenagers in this country because last week's episode of "Modern Family" mentioned that a 17-year-old high school senior was sexually active-- AND THEY DIDN'T USE IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TURN IT INTO A TV-MOVIE-OF-THE-WEEK TEACHING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF TEEN SEX!

The gist of it is, she wants "Modern Family," about life in the year 2012, to depict life in the 1950s.

By not making the loss of the teen girl's virginity (never depicted on screen, only alluded to) into THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, Ann says the writers are sending the message that "everybody is doing it." Because everybody is not, she says. She cites this data:

"30 percent -- of both male and female teens -- still haven't had intercourse by the time they turn 19."

Um. So, Ann, you're saying that 70 percent of teenagers have had sex by age 19??? ANN, WHY ARE YOU SENDING THE MESSAGE THAT EVERYBODY IS DOING IT!!!???

Somehow, in Ann's warped mind, the fact that, yeah, almost everybody is doing it, supports her argument. HOW DARE THE SHOW MENTION TEEN SEX WITHOUT GOING COMPLETELY CRAZY ABOUT IT!!!!

Perhaps Ann believes every TV show mentioning the fact that teens have sex should just copy the plot of "For Keeps?"

Great movie, by the way.

Ann actually cherry picks the 70% fact from a report that also mentions:

"On average, young people have sex for the first time at about age 17."

You mean... gasp... like the character on the show!?!?!

It goes on to say...

"The majority of sexually experienced teens (78% of females and 85% of males) used contraceptives the first time they had sex."

And...

"In 2006–2010, some 86% of female teens and 93% of male teens reported using contraceptives at last sex. These proportions represent a marked improvement since 1995."

And yet...

"Some 90% of publicly funded family planning clinics counseled clients younger than 18 about abstinence."

and oh...

"Only 5% of American high schools made condoms available to students."

Let's put it all together now, people:

Most American teens are having sex at age 17. Most are using condoms and birth control. The vast majority do not get pregnant and do not get STDs. The ones that do probably do because our society discourages the use of contraceptives.

Imagine if our country had a traffic safety committee getting mad about all the car crashes while at the same time yelling that there's no need to provide busy intersections with traffic light. ITS BEST TO JUST AVOID THAT INTERSECTION, KIDS!!! UNTIL YOU'RE OLDER!

Now, this "very special episode" of Modern Family doesn't mention whether the 17 year old is practicing safe sex. But the big moment in the episode is when the dad says to his daughter that he trusts her to make the right decisions. This approach-- creating a safe, non-judgmental relationship with one's teenager-- is a far better tactic than the reprimand-and-push-them-further-and-further-away-causing-them-to-star-in-the-next-season-of-Teen-Mom approach.

Perhaps if people like Ann didn't treat teen sex like an automatic disaster and blight on society, more parents would feel comfortable talking to their kids about safe sex. Maybe people would stop ignoring the power of hormones and start giving teens the tools they need to avoid tragic outcomes.

And maybe we should stop flipping out every time a TV show shows us something real, rather than insisting every plot be a morality play.

NYMag's Vulture blog might have the best take on this:

Phil is ready to have a “cool dad” moment with Haley — he looks at the camera and says everything he wants to say to us, the audience: that he realizes that sex is a natural part of life, and that he hopes that she’s being safe and that she feels free to talk to him about it. He manages to say none of this to Haley, and yet it’s enough, when she asks him whether he’d prefer a counter or a booth at the mall food court, he says, “Whatever seems right to you, I trust you.” Hug. No need for a heavy-duty Danny Tanner–style speech here, or a PSA. He’s said everything we wanted to hear to us, and he doesn’t need to say it again to Haley because she already knows. Haley, back on the couch at home, looks at the camera with a tear-stained face — not even a hint of sarcasm — and says, “I have a cool dad.” Such restraint, even more so than a grand emotional outpouring, is what makes this episode special.

Hmm. Maybe it is a "Very special episode" after all.

Palin On The Dirt



By Robbie Republican

Good afternoon, my fellow patriots. Hope you had a fine Labor Day weekend, although, as I've stated before, it's a Communist holiday designed to disrupt American industry. But I digress. If you're a Republican like me, you already know about the shameful exploitation of innocent megacorporations by evil labor unions. I'm here to talk about a different subject, one of my favorites: Family. Specifically, how John McCain's VP choice, Sarah Palin, is the greatest mother in the world, and how she should, in November, become mother to all Americans.

I admit, at first I was stunned by McCain's pick. A woman? In the second-highest office in the land? I accepted it grudgingly, only because I knew it would really piss off Hillary Clinton.

But now I see. The Demoncrats-- no, that's not a typo-- are all up in arms about Sarah's seventeen year old daughter, who has apparently become pregnant out of wedlock. Those backward-thinking, stodgy old liberals seem to believe that teenage pregnancy is a bad thing. They think that Bristol getting pregnant means that Sarah was a bad parent. I have to say, I'm surprised at their attack. This is, after all, the political party that believes two men should be allowed to raise a kid (which Steve Guttenberg, in his documentary "Three Men and A Baby," proved was impossible).

Some people might think that when your teenage daughter is about to have a baby out of wedlock, it's selfish to run for Vice President and expose your family to media scrutiny. But I take a different view. Sarah wants people to see her daughter-- as a shining example. Sarah clearly believes, like I do, that women should give up their dreams, become full with child and become homemakers. You think the Chinese have a billion people because they encouraged their women to wait until after college to have babies? I don't think so.

If only more of our kids got pregnant at a young age. The younger the better. Because how else will we keep up with the Chinese? Or those Africans for that matter. Up with the birthrate, up with American power, I say.

Sarah could have declined the nomination and kept Bristol's life private... but she chose to share it with the world. You've got to admire a parent who would use their kid to further the pro-life agenda. Demo-rats (not a typo) say Sarah neglected her motherly duties. I say... good. Don't we want someone more devoted to her country than to her own children? I don't want a VP watching her kid's basketball game while Russia's fueling their warheads.

Some people seem to think McCain didn't know about this. But what they don't realize is that Bristol's pregnancy was all part of a carefully orchestrated plan crafted by the McCain campaign. What better way to show the social conservatives that you share their values? Values that state sex before marriage is sinful, sure. But if it does happen, as long as a baby is born, its all good. It's in the Bible, people, look it up.

Sure, when the movie Juno came out, I called it, "a sick celebration of teenage sexuality and teenage pregnancy. Yet another instance where Hollywood promotes hedonistic lifestyles that glorify immorality and sex." I, like Sarah, said that an abstinence-based education was the best way to keep our kids from having sex. And that if teens were getting pregnant, it was because of subliminal messages in Sheryl Crow songs.

But this is totally different. Teen pregnancy is a positive, beautiful thing, that in no way reflects on the parents. And if you can't see that, then you must be a Democrat. It's not worth explaining it to you.

It's a known fact that kids are involved in less crime and drugs when they're involved in an extracurricular activity. And what's more extracurricular than taking care of a child with a meathead who's written on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids? Something tells me Bristol won't have time to hit up the keggers at University of Juneau.


When Mom's Away At The Gun Range...

Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama predictably exploited the situation, saying "Let me be as clear as possible. I think people's families are off-limits, and people's children are especially off-limits." Typical Osama-speak. I wasn't there to hear the rest of his statement, but I'm pretty sure he said something about needing the blood of Bristol's child to perform satanic rituals. Clearly, Hussein believes that families should be dragged through the mud and tortured by the press. I'm not surprised. What else can we expect from a guy who's from Hawaii? That's not even a real state.

Thank God for Sarah Palin of Alaska. A woman who's not afraid to put her ambitions above her family. A woman who bravely trots out her child with Down Syndrome to prove what a saint she is, and but righteously gets upset when the media starts noticing her other children. A woman who has the experience, knowledge, and most importantly, glasses to help lead this country into the future. A future, which, as a Republican, I hope will closely resemble 1952.

As always my faithful, stay safe, stay strong, stay straight.

Newsworthy??

Two "pretty" girls get forcibly removed from plane.

This commenter may have summed up my reaction best.

Apparently CNN's new motto is:

CNN: Giving Self-Righteous Teenage Girls Airtime Since 2008.

UPDATE: MSNBC doesn't buy the girls' story either.

No Fun In Belmar



College kids, you may want to party elsewhere. The fun police are on patrol in Belmar, New Jersey, and to make sure you're not throwing a party, they're checkin your blog.

A blogger calling himself Belmar Benny sat at his computer recently and predicted what the summer of 2007 would be like at the rental home he shares with his buddies.

"Partying 'till daylight, banging pots and pans together, tossing the kitchen table on the roof, hanging the furniture upside down from the ceiling, waking up the neighborhood with a contraption called The Horn On A Board, smashing glassware over each other's heads," he wrote.

But Belmar officials were reading his blog, promising to counter "Horn On A Board" with "Cop On Your Porch."

Monitoring blogs is the newest tactic in Belmar's effort to keep its rowdy group rentals under control in one of the Jersey shore's last party towns.

The borough's efforts are led by a mayor who patrols the street looking for trouble and backed by fines that can reach into the thousands of dollars. Police officers hand-deliver lists of do's and don't to renters, and a Web site plots troublesome rentals on a map.

Belmar Benny's blog is here. He seems like he's having a good time nonetheless.

Why We Need Better Sex Ed


Kids Today...

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a dumb question, but I really need to know the answer. Can you get pregnant when your breasts are still underdeveloped?

My boyfriend says you can't, but I need to know for sure. I'm afraid to keep birth control in my room because my little sister, who I have to share a room with, constantly snoops through my stuff when I'm not there. She would be sure to show it to our parents if she found it because she loves to get me in trouble, so I really need to know the answer to this. -- QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

Yes, I read "Dear Abby" everyday. But that's besides the point. Abby answers "Questioning's" question a bit too forgivingly I think...

DEAR QUESTIONING: There is no such thing as a "dumb" question.

Your boyfriend is mistaken. Breast development has nothing to do with whether a girl can become pregnant. The onset of a young woman's menstrual cycle has everything to do with it. Under no circumstances should you have unprotected sex. Not only will it place you at risk for pregnancy, but also for sexually transmitted infections.

I just would have wrote... listen dummy, your boyfriend is a liar who just wants to get his rocks off. Send him packing before he sends you to the maternity ward. You don't want no baby mama drama!!

Ah, I should have an advice column.

Also... why's this girl WRITING DEAR ABBY about this? There's not one person she knows who can answer this question (in a more timely fashion, perhaps)?

And a couple days ago I read the most shocking Dear Abby column:

DEAR ABBY: Please help me to warn your readers about an alarming trend happening in the teenage community: prom babies. I first heard about it while driving my teenage daughter to a lacrosse meet with several of her girlfriends. One girl in the car, "Carrie," said she hoped this year she could have a prom baby. The girls were discussing two former classmates from last year's lacrosse team who had been unable to begin college because they had both become mothers at 17.

Both had deliberately planned to get pregnant on prom night -- hence the term, "prom baby." Abby, both of the girls were studious and hard-working with bright futures ahead of them. One had been accepted to several Ivy League schools. Needless to say, their parents were devastated, and many adjustments had to be made for the new babies.

My daughter later told me that several of her other friends were considering trying to get pregnant near prom time so they, too, wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of going to college. Apparently, parents are less strict about their children's whereabouts on prom night and let their teens spend the night in a hotel or at mixed-gender sleepovers.

I thought this sad trend might be local to our area, but during a class reunion in California I learned the trend may be nationwide. One of my oldest friends, "Dana," confided during the reunion that she had become a grandmother at 43 due to her daughter having a prom baby.

As prom night approaches, please warn parents to talk with their children about the responsibilities of premarital sex and the dangers of a prom baby. -- WORRIED DAD IN ALPHARETTA, GA.

I mean... sure having a prom baby sounds cool. But when you stop and think about it, wouldn't you rather be partying at college than changing diapers? I'll take beer pong over poopy huggies any day.

Maybe I'm just old and out of touch. Maybe you're just not cool anymore unless you've got a newborn to match with your pink rhinestone-studded T-moblie sidekick. A girl's got to accessorize, after all.

Remember when girls used to not slut it up all the time? Why'd I have to be born back then??

Welcome to Paris Hilton's America.

Teens These Days



When I was a teenager, back in the stone age of 1996-2001, I never did anything wrong. Ok, maybe that's not true. But I certainly never robbed a bank, taught toddlers how to smoke weed, or made an ostrich impotent.

I guess I just grew up in a simpler time. Those pre-9/11 days of innocence. Forcing 2-year-olds to get high never crossed my mind. Now it seems that the Britneyspearization of society has turned teenagers into a jumbled hormone mush of mindless thrill seekers. How many ostriches have to suffer before we bring our teens under control with some sort of implanted microchip?

Then again, maybe these crazy teenagers are simply following the cultural tradition of adolescent rebellion in a new way. Teens in the 60s smoked weed and went to big music festivals. Teens in the 70s wore tight pants and danced provocatively. Teens in the 80s stuck their fingers into electrical sockets to attain outrageously huge hairdos. Teens in the 90s said "whatever" alot.

Perhaps bankrobbing, toddler-drugging and ostrich-spooking are merely this generation's way of making themselves heard. Remember, there was once this crazy teen named Jesus who did a lot of weird things, and we know how that turned out.

I'm talking of course, about Jesus Sanchez, inventor of the four-cheese grilled cheese sandwich. Mmm.

(And if you think that joke was bad, you clearly are not familiar with the humor found on this blog.)

Anyways, I guess it's important to remember that the news media doesn't accurately represent teens everywhere. There are a couple of bad seeds, obviously, but I'm sure the vast majority are not responsible for ostriches not being able to get their freak on.

I will however, continue to despise and envy them for their yet-to-be-stolen youth.

I want to be 16 again!!!!

Bank-Robbing Teens!!!



Stealing a page from the movie, "Sugar and Spice," two Altlanta teen girls decided to rob a bank.

How long until they give themselves away by boasting about it on MySpace?

The girls were apparently laughing and smiling throughout, their faces masked by only oversized Prada-style sunglasses.

"It's all fun and games to them," said officer Wayne Delk, Cobb County police spokesman.

What's with teens these days? Back in my day, we wore masks when we robbed a bank!

I guess I'm just not hip anymore.

[UPDATE!] They got busted. Two nineteen year olds. Turns out, the police believe the bank teller was in on it.