A Little Bit Of Waterboarding Never Hurt Anyone

According to Bush Administration documents, two high ranking Al-Qaeda prisonsers held in Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded a combined 226 times.

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing the victim on his or her back with the head inclined downwards, and then pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages. By forced suffocation and inhalation of water the subject experiences drowning and is caused to believe they are about to die. It is considered a form of torture by legal experts, politicians, war veterans, intelligence officials, military judges, and human rights organizations. As early as the Spanish Inquisition it was used for interrogation purposes, to punish and intimidate, and to force confessions. --Wikipedia

INT DAY- The Oval Office. George W. Bush is at his desk, playing checkers against an imaginary opponent. He is losing.

Bush: Gosh Darn it!

(a knock on the door)

Bush: Yes, come in.

(CIA official enters)

CIA: Hello Mr. President. I'm back from Guantanemo Bay.

Bush: Excellent. How are Khalid and Abu Zuba.. Zub.. ah I can never get it right.

CIA: Well, we waterboarded them again, as you instructed.

Bush: Great! Great. Any juicy intel?

CIA: Well... Khalid said he once stole a grape at the supermarket. And Abu Zubaydah says when he was five years old, he told his teacher at the madrassa that his favorite color was blue, but it was actually pink. He was afraid the other kids would laugh.

Bush: Haha. Pink. That's it?

CIA: Well... to be honest sir, we're beginning to doubt what more they can tell us. I mean, after the first waterboarding, they told us where Al-Queda's training facilities were in Afghanistan. After the second waterboarding, we got some names of their accomplices. After the third water boarding, they told us about some of Al-Queda's future plans. But... well... after the 60th waterboarding, they kind of ran out of things to say.

Bush: Ran out?

CIA: Well, Khalid told us his Mom's secret recipe for Babaganoush, and Abu Zubaydah revealed that he used the cheat code "Porntipsgizzardo" to earn money in the computer game "Sim City." But after that, we've received very little information.

Bush: Well, what did I tell you the last time? You're just not waterboarding enough. They've got to know where Bin Laden is hiding.

CIA: Mr. President, they've been in our custody for several years. Our intelligence indicates Bin Laden has been moved several times since.

Bush: They've got to know something. How many times have we waterboarded them?

CIA: 224 times combined, sir.

Bush: What did they say the 221st time?

CIA: Khalid stated that he didn't understand the movie "Donnie Darko."

Bush: Never understood it myself. What did Apu say the 222nd time?

CIA: I have the transcript right here. (takes out paper) Ah, here it is. "Please, please, just let me die. I've told you everything. I've even told you the secrets of my relatives and friends. I no longer wish death to America, only death for myself. Please, please stop and just kill me. Please end the pain."

Bush: He's hiding something. Waterboard him again. Khalid too. And ask him about Memento... did the guy really kill his wife with insulin, or was that really Sammy Jenkis?

CIA: (sighs) I'll do my best sir. (exits)

(Bush goes back to his checkerboard, makes a move)

Bush: Darn! You win again!

END SCENE

Don't Mess With Grandpa



Mugger Killed By Elderly Man On Carnival Cruise Vacation

The American, who is about 70 years old and retired from the military, put the 20-year-old in a head lock and broke his clavicle after the suspect and two other men armed with a knife and gun held up their tour bus, said Luis Hernandez, the police chief of Limon, 80 miles east of San Jose. The suspect, Warner Segura, was later declared dead, apparently from asphyxiation.

The two other men fled when the 12 senior citizens started defending themselves during the Wednesday attack. Afterward, the tourists drove Segura to the Red Cross where he was declared dead.

I'm not surprised by this. If you've ever seen an old man complain about the service on a Carnival Cruise line, you know that the elderly will stop at nothing to make sure their cruise goes off without a hitch.

The muggers should just feel lucky they didn't attack before the lunch buffet. Two more of them would have been dead.

Found that article on ABC News. Also found this:

Tonight on 20/20, "Worry In America." Features this interesting tidbit:

To help [Sarah] Fortino overcome her fear, [Dr. Robert Leahy, the author of "The Worry Cure"] used a therapy he calls "verbal exposure." Because when Fortino is flying, her biggest fear is crashing, he tells her to repeatedly say, "The plane is going to crash."

"If you repeat the thought over and over and over — hundreds and hundreds of times — you'll find that the thought becomes less frightening," he said. Leahy also asked Fortino to escalate the ugly thoughts and actually say, "I want the plane to crash."

Um, who wants to sit next to this woman on the plane? Sounds to me that the good doctor's advice might send poor Sarah to a detention facility in Guantanemo Bay.