PETA Kills Pets????

This was very disturbing: PETA kills 95% of its pets.

Of course, I don't really take a figure like that at face value. And neither should you. Any intelligent person would immediately wonder... what's the source??

Well, five minutes of digging revealed that the information comes from the Center for Consumer Freedom:

The CCF has drawn harsh criticism for having taken its startup funding from the Philip Morris tobacco company and for lobbying on behalf of the fast food, meat, and tobacco industries while representing consumers.

Some groups the CCF has targeted have questioned its ethics and legitimacy. The president of the American Federation of Teachers referred to the CCF's leader as "a shameless lobbyist who has shilled for pesticide, alcohol and tobacco companies." A USA Today journalist said that they should change the name of their website to FatForProfit.com. It has also been criticized for its efforts to portray groups such as the Humane Society of the United States as "violent" and "extreme," and for its opposition to banning the use of trans fats. The group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has also campaigned against the CCF's validity as a non-profit tax exempt charitable organization, filing an IRS complaint in 2004 attacking the CCF's claims that its advocacy campaigns were "educational" in nature.

That's from Wikipedia. Yeah, I know. But this was five minutes of digging. And the Wikipedia entry rings of truth, while the PETA claim continues to sound ridiculous.

The CCF claims to have received their information from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services. They post documents they claim are from 2007, revealing the deaths.

However, when I checked the records from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services (you can do it too, just visit their website-- no "freedom of information act request" needed), it tells a different story.

The CCF claims PETA received 1997 pets, and killed 1815 of them. However, according to the VDACS, PETA actually received 8362 animals... and euthanized 1815 of them. That's a pretty big discrepancy.

I wonder why that is...

Hmm...

Maybe it's because an organization that's sole mission is to discredit "liberal" organizations is lying? Nah, can't be.

Look, some PETA people are certifiable. But then make that argument. Say that they value animals over humans. Okay. But don't make up lies that they sport-kill Fidos. That's just not gonna help your cause.

Something's Fishy About PETA

PETA believes fish are our friends (they also believe that humans should eat only artificially derived vitamins and water, and anyone eating any kind of meat is as bad as the Unabomber). So, to get people to stop eating fish, PETA is trying to rename our finned pals to something people wouldn't find appetizing. While I maintain that "Poopy Stinkfins" would do the trick, Peta came up with, admittedly, a cuter moniker:

"Sea Kittens."

Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

Above is the "Sea Kitten" I made on Peta's site. His name is Martin Mahi, and he likes to go to bar mitzvahs, where he shows off his rad dance moves and astonishing limbo skills. He also likes long swims at the beach, moonlight plankton dinners, and watching Sex and the City re-runs.

Apocalypse Cow


"The Horror... the horror..."

I just realized that my last post was number 666, so in an effort to make this blog less devil-friendly, I decided to post something new.

I've always thought vegetarians are pretty nuts. You may love animals, but guess what. Animals eat meat too. I was just in Central Park this morning and saw a hawk eat a pigeon. Ah, the circle of life.

None of the arguments really swayed me. Even those PETA ads showing the slaughterhouses and stuff. That stuff isn't pleasant, but even lettuce is grown in fields fertilized by poop. E-Coli anyone? Besides, if animals weren't meant to be eaten, they wouldn't taste so good. They'd taste like... tofu.

Then I read this New York Times piece. To me, this is a much better argument against meat-eating than any other one out there. Every tasty burger doesn't only cost a cow's life, but it may be costing us our planet's future. Raising and slaughtering the amount of cattle necessary to fulfill our country's collective cravings for nightly meals at Outback Steakhouse causes catastrophic damage to the ecosystem: far beyond the damage caused by cars, power plants and C. Montgomery Burns's Lil' Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry.

The gist of the piece: If we keep eating meat at this rate, in a few decades our rainforests will be gone, our rivers will flow with cow excrement, and the shit will pile up so fast you'll need wings to stay above it.


"Smells funky in here..."

Now, I don't know if I'll be able to stop eating beef completely. Superbowl is coming up, and something needs to go inside those mini-hotdog buns. But if the rest of you do your part and stay away from the Sizzler, we just may be able to delay the inevitable doom of our planet.

Bionic-Eyed Rabbits Revolt Against Scientists



Researchers at the University of Washington, who tested their new electronic contact lenses on bunny rabbits, were shocked this morning when they entered the lab to discover the rabbits out of their cages, and shooting plasma rays out of their eye sockets.

"We don't know what went wrong," said one of the scientists, seconds before being vaporized by a bunny named Hoppy. "In retrospect, perhaps the bunnies didn't appreciate all the tests we ran on them."

The bunnies demanded carrots, 10 tons of carrots to be precise, before they'd agree to let the surviving scientist hostages go.

Campus security chief Edmund C. Notreal scrambled to meet the adorable bunnies' demands.

"It was difficult, but we managed to locate a baby carrot supplier in Northern California that was able to quickly ship that large quantity," Notreal said. "Unfortunately for us, the bunnies demanded whole carrots, not baby ones."

Three more scientists were melted in retaliation.

The bunnies' leader, Snowy, issued a statement through PETA's website:

"We will not back down until our demands are met. We're sick of trying on cosmetics and new hair dyes. Now that we've been given the power to fight back, we will not be test subjects anymore."

University of Washington spokesperson Gerald P. Figment denied any wrongdoing on the part of the university's research team. "We take great care of those bunnies," Figment said. "Their cages are twice the size of the cages at University of Oregon."

At press time, the fate of the bunnies, and their scientist hostages, was undetermined, but Notreal was optimistic.

"The bunnies have already released one scientist, although he was very skinny, covered in rabbit fur, and hopped along awkwardly... almost as if it weren't a human being at all, but just a bunch of bunnies standing on each other's shoulders, disguised in a lab coat," Notreal said. "We haven't heard any demands coming from the building in a while, but we're hopeful we'll re-establish contact soon."