It's Been A While



Sorry, I've had a really busy week. Sometimes, my paying gig is just more important than this fly-by-night operation I call a blog. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you, loyal reader. You're like the mistress I go to after the wife's been riding me all week (and I don't mean "riding" in a good way). Here, on this blog, I can do what I want, and you treat me right. I just hope work doesn't find out about us.

Now that I've taken that metaphor as far as it should possibly go, back to the matters at hand. Hopefully by now the Lost finale has sunk in and you've read my analysis about a zillion times, because you kept checking back here and didn't find anything new. Well, Lost won't be back until 2008, so we'll have to talk about other things.

Like that Democratic debate.

While some members of Congress spoke out “loudly and clearly” last month against legislation to pay for the war through September but without a withdrawal timetable, “others did not,” Edwards said.

“They went quietly to the floor of the Senate, cast the right vote. But there is a difference between leadership and legislating,” Edwards told his rivals during the second Democratic debate.

“I think it’s obvious who I’m talking about,” Edwards said.

Ooh! Bitchslap!

Is it just me, or do you get the feeling Hillary isn't going to invite Edwards over to dinner anytime soon?

One of the more interesting questions was "What would you do with Bill Clinton if you were President?"

Interesting question, Wolf. Because, obviously, Bill Clinton is just an object to be used as the President sees fit. Thanks for pointing that out.

Anyways, unfortunately, Hillary did not go the Sarah Silverman route and say something like "Make him my intern." Instead she said she'd send her husband around the world as a "roving ambassador." That's one way to get rid of him.

In the end, each candidate was asked what they'd do in their first hundred days in office. Surprisingly, no one gave George W's answer, "Chill on the ranch wit my homies while tragically ignoring those Presidential Daily Briefs."

"What I intend to do is to be a president who helps to reshape the world for peace -- to work with all the leaders of the world in getting rid of all nuclear weapons, rejecting policies that create war as an instrument of diplomacy, making sure that we cause the nations of the world to come together for fair trade, cancel NAFTA, cancel the WTO, go back to bilateral trade conditioned on workers' rights and human rights, create a not-for-profit health care system and send the bill to Congress," said Dennis "Mr. Realistic" Kucinich.

"Plus," Kucinich added, "Create a copy of Earth next to this one, in case something happens to the original. Also, I'd like to be able to fly like that guy in Heroes."

Personally, I like Obama a lot better now. Mainly because of things like this:

WOLF: Could it be that the Bush administration's effort to thwart terror at home has been a success?

SEN. OBAMA: No.

My sentiments exactly.

As an example, Obama cited the Atlanta lawyer with drug-resistant TB, who snuck into the country from Canada. I mean, if Dustin Hoffman could corral the monkey from Outbreak, we should have been able to stop this dude.


Hoffman for President??

In other news, Paris Hilton showed up to jail two days early. Probably because this happened the night before:



Ouch.

[PLUS]: Howard Kurtz discovers Facebook.

(Which, by the way, has become wayyy too complicated as of late)

Paris In Jail


Let The Male Fantasies Begin...

LOS ANGELES - In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton has described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted.

She also fired her spokesman, veteran publicist Elliot Mintz, whom she blamed for getting her into the mess.

I can just imagine Paris's thoughts...

"It's not my fault I drove drunk numerous times and never showed up at my court-mandated alcohol-awareness classes! I was too busy making new sex tapes and saying "That's Hot" a lot."

"It was all that damn Jew's fault. He should have stopped me from driving without a license. How was I supposed to know that by signing a document acknowledging that my license was suspended, that I wasn't allowed to drive? I'm not a rocket scientist."

"It's so unfair!! They're just doing this to me because I'm a celebrity. Sure, most people who do this sort of thing spend 90 days in jail instead of 45, but I'm not most people! I'm hot. You can't do this to hot people!"

"I guess this is a country where a celebrity can't drive drunk without her headlights on. Geesh. Like, lighten up. It's not like I killed anybody. Except for that one guy... But he was ugly so he didn't matter. Anyways, this isn't the America I want to live in. Whatever happened to home of the free? Land of the brave? All that crap???"

[UPDATE] Paris rehired the publicist the ridiculously blamed for her own actions. She has also started an online petition begging Governor Terminator to set her free.

"f the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."

Well, at least she's not comparing herself to Jesus... yet.