Feds Reverse Approval Of Alcoholic Cocaine

Last week, Palcohol, a powdered form of everybody's favorite legal way to get crunked up and destroy lives, was approved by the FDA. Until somebody found the company's website and noticed that it contained a page enumerating every conceivable way this could go horribly wrong:

What's worse than going to a concert, sporting event, etc. and having to pay $10, $15, $20 for a mixed drink... Take Palcohol into the venue and enjoy a mixed drink for a fraction of the cost.

We have found adding Palcohol to food is so much fun. Sprinkle Palcohol on almost any dish and give it an extra kick. Some of our favorites are the Kamikaze in guacamole, Rum on a BBQ sandwich, Cosmo on a salad and Vodka on eggs in the morning to start your day off right. Experiment. Palcohol is great on so many foods. Remember, you have to add Palcohol AFTER a dish is cooked as the alcohol will burn off if you cook with it...and that defeats the whole purpose.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room….snorting Palcohol. Yes, you can snort it. And you'll get drunk almost instantly because the alcohol will be absorbed so quickly in your nose. Good idea? No. It will mess you up. Use Palcohol responsibly.

Kinda makes Four Loko sound like Aquafina, doesn't it?

Now the FDA has reversed their decision. Don't be too hard on them. They were drunk off some really strong guacamole at the time.

UPDATE 3/12/15: And it's back. FDA now satisfied that powdered alcohol won't bring the ruin of mankind.

Booze Water

Bored with Poland Spring? Gatorade not quite quenching your thirst? Looking for a drink that's both refreshing and intoxicating? Well look no further my friends, because Smirnoff has just the thing:



Smirnoff Source: Alcoholic Water.

Yes folks, finally you can have all the health benefits of pure spring water while getting crunked at the same time.

You can imagine how that corporate brainstorming meeting went:

Boss: We're looking for a new alcoholic product that will make us lots of money. Any ideas?

Doug: Smirnoff Ice Pops?

Patty: Pomegranate Twist Smirnoff?

Boss: Terrible. Just terrible. Anyone else?

Hitler: Americans love bottled water. Why don't we water-down some vodka, put it in a bottle, and sell it as alcoholic water?

Boss: Brilliant!!!

Doug: But won't selling alcohol as water send the wrong message? People shouldn't drink it like water.

Boss: You're fired. Smirnoff water! I love it!

Hitler: We'll call it "The Source," to make it sound youthful and hip.

Boss: Genius! Why can't the rest of you guys be like Hitler?

I can see the ads now:







Enjoy responsibly.