Want An Olympic Gold Medal?

Why bother spending years of athletic training when you can spend a mere 19k?

Ford Konno's medal on Etsy

Eat Like An Olympian, A Retrospective

Seriously McDonalds? "So tonight, we eat like Olympians.?!?!?WT*??" Yeah, Johnny Spillane's just scarfing those chicken McNuggets down.

Side note, I once wrote about McNuggets for my local paper when I was in Lillehammer, Norway with my dad for the 1994 Winter Olympics.

Not just McNuggets of course. But also about the men's aerials, hockey, Dan Jansen's gold medal and world record in the 1,000 meters. That was one of the most incredible moments of my life. The whole trip was full of those moments. My dad and I met Kristi Yamaguchi (I'd show you the picture, but I dropped my Disney World Mickey Mouse Camera, and the photos were wrecked), bobsledder Brian Shimer, along with several of the CBS sportscasters. It was cold, and we ate little more than granola bars everyday, because all the restaurants were booked, and the only food at the venues was a pretzel type thing with a lingonberry jelly . We went skiing, and I dropped my gloves off the ski lift. it was freezing. The coldest I'd felt in my life. My dad calmly put his gloves on my frozen hands and marched down the mountain in ski boots, retrieving my gloves from a rocky ravine.

Then I accidentally skied off towards a double diamond slope. My dad yelled at me to fall down to stop myself. We finally found a slope we could deal with, until it leveled out and we realized that we'd actually left the slope a ways back and had been skiing on a road. It was white. Everything was white. Norway was like the inside of a sugar bowl.

One night I got sick. My dad carried me inside the hotel, helped me into bed. Went down to the front desk and asked where the drug store was. That has a different meaning in Norwegian. After convincing the woman at the front desk he wasn't searching for the narkotika, she directed him to the nearest pharmacy, where he bought medicine for me. My dad was really the American hero of that Olympics. He deserves a gold medal.

As for the McDonalds, ""Eat Like An Olympian"" stuff? Well, gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps does consume 12,000 calories a day. So i guess McDonalds isn't lying, they're just being misleading.

I have to say, I'm enjoying this Olympics. I mean, who knew Nordic Combined could be interesting? Although the longer cross-country races are like watching raindrops slowly trickle down a windowpane. But how about those Chinese pairs skaters? Amazing.

Of course there's been tragedy. And venue mishaps. But I love the Winter Games.

Even so, totally watching Lost tomorrow.

NEW FEATURE: Today's Winter Olympics Did You Know?:

"Polar bears eat seals almost exclusively."

Thanks Mary Carillo.

The World's Biggest Freak Show: The Olympics


Next Up For Phelps.. The Circus?

Come on and step right up, boys and girls! Take a look at such unfathomable oddities the likes of which you have never seen! A boyman with double jointed arms and feet as big as dinner plates; a Jamaican giant whose legs can cover more distance faster than any normal man! Sixteen year old girls who haven't aged a day over twelve! Ladies and gents-- do not be afraid. These gentle creatures want nothing more than your applause. They seek only golden trinkets for their endeavors. So buy a ticket and take a gander. The Freak show is in town for two weeks only...

I am of course, talking about Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, and those age-defying Chinese gymnasts. All headliners in this year's Beijing Olympics-- all individuals bearing physical gifts that in another era would have put them in the freak tent at the county fair.

Phelps and Bolt broke world records that no one else at these games could have possibly beaten, even if someone put in the performance of their lives. Phelps managed to break 7 world records-- swimming in 8 different events. Phelps had to be tired after so many races. Can you imagine what his times would have been had he been well rested for each event? Some of the other competitors he faced were well rested, and couldn't put up much of a fight.

Bolt actually slowed down in celebration during his race in the 100 meters. His shoelace was untied too. Yet no one even came close to him.

And those gymnasts from China, what's their secret? Cosmetic companies are dying to know how it's possible to shave 4 years off your body.

This year's Olympic games made it quite clear that if you want to win Olympic gold, you not only have to train hard and eat right [actually, Phelps eats like Rosie O'Donnell before a race], but you also have to possess some freakish physical quality which will give you the edge in your chosen sport (or have the Chinese government forge your birth certificate).

I'm already imagining a future in which the world record in pole vault is won by a kid born with trampolines in both feet; a world where the winner in women's butterfly is a dead ringer for Ariel, the Little Mermaid--right down to the tail fin. Who knows? By 2012, we may have a wrestler with eight arms. Who would want to tangle with that? Rulon Gardner eat your heart out.

Thankfully, all this freakishness offers us normal humans comfort. Of course I wasn't an Olympic swimmer. It wasn't because I suck at swimming, but because my ankles aren't hypermobile and can extend beyond the pointe of a ballet dancer, enabling me to whip my feet, like a flipper. Now I understand. It's not my fault I'm not an Olympic athlete. There just wasn't enough toxic waste around to mutate my embryo.

So I encourage all other people with freakish abnormalities to seek out ways in which those differences can benefit athletic performance. Cause wouldn't you prefer a gold medal to working for Wandering Wally's Wacky Emporium Of The Weird and Unnatural?

Sure, Wally pays well, but not nearly as well as Speedo. Or Nike.

And yes, I do realize that not every physical mutation is a good one. And that not all who possess physical differences are in freak shows. This piece is clearly not aimed at you.

I am sad that the Olympics are over. There should really be more Olympic events broadcast on TV on a regular basis. When's the last time you saw water polo on television when it wasn't the Olympics? Or a fencing match? Or a judo competition? Or team handball? Why doesn't NBC or ESPN show this stuff all the time? Isn't there room for an Obscure Sports Network??


The Worldwide Leader In Freakish Sports

For now, we'll just have to wait another 2 years. Winter Olympics, baby! Biathlon, Curling, Snowman-Building (its a exhibition event). Vancouver here we come!

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PLUS: In case you were wondering what happens when you put a bunch of freaks in a village together, the London Times has uncovered the answer: Orgy Time.

Free Tibet, Boycott Beijing!


Tibet, The Underarm Stain Of China

Oh those wacky monks! Just when you thought Burma had successfully silenced monk-related protests in the Far East, monks in Tibet have decided join in on the protesting hijinx, raising their voices against Chinese oppression, just in time for this year's Olympic games in Beijing.

And the Chinese ain't too happy about such monk-y business.

"This has all the more revealed that the consistent claims made by the Dalai clique that they pursue not independence but peaceful dialogue are nothing but lies," said Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. "By staging that incident they want to undermine the Beijing Olympics Games, and they also try to serve their hidden agenda by inciting such incidents."

The Dalai Lama, for his part, urged his followers to resist peacefully, and threatened to step down as exiled head-of-state if Tibetans were actually guilty of violent actions.

BBC has some eyewitness accounts from Lhasa.

The Chinese crackdown on the monks has led some to call for a boycott of the Olympics. The last time a country boycotted the Olympics was in 1984, when the Russians boycotted the Los Angeles games in retaliation for the U.S. boycotting the 1980 Moscow ones. No one wants a boycott; it ends up punishing the athletes more than in punishes the targeted government. But I read an article today that led me to believe that the current situation in China may call for our American athletes to stay home:

China doesn't have enough toilet seats.

It's one thing to have an oppressive government that attacks unarmed, robed men. It's quite another to force world-class athletes to squat in order to perform their duty. Do the Chinese have no souls?

Richard Gere was right, dammit. Those Chinese are evil.


Richard Gere Saves Woman From Drowning In Toilet

In this context, the monks' protest makes a whole lot of sense. How happy can you be with an occupying regime that denies your basic human right to defecate comfortably?

So I say to China: Free Tibet. And give free toilet seats to everyone. Otherwise, the athletes of the world will do their business at home.