How Baseball Can Strike Out The Recession

Four weeks into the 2008 Major League Baseball season, some of the sport's most legendary players are still standing on line at the unemployment office.

That line includes Barry Bonds, holder of baseball's all-time home run record. Sammy Sosa, a member of the 600-club. Kenny Lofton, a ten year veteran who is 15th overall on the career stolen bases list and holder of the record for most post-season steals. And most recently, Frank Thomas, one of the game's best hitters with more than 500 homeruns.

What is going on here?

One word, ladies and gentlemen. A decline in this country's real gross domestic product, or negative real economic growth, for two or more successive quarters of a year.

Actually, that's a lot of words. So let's just call it "Recession."

Like millions of Americans, Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky find themselves fighting each other for applications to the local Denny's franchise because America's economy is in a funk. Others might blame their unemployment on criminal investigations, old age and cranky demeanors, but I'm calling it like I see it. In an America drowning under the weight of debt and inflation, even our national pastime isn't immune.

Consider: The Yankees, long one of baseball's biggest "spendy" franchises, went the whole offseason adding only two players to their roster: Morgan Ensberg and LaTroy "Call Me Paul O'Neill" Hawkins, neither of whom cost an arm and a leg.

Consider: The Baltimore Orioles, who began the season first place in the AL East, in one of the country's best ballparks, can't fill their stadium.

Consider: A mere year ago, Jose Canseco's book exposing steroids in baseball, "Juiced" sold over 200,000 copies and hit the New York Times bestseller list for eight weeks. But this year, his book on exactly the same subject, containing no new revelations whatsoever, is languishing on the Barnes and Noble discount rack. Two books about the same exact thing, by the same exact author. But the one released during this particular financial quarter fails.

Coincidence? Or evidence of our country's desperate state of affairs?

Clearly, we need to turn this recession around. And fast. The baseball season only lasts until November, and if Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky don't have jobs by then, they'll be forced to give up one of their many luxury automobiles. Or worse... be forced to appear in ads for Viagra:


Yes, I Should Be An Ad Executive

Yet, not one of the Presidential candidates has mentioned the plight of these unemployed baseball heroes. If a guy who hits 762 homeruns can't get a job, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Fortunately, I have a solution. It worked for Barry in the past, and I believe it can work for our nation.

Steroids.

That's right. I said it. We need to juice this nation up with some tasty, preferably racehorse-strength hormones. A nationwide program to inject every man, woman and child with some super-charging serum.

Think about it. Why does the economy fail? Well, I'm not sure, I didn't pay attention in economics class. But I read somewhere it has to do with weak performance. A large company doesn't meet its quotas. A huge construction project doesn't get done on time. A shortage of consumer products creates inflation. Money spent doesn't bring back results. Weak, weak, weak.

With everyone on steroids though, imagine the possibilities. If Barry can hit 70 homeruns in his 40s, then Joe Schmo at the plant can churn out four times as many widgets on the assembly line. Bigger muscles for the masses mean increased spending on new clothes and high-calorie food. No one will care about the price of gas: we'll be able to push our cars to their destinations. Suddenly, with our superhuman workforce, we're producing more than enough products to both fill our needs and trade with the world market. Beat that, China.

And we can cut our spending in Iraq in half: One Super-Soldier can do twice the work a regular one can, meaning we can withdraw thousands of forces and keep winning (cough) the war.

Steroids kept Barry in baseball long past his expiration date. And it can get him back in again. Just as it can get us all back to the muscular heights we once enjoyed in those blissful, Soundgarden-filled days of the 1990's.

My slogan: "Stronger People, Stronger Economy."

Hillary, Obama, John: this plan may just make you a winner. I urge you to consider it.

And if it doesn't work, at least we'll all be ripped.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Ire



Yes, I'm very proud of myself for coming up with today's blog title.

Barry Bonds' record tying and record-breaking homerun balls are now in the hands of collectors. But rather than keep the baseballs locked up next to their mint-condition Superman #1 comic books and Honus Wagner baseball cards, both ball owners are letting the public decide their fate.

Graffiti artist and fashion designer Marc Ecko put three options for his record-breaking ball up to a vote: 1) Give the ball to the Hall of Fame, as is. 2) Tag the ball with an asterisk, then send it to the Hall of Fame. 3) Strap it to a rocket and send it into outer space.

Yes... strap it to a rocket and send it into outer space.

[UPDATE] Barry Bonds' response? "He's stupid. He's an idiot. He spent $750,000 on the ball and that's what he's doing with it? What he's doing is stupid."

Ecko is undeterred. He offered to make Bonds a custom T-shirt that says, "Marc Ecko paid $752,467 for my ball, and all I got was this 'stupid' T-shirt."

California entrepreneur Ben Padnos also has a website putting the fate of Bonds' record-tying ball into the hands of the public. His is more simple: Save It? Or Smash It?

Why all this democracy? I say divide the ball into equal pieces and distribute it evenly among the populace. Am I right comrades?

But seriously, if you read my piece on Bonds and his record, then you should know how I feel about this. Put the damn ball in the Hall Of Fame. Then, with great fanfare, move it into the storage closet once someone deserving of that hallowed record finally achieves it.

*

Mets Fan Catches Record Homer

Barry Bonds did it. #756*. And for ten minutes, on his home field in San Francisco, he was celebrated as a hero. I admit, it was emotional to watch him pay tribute to his godfather, Willie Mays, his predecessor Hank Aaron, the fans, his family, and finally, with his surprisingly soft voice cracking and eyes brimming with tears, his late father.

Then of course, we all went back to talking about steroids.

Did steroids account for Barry Bonds' superhuman power surge, at a stage in his career when he should have been DHing for a last place American League club? All signs point to yes. But as CBS's Gregg Doyel points out, baseball's records were meant to be held by people such as Bonds. Pete Rose, a banned-from-baseball gambling addict, holds the seemingly untouchable record for career hits. Ty Cobb, a well-known racist and cripple-beater, holds the seemingly untouchable record for highest career batting average. These are characters beloved by their hometown fans, but held in less esteem by the rest of the baseball world.

They love Barry in San Francisco. And he was lucky to break the record there. There was nothing to ruin his hero moment. Hank Aaron, who many people speculated would snub Bonds, issued a taped statement of congratulations. Mike Bacsik, the pitcher who lobbed Bonds the record-breaking meatball, asked him for a signed bat. Outside the friendly confines of AT&T, baseball fans may have booed, but Bonds couldn't hear them.

But while the criticism of Bonds is more than justified, #756* may have been a great thing for baseball. In a year when we've witnessed Craig Biggio's 3000th hit, A-Rod's 500th homerun, Tom Glavine's 300th win, and Bobby Cox's 132nd ejection, casual baseball fans have never been more aware of baseball's cherished milestones. Bonds's record takes Aaron's untouchable 755 and suddenly makes it a number begging to be beaten. As Aaron himself implied in his recorded statement-- Bonds's feat isn't that he jacked 756 homeruns... it's that with one swing of the bat, he's inspired thousands of baseball players to come try to beat him.

"My hope today, as it was on that April evening in 1974, is that the achievement of this record will inspire others to chase their own dreams." -Hank Aaron

And try they will. The next homerun king, whether it's A-Rod, Albert Pujols, or a bionic Sammy Sosa-bot, is coming. And the baseball world will be looking forward to the day when the homerun record will once again be held by someone who upheld the purity of the game. And when that day comes, the celebration will be that much sweeter. And the cheers with ring throughout the country, not just on the shores of McCovey Cove.

So let's not bash Barry Bonds, let's thank him. Every hero's quest needs a villian to vanquish. Barry's made the pursuit of baseball's holy grail that much more holy. The homerun chase is no longer about beating a number, it's about beating a man. And that's more exciting in my book.

And the baseball that breaks that record will be worth soooo much more.

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P.S. It Wasn't The Steroids... It Was The Mechanical Arm

Bad Sports



What's the deal with professional sports these days??

Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record has everybody up in arms about steroids. And speaking of steroids, that wonder hormone allegedly caused pro-wrestler Chris Benoit to murder his wife and child, and then off himself. A more prolific murderer, at least in PETA's view, may be Michael Vick, accused of electrocuting and drowning dogs who lost in brutal dogfights he held at his ranch. But the major money wasn't being bet on the Fido vs. Scraps over-under; mob-backed gamblers made bank by controlling an NBA referee, who made bogus calls to influence the final score of basketball games. Ref Tim Donaghy isn't the only one going nowhere fast: accused performance enhancer and banned bicyclist Floyd Landis sits at home during this year's Tour De France as he awaits the results of his appeal.

Have I left anything out? Anything happen in the NHL?

Sure, in previous years, we've had Kobe's rape, Ray Lewis's nightclub shooting, and O.J. Simpson's high speed freeway drive, but never before can I recall so many sports scandals in such a short amount of time. Is it just coincidence? Or are athletes today just plain rotten?

Certainly, there's an explanation for steroids. In this day and age, more money than ever is on the table for athletes at the top of their game. If a cream or injection can make you 20 million dollars richer, either in endorsements, in a contract, or both, then that's pretty hard to pass up. Barry's story, as related by several sources, is that he saw other athletes doing it and gobbling up all the kudos. He wanted in.

The dogfighting? A little harder to explain. Michael Vick is a very rich man. Dogfighting, as far as I know, neither makes a lot of money or improves athletic performance. Unless of course, holding down dogs underwater is part of Vick's workout regimen.

Vick's sponsors are dropping him like a hot potato (Nike even cancelled the release of his shoe). And when you read the indictment, it's easy to see why...

The property was purchased by Vick in June 2001. Since that time, the named defendants formed a dog fighting enterprise known as “Bad Newz Kennels” and used the property for housing and training pit bulls used in dog fights. From at least 2002, the defendants and others sponsored dog fights at the property, where participants and dogs traveled from South Carolina, North Carolina, Maryland, New York, Texas, Alabama, and other states to participate. Generally, only those accompanying the opposing kennels and “Bad Newz Kennels’” associates attended the fights. For a particular dog fight, the participants would establish a purse for the winning side, ranging from the hundreds to thousands of dollars. Participants and spectators would also place side-bets on the fight. The dog fight would last until the death or surrender of the losing dog. At the end of the fight, the losing dog was sometimes put to death by drowning, hanging, gunshot, electrocution, or another method...

Further, in April 2007, an additional “testing” session was performed by Peace, Phillips, and Vick. Following that session, the indictment alleges that approximately eight dogs were put to death by hanging, drowning, and/or slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground.

Yikes. "Bad Newz," indeed.

As for Donaghy, he made the classic gambler's mistake. He got in too deep and couldn't climb out. And in doing so, he's called into question the entire profession of refereeing. Who's to say a bad call isn't something a bit more sinister?

Look how Donaghy's officiating affected a pivotal playoff game last year, between the Spurs and the Suns:



Then there's Floyd Landis, who maintains that he is innocent, a victim of a corrupted testing system. That may be true. Unfortunately for Landis, athletes haven't given us much to trust them on these days. He didn't help his case by allegedly threatening cycling legend Greg LeMond.

I love sports. And I believe that like in any industry, there are a few bad apples. The corporate world had Ken Lay, our government has George W. Bush, and sports has the likes of Tim Donaghy.

But after all we've seen and heard in recent years, can we ever truly trust our beloved sports again?

Or is it worth it to suspend our disbelief so that we may better enjoy watching our treasured athletic pastimes?

Either way, I'm not letting Michael Vick dog-sit.