Another Great Excuse In Celebrity History

First O.J. Simpson's "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Then Robert Blake's, "I couldn't have shot her, because I went back inside to look for my gun." Now...

"In 2005, around the time of the congressional hearings into the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, I had a conversation with Roger Clemens in Kissimmee, Florida. I asked him what he would say if asked by reporters if he had ever used performance-enhancing drugs. When he asked what I meant, I reminded him that he had told me that he had used HGH.

"Roger responded by telling me that I must have misunderstood him. He claimed that it was his wife, Debbie, who used HGH. And I said, 'OK,' or words to that effect, not because I agreed with him, but because I wasn't going to argue with him."

--Andy Pettitte

The embarassing Roger Clemens downfall, here:



Bai Ling, not wanting Roger to be the only celebrity with a bad excuse yesterday, came up with "I only shoplifted because my boyfriend broke up with me."

Well, that explains it then!!

Rudolph The Steroid-Abusing Reindeer

Just in time for the holiday season, Major League Baseball is getting a gift it didn't want-- the results of George Mitchell's steroid invesigation.

Rumors put the number of players named as high as 80. At least one person has said the list of steroid-abusing players will include "Landscape-changing names... Names that will change the way we look at the sport."

Deadspin.com published an unofficial list of players named in the report. We won't know for sure who's on it until 2:01 PM today, when the report is released.

But some of the names stand out. Bary Bonds and Mark McGwire, we already knew. But Roger Clemens? Andy Pettite? Albert Pujols? Pudge? Mo Vaughn? These guys are legends of the game. Roger holds several pitching records. All five are future Hall-Of-Famers.

Aaron Boone is a disturbing name to see there as well. His walk-off homer against the Red Sox in the Division Series is one of Yankee baseball's proudest moments. But was Boone on the juice when it happened?

Suddenly we have to ask ourselves... was Matt Williams pursuit of the home run record in the strike-shortened season a result of some needles? Was Paul Byrd's brilliant shutdown of the Yankees this year due to some extra testosterone? Was John Rocker's famous temper inflamed by roid rage?

How many asterisks do we have to put on this game?

Adam's Life Presents: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (modern version)







UPDATE: The real list of players. Aaron Boone, you're off the hook. So are you, Albert Pujols and Pudge.

Lenny Dykstra, David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Brian Roberts, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Josias Manzanillo, Todd Hundley, Mark Carreon, Hal Morris, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Jason Grimsley, Gregg Zaun, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Ryan Franklin, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Mercker, Adam Piatt, Miguel Tejada, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Jerry Hairston, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett, Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, Nook Logan, Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., Scott Schoeneweis, David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.

What They Were Thinking


Bush welcomes Gore and other 2007 Nobel Prize winners to the White House

General Eavesdrop Appointed To CIA



Does Bush ever think... maybe I'll appoint someone well-qualified and reasonable?

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PLUS: Bush makes a joke... Or was he being serious?
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My Strategy For Winning The War

by George W. Bush



Congress told me that I need to communicate with the American people about how we're going to win this war in Iraq. They told me people don't understand what we're doing there. So I'm here to tell you what we're doing, and share with you the detailed strategery that will accomplish our mission.

Step 1: Work Hard.

I know I've been working hard. And so has Dick Cheney. And Donald Rumsfeld. And all our troops over in Iraq. Spreading freedom is hard work. And we need to work hard to make it happen.

Step 2: Keep Working Hard.

This is an important addition to step one. We must keep working hard. Even if it gets hard to work hard. I'll tell you, it was tough this summer to stay focused, with all the hard work that had to be done on my ranch. But I kept working hard. That's the most important thing. We can't cut and run. If we don't keep working hard, how are the Iraqis supposed to?

Step 3: Make Fun Of People Who Say We Don't Work Hard

I haven't been to too many hospitals, visiting wounded troops. In fact, I haven't gone to any. But when someone who has gone to those hospitals, and fought in a war (I didn't do that either) starts to say we're not working hard, we have to make fun of that person so people think he's not working hard. Because we're the ones working hard. No one works harder. I don't have time to visit memorial services or listen to soldiers complaining. I'm too busy working hard.

Step 4: Take A Vacation

The thing about hard work is, it makes you tired. So those of us who work so hard need a vacation. No, not our troops... Me. I've spent more time on vacation than any other President. That's because I work harder than any of them ever did. Especially that Clinton guy. He barely took any vacation. Because he didn't work hard.

Step 5: Success

If we keep working hard, and making fun of those people that say we don't work hard, then Iraq will be a beacon of freedom in the Middle East, and the world. And Jesus himself will return to Earth and gather up us hard workers, leaving behind only the Democrats, the Log Cabin Republicans and John McCain. And then we won't need to work hard anymore. Because in heaven, coke is good for you and there are no dirty stinking lying journalists poking fun of your bad vocabularization.



So that's the plan. It's not a timetable. No war has ever been won on a timetable. The only way to win a war is through hard work. And we're working hard. We are. A lot harder than Osama. What's he done recently? Bring it on!!!

Al Shamshoon



In order to conquer... i mean.. liberate the Muslim world, it is necessary not only to export our manpower, but also our culture. Insurgents may not be quelled by our armies, the thinking goes, but maybe we can lull them into submission with a few good episodes of Laguna Beach.

Which brings me to today's topic: The Simpsons. After 17 seasons of beer-swilling, bacon munching, donut downing and downright hilarious political and religious satire, the American classic is making it's way to the Middle East. Minus the beer, bacon, donuts, and political and religious satire.

Homer Simpson becomes Omar Al Shamshoon. Instead of downing Duff beer in superhuman quantities, he'll chug soda. Instead of bacon he'll eat Egyptian beef sausage. His beloved donuts will be changed to a popular arab cookie, called kahk.

That's right, Homer is now a kahk muncher.

Hee hee.

Moe's bar is gone too. Will Moe find a way onto the Al Shamshoon show? Maybe, but he'll need a more Islamic-friendly profession. Any suggestions?

No word on whether Reverend Lovejoy will become an Iman.