Hillary Beat Bernie I Guess. So Let's Get Along.

Welp, this will have a few Bernie supporters claiming the media's in the bag for Hillary.

BREAKING: @AP finds Clinton reached the number of delegates needed to clinch the Democratic nomination for president pic.twitter.com/e473F0G4vX

— The Associated Press (@AP) June 7, 2016

I know it's math and Hillary will get the pledged delegates she needs to win tomorrow regardless of who wins the state, but the AP announcing Hillary's win the day before the California primaries has gotta seem like an insult... sorry, conspiracy... to Bernie supporters.

To Hillary's credit, her first statement was one of humility and reserve:

We’re flattered, @AP, but we've got primaries to win. CA, MT, NM, ND, NJ, SD, vote tomorrow! https://t.co/8t3GpZqc1U

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) June 7, 2016

To Hillary's detriment, a fundraising email sent out by her staff contains images labeled with the words, "Secret Win."

The images in this Clinton email are labeled "secret win." pic.twitter.com/YR4uCdQTZv

— Christina Bellantoni (@cbellantoni) June 7, 2016

That'll get some conspiracy theories smokin'.

Of course, the AP article isn't exactly something that helps Hillary. In fact, it very well could play into Bernie's hands-- Hillary supporters, thinking she's a sure thing, might do their hair or learn to play glockenspiel instead of voting in tomorrow's as-it-turns-out-not-really-crucial Primary elections. Bernie could, as a result, gain ground on Hillary or perhaps eke out a slightly larger margin of victory.

None of that will change the fact that Hillary will receive the pledged delegates she needs tomorrow (added to the superdelegates the AP says have committed to her) to reach the magic Primary-clinching number of 2,383 delegates. Bernie's campaign rightly points out that superdelegates can change their minds before the convention, and that 400 made up their mind before the Primary campaign even began. But that ignores the fact that those 400 who went all-in for Hillary at the very beginning are most likely among her biggest supporters, who will never change their minds. And unless you flip the vast majority of superdelegates (not just some), Bernie's still going to be behind.

So Bernie supporters, I feel you. I know this seems unfair as shit and rigged as hell. But if that's your reaction to today's headlines, it's good preparation for when the official nomination is declared, possibly Tuesday night, Wednesday morning, or on convention day. And that means it's a good time right now for all of us to consider what we do next. 

Hilldawgs gotta open their hearts and minds to the powerful needs and desires of a young, frustrated, progressive movement that deserves to be taken seriously. And Berniebroskies gotta reckon that Hillary is far more likely to represent their interests than a megalomaniac manchild who, at best, will nominate a wildly conservative supreme court justice who strips away our civil liberties, or at worst, will seriously endanger this country's safety.

Otherwise, no one is gonna be liking any of the headlines that come next...

Divided, we lose.

The Boy Who Cried "False Flag"

Conspiracies are fun, aren't they? Sure, you could just repeat the official line--"Muslim extremists carried out a terror attack"-- but that's BORING. It's far more exciting to imagine we're all living in some Die Hard-Mission Impossible-Manchurian Candidate mash-up, and the true culprits aren't the guys with mountains of evidence against them, but instead, covert shadow government agents seeking to turn America into a police state in the most complicated, meticulously planned, secret operation in history.

What movie keeps you on the edge of your seat--the one where it's clear who the bad guy is.... or the one with the unpredictable plot twists? THE KILLER WAS PRETENDING TO BE THE DEAD GUY ON THE FLOOR THE WHOLE TIME!!! OMG!!!

Of course, there are people who actually take these conspiracy theories seriously. In New Hampshire, they call these people "state lawmakers", the rest of us call them idiots. But I suspect that the majority of those espousing these conspiracy theories aren't true believers. Indeed, follow someone's conspiracy story long enough, and you'll hear them contradict themselves. People who are making it up as they go along suffer this problem.

I think they do it because the world is a sometimes scary, sometimes dull place. And conspiracies give us that jolt to the heart... that idea that we're in a battle against foes only the sharpest of us have the eyes to see.

Which is fine and all... except that there actually have been "false flag" operations in the past, sometimes to devastating effect. Our whole current kerfuffle with Iran has its basis in Operation Ajax, a joint British-American plot to overthrow Iran's democratically elected leader and replace him with a dictator more friendly to Western policies. Calling every single event from the past decade into question--as sites like InfoWars have--is like the being the boy who cried wolf. When "false flag," becomes associated with the crazies and the idiots, it makes it that much easier for an actual false flag operation to succeed. Anyone who raises a stink about something will be lumped in with the nutjobs.

Maybe InfoWars is the conspiracy--to make us believe any "false flag" is just a figment of some crackpot's imagination.

The Cadbury Creme Egg Conspiracy



A conspiracy? You be the judge. Go to the webpage now and you'll read this:

Why has the size of the egg changed?

As the world's largest confectionery company, Cadbury Schweppes is committed to developing great-tasting products that you, the consumer loves. Since people's preferences vary from market to market, so do our products. This is reflected in the broad variety of sizes and flavours of products that we offer our consumers worldwide.

Yes, I'm sure Americans just demanded a smaller creme egg. That..er.. makes sense??

But before the Conan episode aired, the SAME page was a bit different.

What's Up Iran?



Apparently afraid that Britney leaving rehab will steal away the world's attention, Iran captured 15 British sailors.

Very strange. Iran claims the Brits were in Iranian waters. The Brits say they were on the Iraq side of the line. Tensions are high. War seems imminent...

Wait a minute... where have I seen this before?


Bond, James Bond

Yes, that's right. This is totally out of a Bond film...

The encoder is used by media mogul Elliot Carver, as a tool to start a war between the People's Republic of China and the United Kingdom; this is to gain an exclusive marketing device to launch his new worldwide television network. He uses the encoder to send a British frigate, HMS Devonshire, off-course in the South China Sea, where Carver's own stealth ship is located. Carver's henchman, Mr. Stamper, sinks the frigate and shoots down a Chinese fighter plane sent out to investigate. The British thought they had been attacked by the Chinese, and Admiral Roebuck gives M 48 hours to investigate before they retaliate...

But who in real life could dream up such a fiendish plan to upset the Middle East just to generate a news story? What evil media genius is so desperate for ratings, that they would actually carry out such a diabolical scheme???? Only one. Yes. That's right...



Katie Couric.

Yes, yes, I know. I had trouble believing it myself at first. "I loved her on the Today show," you say. "She's so warm and friendly! She wouldn't hurt a fly, unless that fly was hurting another fly, and even in that case, she would capture the fly in a glass and release it a block or two away."

But as my super intelligent investigation revealed, if you're looking for evidence, look no further than Katie's accomplice, Executive Producer of The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric, Rick Kaplan:



Who happens to look suspiciously like...



...Elliot Carver!!!!!!!

Bombshell!!!!

Just read Rick's bio:

Most recently, Kaplan was president of MSNBC (2004-06), during which time the ratings for virtually every hour of the program day experienced double-digit growth. He developed new programs and worked to improve existing ones, including "Hardball with Chris Matthews" and "Countdown with Keith Olbermann," which recorded its highest-ever ratings during that time. Kaplan also produced major news events, including Election Night 2004.

That's right! He "produced major news events"! Including the 2004 election!!! I knew Bush didn't really win!

His bio also says he had a hand in "producing" the Persian Gulf War, the opening of the Berlin Wall, the 1989 San Francisco earthquake and the Los Angeles riots. Now that's a busy evil genius. Elliot Carver eat your heart out!!!

Clearly, we need to find Katie's stealth boat and blow it up before things escalate.

I am aware I'm putting myself at risk here even talking about this. In the tragic event of my death, it's up to you, loyal readers (all three of you) to follow this investigation through all the way to the end. Do not stop until the whole truth behind the conspiracy is revealed!

I sincerely hope that the 15 British sailors are released unharmed. One thing's for sure. We could definitely use James Bond.


[note, the original of this post was erased mysteriously. Katie?]