A Little Bit Of Waterboarding Never Hurt Anyone

According to Bush Administration documents, two high ranking Al-Qaeda prisonsers held in Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded a combined 226 times.

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing the victim on his or her back with the head inclined downwards, and then pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages. By forced suffocation and inhalation of water the subject experiences drowning and is caused to believe they are about to die. It is considered a form of torture by legal experts, politicians, war veterans, intelligence officials, military judges, and human rights organizations. As early as the Spanish Inquisition it was used for interrogation purposes, to punish and intimidate, and to force confessions. --Wikipedia

INT DAY- The Oval Office. George W. Bush is at his desk, playing checkers against an imaginary opponent. He is losing.

Bush: Gosh Darn it!

(a knock on the door)

Bush: Yes, come in.

(CIA official enters)

CIA: Hello Mr. President. I'm back from Guantanemo Bay.

Bush: Excellent. How are Khalid and Abu Zuba.. Zub.. ah I can never get it right.

CIA: Well, we waterboarded them again, as you instructed.

Bush: Great! Great. Any juicy intel?

CIA: Well... Khalid said he once stole a grape at the supermarket. And Abu Zubaydah says when he was five years old, he told his teacher at the madrassa that his favorite color was blue, but it was actually pink. He was afraid the other kids would laugh.

Bush: Haha. Pink. That's it?

CIA: Well... to be honest sir, we're beginning to doubt what more they can tell us. I mean, after the first waterboarding, they told us where Al-Queda's training facilities were in Afghanistan. After the second waterboarding, we got some names of their accomplices. After the third water boarding, they told us about some of Al-Queda's future plans. But... well... after the 60th waterboarding, they kind of ran out of things to say.

Bush: Ran out?

CIA: Well, Khalid told us his Mom's secret recipe for Babaganoush, and Abu Zubaydah revealed that he used the cheat code "Porntipsgizzardo" to earn money in the computer game "Sim City." But after that, we've received very little information.

Bush: Well, what did I tell you the last time? You're just not waterboarding enough. They've got to know where Bin Laden is hiding.

CIA: Mr. President, they've been in our custody for several years. Our intelligence indicates Bin Laden has been moved several times since.

Bush: They've got to know something. How many times have we waterboarded them?

CIA: 224 times combined, sir.

Bush: What did they say the 221st time?

CIA: Khalid stated that he didn't understand the movie "Donnie Darko."

Bush: Never understood it myself. What did Apu say the 222nd time?

CIA: I have the transcript right here. (takes out paper) Ah, here it is. "Please, please, just let me die. I've told you everything. I've even told you the secrets of my relatives and friends. I no longer wish death to America, only death for myself. Please, please stop and just kill me. Please end the pain."

Bush: He's hiding something. Waterboard him again. Khalid too. And ask him about Memento... did the guy really kill his wife with insulin, or was that really Sammy Jenkis?

CIA: (sighs) I'll do my best sir. (exits)

(Bush goes back to his checkerboard, makes a move)

Bush: Darn! You win again!

END SCENE

When Torture Is Not Torture, or, Waterboarding Ain't Boogie Boarding

From the AP:

WASHINGTON - The White House on Wednesday defended the use of the interrogation technique known as waterboarding, saying it is legal — not torture as critics argue — and has saved American lives.

President Bush could authorize waterboarding for future terrorism suspects if certain criteria are met, a spokesman said...

Waterboarding involves strapping a suspect down and pouring water over his cloth-covered face to create the sensation of drowning. It has been traced back hundreds of years, to the Spanish Inquisition, and is condemned by nations around the world.

[CIA Director] Hayden banned the technique in 2006 for Central Intelligence Agenc interrogations, the Defense Department has banned its employees from using it, and FBI Director Robert Mueller said his investigators do not use coercive tactics in interviewing terror suspects.

To reiterate things I've written before in this blog: Torture doesn't work. Torture is not a valid form of intelligence gathering.

If waterboarding isn't torture in Bush's book, then what else doesn't he consider torture?

The Rack



Bush's Defense: "Oh come on, don't doctors reccommend stretching before and after exercise? This is like yoga!"

The Nail Pull



Bush's Defense: "You kidding me? It's just a manicure! Laura tells me they pay good money for this at all the best salons."

Chinese Water Torture



Bush's Defense: "We call it, 'Bobbing for Freedom.' If they find a green apple, then we'll give them a full pardon. Except there aren't any apples. Only water. Makes it harder for the terrorists to get a pardon. You don't want to pardon terrorists, do you??"

Shock Torture



Bush's Defense: "You know when you pet a cat sometimes and you feel a little shock on your fingers? This is no worse than that. Just a couple hundred thousand volts. It's like a hot tub really."

Celine Dion Torture



Bush's Defense: "Ok, you got me. I'll order our intelligence services to end this type of interrigation technique immediately."