The Joy of Sadness

By Robbie Republican

I hear a joyful noise outside the window of my new apartment in Trump Tower. A soothing sound that brings happiness to my heart and lifts my soul on the wings of angels. I'm of course talking about the tormented cries of the liberals on the city streets below, bawling their eyes out that America will finally be great again.

The only sound better than the cries, are the cracking skulls.

As I've written before, America's savior Donald Trump couldn't have come at a better time in history. After we finally defeated racism (you're welcome, Obama), brought peace to the middle east by wiping out Saddam Hussein and began to usher in a new era of global prosperity, out came the demoncrats to ruin everything.

They invented #BlackLivesMatter in order to kill police officers and incite a race war, founded ISIS (thanks, Hillary), and gave all our jobs to the Chinese and the Mexicans. Fortunately, we live in a democracy, and this election restored law and order. If only we can stop the liberals from voting entirely, we might have a chance to keep it that way. God knows, we've tried. Maybe we can learn a thing or two from our dear friends, the Russians.

I wish I could pour the tears of all those sissies in a bottle, age it like a fine wine, and then pop the cork in four years when Trump is elected President-for-Life, and toast to their demise. Because nothing says "America is Back, Baby!" more than taking joy in the sadness of others. Where would we be without the Trail of Tears? The Redeemers? Executive Order 9066? Senator Joe McCarthy?

Liberals have no appreciation for our history. Obama even replaced American hero Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with an unrepentant fugitive and lawbreaker, just because she was a black female. That's racism and sexism. With Trump in charge, you can bet things will go back to the good old days.

The more I see people throughout this country crying, worried about their futures, complaining that they won't be able to afford healthcare for themselves and their families, worried our planet will burn from war and global warming-- I get butterflies.

It reminds me of my first love, Reagan Ronalds, a totally real girl from my high school. Her hair was as red as the blood of our soldiers, and she spoke volumes about how, as a woman, she wanted a country that protected the baby inside her from her own bad decisions, and that she wanted a country where men were men and told her exactly what she had to do, so she didn't have to think too hard. Thinking hurt the tiny brain in her pretty head.

Reagan and I shared a passionate kiss by the lake behind the school, and I promised her right there and then that I would help make an America where women like her would never be expected to do anything, an America where she would be safe from the criminals, terrorists, and journalists.

She asked me how it was possible that I could be so smart and brave, and I told her that I never stopped believing. Believing that one day, a man would come to save us from the weaklings who believed in peace and harmony and equality. A man even smarter and braver than I was, who knew that the best way to make America great was to make half the nation and most of the world quiver in fear and despair. And more nukes. Lots more nukes.

"Could such a man really exist?" she asked me, as I pushed her to her knees.

"He will," I said, looking up at the skies, ever-hopeful for the coming.

I don't know where Reagan Ronalds or our baby are now. But today I imagine she's as happy as I am to see how miserable the people are who don't agree with us. Obama never understood-- all his calls for unity, all his insistence that we were one nation for all-- he never got that America isn't something that can be shared with everyone. It's something reserved for those that truly deserve it. For us, the day has finally come that we can look at our lefty neighbors and proudly say, "Have fun in Canada, losers."

Because if you're not with us, you're against us. If you're against us, you're against America. All the screaming and shouting won't get you anywhere except the inside of a jail cell, cause we have the freedom of speech now.

Ahh, do you hear that sound? A boot stamping on a human face - forever. Sounds like victory to me.

'Til next time comrades-- I'm Robbie American, proud Patriot. God Bless you, and God Bless America.





[Note from Adam: Views of Robbie Republican do not reflect my own... ;)]