Did Michael Jackson Molest Anybody?


Jackson's Kids

The recent outpouring of grief and support for pop star Michael Jackson in the wake of his death has caught some people by surprise. Isn't this someone who most people dismissed as "Wacko Jacko," a child-molesting weirdo who endangered and warped his own strangely conceived kids? Someone whom, admittedly paid a sum of money to a boy in 1993 to settle molestation charges? Someone whom media pundits like Nancy Grace and Shepard Smith called a "Teflon monster" and "not guilty by reason of celebrity" when he was acquitted of kidnapping and molesting a child in 2005?

That's what I thought. Sure, I dance to "Billy Jean" like everyone else, but I wouldn't invite Michael Jackson to babysit.

But watching clips from the memorial service at the Staples Center, I have to say, I started to wonder. Just how real were those allegations? Part of what made me wonder was watching 11-year-old Paris Jackson, the pop star's daughter, give an emotional, raw, and very real statement about her father's death. This wasn't some f-ed up kid... this was someone who seemed very much like a normal 11-year-old who'd just lost a loving father. In fact, in her brief appearance, she displayed a maturity and dignity well beyond her years. Seeing her, and the rest of Michael Jackson's brood for the first time, it was suddenly a lot more difficult to demonize the singer. Suddenly, calling him "Wacko Jacko" seemed wrong. Just because the New York Post says it, does it mean it's true?

Another thing that caused my opinion of Michael to waver is simply watching the media. Its impossible to turn on the television and not think that these news guys are completely loony. The 24-hour blanket coverage, the over-analysis of everything from the cars Jackson's family rode in to interviewing the journalists who made their careers exploiting Jackson's weirdness... it was all too familiar. The media decides on a storyline and runs with it... even if their story doesn't fit all the facts. They've spent a week deifying a man they once demonized. They've reduced the molestation charges to a footnote, whereas before, they defined Jackson as a pedophile. If the media is capable of turning on and off the demon switch at will, then how are we supposed to know where the truth lies??

I mean, read this. Some guy analyzing all of Jackson's public statements about the molestation in 1993. Is his analysis fair? The guy says over and over that the words "I am innocent" aren't the same as "I didn't do it." Really? Are we taking Jackson to task because he didn't use the right vocabulary?

O.J. Simpson drove away in his Ford Bronco... that made people pretty sure he was guilty. Michael Jackson paid a settlement to one accuser... that made people pretty sure he was guilty. But of the hundreds who slept over at the Neverland ranch, only three ever said anything happened. None ever testified against Michael. In the 2005 case, jurors agreed there wasn't enough evidence to convict, and the mother of the boy had successfully extorted money from a department store a few years earlier. Back in 1993, one boy told police he'd only testify is someone else did. The boy whom Jackson settled with (conflicting reports say it was his lawyers, not Jackson, who made the settlement) accused his own father of abuse:

NY Daily News - The accuser, now 26, says his ex-dentist dad Evan Chandler "struck him on the head from behind with ... (dumbbell) weight ... sprayed his eyes with Mace or pepper spray, and tried to choke him" last year, according to court documents filed in New Jersey.

The father even sued Jackson to fund an album called "EVANstory." Seriously.

So the accusations aren't that strong. You'd expect that somewhere in the outpouring of Jackson support, if there were victims of the man, they'd come forward. Why allow the deification of a man if you know him to be a monster?? It's surprising that none has come forward, even anonymously, to "tell the truth."

We don't know what happened in Michael Jackson's bedroom. But I know what I saw yesterday. And it was three kids who look really really upset to have lost their dad. By the accounts of those who actually knew Michael, and haven't just relied on FOX News and Nancy Grace, he was a doting father and someone who never would have harmed a child.

Did the media kill Michael Jackson before they deified him? It's within the realm of possibility.

Palin's Bailin'



After a busy 4th of July weekend, I'm back to comment on some recent news. No, not Michael Jackson. Nor the beloved Billy Mays (whom I met in person 2 weeks before he died). But rather, Sarah Palin. I had feared that somehow, with all the endless media attention, Republicans would actually take her seriously, and the mockery of the American electoral process that began when John McCain tapped her as his Vice Presidential nominee would continue.

Luckily, Sarah Palin did a great job of torpedoing her future and freeing up the Republicans to find someone actually qualified for the highest offices in the land. Although, they don't have a lot of choices.

According to Sarah Palin, she couldn't sit back and let the media tell everyone how unqualified she was to govern. So, to show everyone that she can govern, she quit being governor.

"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down [and] plod along," Palin said. "That's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

Yes, Sarah. Doing your job is the "quitters way out." What do winners do? According to Sarah, they quit.

Now, I'm sure somewhere in Sarah Palin's comely MILFy skull, this logic makes sense. And maybe somewhere in America, there's a person drunk on moonshine and high on crystal meth who thinks, "Gee, that Sarah sure proved to me that she's presidential material." But in the rest of America, the America where people are struggling to find a job that pays $125,000 dollars a year (like Sarah's did), and can't afford to quit in order to prove they're not quitters, that sort of logic doesn't fly. And so ends the tale of Sarah Palin, public servant, and so begins the story of Sarah Palin, joke.

Of course, Sarah became a joke during the 2008 campaign. This merely adds punchlines. "Sarah took 'quit while you're ahead' a bit too literally."

The most insane thing is Sarah's primary reason for quitting. The media. Apparently, their criticism was too much to ignore from the statehouse in Alaska. And this woman wants to be President!?!?! The most powerful person in the world!?!?!?! The person who wants to become the most powerful person in the world QUITS when people say bad things about her!?!?!?!?!?!

Can you imagine....

November, 2012
PALIN: My fellow Americans. Since you elected me as your President two weeks ago, the media attacks on me and my family have been unending. Just this morning, I read an editorial in the New York Times saying that I should have been tougher on Kim Jong Il after he bombed Pearl Harbor, and my plan to distribute guns to schoolchildren was "deeply flawed." These elite media critics also say that my husband is unqualified to be appointed Secretary of Defense, and that my daughter Bristol is in over her head as my chosen Secretary of State. I can no longer keep my head down and ignore these vicious, baseless attacks. Therefore, I am resigning the Presidency of the United States, effective immediately. I'd like to wish good luck to your new President, my former vice president Bubbles the Chimp.

PRESS: Mr. Bubbles, care to comment?

BUBBLES: (sticks out tongue) Pbffft...

PRESS: Adorable.

I'd like to thank Sarah for stepping so gracefully aside. If only more terribly unqualified leaders would quit their posts and let somebody else give it a try.

How about it, New York State senators?

Who Knew So Much Went Into Olive Garden?



Read this article on Fast Company today: Why America Is Addicted To Olive Garden. Now, I don't own a major company, but if I did, I could certainly learn a few lessons from the people behind endless salad and breadsticks. The company, Darden, also owns Red Lobster.

Some fascinating tidbits:

The President of Olive Garden started out there as a line cook:

David Pickens, 53, the president of Olive Garden, knows firsthand how grueling -- and how fulfilling -- restaurant work can be. At 17, he started as a line cook at a Red Lobster in Nashville. The pace was relentless, the pay wasn't great, and he never saw the people he cooked for. It was just a job. Then he became a waiter, interacting with customers, shaping their dining experience, and getting rewarded for it. He set his sights on becoming a restaurant manager, got the job at 21, and never looked back, opening and overseeing restaurants for Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and the short-lived China Coast.

"I went from Nashville to Memphis to St. Louis to Evansville, Indiana, back to Nashville and Memphis and then to Little Rock to Houston to Philadelphia to New York and finally here to Orlando," says Pickens. "Got all that?"

Olive Garden sends its staff to Italy:

Eleven times a year, the company sends 14 top employees, many of whom have never set foot in Italy, to spend a week in an 11th-century village in Tuscany and learn from Sergio and Daniela Zingarelli, a husband and wife who operate a restaurant, winery, and inn. The couple and other local experts expose the Americans to everything from how olive oil gets pressed to how to layer flavors in a Bolognese sauce. The Olive Garden employees buy fresh vegetables at a market in Florence and prepare a multicourse Italian meal.

Red Lobster goes the extra mile:

"Is there Red Lobster without lobster?" is not an existential question for this company. The North American lobster harvest fluctuates every year, but demand continues to grow. So two years ago, Darden began sponsoring an experiment to boost the population. Scientists working with the government of New Brunswick, in Canada, catch pregnant lobsters and care for their offspring until they're mature enough to burrow into the ocean's sandy bottom, then release the tiny animals into the wild. Then Darden waits and hopes -- for six years or more. So far, says Bill Herzig, Darden's senior vice president of supply-chain innovation, "it looks like good science."

Yes, Red Lobster actually raises baby lobsters, then releases them into the wild, and years later, captures them to put on your plate. That's commitment.

A Brief Rant About Tattoos

So I've been seeing this story for the past week or so: An 18-year-old girl went into a tattoo parlor in Belgium and requested some tattoos of stars on her face. The tattoo artist obliged. But there's just one tiny issue: The girl said she requested 3 stars. The artist claims... well:


56 Stars, One For Each Braincell

The girl claimed to have fallen asleep... the only explanation for how she could have possibly allowed the tattooing if she didn't want it. The artist says the girl was pleased as punch... until her daddy found out. Then she was all like, "Daddy, it's the tattoo artist's fault!"

It seemed like the classic "he said, she said." So other than glance at the photo above, I didn't really delve into the story. Until today, when I saw the picture of the tattoo artist:


Hi, I'm Your Blind Date

Now I know the girl was totally lying. If you go to this guy for a face tattoo, you're staying awake. In fact, if you go to this guy for a tattoo at all, you're not just getting some dainty unicorn tattooed on your shoulder. You go to a guy who looks like this, you're looking for something a bit more on the extreme side.

I never got the whole tattoo thing. A girl I once knew had a hummingbird tattooed perilously close to a delicate place of her anatomy. It was gross... it looked like the bird was fluttering around a feeder, waiting to take a slurp. Then there's that whole "tramp stamp" thing. Why get a tattoo in a place that will immediately make everybody think you like to take it doggystyle? Is that something you want to advertise around the office?

I'm all for a tattoo that means something (one friend I had in college got his late father's initials tattooed over his heart). And for all I know, this chick could have had 56 good reasons to get those stars. But if you're just getting a tattoo because it "looks good" or "it's cool," you might as well just put on clown makeup and a big bright red nose, because chances are what you think is totally awesome today will later seem to everyone else like a joke.

Here's what I propose. Tattoo parlors should require a 24-hour waiting period before they proceed with a tattoo. This would probably eliminate the 20% or so who stumble in drunk and get My Little Pony on their thigh. It'll probably get rid of the other 30% who habitually make spontaneous decisions and regret them moments later.


Actually, I'm Sort Of Into This. Do They Ink Tex?

But until Congress passes my bill, the Defense of Skin Act, just follow this advice. If you're going to let a guy who looks like the above tattoo your face, make sure you're wide awake the whole damn time.


P.S. I don't even want to imagine what this guy goes through every time he sneezes.

[UPDATE: Well, it didn't take long for the truth to come out: Starface admits to lying.]

Search Engines Sweep Nation

First, there was Yahoo!. Then there was Altavista, Lycos, Ask. Finally, there was Google. How many search engines did the world really need?

Well, this month, there's been an eruption of new, "improved," "super-cool," search engines. First, Microsoft announced their latest attempt to beat Google into a bloody pulp and wrap the corpse in a rug: Bing.com. While I don't think anyone will be saying, "I just 'binged' my blind date... I've got to cancel," the site has some very cool features. Chief among them? Their video search, in which you can see full length thumbnail sized versions of every video that comes up in your search results. This is fantastic for watching stuff during work.

But we'd expect a Google-killer attempt from Microsoft. Others, by smaller companies, show that while Google may be a household name, there's plenty of room for other search websites in the marketplace:

Taptu Dancing: One of the biggest complaints about the iPhone is that its web browser doesn’t support Flash animation, which is used on many web pages. And on any cell phone, it can be difficult to find a mobile version of the page you want. Taptu is a downloadable search app that filters out pages featuring Flash and optimizes the search results for viewing on an iPhone or any other mobile device. You can see how it works at taptu.com.

I Have A Hunch: Created by the people who brought you Flickr, Hunch.com is billed as a “decision-making engine.” The website asks you a series of questions designed to gauge your personality, wants and needs (for example, “Do you like bumper cars?”) Then you type in what you’re looking for, such as “Where to go on vacation?” and the site offers results that match what it has learned about you from your answers. The site is designed to adapt as more users ask and answer questions, to improve the accuracy of the results.

Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolfram Alpha: Search for your name on any major search site, and you’ll find a lot of personal websites, news stories, PDF files of your alumni newsletter. But on Wolframalpha.com, a search for your name brings up the number of people in the U.S. that have your name, what years it was most popular in, and how old, on average, people with your name are. Wolfram Alpha provides numerical facts and figures on many topics, though at this stage, there are still some gaps in its knowledge. All it told me about Jessica Alba was that she was born on April 28, 1981 in Pomona, California. Not even a picture? Come on, Wolfram.


That's More Like It. Thanks Bing!

Pass The Koogle, Bubbe- Announced this week, Koogle is a search engine designed for Orthodox Jews, who aren’t allowed to view “immodest” images and other un-kosher search results that may pop up (the name is a play on Google and that popular Jewish dish, kugel). While there are clearly some bugs to work out (some searches result in a 404 Not Found page), its creators hope the site enables the Orthodox community to use the web without fear of compromising their values and beliefs. For instance, I typed in "Jessica Alba," and the website nearly exploded.

Yes, I know she has a baby now and the body can't possibly still be that hot. But let's appreciate the way it was, okay?

Of course, the best search engine is the one at the top of this page, where you can search for things I've written on this blog. It looks like this:



Type in a word, and you'll find out what I think about it. If nothing comes up, then that means whatever you're searching for is terribly, terribly unimportant.