From Worst To First: The 2009 Detroit Lions


Whatever Happened To Lion Pride?

Next Sunday, the Jets and Dolphins will face off in a battle that will determine the winner of the AFC East. Which is quite stunning considering how bad the Dolphins were a year ago. In a column by sportswriter Michael Silver a couple of weeks ago:

Exactly a year ago the Dolphins were playing to avoid the ultimate embarrassment. At 0-13, they were staring at the most wretched regular season in NFL history, and only an overtime triumph against the Baltimore Ravens (after Matt Stover missed a potential game-winning field goal) kept them from becoming the league’s first 0-16 team.

Put it this way: Can you imagine the words “first-place Detroit Lions” being uttered a year from now?

Silver's question is rhetorical, of course. The currently 0-13 Detroit Lions have absolutely no shot at being first place next season.

Or do they??

After all, most people said that about the 2008 Miami Dolphins. And before that, the 1998 St. Louis Rams. They did pretty well for themselves.

The Detroit Lions are my friend Chris's favorite team. In his defense, he was in the developmental years of his football-watching days during the high times of Barry Sanders, Johnny Morton and Scott Mitchell (er... maybe not Mitchell), so the Lions back then had some appeal. But during the maniacal, tragic and bizarre reign of GM Matt Millen, the Lions have become like the Ford Motor company that owns them--poorly managed and putting out a poorly designed product nobody wants, desperately in need of a bailout.

But everyone knows the Lions' problems. The question is: how can they go from sinking ship to championship?

Bright Spots:

Calvin Johnson. The receiver known as "Megatron," has 69 catches for 1229 yards (17.8 avg) and 10 TDs this year... nearly 45% of the Lions passing offense. He did it despite clearly being the team's only receiving threat after the trade of Roy Williams to the Cowboys. Despite being on a losing team, he hasn't been a complainer, unlike the other C. Johnson, Ocho Cinco.

Kevin Smith. Not the guy who brought you Mallrats and Dogma, the Lions' rookie running back has rushed for 884 yards (averaging 4.2 per carry) and scored 7 TDs. He's also caught 36 passes for 279 yards. Being that the Lions are constantly behind and as a result, don't run a lot, that's impressive.

The Lions are projected to be be anywhere from 20 to 40 million or so below the salary cap next year (depending on what that cap ends up being), meaning they have money to spend on talent.

Also, due to the Roy Williams trade, they have an extra first round pick in the draft. They'll have the number 1 pick, probably the 23rd pick, and then the 1st pick in the 2nd round.

The moves:

Coach: Sign Josh McDaniels. The Patriots offensive coordinator will be in high demand in 2009. To lure him to Detroit will be a massive undertaking. Most likely, the Lions will have to grant McDaniels an obscene contract, a house in Grosse Pointe, and, most importantly, GM control. It's worth it to land the guy responsible for New England's explosive offense.

QB: Sign Matt Cassel. To paint this guy as a one-year wonder is to ignore what we've witnessed with our own eyes. A strong arm, nice mobility, above-average decision making, a guy who threw for 345 yards and 3 TDs in a blinding snowstorm. There's no room for him in New England once Tom Brady returns. Getting Cassel also means the pressure is off to get a signal caller in the draft (Joey Harrington anyone?). Cassel will want a big contract to start somewhere, and the Lions can give it to him. 65 million over 6 years should do the trick. (Lions 2009 Cap Hit: ~10 million)

(Of course, especially if they lose McDaniels, the Patriots won't make it easy for the Lions. They may put the franchise tag on Cassel, meaning the Lions would have to trade for him. New England would probably demand at least a 2nd round pick... which the Lions should be willing to give up.)

Game Changer: Sign Darren Sproles. Buried behind LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Turner for all of his short career, the Kansas State product has wowed in brief, speedy flashes as a kick returner and change-of-pace back. The Chargers don't value him nearly enough, thinking him too undersized for more carries. You know who else was undersized? Barry Sanders.

Is Sproles the next Barry Sanders? Signs would point to... no. But he is a back that can light up a football field whenever he's on it. That's something the Lions need. (Lions 2009 Cap hit: ~2.5 million)

TE: Sign Desmond Clark. A decent blocker and underrated receiver, he's a short-range threat and outlet for a lions QB that will undoubtedly come under pressure. He may come cheap. (Lions 2009 Cap hit: ~2.5 Million)

CB: Sign Nnamdi Asomugha. This guy will command a large contract, as one of the best corners in the league. A guy that can be left on an island to guard a team's best receiver, he can singlehandedly turn around the Lions' 22nd-ranked pass defense. (Lions 2009 Cap Hit: ~14 million)

By my rough calculations, these signings would leave the Lions with 11 million or so for the draft (assuming they had 40 million in cap to work with).

Draft:
1 (1): Andre Smith, OT Alabama. Orlando Pace-style protection for Matt Cassel.

1 (23): Duke Robinson, OG, Oklahoma. Lions will catch hell for two O-line first rounders as media conveniently forgets that the O-line is the strength of championship teams.

2 (33): Alfonso Smith, CB, Wake Forest. Playmaker solidifies secondary with Nmandi.

3 (65): Marcus Freeman, OLB, Ohio State. Overshadowed by Laurinitis at OSU, he'll be a star for the Lions.

3 (85): Louis Delmas, FS, Western Michigan. Keep shoring up that secondary.

5 (129): Chase Daniel, QB, Missouri. Just in case Cassel doesn't work out. Mobile and played well for a winner.

6 (161): Nader Abdallah, DT, Ohio State. Big, athletic tackle from a winning program.

6 (182): Willie VanDeSteeg, DE, Minnesota. Off-the-field issues make this first-class pass rusher drop into the Lions lap.

7 (193): Casey Fitzgerald, WR, North Texas. Wes Welker Wes Welker Wes Welker.

So what does the Adam's Life 2009 Detroit Lions season look like?

Josh McDaniels installs his system for the Lions, with Cassel leading the way behind a young but studly offensive line. Johnson fulfills the Randy Moss role, Shaun McDonald or Casey Fitzgerald filling the Welker role. Defensively, the Lions pass D improves by leaps and bounds, although the Rush D still leaves something to be desired. But the Lions score so many points, teams are forced to throw into the arms of Asomugha, Smith and Delmas.

If all goes according to the Adam's Life plan:

Projected Record: 10-6, 1st in the NFC North.

You heard it here first folks. Worst to first.

Lions fans, Mel Kiper, your thoughts?? Leave a comment below.

Friday Food Holiday Gift Guide

They say the quickest way to someone's heart is through their stomach (though as my doctor friends point out, it's quicker to make an incision in the breastplate.) In NYC, you can step it up a notch above a box of Godivas fairly easily and cheaply.

Just visit these places below:

The Store: Fat Witch Bakery, 75 9th Ave. (Chelsea Market)

What You'll Find:

Holiday Cauldron Special, $18.99. One luscious, gooey, mmm Fat Witch brownie is $2.75... this collection has 7 Fat Witch Baby Brownies, 3 Blonde Babies and 3 Walnut Babies.

Also look for: For do-it-yourselfers, Fat Witch's Original Brownie Mix.

The Store: La Maison Du Chocolat, 30 Rockefeller Center.

What You'll Find:

Chocolate Macaroon, $2.50 ea. This isn't one of those dry, coconutty lumps for Passover... this is the best cookie they'll ever have in their life. Gift boxes with a variety of flavors are available.

Also look for: Chocolate Covered Fruit, Tasse De Chocolat-- dark chocolate beads, and, if you're in the store, a overdose-inducing cup of Hot Chocolate.

The Store: Butter Lane, 123 E. 7th St.
What You'll Find:

Chocolate Cupcake with French Vanilla Buttercream Icing,$2.50. There's no way you'll want to wait in line at Magnolia, so try these cupcakes on for size.

Also look for: A much-raved-about Banana Cream Cheese cupcake (which I was unfortunately not able to sample), a variety of French buttercream and American buttercream (the staff will explain the difference) cupcakes.

The Store: Build A Green Bakery, 223 First Ave.

What You'll Find:

Big Box of Little Cookies, $15.00. Size doesn't matter... with these cookies. Always fresh, they pack some big taste.

Also look for:New York Chocolate Cheesecake and Peanut Butter Chocolate Cheesecake, out this month, and their tasty Blueberry Corn Muffins.

The Store: Dylan's Candy Bar, 1011 Third Ave.

What You'll Find:

Dylan's Candy Bar Striped Scarf, $42.00. I was gonna feature some candy here, then I saw this scarf with pockets. A scarf with pockets! I thought of that first.

Also look for: Candy. All kinds. Everything from a Pez Elvis Gift Set to Chocolate Covered Peanuts in a Paint Can. Yes, a Paint Can. Paint not included.

New MSN Article: Grandparent Gadgets



You won't find walkers or an old bowl of Werther's Originals on this list. Only hip and helpful tech gifts for the hip-replacement set.

New York City Holiday Gift Guide: Sports and Dorks

Just a handful of places today, where you can find gifts for your sports fan or, er... anti-sports fan. Let's go NYU Bobcats!! Yes... its Bobcats. Not Violets. I swear.

The Store: Steve & Barry's, 100 W. 33rd St. (Manhattan Mall)

What You'll Find:

Long-Sleeve College T-Shirt, $4.00. Help your friend or relative feel like a college kid again.

Also look for: Steve and Barry's is going out of business, and the phrase "picked over" doesn't begin to describe the remaining items from their closing sale. But if you get there this week, there's still plenty of Steve & Barry's fleeces, Laird Hamilton's "Wonderwall" surf-clothing collection, University of Michigan Varsity-Style Jackets, and ridiculously cheap earrings and other accessories.

The Store: Yankees Clubhouse Store, 393 Fifth Ave.

What You'll Find:

New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox Connect Four MLB Game, $19.99. The only bad part about this gift? Someone ends up having to play as the Red Sox.

Also look for: Yankees Jerseys and Caps, a Yankees Mr. Potato Head doll.

The Store: Paragon Sports, 867 Broadway

What You'll Find:

Finis SwiMP3 V2 Player, $111.96. For the swimmer who found out the hard way that iPods don't work underwater.

Also look for: Every sporting good under the sun, Custom Pocket Knives, and some great lawn games, like the Franklin Sports Spongebob All Sport Set, which includes a pop up goal and soccer ball.

The Store: Jewish Book Center of The Workman's Circle, 45 E. 33rd St.

What You'll Find:

Mensch T-Shirt, $13.00. For the mensch who has everything, except a T-Shirt printed with the definition of what a Mensch is.

Also look for: Musical Dreidels, books on Kabbalah, or Jewish Mysticism, and for aspiring Jewish Jocks, the Shvitz! My Yiddishe Workout DVD.

The Store: Bauman Rare Books, 535 Madison Ave.

What You'll Find:

Issac Asimov's Book Of Facts, Signed By The Author, $150. The king of sci-fi for your sci-fi fan. As long as he doesn't mind that Asimov wrote in it.

Also look for:A framed collection of Beatles' Autographs, rare first editions of books and manuscripts.

More gift guide to come. See the whole gift guide, here.

A Heist Movie

This January, coming to a theater near you...

Jeremy Irons...

"Fort Knox? Compared to this, Fort Knox is a piggy bank."

Jean Claude Van Damme...

"We need to stoup dem, beefer its too laight!"

Based on the true story of the greatest robbery ever pulled...

They told Congress they would save the country. But in the end, they only saved themselves.

"700 billion, ours for the taking."

"Surely they'll catch us."

"Catch us? Ha. They'll help us!"

Directed by Tony Scott.

Congress gave 700 billion to financial firms without much debate. Yet 14 billion for the auto industry, is being scrutinized endlessly. Hmm... when Republicans in suits have finincial difficulties, there's no debate. But when Democrats wearing hardhats are in trouble... there's got to be some "serious changes."

"But wait, Adam," you say. "That 700 billion came with restrictions too." Really? You mean that limit on executive pay?

"Yes," you say.

Um....

WASHINGTON POST- Congress wanted to guarantee that the $700 billion financial bailout would limit the eye-popping pay of Wall Street executives, so lawmakers included a mechanism for reviewing executive compensation and penalizing firms that break the rules.

But at the last minute, the Bush administration insisted on a one-sentence change to the provision, congressional aides said. The change stipulated that the penalty would apply only to firms that received bailout funds by selling troubled assets to the government in an auction, which was the way the Treasury Department had said it planned to use the money.

Now, however, the small change looks more like a giant loophole, according to lawmakers and legal experts. In a reversal, the Bush administration has not used auctions for any of the $335 billion committed so far from the rescue package, nor does it plan to use them in the future. Lawmakers and legal experts say the change has effectively repealed the only enforcement mechanism in the law dealing with lavish pay for top executives.

"The flimsy executive-compensation restrictions in the original bill are now all but gone," said Sen. Charles E. Grassley (Iowa), ranking Republican on of the Senate Finance Committee.

The truth is, Congress is hemmoraging money left and right, and all this talk about restrictions and oversight is grandstanding and outright lies. The Dems may have a slim majority in congress, but they're as gutless as ever, and as long as Bush is still in the White House, he will continue to undermine any attempts to put regulations on his big business cronies.

Executives at companies like AIG are laughing all the way to the bank.

American International Group Inc., the insurer whose bonuses and perks are under fire from U.S. lawmakers, offered cash awards to another 38 executives in a retention program with payments of as much as $4 million.

The incentives range from $92,500 to $4 million for employees earning salaries between $160,000 and $1 million, Chief Executive Officer Edward Liddy said in a letter dated Dec. 5 to Representative Elijah Cummings. The New York-based insurer had previously disclosed that 130 managers would get the awards and that one executive would get $3 million.

“I remain concerned, as do many American taxpayers, that these retention payments are simply bonuses by another name,” Cummings said in letter responding to Liddy.

AIG, which received a U.S. rescue package of more than $152 billion, has been criticized for saying it will eliminate bonuses for senior executives while still planning to hand out “cash awards” that double or triple the salaries of some managers.

They claim the bonuses... er... "cash awards" are necessary to retain top excutives-- to prevent them from joining other companies.

Um... why would anyone hire a failed executive? In this crappy economy? There's no demand for them!!!

Basically, it looks like much of the 700 billion will go towards making sure the financial futures of wealthy individuals are secure. The rest will probably be donated to various senators' re-election campaigns.

I wouldn't be surprised if Congress doesn't approve 14 billion for the auto industry. The mass unemployment and general destruction of the American economy will make sure that the public is too distracted to notice AIG executives cruising by on their brand-new yachts.

Obama can't come soon enough. But even he may be powerless to stop the greatest robbery ever committed in the United States.