Fantastic Fox


Jessica Alba Is My Superhero

On the cover of Sunday's Parade Magazine, actress Jessica Alba declares "I wish I were invisible."

Jessica and I have this in common. I too wish to be invisible. While in Jessica's apartment.

That was a joke. I am not a creepy stalker.

But Jessica does raise an interesting point. Is there any room for privacy in the lives of the rich and famous? Or is normalcy forfeited upon reaching a certain profitability in the box office?

Last week, we saw A-Rod gallivanting around town with a stripper/Playboy reject. We saw Lindsay passed out drunk in a car. We saw Paris Hilton buying bibles. Isn't there a war going on? Shouldn't we be giving these celebrities some space and focus on more pressing matters?

No. In fact, celebrity watching is the most vital, important thing this country needs right now. Save the Lindsay Lohan strange knife play photos, save the world.

Without the paparazzi, magazines like US Weekly and Star are replaced on magazine racks with U.S. News and World Report and The Economist. Page Six becomes another page of dismal, soul crushing news. We are a species that seeks stimulation, that is driven mad by routine. Locke couldn't keep pushing the button, and neither can we. Every so often, we need to be reminded there's a mystical island out there for us to explore. It's called Ibiza, and its teeming with topless celebrities.

Yes, while the normal world is at work in an office building, our beloved celebrities are crisping on white sands. While we go to bed at 10 PM on a Tuesday night, setting our alarm for work at 8 am, they're doing lines of coke off of the dashboard of their Maseratis. While we have babies that resemble our ugliest relatives, they have babies born with modeling contracts. And we want to see it all. Not out of malice, or schadenfreude, or because we revel in their humiliation. But because by viewing their lives, through the paparazzi lens, we experience just one half of one percent of a hope that one day, we too can experience that reckless, carefree, decadent lifestyle that normal society tells us is both wrong and impossible.

We'll never be able to frolic in the Caribbean with Jessica. But we can watch someone else do it. And it gives us that glimmer of inspiration. No one ever feels good after reading about Iraq, or seeing photos of genocide victims. But people do feel good after reading US Weekly. They feel good after seeing last nights celebrity party pictures on a gossip blog. Shouldn't we want people to feel good? Shouldn't celebrities want to make us feel good?

So as much as I love Jessica, I have to disagree. I want her to be visible. Because the more visible she is, the more people will be feeling good. And if enough people feel good, maybe they'll start doing good. And if they start doing good, maybe we can all make this whole bag of onions we call a world good as well. It's worth the effort.

So celebrities, paparazzi, get your party on. Let's get some US Weeklys sent to Darfur, post haste. The world needs you now, more than ever.


Wanna go out sometime for milkshakes and fries?

It's Been A While



Sorry, I've had a really busy week. Sometimes, my paying gig is just more important than this fly-by-night operation I call a blog. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you, loyal reader. You're like the mistress I go to after the wife's been riding me all week (and I don't mean "riding" in a good way). Here, on this blog, I can do what I want, and you treat me right. I just hope work doesn't find out about us.

Now that I've taken that metaphor as far as it should possibly go, back to the matters at hand. Hopefully by now the Lost finale has sunk in and you've read my analysis about a zillion times, because you kept checking back here and didn't find anything new. Well, Lost won't be back until 2008, so we'll have to talk about other things.

Like that Democratic debate.

While some members of Congress spoke out “loudly and clearly” last month against legislation to pay for the war through September but without a withdrawal timetable, “others did not,” Edwards said.

“They went quietly to the floor of the Senate, cast the right vote. But there is a difference between leadership and legislating,” Edwards told his rivals during the second Democratic debate.

“I think it’s obvious who I’m talking about,” Edwards said.

Ooh! Bitchslap!

Is it just me, or do you get the feeling Hillary isn't going to invite Edwards over to dinner anytime soon?

One of the more interesting questions was "What would you do with Bill Clinton if you were President?"

Interesting question, Wolf. Because, obviously, Bill Clinton is just an object to be used as the President sees fit. Thanks for pointing that out.

Anyways, unfortunately, Hillary did not go the Sarah Silverman route and say something like "Make him my intern." Instead she said she'd send her husband around the world as a "roving ambassador." That's one way to get rid of him.

In the end, each candidate was asked what they'd do in their first hundred days in office. Surprisingly, no one gave George W's answer, "Chill on the ranch wit my homies while tragically ignoring those Presidential Daily Briefs."

"What I intend to do is to be a president who helps to reshape the world for peace -- to work with all the leaders of the world in getting rid of all nuclear weapons, rejecting policies that create war as an instrument of diplomacy, making sure that we cause the nations of the world to come together for fair trade, cancel NAFTA, cancel the WTO, go back to bilateral trade conditioned on workers' rights and human rights, create a not-for-profit health care system and send the bill to Congress," said Dennis "Mr. Realistic" Kucinich.

"Plus," Kucinich added, "Create a copy of Earth next to this one, in case something happens to the original. Also, I'd like to be able to fly like that guy in Heroes."

Personally, I like Obama a lot better now. Mainly because of things like this:

WOLF: Could it be that the Bush administration's effort to thwart terror at home has been a success?

SEN. OBAMA: No.

My sentiments exactly.

As an example, Obama cited the Atlanta lawyer with drug-resistant TB, who snuck into the country from Canada. I mean, if Dustin Hoffman could corral the monkey from Outbreak, we should have been able to stop this dude.


Hoffman for President??

In other news, Paris Hilton showed up to jail two days early. Probably because this happened the night before:



Ouch.

[PLUS]: Howard Kurtz discovers Facebook.

(Which, by the way, has become wayyy too complicated as of late)

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team Update

The last two weeks have been tough for the Major League Jews. On a positive note, last week hot hebrew prospect Ryan Braun finally made his way to the majors, and started things off going 4 for 11 with a double, a homerun, three RBIs and a stolen base. But an injury to Shawn Green sent him to the Disabled List for the first time in his career. And Elijah Dukes allegedly threatened to kill his wife, which led to a (self-imposed) one week suspension. Kevin Youkilis came up big again, but in Week 8 of the Fantasy Open, the Yalmulke Yankees lost to Team Shutout, 207.5 points - 191. In week 9, despite a fine 23 point week from Braun and a 28 point week from Youkilis, the Green and Elijah-less Jew Crew was blown out by the A-Rod led Red Rooks team, 240 - 143.

Ryan Braun is this week's Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite Of The Week Award-winner.

Totally Lost (again)



After spending some time thinking about that mindf*ck of a season finale, I've finally come up with a conclusion.

These writers are pretty damn brilliant.

No other show in the history of television (and I feel pretty confident asserting this) has inspired so many people to go collectively nuts.

Need an example? How bout this. In the season finale [SPOILER ALERT] Jack becomes unhinged by an obituary he discovers in the newspaper. The viewing audience is never told who it is. With most shows, viewers would just get a bit frustrated and wait patiently for next season to provide an answer. You don't see fans of Grey's Anatomy going through each episode frame by frame on their DVRs, looking for the best resolution view of the medical charts Katherine Heigl is carrying. Although some do freeze frame Katherine Heigl scenes for entirely different reasons.

However, in Lost, everything, no matter how small, is obsessed over by fans on the web. And strangely, the writers and directors of Lost seem to have anticipated this. Rarely is anything found in the background of a scene irrelevant to the story. Readers have found telltale pictures, pertinent books and other mysterious objects hiding in plain view. They're so obsessive they even uncovered the very few unintentional background props, like a flyer from a Hawaiian relief organization, and a Dharma symbol meant to be an inside joke, tattooed darkly on a shark.

And in the season finale, when the obituary was held, ever so briefly, crumpled in front of the camera, the split second was enough for die hard fans to get a very mysterious answer (are there any other kind on lost?) to the question: Who's death was it????


Click for larger images

According to one website, this is what the obit said:

"The body of John Lantham of New York was found shortly after 4 am in the 4300 block of Grand Avenue. Ted Worden, a doorman at the Tower Lofts complex, heard loud noises coming from the victim's loft. Concerned for tenants' safety, he entered the loft and found the body hanging from a beam in the living room. According to Jaime Ortiz, a police spokesman, the incident was deemed a suicide after medical tests. Latham (sic) is survived by one teenaged son. Memorial services will be held at the Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home tomorrow evening."

I found this Wikipedia article on John Latham, an artist. The simularities between his concerns and themes and those found in LOST are hard to ignore. I'm not saying the dead person is the same John Latham, but I am suggesting the name hints at who the dead man is and where this enigmatic TV show is heading. The names of philosophers, artists, writers and biblical figures pop up again and again in Lost, and they allude to themes and issues integral to the show. This particular allusion is a brainout. Read Latham's real obituary. His piece "God is Great," seems to apply to the island's strange mix of different spiritualities. I've got to spend some time thinking how it ties in with my theory.

This person thinks the person in the coffin is Ben. I'm inclined to believe it's Locke, using his reasoning. We saw Locke nearly commit suicide when he thought he was paralyzed again. What if he was forced to leave the island, and was no longer healed? That would be enough to drive him to suicide. And the fact that they share the same first name is hard to ignore.

But one problem. Locke doesn't have a son. Not one we know of yet, anyway. If what we're seeing is 3 years after being rescued, the only "teenage son" we know about is Walt. Meaning John could be Michael. It stands to reason that if Michael was afraid of being found out for committing the murders on the island, he might take the name of one of the other plane crash survivors. He might commit suicide over the guilt he continues to feel. Hatred for Michael and what he did would explain the absence of the Losties at his funeral. Plus, we know Michael is from New York.

Finally, a less likely body could be Ben's. He has a habit of taking other people's names (Henry Gale). But it's sort of hard to picture Ben making it back to the real world and living in a New York city apartment. Can you imagine running into someone that creepy at the dog park?

My crazy theory isn't shot yet. Though we have a whole new bag of worms to deal with. What am I going to do until January 08???

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Update: Week 3

A lot of people called me crazy when I put together an all-Jewish Fantasy Baseball team, and still expected to win. "Adam," they kvetched, "You won't beat anybody with the likes of Brad Ausmus and David Newhan. You better add a nice Christian boy like David DeJesus." Well, guess what. After three weeks, the Major League Jews are second place in the division, winning last week to improve to 2-1 on the year.

The Number Crunchers, led by Albert Pujols, Carlos Beltran and Russell Martin, were no match for the dynamic dreideling duo of Kevin Youkilis and Ryan Zimmerman. These two tallis-wearing youth combined for five doubles, five homeruns, 11 runs, 12 RBIs and 3 walks. Honorary Jew Elijah Dukes contributed two homers and six walks for a 26-point week, and Shawn Green, Ian Kinsler, Lance Berkman and David Eckstein all added double digits. Awesome Ausmus continues to be a workhorse behind the plate, and Scott "Shoe" Shoenweis, despite getting roughed up, saw his Mets pitching staff get quality wins over the Yankees.

All in all, a 167-point week for the boys in white and blue, and a shofar call to the rest of the league. The Maccabees have arrived.

This week, we have our first two-time Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week Award winner. Mazel Tov to Kevin Youkilis, who batted 11 for 27, with 2 2B, 3 HR, 5 R, 7 RBI and a walk.