Bringing Up Baby


Luckily Maria and Tony Never Had Kids. Unluckily, Tony Died.

Child-rearing decisions can be difficult, especially in mixed marriages. Do you raise your baby Jewish or Epicopalian? Teach your tot republican or democratic values? Buy him or her a Red Sox or Yankees one-sie? Two young parents living in Commerce City, Colorado were faced with a similar dilemma.

Was their baby a Crip? Or a Westside Baller?


I'm a Blood, foo'

The mother is a member of the Crips. And the father belongs to the Westside Ballers gang. A real-life West Side Story. Except with considerably less dancing.


To Join This Gang You Need Seven Years Of Ballet And Two Of Jazz Tap.

The two got into a very public argument in a Hollywood Video store. Police arrived on the scene and arrested the father for disorderly conduct. "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" said Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval.

I, for one, hope that the parents are able to put their differences aside and do what's best for their child. Which is, obviously, to induct him into whatever gang this guy belongs to:


Because, Don't You Want To Be On His Good Side?

No word yet from the couple's four-year-old about which gang he'll end up pledging his allegiance to. There are two factors he's considering before making his decision. First, how many of the other gang's members he'll have to cap before earning his colors, and secondly, which gang Cassie the dragon from Dragon Tales belongs to.


She's Actually One Of The Southside Scissors

Whatever he decides, this is likely not the last time he'll be forced to choose between the conflicting views of his two parents. For instance, Mom likes Pepsi, Dad prefers Coke. Which caramel-colored soft drink will he prefer? Or will he rebel and go a different way, staking out his own territory in this crazy mixed up world?

Perhaps he'll choose RC Cola.

Until next time, my Eastside Bagelz brothers, peace out.

A Dazey Weekend In Jersey



On a typical weekend, a cold producing more gunky mucus than Slimer from Ghostbusters would have had me confined to bedrest. But I had committed myself to volunteering at the 6th Anuual Garden State Film Festival, and infection be damned, I honor my committments.

Now, the Garden State Film Festival is not to be confused with the Tribeca Film Festival, which was created by Robert DeNiro and is funded by American Express, among others. The Garden State Film Festival was created by "well known Hollywood actor Robert Pastorelli" (the gruff, but mushy-hearted house painter on the television show Murphy Brown) and is sponsored by the Sixth Avenue House Bed & Breakfast, among others. But I was fully entertained by several of the screened films I got to see. And this little festival that could was a big success for Asbury Park and Jersey actors, writers and filmmakers.

Sure, Asbury Park may not draw the red carpet crowd of lower Manhattan. But I didn't see one film at Tribeca funnier than "Expendable," about a young evil henchman's first day on the job.



And I was impressed by a young actress, Elizabeth King, in "Born To Win," a humorous short by Trey Hock about the true nature of popularity.


The one on the left. One to watch.

I'm pegging her as the poor man's Amanda Bynes. With a bit of Schuyler Fisk thrown in.

And while we're on the subject of quirky short films featuring hot actresses, the Lebanese film Lesson #5 featured a Lebanese actress, May Hariri who's lustful beauty I can only imagine would be censored in most Arabic-speaking countries.



"Lesson Number Five" itself was a strange, but satisfying movie about a Lebanese man who's hired to get U.S. green cards for a group of men, but then discovers it will be more difficult than expected. He makes up elaborate lies in order to dissuade the men from leaving. With comical results (lets just say peroxide, and the planet Mars, both play a signifigant role).

That's the best of what I got to see, but of course, I only saw films at two of the venues. Anyone else go to the festival? I'd love to hear your favorites.

Of course, I go to Tribeca at the end of the month, and will hopefully uncover some gems to tout wayyyy before Entertainment Weekly or Premiere does.