All Heil President Trump

By Robbie Republican

It's been a long time, my fellow Patriots. I've remained mostly silent this Presidential primary season (except for the detailed daily policy debriefings I give to Reagan, my pet wolf) because I've been waiting to see how the Republican nominees responded to the pressures of an election campaign. I'm proud to say that it seems my gut instincts were right all along-- the only man who can lead this country out of the hell it's become under the ego-maniacal dictatorship of Barack Hussein Obama is titan of industry and long-time loyal Republican, Donald John Trump.

What other candidate, Republican or communist, can claim to have been involved in all aspects of American governance? Education? Trump ran his own university. The economy? Trump used his family money to revolutionize industries from meat purveyors (Trump Steaks), to casinos (a proud Native-American tradition). Foreign relations? Trump's so good at nailing foreigners, one married him!

I've taken great pleasure these past few months in watching the democraps self-destruct. It was only a matter of time before they dropped their act pretending to love democracy and started supporting a socialist who can't even afford to tailor his cheap suit. I admit, I got a little worried when I thought they might actually nominate a Jezebel sneaky enough to be a first lady, senator, and secretary of state. Thankfully, it looks like even if Hitlerly Clinton gets the nod, the commies will be too busy crying into their rice fields to vote and Trump will win the Presidency easily.

Imagine it. With Trump in charge, and a Republican Congress, there's no limit to what we can accomplish. A gun in every home and a baby in every rape victim. A Supreme court led by the esteemed Rush Limbaugh. No more he shes perving up our bathrooms--and gay people shoved back in the closet. Imagine it. Donald Trump standing on the shore of Ellis Island, watching all the boats full of immigrants leave our shores forever. Kicking Barack Hussein Obama back to his Kenyan homeland. Finally achieving the vision our forefathers had when they gathered in a church and penned those immortal words, "All men are created by God and if you don't believe in Jesus, get out."

Recently, I was checking the bathroom stalls in the ladies' room for queers when I had a revelation. What if Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus? All the pieces fit. Jesus was an only son. Trump was an only son. Jesus walked on water. Trump bottled water. Jesus won over 12 skeptical disciples--Trump won over 12 primary opponents. God spoke through a burning bush--Trump spoke and burned Jeb Bush.

Jesus Christ even has the same number of letters as Donald Trump!

This revelation shook me to the core. Ever since Saddam Hussein passed Obamacare and turned millions of Americans over to feminazi death squads, there have been signs the world as we know it is ending. Now it seems the Messiah has come to cleanse this world and establish heaven on Earth.

My brain nearly exploded when I remembered that the book of Revelation says the Jews will sacrifice themselves to hold off the Antichrist's army long enough for the forces of heaven to triumph. What if... what if this Jew from Vermont, Bernie David, is the martyr the Bible was talking about? What if Hillary was the Antichrist of whom prophecy spoke?

I apologize, readers. I usually don't get too religious. But all this is impossible to ignore. Even half of those demorats call Hillary the devil!

Those Bernie Bolsheviks are right about one thing. Revolution is coming. I, for one, will be spending more time in church in the months ahead. Not just for the free change they pass around on those silver plates. I must repent for not supporting our Lord and Savior sooner. Forgive me, Lord, I was blinded by Megyn Kelly.