A More Healthy Nation



By Robbie Republican, guest blogger

My fellow patriots. We find ourselves at a pivotal moment of American history. When good men are called upon to fight a menace to our society far greater than the war machines of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. I'm talking, of course, about the battle against Barack Hussein Obama's communist health care plan.

As you've probably heard, Obama's plan will euthanize anyone over the age of 65. American citizens will be forced to donate their organs to Mexican immigrants. In addition, small children will be taken from their mothers and raised in a secret Democratic party brainwashing camp, where they will be taught to marry members of the same sex and worship Al Gore.

Well, I for one won't stand for it. And I'm not alone. As Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) recently said about the health care bill, "This cannot pass... What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists..."

That's right. Slit our wrists. Because that's how badly we need to sink this health care bill. Sure, the few without health insurance will die because of undiagnosed hemophilia, and be forced to pay for their hospital stays in full, but it'll be worth it to prove to those fat cats in Washington just how committed we are to making sure no one gets free health care.

Because right now, as Bachman so eloquently puts it, Obama and the Democrats are "reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom." By giving Americans the option of signing up for free health care, they hope to abolish the legislative branch and install Obama as "Lord and Emperor Almighty, Eternal Leader of the Democratic States of Ameristan." It's a clumsy title, I know, but I didn't come up with it, the commies did.

Just imagine a world in which the Democrats' health care plan passes. The tortures Nazi Pelosi has dreamed up cause my skin to crawl (small children may want to leave the room).

Pelosi says that under Obama's bill, millions of uninsured Americans will suddenly become eligible for something she calls a "checkup." According to my research, it would go something like this: Unfortunate Americans would be required to divulge their entire life history on several forms. Then, they'd be held in a windowless room with nothing more than Readers' Digest magazines from 1998. Upon their name being called, they'd be forced to empty their bladder into a tiny plastic cup, which the torturers would collect for further study. They would then be transferred to a small room where they would be forced to disrobe and sit on a hard slab table covered in tissue paper.

Then the torture would really begin. Popsicle sticks shoved down their throats and bright lights inserted into their ear canals. Their knees will be beaten with rubber mallets, just for kicks. Then these pour souls will be probed with a cold metal torture device called a "Stethoscope," and be forced to cough on command. Finally, in an act of pure malice, their arms will be stabbed and their blood will be collected, presumably to feed the new "Vampire-Homo hybrids" Democrat scientists have invented. Fruits with fangs? That's where the rainbow of health care leads.

I know, I know. I'm shaking with fear too. But when something makes us afraid, we can't shrink back and let it win. We have to stand and fight. And if the other side has more supporters, and more evidence backing them up, well then we have to fight dirty. Even if it means lying about the thing we fear, so other people will begin to fear it too, and join us in our battle.

So spread the lies, true Americans. Say Obama's plan calls for hydrochloric acid to be included in school lunches. Tell your neighbor about Obama's plan to steal guide dogs from blind people. Send an email blast out to your coworkers about Pelosi's proposal to add a hammer and sickle to the American flag. Remember... once its on the internet, it's true.

It's what any good, honest, God-fearing American should do.

Until next time patriots, stay healthy, especially if you're uninsured. And God bless you.