Adam's Life

2012-01-25T08:08:00.009-05:00

In Memoriam: SOPA and PIPA

SOPA and PIPA--two bills that Hollywood said would save their industry, and that the Internet community argued would destroy theirs--are dead. SOPA and PIPA supporter Gavin Polone, a producer of Zombieland and Curb Your Enthusiasm, among others, writes an angry eulogy of sorts over at the New York Magazine website:

Mark Zuckerberg, Craig Newmark, the Google guys, and all of the other tech superstars slammed it to those traditional media companies promoting the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA) last week, managing to stop the bills. They are so fucking smart and cool. They are also so fucking wrong.

Hey, Gavin, watch the language! This is a family-friendly blog!

According to them, these laws will result in censorship, undo economic hardship for their companies, and a breakdown of Internet security. If you believe them, you haven’t read the law and are ignoring common sense.

I did read the laws. You can too, here: SOPA, PIPA.

Luckily, you don't need to go too far in before you start finding problems. Like the definitions page:

(5) DOMESTIC INTERNET SITE- The term `domestic Internet site' means an Internet site for which the corresponding domain name or, if there is no domain name, the corresponding Internet Protocol address, is a domestic domain name or domestic Internet Protocol address.

(6) FOREIGN DOMAIN NAME- The term `foreign domain name' means a domain name that is not a domestic domain name.

(7) FOREIGN INTERNET PROTOCOL ADDRESS- The term `foreign Internet Protocol address' means an Internet Protocol address that is not a domestic Internet protocol address.

(8) FOREIGN INTERNET SITE- The term `foreign Internet site' means an Internet site that is not a domestic Internet site.

These definitions only seem sufficient if you have no idea how the web works. Take Bit.ly for example, a popular website used for shortening domain names for sites like Twitter. Technically, the .ly part means this website is controlled by the country Libya. But the site is actually based in the Meatpacking District of New York City, and has nothing to do with Libya (the .ly site now redirects to bitly.com). This is only one example-- many sites, including Google, Facebook and others, have domain names registered to other countries. Are these "foreign sites?" If you're a lawyer, you could argue that they are, based on the definitions laid out in SOPA and PIPA. And SOPA and PIPA don't treat "foreign" sites that nicely.

This is just one example of the sloppiness of these bills.

Most people can agree that movies and music shouldn't be illegally downloaded for free. They understand that enormous sums of money and lots of hard work are used to produce this material, and downloading it from a file-sharing site is stealing.

But SOPA and PIPA were badly written laws. "Common sense" tells us that these bills should target the sites that host these copyrighted files and allow them to be downloaded. This is not what SOPA and PIPA do. Instead, they're written so broadly (with terribly vague terminology and a lack of understanding of technical terms) that they can be used to shut down legitimate sites like Reddit, Facebook, Wikipedia and YouTube that host user submitted content that occasionally includes some copyrighted material.

It's the equivalent of shutting down all of Times Square because some people on the corner are selling pirated DVDs. Why not arrest the guys selling the DVDs instead of closing the whole area?

Hollywood was attempting to go nuclear with SOPA and PIPA, when they really should have gone for a targeted approach. They set themselves back by overreaching, and the internet masses made them pay for it.

Hollywood should work together with the major internet players and experts on information technology to draft legislation that would specifically target the bad guys, without holding website owners responsible for the rogue actions of a few lawbreakers that use their site.

They can also change their antiquated business model, by providing what the people want-- a cheap and quick way to download movies and music for home use, and a way to share that with a circle of close friends.

Law can be a blunt instrument, if written by people who lack the understanding of the industry they're trying to regulate. With SOPA and PIPA, Hollywood was going for something far too splashy, far too big.

Hopefully Hollywood's next attempt will be less "summer blockbuster" and more "art house indie film."

2012-01-24T08:03:00.007-05:00

Broken Gronk? Don't Believe It, Giants

Gronkowski wearing boot on lower left leg

Jan 23, 6:29 pm EST

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. (AP)—New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is wearing a removable boot on his lower left leg after being injured in the AFC championship game.

Gronkowski wore the boot as he walked through the locker room and into the trainer’s area on Monday. He did not speak with reporters.

The second-year star, who set an NFL record for a tight end with 17 touchdown catches, was hurt in the final minute of the third quarter of Sunday’s 23-20 win when he was tackled after a 23-yard reception. He limped off the field but seemed to be walking better as he went to the locker room. Less than five minutes later, Gronkowski was back in the game.

He finished with five catches for 87 yards.

Hmm... the key to the Patriots offense in a walking boot prior to the Superbowl against the Giants. Where have I heard this before??

Oh yeah: Broken Brady? Don't Believe It, Giants.

Last time these two teams met in the Superbowl, it ended with my friends and I parading through the Manhattan streets, shouting "18-1" into well-known Boston fan bars.

I'm hoping for a repeat.

2012-01-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

SOPA Is What Happens When Old People Are In Charge

You may have noticed some of your favorite sites are down today. No Reddit. No Wikipedia. The Google Logo looks like this:

SOPA stands for the Stop Online Piracy Act. So does this mean that Reddit, Wikipedia, and Google are all for online pirates? Hardy har har and a bottle o' rum, lets download episodes of Glee illegally!

Actually, no. The thing is, SOPA is a noble pursuit. It's an attempt by the government to prevent people from stealing and distributing copyrighted material for free. If you're a writer, and actor, a singer, a painter, or basically anyone who has ever created any unique work, you have an interest in making sure you control the distribution of that work-- especially if it's a multimillion-dollar movie.

There is already a process by which content creators can get copyrighted material removed: they submit a request to a site to take down the copyrighted material, and if the order is refused, only then do the courts get involved. Owners of websites that feature user-generated content are not forced to keep track of the hundreds of uploads that people make to their sites everyday. Only when a request is filed do they need to find and remove that content.

SOPA defenders say this different from how copyright protection works in the real world. Those found knocking off Louis Vuttons in Chinatown don't get to withdraw their merchandise for sale and avoid prosecution. People found selling pirated DVDs on the street or filming new movies in theaters are put in jail.

SOPA seeks to even that playing field. It's treating websites the same as those guys.

The problem is, it's the wrong analogy. Website owners aren't that guy selling fake Jean Paul Gautlier cologne on the street... they are the street. SOPA is essentially threatening to close down Times Square because there's a guy with a suitcase full of fake Rolexes walking around there. That's what makes no sense.

Sites like Reddit, Wikipedia, YouTube, Facebook, thousands of others are merely virtual streets on which strangers and friends exchange information. If you hold the street responsible for the actions of a few of those people, we're all being punished. Can you imagine Facebook being shut down because one guy in Florida posted a video of The Little Mermaid? That's what SOPA will allow to happen.

If this page goes dark, this image will be why.

Meanwhile, what happens to that mermaid-loving Floridian? Absolutely nothing. The street is shut down, and the criminal simply goes distributing his wares on another street.

The thing is, the folks on the hill have no clue. They don't understand what the big deal is. This is because 100% of them were born before the internet as we knew it existed. This is because the majority of them have assistants do all their web research and emailing. This is because most of them think the internet is a connected series of tubes.

To these people, each website is a person, responsible for what appears on it. And every one of these websites is exactly the same. They can all easily filter out any copyrighted material without affecting their performance.

Is it easy to filter out that stuff? Go on YouTube. They've been employing copyright filters for years, and stuff stiff slips by. People reverse the image. They film off a TV. They recut a longer piece into shorter segments. YouTube can ban people, they can ban whole IP addresses, but they can't keep the ship airtight. In trying to do so, they may inadvertently ban parody videos, tributes, other things legally broadcasted under copyright law's the "fair use" exemption. Is it really fair to shut YouTube down if a My Little Pony episode sneaks through their filters? And keep in mind, YouTube is one of the largest sites out there, with tons of employees. What chance does a little website have?

The RIAA went after thousands of individuals for sharing their music over sites like Napster, Kazaa and Limewire-- which was boneheaded and fruitless, but at least legally defensible. SOPA makes criminals out of innocent people.

SOPA would make website owners deathly afraid of their users... in some cases, it could cause them to shutter their pages entirely, rather than face jail time at the hands of overzealous prosecutors. That's what SOPA critics are calling censorship. And I'm inclined to agree.

2012-01-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

Probably Time To Update The Costa Concordia Google Listing

"Experience the Costa Concordia cruise ship for a cruise vacation you will never forget."

Yikes.

2011-11-22T08:41:00.007-05:00

Almost Got Me...

I received an email today:

Hello Your package has been returned to the USPS office. Reason: "Incorrect delivery address" Please print out the invoice copy attached and collect the package at our office. Thank you.
USPS Global Services.

Sounds good, I'll just download this file and...

Wait.

What package? I didn't send anything. And... a .zip file? Curious. And... the email says USPS, but it's marked with a "via srs.kundenserver.de."

All this stuff tips off a savvy e-mail user. Something's not right. So I did what I usually do in these situations...

To Google!

And I find this: Ups Virus Warning

So be careful this holiday season. Good rule of thumb... never download a .zip file. Ever.

2011-11-21T08:42:00.006-05:00

Love Of Deep Dish Pizza May Have Killed CIA Agents, Informants In Iran, Lebanon

This is not a funny story: CIA Spies Caught, Fear Execution

If these agents are executed, it's a tragedy of epic proportions. If the government of Iran can somehow put a kibosh on the killings (perhaps in exchange for recent sanctions against Iran being reconsidered), it's still a major blow to American intelligence operations in the Middle East.

The craziest part is that the spies may have been compromised due to the location where they repeatedly (and seemingly without deviation) chose to meet:

In Beirut, two Hezbollah double agents pretended to go to work for the CIA. Hezbollah then learned of the restaurant where multiple CIA officers were meeting with several agents, according to the four current and former officials briefed on the case. The CIA used the codeword "PIZZA" when discussing where to meet with the agents, according to U.S. officials. Two former officials describe the location as a Beirut Pizza Hut. A current US official denied that CIA officers met their agents at Pizza Hut.

From there, Hezbollah's internal security arm identified at least a dozen informants, and the identities of several CIA case officers...

One former senior intelligence official told ABC News that CIA officers ignored warnings that the operation could be compromised by using the same location for meetings with multiple assets.

"We were lazy and the CIA is now flying blind against Hezbollah," the former official said.

Lazy? Or just in love with deep dish... or stuffed crust? It's not something to laugh about, but something that just makes you shake your head and wonder. Isn't it common sense not to always meet in the same place?

After all, the pizza's not even that good.

This never would have happened if they just ordered in Domino's.

2011-11-11T08:02:00.022-05:00

Joe Paterno And The General's Daughter

I have quite a few Penn State friends. Did they all initially have rational reactions to the news that their college was covering up for a serial child rapist? No. But it seems, days later, that cooler heads have prevailed, and most of them realize that Joe Paterno, as beloved as he was, had no choice but to leave.

However, school spirit dies hard, and I get the sense that many of them still don't quite understand why they should be mad at Paterno, the kindly old man who "lived in the same McKee St. house for decades. Chatted with us as he walked to practice. Ate ice cream with us at the Creamery. We have studied in the new library wing his money helped build. We have visited the sports museum and spiritual center he also helped build. We have seen him cheering on other Penn State athletes..."

I suggest these people rent "The General's Daughter."

It's not a great movie by any means, filmed at the tail end of John Travolta's cinematic comeback, right before Battlefield Earth sent him back to the C-list. But the flick, about a rape that occurs on a military base, has a plot not dissimilar from what happened at Penn State. A university, in particular a large, football-crazy institution like Penn State, resembles a military outfit in many ways, except with more keggers and pot smoking. In fact, the most popular defense of Joe Paterno's actions, invoked on this lawyer's blog, for example, invokes the phrase "After contacting his chain of command superiors, he let them do their jobs."

In The General's Daughter, John Travolta investigates after a highly respected general's daughter is found naked, legs and arms spread out and staked into the ground with tent poles, strangled to death. Yikeys.

Now, if you don't like spoilers, you might want to skip past this next paragraph and the video.

What Travolta discovers is that the general's daughter was actually recreating something that had happened to her back at West Point. During a training exercise, she was gang-raped by a group of soldiers. She reported this to a man she loved and trusted. Her father, the general. What did this man she loved and trusted do? He covered it up. Thinking it would be tough to get a rape conviction, and not wanting to sully the reputation of West Point, he makes the whole thing go away. The daughter, scarred from the incident, recreates the scene years later to give her father "something he can't cover up," but her father walks away, leaving her there. The daughter is then discovered by one of her original rapists, who kills her. Travolta, who previously admired and respected the general, lays the blame where it falls:

Travolta and his partner, meanwhile, have no problem tracking down and convicting all of the men who raped the general's daughter... if only they'd been able to do it sooner. Meanwhile, the person who could have saved the general's daughter finds his career destroyed, his life's work tarnished.

This is what a cover-up does. It allows an already tragic situation to get far worse. In both The General's Daughter, and at Penn State, a trusted, beloved figure had the power to save lives-- and they didn't.

Maybe Paterno truly did believe, at first, that the "chain of command" would remedy the situation. But as the years passed (and Jerry Sandusky raped more and more boys), he certainly could no longer believe that. Did his love of Penn State, and his friendship with his longtime co-coach trump his concern for a child's welfare?

Why should Penn Staters feel angry at Paterno? The same reason John Travolta feels so much anger towards the "villain" in The General's Daughter. This "villain" may not have committed the actual rape and murder, but he betrayed the trust, love, and respect of the person who came to him for help. In a place where "Joe Pa" is the general, he was the one the witness of this rape went to for advice on what to do. The right thing for the child would have been to call the police. All of us know this. We also know, sadly, what "Joe Pa" did instead.

So, Penn State fans, watch The General's Daughter and when the credits roll, ask yourself this: Do you forgive the "villian?" Or are you as angry as Travolta is? Then ask yourself if what Paterno did is really so different.

Actually, it is.

What Paterno did happened in real life.

2011-10-18T17:19:00.001-04:00

What Happens When You Fall For The Free Starbucks/iPad/Anything Facebook Scam

Never a good sign when you log into Facebook and your newsfeed looks like this:

While it would be wonderful to believe that somehow, EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW, is in on a GREAT, UNBELIEVABLE FREE DEAL, when you see this sort of thing happening, red flags should immediately go up.

First, you should be struck at how many of your friends, including people you barely know, are touting the deal. This may include people who normally don't post things at all. People who haven't posted a status update in years. Why now?

Second, look at that deal. $50! That's like 10 coffees! Unbelievable! Yes, unbelievable.

Third, look at the web address. Something odd. While they all sound, vaguely coffee-related... they're all different. And don't have that comforting ".com" address.

This is because it's a scam. Here's what happens when you click it.

First, it insists that you share the deal with all of your friends in order to "activate" the freebee. This is why you see so many people sharing the link. This step comes before people may realize things are amiss. Sheeple! Bah bah!

Then, it leads to a site that asks you to take a survey. This site surreptitiously loads tracking software onto your computer (most browsers will not warn you about this). It does this EVEN IF YOU DON'T FILL OUT THE SURVEY. From this moment on, any move you make online will be tracked by whomever created the survey page. And guess what, it wasn't Starbucks.

The survey will ask for personal information. This information is used to figure out how old you are, where you live, what your email address is, what your passwords are, what credit cards and banks you use... etc. With this full portrait, some guy in Nigeria, or elsewhere, can easily impersonate you online. They may use your information to hack into your email and accounts, steal money from you and the people you know.

If you clicked on the link:

1. Immediately clear your cookies and internet cache.

2. Run a (reliable) anti virus program to make sure your computer hasn't been infected with malware (bad software).

3. Then change your Facebook password, email password, and any other passwords you believe may have been compromised (any site you visited after clicking the link).

4. Finally, warn others that the link is indeed a scam. Report it to Facebook.

In the end, a scam is very easy to spot. If Starbucks, or any other business, was to offer a deal, they'd offer it on their official Facebook page or website. If the deal is coming from somewhere else, it's not legit.

Second, look at what they're giving away: $50 Fifty Dollars!?!?! A free iPad???! These are incredibly generous giveaways, far beyond what one would expect from an American business (have you even been following Occupy Wall Street?) Even Groupon only takes off 50%, and that's often fraudulent.

Starbucks, Apple, and other companies would never give away so much of their product for free. Scammers rely on American greed to spread their scams far and wide. If they simply offered a 10% off coupon, their scam would seem more realistic, but it wouldn't be enough to motivate a lot of people to fill out the whole survey and go through the entire process.

If you see a deal that's too good to be true, it is. That's a rule of thumb you should always follow.

If you really want to be a wishful thinker, at least do yourself the favor of Googling the deal, and visiting the corporate website first. You can check out mainstream media too-- if a deal this big really was being offered, it would certainly be covered.

Think before you link. You'll be thankful you did.

2011-10-12T08:45:00.015-04:00

Who's Searching For You On Facebook?

Ever want to know who's looking you up on Facebook but not requesting you as a friend? Just click on "People You May Know" on your Facebook's homepage.

Facebook draws these "People You May Know" from several different sources, not just your email contacts or address book.

"People You May Know helps you find people you are likely to know. We show you people based on mutual friends, work and education information, networks you’re part of, contacts you’ve imported using friend finder and many other factors."

The most obvious of these other sources, and least controversial, is people with whom you have mutual friends. Some kid who has 45 friends in common with you is most likely someone you know.

Then of course, Facebook knows who works at the same company, or goes to the same school as you, from the info that appears in your profile.

Perhaps less obvious, they also know your IP address, so people using the same internet connection as you may pop up (now you know who's stealing your WiFi.)

However, you may notice suggested people with whom you have no mutual friends. People who aren't in your address book. People who share no school or affiliation that you've listed on your profile. People who have never used your internet connection. You may notice, though, that some of these people do, in fact, look familiar. They may be an acquaintance, a waiter at a restaurant you like, your landlord. You don't even know their last name! How the heck did Facebook know they might know you?

Does Zuckerberg have a zeppelin in the sky from which he watches and records our every human interaction?

Possibly. But that's not how they come to suggest these people. They suggest them because that person has searched for your name on Facebook. According to the internet message board chatter.

Take a moment for that to sink in. Now recall all the people you may have looked up on Facebook, including ex-girlfriends, the hot barista down at the Starbucks, that guy who lives in apartment 12 B. If you typed their name into Facebook's search box, you will pop up on their "People You May Know" list.

Just remember, when you search on Facebook, you're not searching anonymously. You're tipping off whoever you're searching for. You're letting them know you've been looking for their profile.

Rumors are circulating that Facebook is even sending emails to these people, saying that you'd like them to join Facebook. While not confirmed, this is pretty alarming.

Up until now, most of the warnings surrounding Facebook have centered around the information you choose to reveal. This however, goes much deeper-- Facebook using information you had no idea was being revealed at all... and giving you no choice to protect your privacy.

2011-10-04T08:26:00.007-04:00

Someone Is Holding Time Warner Cable Hostage For Free Cable

UPDATE (10:03 AM 10/6): And I'm in the Village Voice! Also, cable went out again last night. Is the super up to more shenanigans?

UPDATE (3:10 PM): The Cable and Internet are back! Either Time Warner broke into the building or caved and gave the super what he wanted. Now I can go back to griping about a faceless cable company instead of griping about some random guy.

I live in the East Village. My Internet and Cable have been out since yesterday. I missed last night's Yankees game. I couldn't watch Monday Night Football. My friend in London who is using a Slingbox connected to my TV to watch American television is stuck watching episodes of bizarre British game shows.

I called Time Warner Cable. I was instantly hit with a recorded message that there's a service outage in my area affecting internet, cable, phone, you name it. The message said the service reps have no additional information. I waited on hold to speak with one anyway. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

Finally, I connected with a service rep. He sounded young. Stumbled a little bit over the script he was reading. I assume he's new. This will be important in a moment. I asked him what the heck was happening. And he told me this:

The box that controls the cable, internet, pretty much everything else for Time Warner Cable in my area of the East Village is located in the basement of a building. In order to service this box, Time Warner Cable needs to contact the super of the building and be let in.

The super of the building, according to the service rep, REFUSES TO LET TIME WARNER INSIDE.

"Why is he refusing?" I asked.

"He wants free cable," the rep responded.

Apparently, Time Warner has tried to reason with the man, but he refuses to budge. Today, he's refused to answer the door or his phone. He's cut off all communication.

"It's a very unusual situation," the rep said.

This pisses me off to no end. So some super on a power trip is the reason that myself and who knows how many others can't watch TV or go online. We all have to pay, and this super asshole thinks he's entitled to free internet because Time Warner has a box in his building. The super doesn't give a damn that he's screwing all the rest of us.

"Where's the building?" I asked.

Now, an experienced rep, I would imagine, would never tell this information. But I'm guessing the friendly script laid out in front of the reps doesn't cover a scenario where a rogue super holds his community's cable service hostage.

"It's on 2nd Ave. I'm not sure I should tell you the exact address," the rep said.

"I understand," I said. "It's just that its ridiculous that one man should stop everybody else from getting cable."

"Yes sir," the rep agreed. "How close are you to 2nd Ave.?"

"I live between 1st and 2nd, closer to 2nd. I'd love to go over there and try to speak with the super to help resolve this."

"Well," the rep said, "I can't see any reason I can't give you the address."

I can see a few reasons. And for those reasons, I won't post the address here. Yet.

Should I call the guy and try to end this standoff? Visit the address and knock on the door? Release the address? Or just the Super's name, so I can publicly shame the guy?

Or should I do nothing, hope Time Warner Cable gives the guy free cable before I get home from work?

Help me decide, America.

2011-09-23T08:48:00.002-04:00

Is It Too Late For Peace In The Middle East??

"The two great tragedies in modern Middle Eastern politics, which make you wonder if God wants Middle East peace or not, were [Yitzhak] Rabin's assassination and [Ariel] Sharon's stroke." --Former President Bill Clinton

I agree with Bill 100%. He points out that Rabin and Sharon were the only leaders of Israel willing to make a hugely unpopular decision in order to secure a peace deal: give up the vast majority of the West Bank, including East Jerusalem.

If you've ever been to Israel, you know why this proposition is so frightening to Israelis. Israel is not a large country--at its narrowest point, only 9.3 miles--and every inch of territory they give up provides potential terrorists with a variety of new targets easily reachable by rockets and suicide bombers. East Jerusalem is literally on top of the holiest place in the Jewish religion. The Arab market and the Jewish one are only footsteps from each other. If the Palestinian Authority has control of such strategic areas, then all of Israel is threatened should Arab armies try to destroy the country (as they've already attempted to do at least twice).

These are legitimate fears, but they are fears that come with a cost. That cost is a lasting peace agreement, Israel's only realistic hope for continued survival.

As a leader, Netanyahu has used these fears to justify settlement building in the West Bank and East Jerusalem, which has accelerated at a pace not seen since Israel's initial founding. The territory these settlements occupy are like long roots reaching deep into the West Bank, and they complicate the reality of a viable Palestinian state. Just look at this mess:

(VIA the New York Times)

The orange areas are the largest concentrations of settlements (red dots are all the settlements). Can you see why the Palestinians are a bit bothered by Netanyahu's stance? The settlements are a land grab, even if you want to call it a "buffer zone."

It is Netanyahu's actions--primarily his support and encouragement of the growing settlements-- that led to today's dramatic events: Palestine has asked to be formally recognized as a country by the U.N.

The request from Abbas comes amidst a U.N. that is increasingly willing to accept it. And that willingness doesn't arise from anti-semitism, it arises from Israel's failure over the past few years to show even the slightest willingness in negotiating a settlement. Netanyahu hasn't even maintained the status quo-- he's actively been promoting new settlements which make a peace deal that much harder to reach.

Such a policy may be popular among right-wing Israelis, and even moderate and liberal Israelis do not exactly trust the idea of "land for peace." But by acting as an instigator, instead of a voice of reason, Netanyahu has seriously undermined any real effort to bring Israel and Palestine to a workable compromise at the bargaining table.

What has Netanyahu's hard line stance has accomplished? Besides win him votes? Israel's popularity and negotiating position within the world community has declined, the Palestinians are closer than ever to creating a nation on their terms, rather than a negotiated settlement with Israel, and the relationship between Israel and its greatest, most important ally, the United States is strained considerably.

Assuring Israel's security is one thing. Undermining Israel's security to win elections and score points with the powerful ultra-religious lobby is another. A peace agreement assures Israel that it has a leg to stand on. The current situation leaves Israel continually twisting in the wind, at the mercy of politics and the whims of world leaders.

Clinton, Rabin and Sharon all understood this. They recognized that a peace deal wouldn't just create a Palestinian state... it would forever legitimize the Israeli one.

2011-09-20T08:22:00.041-04:00

Pity The Millionaires

By Robbie Republican

Hello my fellow patriots. You're looking well, for now. I say, "for now," because if Obama and the devil spawn of the Democratic party has their way, all of us will soon be reduced to dressing in rags and mining for scraps of food in the bottom of our neighbors' trash cans in order to survive.

Obama's nefarious plan to fix the economy is two fold. First, spend nearly a half a trillion government dollars to fund construction projects, invest in new technologies and train new workers. Secondly, raise taxes on people making a million dollars a year or more.

I know, I know. I feel your outrage. Obama (Hussein) is basically proposing the same thing that criminal Robin Hoodlum did back in the day. Robbing the rich, who use their wealth for so many great things, and giving their money to the greedy, immoral poor, who will only use it to spend on things like drugs and hookers. No wonder my good friend Bill O'Reilly is threatening to quit if the legislation is enacted.

Rep. John Fleming (R-La.) is a perfect example of who this policy will hurt. He makes only a paltry $174,000 a year for his service to the country. And he barely makes $6.3 million a year from investments, his Subway franchises, and UPS stores. 6.3!!! That's such a tiny, tiny number!!

That's not all. With his tiny, minuscule income, King John needs to support his 500 employees, all of who DEMAND at at least $7.25 an hour for spreading mustard on turkey and licking stamps. He also has to pay for rent, equipment and supplies for the stores he owns. After that, he must spend nearly half a million dollars to buy new properties, create new stores and hire more workers. Would you believe this vicious cycle leaves him with only $200,000 to spend on food for his family?

I believe, because John Fleming is a rich man, and rich men are always honest and never exaggerate. Imagine how you and I would live if we only had $200,000 a year to spend on food for our family. I don't even want to imagine it. We'd probably have to fire our chef and eat at Denny's.

If John is struggling to get by now, just imagine what happens if Obama raises taxes on millionaires. John would be forced to close all his stores and fire all his employees. He'd have no choice but to abandon his mansion (who would be able to afford to buy it?) and live on the streets with his wife and their four adult children.

Meanwhile, all that government money gives the poor more money for drugs and pornography. John, his wife and four children now have to face an apocalyptic wasteland in which gangs of cracked out rapists roam the countryside, leaving a trail of wanton destruction and misery in their wake.

I dare not speculate further. There may be children reading this. But fear not. The Republicans will never let it happen, because unlike Democrats, we care about our country.

See, Republicans like me know the truth. The only way to save the economy is to stop giving so much money to the poor. We need to get rid of medicare and medicaid, get rid of the social security shell game, close public schools, eliminate affordable housing, and stop providing welfare. With all those crutches gone, the poor will instantly drape themselves in the finest suits and dresses (which I just know they have hiding in their closets), and will finally start trying to find jobs.

Where will they find jobs? Well, use the money we save to give another government bailout for mega corporations and millionaires. John Fleming will no longer have to fear his family going hungry. If John has only 500 sandwich makers and UPS drivers now, just think of how many he can hire if we make the Bush tax cuts permanent and reward the rich with even more money? Think of all the jobs that will be created! If we play our cards right, we can have a Subway restaurant on every street corner in America and they'll even deliver subs to your door via... you guessed it, UPS! By the Lord Jesus Christ, no one will go hungry again!

Because that's the way the economy works. Make the rich richer and it all trickles down, solving poverty and world hunger in one fell swoop. Heck, we even get to all be as healthy as that Jared guy. National Healthcare, get bent.

It hasn't happened yet, of course. Not yet. But once the Republicans are in charge again, it'll definitely happen. This time. Unlike the other times we tried it. Because this time will be different than the previous times. No Enron or Lehman Brothers to screw it up this time. Trickle down, this time for sure. It'll be proven correct, mark my words.

'Till next time, as always, I'm Robbie Republican. See you around the country club... for now.

2011-08-17T08:47:00.009-04:00

Airline To Offer "Weep Warnings" To Passengers

Virgin Atlantic airlines announced today that they will flash "weep warnings" before the beginning of emotional films shown aboard their flights.

I could have used that before watching "Up" on one flight. I had to hide my tears from the hot chick next to me, and it wasn't easy.

Dammit, just cried again now watching this clip.

Thank you, Virgin Atlantic, for looking out for my tear ducts!

Of course, the weep warning system isn't quite perfected yet:

"The movies "Water For Elephants" and "Just Go With It" will be the first films to carry the warnings."

"Just Go With It?" Well, according to the reviews, I guess there's a chance you'll cry over the state of Adam Sandler's career.

2011-08-02T17:38:00.003-04:00

Jews and Muslims, So Happy Together?

The controversy over opening a Palestinian chicken restaurant next to the sacred land of Goldblatt's Deli may never end, but in America, there's no greater friend to Muslims than the Jews.

That's according to a recent study conducted by the Abu Dhabi Gallup Center.

Whereas only 56% of Protestants believe Muslims living in the U.S. are loyal to the country, 80% of Jews do. Protestants and Catholics are far more likely to believe Muslims are sympathetic to the goals of Al-Qaeda.

Of course, Jews know all too well the results of blaming an entire religious group for all of a nation's ills.

So let us break challah and pita together, and dip them in hummus, and lay the blame for the world's craziness where it really belongs.

The British.

2011-07-20T17:39:00.002-04:00

Point of No Return

"Just as a consumer with a lower credit score has to pay higher interest rates on their credit card, a downgrade of the Treasury's debt rating would raise the cost of borrowing. That would increase the nation's interest payments on fresh debt, driving the government even deeper into deficit." -MSNBC

Keeping the debt ceiling the way it is won't reduce debt. It will increase it. All Congress needs to do is do what they've always done for every other president since the beginning of time, including President Bush I and II and President Reagan. The Republicans refuse. Because?

Well, two theories.

One, they really are that stupid. They really do think that debt ceiling and debt are the same thing, and by refusing to raise the ceiling, they're somehow magically reducing debt.

Two, they really want this disaster. They hope for it. With the economy finally starting to recover, they see their chances of power slipping away. If the country crashes, they can play the blame game and convince people it's somehow all the democrats fault.

Anyone have a reason that actually makes the Republicans look smart and not evil? Let me know. I'd love to hear it.

2011-07-14T08:34:00.004-04:00

Apocalypse Now

Obama walked out on Eric Cantor yesterday. Good for him.

Keeping the debt ceiling the same will not reduce the national debt. It will not create jobs or end welfare once and for all. The only thing it will do is cause the United States to lose it's position of power in the world, most likely permanently.

Why? Well, lets put it this way. Having debt is bad. Not paying your debts... that's worse.

Unless the debt ceiling is raised, the U.S. will not have enough cash to meet it's financial obligations. Which, yes, includes entitlements and checks for government workers (republicans don't really give a crap about that), but which also includes people who hold American bonds. Bonds are the things the United States sells when they need to borrow... they're like an IOU. People buy those IOUs because they know the United States is good for it. The U.S. is good for it because they can always issue more bonds to raise money to pay off those cashing in their bonds. Yes, the U.S. borrows money to pay it's debts. Maybe you've done the same thing, asking your parents for some money to pay off your credit card bill.

If the U.S. can no longer borrow money to pay its workers or impoverished people, the thinking goes, they will also not be able to pay bondholders. Those IOUs become worthless slips of paper. And that's when everybody stops buying U.S. bonds. And that's when the people who own U.S. bonds get mad that they're never getting their money back. And most of those bond holders are other countries with only friendly-because-its-financially-prudent ties to us.

Do you see where I'm going with this? We don't raise the debt ceiling, suddenly our government doesn't get paid. And while it's nice to pretend the people who help run this country would gladly work for free... that's not the case. Social services, protective services, everything we rely on to keep us safe begins to fall apart. The impoverished people of this country suddenly lose their homes. Families starve. Inevitable backlash ensues. Violence. Chaos.

Then the other countries who hold our bonds, China, Saudi Arabia, no longer have any financial incentive to help us in any way. Terrorism efforts fall by the wayside. Even our soldiers don't get paid.

America falls to pieces. And the pieces are so worthless nobody wants to pick them up.

Maybe anarchy sounds pretty good to Eric Cantor. But it sounds damn scary to me. Let's reduce the national debt... not destroy our nation.

2011-07-13T17:49:00.018-04:00

Reflections On Derek Jeter's 3000th Hit, Life

I was there. Three words that are oh so satisfying.

I bought the tickets off of Stubhub... well over a month before the game. Well before Derek Jeter was injured, delaying the inevitable milestone. I bought them for my dad, my mom, my sister and myself for Father's Day. I had no idea back then what a momentous occasion we'd be witnessing.

The video above doesn't quite do the job of capturing the euphoria of Jeter's big moment. All the Jeter-haters out there who cry "overrated" won't ever fully understand it, but I know what the Yankee captain's achievement meant to me, and what it probably meant to many others around my age who grew up to be Yankees fans.

You see, the Yankees of my youth were a mercenary organization (and some would argue, still are). They hired the best guns and sluggers from around the league, mostly guys who were too old or had worn out their welcome in other locales. In the late 80s and early 90s, when my baseball fandom was being developed, the Yankees resembled the cast of The Expendables, a collection of action stars past their prime. Sure, there was Donnie Baseball, but back problems signaled his career was near an end.

Then came 1995. I was 13 years old. My Bar Mitzvah theme was "A Night At The Ballpark." For me, that was also the year that cemented the Yankees as my favorite team. I'd grown up rooting for the Mets, against the rest of my family's wishes. My favorite players were David Cone and Darryl Strawberry. But the Mets had betrayed me. By 1992, they'd given away the players I loved. In 1995, The Yankees signed the Straw and Cone. That won me over.

They also briefly promoted a rookie shortstop, Derek Jeter. I identified with the rook, after all, he wasn't much older than me-- only 8 years. I watched his debut against Seattle on TV. The box score says he went 0-5, but I don't remember that. I just remember the announcers saying how much potential he had, how he was a top prospect. Instantly, I imagined myself in his shoes.

I grew up. So did Jeter. He hit his first Major League homer Opening Day, just before I graduated middle school. That summer, I watched him hit his way to becoming Rookie of the Year. I was in the common TV area of my dorm freshman year of boarding school when I saw Jeter hit a deep shot that was caught by a kid just a little younger than me in the home run stands, tying the first game of the American League Championship series. My freshman year of college, for Halloween, I dressed as a Mets fan that had been beaten by Yankees fans-- a tribute to the Subway Series. I won a camera as first prize in my dorm's costume contest, Jeter won the World Series MVP award. This year, as Derek has seemingly entered a new stage in his career, so have I-- I moved in with the girl I love and have come to terms with the fact that at age 29, adulthood is here whether I'm ready for it or not.

So in many ways, it felt like Derek and I grew up together. He was the first player I watched transform from a rookie, to an all-star, and now, in his twilight years, to a legend. In an age where we're reminded daily that sports are a business and the players we love appear on ESPN to announce their departures, it's rare for a fan of any team to be able to watch a player grow up in their backyard. So it was fitting that on the day he reached a milestone only 27 others had reached before, I was in the stands, cheering him on.

I'd seen Derek's 3000th hit before, playing the video game MVP Baseball 2005. In my virtual franchise, it had taken him until 2012, due to injuries (I screamed at my Nintendo Gamecube, "Don't you know Derek never gets injured!?"). With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, the bases loaded and down by three, Jeter came to bat. I followed the pitch in and mashed the A button, pushing the control stick right. The ball sailed. An opposite field, grand slam homer. In my head, the crowd roared. The video game announcer congratulated virtual Jeter on the milestone.

Back to reality. Real life doesn't go like that. If it's one thing I've learned growing up, it's that perfect endings only happen in movies. I've experienced many successes and many happy moments, but rarely has my life lived up to the wild fantasies of my imagination.

Jeter's first at bat against David Price, he hit a roller that snuck through the left side of the infield. The type of hit he's been getting recently, as the bat has slowed. The crowd went wild, not because they were impressed with the hit, but because they all were thinking the same thing. He'll be at bat at least 4 more times this game-- I have a shot at witnessing history.

Then came Jeter's next at bat. He worked the count. Fouled a pitch off. The crowd chanted, "Deh-rek Jee-ter!!" over and over again. Price wound up and delivered.

Everybody knew the ball was gone the second Derek swung. It wasn't a grand slam to the opposite field, but it seemed like that, something that happens in video games and dreams, not real life.

Jeter ended the game 5 for 5. Perfect. Won the game single-handedly. And while he may be batting .257 on the year with diminishing range and increasing critics, he looked like the kid I watched when I was just a kid myself, all those years ago.

I was there. So were the others in the stands, screaming their voices out. So were the Yankees fans watching at home. Yes, he's a mensch, and yes, he plays hard, always, but the reason we love Derek Jeter is bigger than that. He's been our benchmark, our standard, a physical embodiment of the best bell curve the course of our lives could follow, from potential, to stardom, to marrying Minka Kelly.

Jeter's 3000th hit wasn't just a milestone for him. It was a milestone for us.

______

2011-06-10T08:06:00.219-04:00

Alternatives To The Big Apple Barbecue

Yes, this is the actual crowd at the Big Apple BBQ

Every year, thousands of New Yorkers and tourists turn out for the Big Apple BBQ Festival in Madison Square Park. The outdoor event is a lively scene with some great barbecue from around the country... but it also has the potential to be annoyingly crowded, incredibly overpriced (if you spring for more than one plate or the fast pass), and, depending on the weather, a sopping, uncomfortable mess.

But when that smell of BBQ sauce hits your nostrils, lets face it, you're going to be in the mood for some smoky slathered meat. Should you pay $125 for the "Fast Pass" and wonder how in the hell comfort food could be so expensive? Or wait in line for half an hour or more for a small $8 plate of food you'll have to consume while standing awkwardly against a building or sitting uncomfortably on a bale of hay? Luckily, there are some nearby alternatives to get your BBQ fix and fixin's...

1. R.U.B., Righteous Urban Barbeque (208 W. 23rd St.) is, in my opinion, the best deal and best barbecue in the Madison Square area. They slow smoke their meat for up to 17 hours, and boast that the restaurant doesn't own a microwave. The brisket is my personal favorite, and I recommend getting a meat platter, which comes with two sides (the cole slaw, onion strings, corn bread, and baked beans are standouts). Get the burnt ends, which always sell out fast. A one meat platter will run you $15.50, but you'll get more food, be in an air conditioned space free from the crowds, and have a view of several TVs to watch the ballgame.

2. Hill Country (30 W. 26th St.) is a Texas-style barbecue market with New York prices, but the lunch specials are under $12 and include a side. The "moist" brisket is a winner. Sunday night they offer a "feed yer family" special from 4PM-10PM that includes a 1/4lb lean brisket, one pork spare rib, one beef rib, a quarter chicken, two sides, plus dessert for $20.

3. Blue Smoke (116 E. 27th St.) is where the Big Apple Barbecue Block Party began, and you can find their crew dishing out Texas Salt & Pepper beef ribs at Madison Square Park. While my friends weren't too impressed, New York Magazine calls it "an ingenious Manhattan BBQ joint." Sandwiches start at $11.50, the rib sampler for two will set you back a hefty $19 dollars each. And that doesn't include sides.

4. Wildwood Barbeque (225 Park Ave South) is notorious for slow service, but the Stephen Hanson restaurant serves up great Texas-smoked brisket and a lot of whiskey options. Personally, my favorite item is the sweet pickles. The Pit Sampler--Kansas City Baby Backs, Spare Ribs, Sliced Brisket, Pulled Pork, Smoked Sausage, Smoked Chicken, Cornbread, Coleslaw and 2 sides will serve 4 for $20 a head.

5. Dinosaur BBQ (700 W. 125th St.) If you're up for a subway ride, NYC's best barbecue is only 25 minutes away from Madison Square Park. Walk five minutes to 23rd. St. and 7th Ave., and take the 1 all the way to 125th street. Splitting a Traditional Sampler (1/4 Chicken(leg + thigh), 1/4 Rack of ribs & sliced Texas Beef Brisket) will only run two people $9.25 each, or for 4 bucks more, you can up the sampler to a 1/2 chicken, 1/2 rack. There's also the sweetheart deal for two, $15 each, which will get you a full rack of ribs + 4 sides. Or you could get a small, flimsy paper plate of Dino at the Big Apple BBQ. Your choice.

6. Brother Jimmy's (181 Lexington Ave.) I didn't want to put this here, because Brother Jimmy's is really more of a frat house than a BBQ joint, but the food is good and well priced, and if you arrive at the right hour, you'll actually be able to eat your meal without someone yelling "NO WAY!! HE DID NOT! NO HE DIDN'T!!! WHO WANTS TO BUY ME A BREWSKIE?" None of the sandwiches will run you more than 11 dollars, including a side and pickles. And if you do want to get blitzed with Chi Alpha Beta Zeta, there's always Swamp Water, alcohol and juice in a 64 oz. fish bowl. Ask for extra straws.

Other Big Apple BBQ Alternatives:

7. Manzo/Eataly (200 5th Avenue) At the southwest corner of Madison Square Park, you'll find Eataly, chef Mario Batali's behemoth Italian food superstore. Inside, you'll find 12 different mini restaurants, including Manzo, a carnivore's dream. The menu's not cheap, it is a Batali restaurant after all, but isn't a slow roasted beef rib with tarragon and spin rosso polenta worth $21 bucks more?

8. No. 7 Sub (1188 Broadway) is not a barbecue joint, it's a sandwich shop... but its unique offerings can sometimes hew towards the smoky side of the palate. Sandwich offerings change throughout the year-- the roast beef and the Montreal-style "smoked meat" sandwich were my favorites. (last I checked, Meat options included Roast Pork with cheddar, Melon, Chinese Mustard, and Shishito Peppers; and braised short ribs with Daikon Salad, Coconut Mayo. They also offer homemade sodas.

9. Red Farm Stand and 3Bs (839 Avenue of the Americas) are parts of a high-end, futuristic-looking food court called Foodparc inside the Hotel Eventi, and while they're not BBQ places, they offer up some tasty, spicy meat. The Pastrami Egg Roll from Red Farm is flaky and crispy, stuffed with Katz's pastrami and served with a zesty honey mustard sauce. Get it to go, eat it in Madison Square Park and chuckle as the passerby ask which stall you got it from. The Short Rib Bun, Duck Bun, BBQ Spare Ribs and BBQ duck are all on the sweet side of the tender red meat spectrum, but they're all delicious. At 3Bs, you can get a Pat La Frieda's special Hanger blend burger and a lot of bacon infused options. Everything is at fast-food level prices and can be ordered quickly thanks to a self-service touchscreen ordering system.

10. Soul Fixin's (371 W. 28th St.) (Closed Sunday), is not a barbecue restaurant as much as its a Soul Food restaurant, but those two things often go hand in hand. The tiny hole-in-the-wall is easy to pass by, and there's only a few tables, but inside you can get some terrific meatloaf glazed with barbecue sauce, candied sweet potatoes, fried chicken and sweet tea.

2011-06-08T09:36:00.010-04:00

Bad Intel

Stoners in New York were excited by a Daily Intel blog post this morning...

Unfortunately, there's a reason that link is to NBC Connecticut...

Oh Noreen!! This is why no blog posts should be made before 10 in the morning.

Sorry stoners. You'll have to go to Yale to avoid jail time. Like George W.

In the meantime, I commend the great state of Connecticut. Decriminalize, not legalize. (click the link for my reasons why) It's a happy medium.

2011-05-16T08:57:00.004-04:00

How Republicans Are Holding You, And America, Hostage

Debt is bad. We all know that, right? That's why your parents always tell you to pay down your credit cards, why Free Credit Score Dot Com commercials warn you won't get that car of your dreams. Debt leads to losing everything you own, ending only in suicide or starvation.

So it stands to reason that debt is also bad for America. If the deficit grows, the future of America should be just as bleak, ending in the break-up of the United States into tiny, feudal kingdoms, ruled by armed thugs wearing spike studded football shoulder pads driving around in flame-throwing motorcycles.

So why, good Americans, would we raise the "debt ceiling" without first cutting spending? Republicans, good stewards of our economy who have never, ever increased the national debt, ever, ever ever, are asking that question. And they're also answering that question, refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless austere measures are taken by those out-of-control Democrats.

There's just one problem.

The debt ceiling is not the same thing as the national debt.

Let that marinate for a moment. "National Debt" and "Debt Ceiling" both have the word "Debt" in it, so to an unintelligent person, they may look the same. But they're not.

"National Debt" is how much we're in the hole. "Debt Ceiling" is how much we're allowed to borrow.

While a higher debt ceiling means more borrowing, and therefore, a higher national debt, this DOES NOT MEAN THAT KEEPING THE DEBT CEILING AS IT IS REDUCES THE NATIONAL DEBT OR KEEPS IT THE SAME.

In fact, it actually causes the opposite to happen.

The U.S. is at the debt limit now. And that means it can no longer borrow money. We've established that the government now runs a deficit, and has very large debt. So if it can no longer borrow money, that means it can no longer pay its bills.

According to Slate:

The Treasury would no longer be able to issue new bonds, meaning that the United States would eventually start failing to pay its bills (like Social Security payments) and to service its outstanding debt (paying bondholders interest). The world bond market would likely panic, raising borrowing costs for all individuals and businesses. Moreover, the United States' borrowing costs would never fall as low again—investors would never fully trust the United States to pay back what it promises.

That's just the first stage. Then the stock market collapses to Great Depression levels. Millions are laid off overnight. The U.S. is no longer the world's superpower. We're Greece.

In other words, the apocalypse happens now.

With businesses failing and millions out of work, the U.S. tax base shrinks. Not only can the government not afford to pay anybody, now, it doesn't even have the money to keep the lights on in the Capitol building.

The United States breaks up into tiny, feudal kingdoms, ruled by armed thugs wearing spike studded football shoulder pads driving around in flame-throwing motorcycles.

This is reality. It's undisputed. Failing to raise the debt ceiling will be a catastrophe that will permanently end America as we know it.

And the Republicans are threatening to do it.

Hmm. Maybe these guys are on to something.

It's the equivalent to threatening a bank robber with a nuclear detonation if he doesn't put down the gun. Sure, a nuke would stop the bank from being robbed, but... you know... the bank's kind of a moot point after the mushroom cloud.

Debt is bad. We all know it is. But there are better ways to force the government to take it seriously other than threatening the extinction of the United States. There's better ways to reduce the national debt than reducing our country to ashes.

It's time to tell the Republicans to put down the nukes already.

2011-05-04T08:47:00.002-04:00

If You're Looking For An Apartment In NYC...

June is a popular move-in time in New York City. It's tough to find a place that will perfectly suit your needs and isn't being fought over by hundreds of people. But if you've always dreamed of living in the heart of Soho, in your very own "artist's one bedroom," with eat-in kitchen, exposed brick, amazing city views, and "A shower big enough for a few of your friends", I've found the place for you-- 7 Spring Street:

Fabulous Funky Artist 1 Bed- SO MUCH Charm and Character

Be the only one to live in in a 1 bed in proper Nolita for $1600 a month

Located: on Spring between Bowery & Elizabeth

Features:
– Shared patio and yard
– Amazing city views with parks gardens and patios
– Bedroom fits a king bed
– Antique original moldings and doors
– Exposed brick throughout
– 5th floor walk up with means drenched with direct light
– Eat in Kitchen
– Built in book selves
– A shower big enough for a few of your friends – it’s actually bigger then the eat in kitchen… this is a classic RARE TO NONE. No one has a shower quite like this shower.. BE THE FIRST. You could set up a small dining area in the shower… Must see to believe.

I'm seeing it. I don't believe it.

Sort of reminds me of another place...

It's hard being a Realtor.

UPDATE: The price just dropped $50. And the new listing does not highlight the group shower.

2011-05-02T18:03:00.006-04:00

Just A Quick Thing To Think About Before We Start Blaming Pakistan

It's pretty hard to believe the Pakistani government knew nothing about Bin Laden's whereabouts, given he was living next to their equivalent of West Point. But before we start questioning U.S. aid to Pakistan, lets draw on a little bit of history here.

U.S. aid was responsible for pushing the Soviets out of Afghanistan. Ironically, some of this money went to Osama Bin Laden, then a young, anti-Soviet jihadist.

Then, the U.S. pulled its aid to Afghanistan. Since the Soviets were defeated, the U.S. mission was deemed complete.

What was left behind was a war-torn, battered country with fractured leadership. Into the void stepped the Taliban. We know what that led to.

There are, no doubt, corrupt elements inside Pakistan. It's the chief reason why Obama approved the special ops mission inside Pakistan's borders without letting the Pakistani government know about it first. It's been well-established that the Pakistani intelligence agency and the government are as leaky as the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant.

But the reality is, the leakiness of the Pakistani Intelligence community exists because of its reliance on double agents and actual terrorists for information. They operate by letting the little fish go in hopes of catching the big fish. They operate effectively by gaining the trust of real terrorists-- which can sometimes mean leaking information that helps the bad guys.

And then, there's the most obvious challenge the Pakistanti government and their intelligence forces face. A good percentage of the people living in their country don't care much for America, and don't care much for a secular Pakistani government. Imagine if America let Iranian troops carry out operations in Boston, Massachusetts because some guy responsible for terrorism in Tehran was allegedly hiding somewhere near Fenway. You think Americans would be like, "Yeah, sure!"?

The Pakistani government has a tenuous hold on power. And maintaining that hold means presenting a certain face towards its populace. It must not look like a weak, subservient sidekick to American ambitions.

Ironically, the only way they can maintain that powerful facade is to fund themselves with U.S. aid. Their people cannot afford higher taxes without rioting and bringing down the government. As such, if the police, soldiers, and intelligence community are to be paid money to fight terrorism, they must be paid with funds acquired elsewhere. Like from the American government.

Without these funds, the security structure of Pakistan is left to fall apart. And instead of merely hiding out in Pakistan, terrorists begin operating there-- on a level they've never been able to before. The Pakistani government is overthrown-- and in its place, a group much like the Taliban institutes Sharia law. Bin Laden's dream--of an orthodox Islamic terrorist state-- becomes a reality.

Did the Pakistani intelligence services know where Bin Laden was? Well, here's West Point. Do you know who lives in every single one of those structures? Every one? Anyone live in the neighborhood want to take a shot? And keep in mind, this is America, where we're very nosy about our neighbors. I can think of about 20 buildings in my neighborhood in New Jersey which seem mighty odd.

Much has been said about Osama's mansion sticking out... but the area is actually very populated with mansions. Many have security. Osama's house may have seemed odd... but it had been there before most of the mansions in the area were built there. For all many neighbors knew, it could have been a intelligence services installation. It's not like they would have seen people walking around wearing "I'm With Osama" t-shirts while installing vinyl siding.

Yes, it was close to the Pakistani "West Point," but that may have been the precise reason Bin Laden chose it. Where was a place in Pakistan that would provide the U.S. with a more difficult target: on the western border, rife with terrorist activity, or a place where Pakistan's military leadership is trained? Which one would be the place the Americans would be less likely to look-- and more hesitant to bomb without Pakistani permission? The proximity does not suggest that the entire Pakistani government was involved in some elaborate Bin Laden protection scheme. Rather, it suggests that Bin Laden was worried about isolating himself in a place that would be exposed to an American air strike.

So lets cool our jets a bit. Bin Laden is dead. Let's celebrate. And hope that our government doesn't make any rash decisions that may lead to the birth of Bin Laden's successor.

2011-05-02T00:15:00.002-04:00

We Got Him

It took nearly ten years, but Osama Bin Laden is dead.

His survival was the greatest failure of our war on terrorism. Now that he's been bodybagged, hopefully, those personally hit by his evil can have a measure of peace. Now, we can heal.

I know I will.

I'll sleep well tonight.

UPDATE: Allegedly, here's where Bin Laden holed up. (thanks nymag)

2011-04-28T08:30:00.005-04:00

Yankees Season Ticket Department Screws Up Again, This Time, Worse

Who the heck is running the show inside the Yankees Season Ticket Office?

For the second time in two years, an email was sent to hundreds of Yankees season ticket holders, revealing personal information to strangers. The first time the Yankees revealed personal information, it was only email addresses... someone used CC (not Sabathia) instead of BCC, a major mass-email no-no that exposed the personal email addresses of hundreds of people (and potential spammers). This time, the Yankees employee went even further, attaching a handy dandy spreadsheet of names, addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers and email addresses-- and the seats they have in Yankee Stadium.

Deadspin first reported the details on the Yankees season ticket holders privacy breach yesterday afternoon. More than 20,000 people were affected, all in non-premium seating-- which means that once again, the Yankees management has screwed the true, blue collar fans and pampered the wealthy people who never show up to games and keep the seats around the infield empty for the majority of the year.

A call to Ken Cleary, Account Executive of Season Ticket Sales & Services, went unanswered Thursday morning. But his email to those affected (including me) indicated that "immediately upon learning of the accidental attachment of the internal spreadsheet, remedial measures were undertaken so as to assure that a similar incident could not happen again."

I assume that would mean the idiot who did this was fired? Maybe not. The original email came from Ken, the same person who later blamed "an employee."

Of course, the personal information was revealed on Monday. It took until Wednesday for the Yankees to send an apology and acknowledgment of the mistake. This is actually better response time than the last time... where they never apologized at all.

Also disturbing, the "recall message" we received shows that whoever sent the email has a huge gap of understanding when it comes to using email. Once an email is sent, you ain't getting it back, buddy. Perhaps the Yankees should use Google's "Mail Goggles."

The things one could do with this list is troubling. It goes beyond spam. Let's say you were wondering who the hot blonde was in Seat 24, Row 11, Section 235. The list could tell you that. Already, my cousin and I are joking about greeting all the people in our row by name next time we go to the stadium.

It's not inconceivable that an enterprising person who wanted to upgrade their seats for the following season could call up the people who held their desired seats, and find out whether they're re-upping for next season. If they're not, they could circumvent the Yankees and arrange to transfer the tickets.

And that's not even getting into other potential abuses. Con artists looking to scam people out of their credit cards could pretend to be Yankees reps, calling people on the list. After all, they know their seat numbers, account codes... it would sound legit to an unwary ticket holder.

Thanks a lot Yankees. It was bad enough you stuck us with a package involving multiple Royals and Orioles games, including two weekday 1:00 games. Now this.

UPDATE (May 2): Got a call back from Mario Oliveri, Yankees Season Ticket account executive. He assured me that the Yankees take this seriously, but repeated the company line that "no information was released that can't be found on Google." Except, you know, unlisted telephone numbers, those seat numbers, and the Yankees account number. He said that they've updated their security procedures, securing spreadsheet files, and making sure they ask additional information from those calling in, like "what credit card did you use to make your purchase?" When I pointed out that a scammer could ask the same thing, Mario said that everybody is aware of the situation, so they're less likely to fall for a scam.

I was hoping they'd offer something, anything, to make up for their sloppy security and revealing information that people would rather not have distributed to thousands of others. A Yankees seat cushion? A free pen? But it seems the Yanks are content to ride this one out, and if they lose a customer or two, they're not too worried about it.

2011-04-27T23:46:00.002-04:00

Forget The Motorcades... Hit The Used Car Lot

This is the stuff disaster movies are made of. Widespread gridlock clogging every one of New York's arterial streets. Crowds of restless citizens, held back by barricades and anxious cops. Sirens and car horns drowning out the constant city hum, and red and blue strobes lined up like signal fires across the width of Manhattan.

But it wasn't aliens or genetically engineered monsters or even supercyclones powered by global warming that ground the city to a halt tonight.

It was President Obama's motorcade.

My girlfriend and I were walking back to my apartment from dinner, noting how strangely empty third avenue was for the time of night-- and how strangely busy the side streets seemed to be. When we reached 42nd street, we came upon a crowd of people gathered at the street corner, waiting to cross, delayed by heavy police presence.

"What's going on?" we asked.

"Obama's in town for a fundraiser," we were told. His motorcade would be coming by is about 15 minutes. Until it passed and the all clear was given, no one was allowed to cross 42nd street, by car, by bicycle, or on foot.

"How much of 42nd street is closed?"

"All of it. Across the whole island."

Obama eventually came through, in one of two limos, in a parade of town cars, police cruisers, heavy duty trucks, unmarked white vans, ambulances, and a partridge in a pear tree. After the nearly 30 vehicles finally passed, we waited about five more minutes and were finally set free. The Manhattan traffic and assorted food delivery men on bikes were released shortly afterward, but the build up of stopped vehicles for the past hour resulted in a near citywide traffic jam. On the walk home, we witnessed at least two near-accidents.

The hubbub this week has surrounded Obama's birth certificate-- but that's not really an issue that affects anyone. What does affect us is the government budget... A portion of which is devoted to security for government personnel.

Given the events of tonight, which are typical of presidential excursions since the Kennedy assassination, I got to thinking... Isn't this one of the worst, most expensive, most disruptive ways to keep our President safe?

My girlfriend and I had no idea, before running into the madness on 42nd street, that Obama was in town. I'm guessing that your typical terrorist wouldn't either. But by closing off 42nd street to vehicular traffic and lining it with parade barricades-- even informing pedestrians when they could expect the motorcade to come by-- the NYPD and Secret Service basically laid out a well-defined route where the President would be. They basically surrounded the President with flashing lights and flags and held up a sign: "Here He Is!!!"

If I were president, I'd cancel the security theater (Presidents haven't had good luck in theaters.. Or motorcades.)

The best way to keep a President safe is to put him in a '95 Honda Accord.

I know, I know. Buy American. But that's exactly what the terrorists would suspect!

In all seriousness, put the President in an old, nondescript, uninteresting car that no one would look twice at. You still want security, so put the guards in a Mercury Sable station wagon and support personnel in a Plymouth Caravan. Without all the lights and fanfare attracting attention, you wouldn't need nearly as many vehicles or police presence. No one would know that the President was the guy in the Accord. Especially if he's driving and wearing a Mets cap.

Frankly, it would cost less money, cause less disruption, and make it less likely a crazy assassin could figure out where the President is. Is he in the Accord? Or the '99 Chrysler Sebring?

That's a good deal!

(not the convertible version. Presidents don't have the best of luck in convertibles.)

Consider it, Obama. With this budget thing, every cent counts. And as cool as a motorcade makes you look, it just causes headaches for everyone else.

2011-04-27T08:53:00.021-04:00

The Legend of Sam Fuld Continues...

This note, on Yahoo! today:

Apr 26 OF Sam Fuld, already one of the biggest surprises in the majors, got a surprise of his own Tuesday, as he was included on the All-Star ballot. The Rays were able to add Fuld and shift Johnny Damon to the DH position after the April 8 retirement of Manny Ramirez.

Let's get voting, people! Sam Fuld! Sam Fuld! Sam Fuld! You can vote up to 25 times.

(You can All-Star vote for superjews Ike Davis, Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, and Ryan Braun too.)

Going into Week 4 of the season, the Major League Jews are in 5th place at 11-9, 2 games back from the leader. Recent additions to the squad include Padres ace Mat Latos, Cubs K-artist Matt Garza, and Marlins lead-off man Chris Coghlan. Not a bar mitzvah in the bunch, but a guy's gotta fill a roster somehow.

2011-04-20T17:09:00.002-04:00

The Legend of Sam Fuld

Now That's A Hustlin' Hebrew!

The New York Times has a feature on superjew Sam Fuld, the Tampa Bay Rays' star outfielder, and the newest Joltin' Jew on my Major League Jews fantasy baseball team:

"...Baseball has directed Fuld’s path. He made the varsity as an eighth grader, and hit so well that he transferred to Exeter Academy for the athletics. He dominated there, too — usually hitting above .500, all while managing Type 1 diabetes..."

He can also leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Even the twitter masses have spoken. Sam Fuld is Moses.

The Major League Jews are currently 3-7, 11th place in the 12 team Yahoo Public 211693 league. Some members of the team may have been waiting for a Passover diet to provide power (Mighty Matzah!), but these Jews, (and other Putzes) have started off strong:

Those percentages are how many people own these players in Yahoo! leagues. Clearly, I'm ahead of the curve here. Unfortunately, Jesse Litsch, JINO, as far as I can tell, has been recently sent to the minors, but he gave the team a good run of pitching.

Can the Major League Jews be inspired by the Passover seder and lead this team to the promised land? With Sam Fuld on our side, I'm optimistic.

2011-04-08T17:37:00.008-04:00

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: 2011 Season

It's that time of year again, when good Jewish boys throw on baseball caps and batting helmets over their keepahs and take the field, proving to the goyim that a shnozz and penchant for kvetching doesn't mean the chosen people can't dominate America's pastime.

And that means it's time for another season of Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

I've had my successes over the years, drafting solely Jewish, or Jewish-sounding players. But last year, the Homering Hebrews didn't fare so well. Ian Kinsler was injured for much of the year. So was Kevin Youkilis. Ryan Braun had a solid, but unspectacular season. The emergence of young, only recently Bar Mitzvahed rookies, Ike Davis and Danny Valencia, helped the chosen team, but it wasn't pretty.

This year, I ran into a bit of a problem setting up my Slugging Semites squad. I've always used MLB.com, because it only required choosing a pitching staff, not individual pitchers, and because I could work the autodraft to maximize the possibility of getting all the Jewish players I required.

I'm not sure why, but MLB.com has redone their fantasy baseball site, and its ridiculously difficult to use. I found it impossible to prerank players. After several attempts, I gave up.

So I've drafted a team on Yahoo!. Doing so presented new difficulties. I'd have to fill out a whole pitching staff, using limited Jewish starters. I'd have to fill two utility player spots. Yahoo uses daily lineup changes, not weekly ones. And the way Yahoo!'s head-to-head system works, it would be difficult/impossible to pull out a win. If I stuck to my old methodology, I'd have empty roster spots and wouldn't be able to compete.

So this year, I've taken a different approach.

1. I've drafted only Jewish players (and Jewish-sounding players). I had to make a trade to nab Kevin Youkilis.

2. I will not drop any active Jewish players during the course of the season, unless it's to add a better performing Jewish player.

3. Now, here's the big change: Otherwise unfilled roster spots can be filled by non-Jewish players available on the waiver wire. Much like the brave resistance fighters who helped the Jews during the Holocaust, these players will assist the Jew Crew on their quest to win a championship.

Here's the team I came away with:

Here's the rundown:

C- Russell Martin. Not Jewish. But he's played his ball in LA and NY, so he's had experience in our world. Unfortunately, with the retirement of Brad Ausmus, there are no Jewish catchers in the bigs.

1B- Adam Lind. Probably not Jewish. But the name certainly fits the bill. He had a down year last year, but is more than capable of topping 30 HRs.

2B- Ian Kinsler. When healthy, one of the most feared Jewish hitters in the major leagues. Unfortunately, he's been a bit too much like a glass under the chuppah on a Jewish wedding day.

3B- Ryan Zimmerman. Not a Jew, but a Chosen Team veteran with 30 HR power.

SS- Derek Jeter. What to do, what to do? I've offered 500 shekels for a Jewish shortstop, but until Jake Lemmerman comes along, I got nobody. Even David Eckstein, Jew-in-name-only (JINO) has retired. So I'm gonna use this unverified google find to justify the captain, number 2, as the Gefilte Grand Slams starting shortstop.

OF- Ryan Braun. Jewish, and a multiple Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Year award winner, this guy is the guy that lights this team's shabbos candles. I picked him up for my very first Jewish Fantasy Baseball squad way back in 2007. He's been a winner ever since.

OF - Travis Snider. Probably not Jewish. But Snider sounds close. He's a young guy with oodles of potential. Yes, I said oodles. A 20 HR season isn't out of reach.

OF- Sam Fuld. Jewish... and, this just in: Manny Ramirez has retired. And that paves the way for Fuld to cement a job in the Tampa Bay lineup. He's started off the season strong, leading off and stealing 4 bases. Can he hold off highly touted prospect Desmond Jennings? If he keeps up what he's doing, we might see a Florida baseball team host a Jewish Heritage Day for a player who's actually Jewish.

UTIL- Kevin Youkilis. Jewish, and can play both 1B and 3B in a pinch. Oy, I haven't seen versatility like that since Lainie Kazan played Greek.

UTIL- Ike Davis. Jewish. Ike broke out for the Mets last year, surprising them with a new found power stroke. Just like Moses surprised the Egyptians with that whole parting the Red Sea thing.

BN- Danny Valencia. Jewish, manning the hot corner for Minnesota this year. Yes, Jewish even with that name.

BN- Lance Berkman. Not Jewish. But Lance has been to the hora many times before, as an original team member. He's getting older-- can he thrive playing right field?

SP-Max Scherzer. Probably not Jewish. But this team's Ks have to come from somewhere.

SP-Clay Buchholz. Also probably not Jewish. But Theo Epstein, GM of the Red Sox is!

RP-J.J. Putz. Do I really have to explain this one?

RP-Craig Breslow. Jewish. Hoping he can steal some saves.

BN-Jordan Zimmermann. Probably not Jewish. But I think the extra "N' at the end of Zimmermann stands for "never one to miss a simcha."

BN-Randy Wolf. Not Jewish. But Lazar Wolf was.

BN-Jesse Litsch. Probably not Jewish. But I know a kid named Jeremy Lisch who is. Started off the season strong.

BN-Jason Marquis. Jewish. I'm hoping the Nationals give him plenty of run support.

BN-Scott Feldman. Jewish. On the DL to start the year, and I'm hoping he can bring that ERA and WHIP down from last season.

BN-Anibal Sanchez. Jewish. No, just kidding. But I need Ks, and this guy can get them.

DL-Stephen Strasburg. Not Jewish. But if he comes back at any point this year, he could be almost as big a hero to the Jews as King David.

Will I win my league? My offense is pretty good. Pitching... well, hopefully Scott Schoeneweis will be converted to a starter and suddenly become incredibly good. It's gonna come down to one thing. A little help from the man upstairs. Not Jesus.

If anything though, putting together this team has made me proud that despite my religion's un-athletic reputation, we've got quite a few "Braun-y" boys making themselves known throughout baseball.

Let's play ball!

2011-04-08T08:27:00.005-04:00

A Wonderful Waste Of Time

While Congress shuts down America because they want 16 year old pregnant girls to suffer, what are the rest of us supposed to do? Well, at least there's this stunningly addictive waste of time:

Click the boxes, make music.

It's sort of like creating your very own King of Limbs.

Frankly, a government shutdown is a debacle. And strangely, at least in my lifetime, it only seems to happen when the Republicans wanna stick it to the Democrats. There was no reason to shut down in 1995 and there's no reason now.

Republicans want to turn a budget fight into a battle for larger, more complicated, probably unsolvable issues--abortion, welfare, health care, you name it. They'd rather cut a million dollars from programs for poor people than save billions by repealing a ridiculous-to-begin-with tax cut for billionaires. All because they claim to want a smaller government that also has the power to dictate people's sex lives.

There's only one way to balance the budget. Increase revenue. You can cut out wheelchairs for the elderly all you want, but it won't make a appreciable dent.

I hate taxes like everyone else. And raising taxes is a suicidal proposal for any politician. But until the federal government starts selling iPhones, taxes are pretty much the only way they get money. And if you're going to raise taxes, why not raise them on the people who can afford the hike? (which is not me)

If you don't have the guts to do that, then you're faced with three less palatable options. Slash the military budget in half (good luck!), raid social security and significantly ax the program (enjoy!), eliminate medicare and medicaid and hope that Groupon begins offering medical care deals (Valentine's Day Heart Surgery, 50% off!).

Anything else is a waste of time. Less productive than clicking boxes.

2011-03-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

Obama's Lybia Speech

He made the right decision, but you can see Obama's clearly been struggling with this. He didn't want to be a war President. But it made me realize something. Clinton decided to launch a similar mission in Bosnia back in the 90's. After that, of course, we had Bush launch an all out ground war in two countries, like his father before him. Basically, it boils down to this:

Republicans fight wars on the ground. Democrats fight wars in the air.

That's the way it's been since I was born, anyway. No world wars, but wars nonetheless. Sad.

Then you see things like the Tsunami and earthquake that hit Japan and you wonder... With terror like that in our universe, why the hell are we so afraid of each other??

Great, now I sound like a hippie.

Thanks a lot, Mommar.

2011-03-25T08:43:00.006-04:00

General Electric Pays Negative Taxes

This makes me supremely mad. According to the New York Times, while the rest of us schmucks give an absurd amount in taxes every year, which go towards subsidies for profitable companies like General Electric, G.E. actually gets paid from the government and avoids taxes completely. How does G.E. reward America for this generosity? By shifting the majority of the G.E. workforce overseas.

Thanks to the administration of George W. Bush (and the blind-eye congress under Obama), corporate tax law was changed to create loopholes that companies like G.E. could use to avoid taxes. Not only that, the loopholes work only if companies fire Americans and hire Europeans instead. We were just too busy being scared about terrorism to notice. Wonder why we're losing jobs to other countries? Look no further.

Ironically, it was Ronald Reagan, Republican prophet, who closed the loophole to begin with. But these days, with both the Democratic and Republican parties comfortably in corporate America's pocket, awarding companies rights beyond those of ordinary people has become the norm.

I'm sure our founding fathers would be proud.

The Republican party line says that corporations should be given free reign because their output and profits benefit the nation. But due to the loopholes, G.E.'s output and profits aren't benefiting the nation-- they're staying overseas. Instead of merely allowing a corporation to retain most of its profits, we're actually providing a financial incentive to abandon America.

We're paying G.E. billions of dollars to leave us.

Does that sound like good policy??

2011-03-24T08:14:00.002-04:00

Major League Jew Attempts A Comeback

Jewish ballplayer, and former New York Met David Newhan is attempting a comeback after a scary neck injury.

Mazel Tov, David! I could use a few more Jewish utility men on this year's Major League Jews fantasy team (coming soon).

2011-03-23T08:12:00.004-04:00

The World's Last Unsecured Password

I want to apologize to all my family and friends (and assorted random contacts) for spamming them this week. My email was hacked. More specifically, my AOL email was hacked.

Yes, I can hear you laughing. AOL email??? What is this, 1998?

I moved onto Gmail a lifetime ago, but I still kept my AOL account around for the purposes of signing up for things. Everyone these days asks for your email address, and I didn't want my Gmail inbox stuffed with "Special Offers" and "Membership Information." My AOL account, therefore, became a haven for junk.

It was also very vulnerable.

Back when I created the account, sometime around 1996, people's awareness of internet security wasn't high. In 1996, celebrities accounts hadn't yet been hacked for nude photos and spam emails were still written using complete English sentences. When AOL prompted me to create a password, it didn't insist it be 8 characters long, including a capital letter, a number and a special character. It just asked for a password.

So I typed one in. Benf. Short for Ben Folds Five, a band I liked a lot in 1996.

According to mathematics, 456,976 guesses is all it would take to crack my password. From 1996-2011, it had gone uncracked. 15 years. But apparently, someone did it. I'm very careful not to click spam links, so I'm pretty sure I didn't give a spammer that way in. It was just a matter of time before my pathetic password fell victim to someone who undoubtedly looks nothing like Angelina Jolie from the movie "Hackers."

So R.I.P., last unsecured password in the world. You were a relic of a bygone era, when the internet was a much more innocent place. I'll miss how quick and easy it was to type you in, and how easy you were to remember. I'll remember you always.

Benf. 1996-2011

2011-03-11T08:14:00.000-05:00

So I Guess That's The End Of The Mile-High Club?

The FAA has ordered all airlines to disable emergency oxygen masks in airplane bathrooms, for fear that terrorists may use the oxygen to ignite a fire.

This means that every time you go to the bathroom on a flight from now on, you'll be risking your life if the plane decompresses.

So add emergency lifesaving equipment to the list of things the FAA has made us safe from, which includes shampoo bottles larger than three ounces and nail clippers.

Unfortunately, the FAA has done nothing to prevent the obvious terrorist threat posed by obnoxious kids that kick your seat.

2011-03-08T08:41:00.001-05:00

It's Time To Overthrow Our Ticketmaster

Tunisia, Egypt, Libya... the masses have finally risen up to overthrow their corrupt and heartless dictators. But there remains one brutal tyrant who continues to oppress millions of people, shattering their hopes and dreams, coddling the rich and powerful at the expense of the working class.

I'm talking, of course, about Ticketmaster.

I've written before about my frustrating experiences with Ticketmaster. If it was up to me, I'd never use the service ever again. But Ticketmaster holds, for all intents and purposes, a monopoly over the online retail of concert and event tickets. If you want to see the Yankees, Ticketmaster is the only place online where you can buy tickets at face value.

Ahem, I mean, try to buy tickets at face value. Because you won't be able to. Because Ticketmaster isn't designed to sell tickets. It's designed to force the majority of people to look elsewhere for tickets-- resellers TicketsNow (owned by Ticketmaster) and StubHub.

If that wasn't the case, why make it so difficult to see what tickets are available? Stubhub uses an easy system in which every ticket that's available is listed-- one can click on the section you want and presto-- a list of the tickets for sale in that section are presented.

Ticketmaster, however, uses a blind system. There's no way of telling how many tickets are left, or in what sections. You can be "waiting in line" for a few minutes, only to be told in the end that there are no seats available. And when that message "No Seats Available" pops up, you're not offered with great alternatives. You're given a choice of splitting your order (looking for one seat in one section, one in another section) or going back and restarting the (long) process over again.

How many times do I have to type in a complicated, non-English CAPTCHA before Ticketmaster accepts I'm a human being?

What benefit does hiding the available tickets provide? Nothing for fans. But for ticket resellers and powerful ticket brokers, the system is a boon. Let's say Ticketmaster wants to make a bigger profit. Will they make it by selling tickets at face value? Or will they make it by holding a bunch of tickets, then dumping them on their reselling site, TicketsNow, where they can charge scalper prices? If the system weren't blind, it would be obvious that Ticketmaster was withholding certain seats for resale or for powerful ticket brokers. The closed system helps Ticketmaster avoid scrutiny.

The ticket buying experience on Ticketmaster isn't anything like buying tickets at a normal ticket booth. If you wait in line at a ticket booth, when you reach the front, you're leaving with a ticket. This is not the case when you wait on the Ticketmaster website. You can spend all day on the site (which I can attest to) and even though nothing is listed as sold out, you still can't get anything.

The only way to easily get tickets is to put "Best Available" as your choice. You'll undoubtedly be offered the best seats in the house-- for tons of money. As such, the system rewards the rich, while those trying to be economical are madly scrambling to find the few available seats scattered in other sections.

I had this experience today, at 10:01 AM. Yankees tickets went on sale at 10:00. But everything except the worst of games (Toronto, 1:00, weekday) were already gone (though you wouldn't know it unless you tried, repeatedly).

Then I looked at the tickets available on StubHub and TicketsNow. Every section was available... for marked-up prices. Funny... I actually wanted to go to a game, not resell my tickets for profit. But I couldn't do it on Ticketmaster. I wonder how all these resellers got theirs? Did they snap up tickets seconds before me? Or did somebody give them a little help? I wonder???

As long as Ticketmaster keeps us blind, we'll never know.

2011-03-03T08:16:00.006-05:00

A Radical Idea... Blow Up The NFL

They may still call baseball "America's Pastime," but the truth is, football is king in this country. The NFL has been wildly successful in fielding the sport and making it a year-round obsession for fans. From the draft in April to the Superbowl in February, it's football that produces the biggest parties, tailgates, and crowds.

But if the NFL and the NFL Players Association don't agree to extend the collective bargaining agreement deadline by midnight tonight, it may be time to consider a radical option.

End the NFL.

I'm not talking about the end of professional football. What I'm talking about is a passing of the torch-- from 32 owners who don't give a damn about fans or players, to 32 new owners who would respect the fans and instantly agree to adopt the previous collective bargaining agreement that has made football the most successful and financially sound league of all American sports.

A de-certification of the players union and a lengthy lockout from the NFL owners would effectively put the NFL "out of business," transforming every NFL player into a free agent, at liberty to bring their talents anywhere. The UFL and CFL have struggled to grab a foothold in the American football market for quite some time now... could they take advantage and create a new American football league?

Already, posters on UFL message boards are drooling at the prospect.

At issue is this: do you believe it's the NFL executives and owners that make the NFL so great, or the players?

Certainly, a new league or expanded UFL/CFL would undergo growing pains. You don't go from a second-class outfit to "the big leagues" overnight. But NFL-caliber talent attracts NFL-caliber dollars. What would happen if Coach Bill, Tom Brady and the rest of his New England Patriots teammates decided to all join the Hartford Colonials? Would all those Patriots fans stick with Bob Kraft? Or would they throw on "New England Colonials" jerseys? I'd say the latter. Other teams can follow suit, joining existing UFL/CFL teams or new expansion teams, headed by investors who have been itching for a piece of the NFL pie for years. There's plenty of places to play football other than NFL-owned stadiums. How about the Lions playing in Michigan Stadium? They'd probably have MORE fans fill the seats there than currently do at Pontiac.

Of course, players wouldn't be bound to stay with their previous squads. What if a group of Pro Bowlers decided they wanted to start a team in South Beach, ala LeBron and company? Forget about the sad sack Miami Dolphins, welcome to the juggernaut Miami Sharks.

Coach Pacino

Certainly, ticket sales, a tv deal,and a wave of new merchandise would all raise money for the fledgling league and help pay salaries. The UFL today pays their players a pittance... but only because the league earns a pittance. With legions of football fans having nowhere else to turn, a new league would have a market of hungry fans willing to spend the money they once spent on the NFL.

No, it's not likely. But why are we trusting 32 people with a sport we love? Especially when they've shown they value money over the sport itself?

2011-02-25T08:00:00.004-05:00

Attention-Grabbing Facebook Ads

Is that... a monkey???

I'm not sure what that monkey is doing with that bikini-clad babe at the pool, but I'm fairly sure clicking the link won't help me find out...

...

...

I clicked it. I was right. No relief to be had for my curiosity. Damn you Facebook Ads!!!

2011-02-15T08:20:00.027-05:00

The Facebook Effect: Tunisia, Egypt and The Oscars

In 2003, President George Bush had a theory he thought would change the world. How much of the theory was actually his and not Dick Cheney's and his neocon buddies' is up for debate, but the gist of the idea was this: Get rid of Saddam Hussein, establish democracy in Iraq, and the rest of the Middle East would fall into freedom like a cascade of dominoes.

In 2011, we're seeing the Middle East falling into freedom like a cascade of dominoes. Huzzah! Were Bush and Cheney, gasp, actually right??

Well, yes and no. They were right about one thing: freedom is contagious. It's common sense, really. If your hard-earned money is being taxed, then you're funding your government. And if your government treats you like a slave, that breeds resentment. Freedom is the logical desire: the hope that your efforts will provide you, and not the members of your government, with a better life. The hope that one day, nothing will stand in the way of your happiness.

It makes sense that if the yoke of autocratic rule is thrown off in a country where that hope once seemed impossible--those elsewhere who similarly seek freedom will be encouraged to take action.

Autocrats rule by making their people believe that freedom isn't for them. They stay in power by making their people fear that without an iron fist, anarchy will take over. Once that illusion is dispelled, there's nothing left to hold back the floodgates of democracy.

But the Cheney-Bush Middle East domino theory was wrong, catastrophically wrong, about the agent of change. They believed military intervention would be the driver behind a people's revolution. According to them, the people would only rise up if they knew they had the backing of a superpower, the United States. Without military assistance from abroad, the people would be too scared to turn on their leaders.

We've recently seen otherwise. The revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt (and possibly elsewhere... Iran and Saudi Arabia being next in line), were not precipitated by the U.S. military intervention in Iraq and Afghanistan. Instead, they were sparked by another idea that developed in 2003.

Facebook.

From The New York Times:

After a strike that March in the city of Mahalla, Egypt, Mr. Maher and his friends called for a nationwide general strike for April 6. To promote it, they set up a Facebook group that became the nexus of their movement, which they were determined to keep independent from any of the established political groups. Bad weather turned the strike into a nonevent in most places, but in Mahalla a demonstration by the workers’ families led to a violent police crackdown — the first major labor confrontation in years.

Just a few months later, after a strike in Tunisia, a group of young online organizers followed the same model, setting up what became the Progressive Youth of Tunisia. The organizers in both countries began exchanging their experiences over Facebook. The Tunisians faced a more pervasive police state than the Egyptians, with less latitude for blogging or press freedom, but their trade unions were stronger and more independent. “We shared our experience with strikes and blogging,” Mr. Maher recalled...

After the Tunisian revolution on Jan. 14, the April 6 Youth Movement saw an opportunity to turn its little-noticed annual protest on Police Day — the Jan. 25 holiday that celebrates a police revolt that was suppressed by the British — into a much bigger event. Mr. Ghonim used the Facebook site to mobilize support. If at least 50,000 people committed to turn out that day, the site suggested, the protest could be held. More than 100,000 signed up.

“I have never seen a revolution that was preannounced before,” Mr. Ghonim said.

In Tunisia and Egypt, where the rights to public assembly were severely restricted, and free speech non-existent, Facebook became the logical place to organize and assemble a protest.

The youthful leaders of the respective opposition movements each took advantage of Facebook's age gap-- it's unlikely that Mubarak or Ben Ali were checking their Facebook newsfeeds or that their secret police even took note of the myriad Facebook groups dedicated to ousting their regimes. It's likely that Mubarak and Ben Ali, if they even thought about Facebook at all, thought about it like some harmless fad, a method that the youth of the nation used to share pictures and post baby bunny videos.

They soon discovered, however, that Facebook could be a powerful force. By bringing together people and their social networks, information could fly fast and unfiltered among dozens, hundreds, thousands of people at once. Dictators like Ben Ali and Mubarak relied on control of information to control their people. Facebook subverted that control, providing a conduit for mass communication that flowed free of government censors.

Freedom is contagious. But it didn't spread through military intervention. It's spreading through technological innovation.

In Apple's famous 1984 Macintosh TV spot, a hammer thrower shatters the Big Brother image lording over a population of slaves:

Twenty-seven years later, we're seeing the fulfillment of that promise: technology destroying totalitarian control. Apple is part of that-- leading the way with mobile devices that allow people access to information anywhere. Google is part of that too, bringing together facts and information from all perspectives and corners of the Earth-- it shouldn't surprise us that an Egyptian Google executive would be such an integral part of the Egyptian uprising.

Facebook completes the freedom-fighter's toolkit, providing a digital gathering place, a way to show people dreaming of a better tomorrow that they're not only not alone, but part of the majority.

Bush's military policy removed Hussein and the Taliban from power, but it didn't empower the people of Iraq and Afghanistan. Their revolution was stolen from them. Instead of rising up and grabbing control of their country, someone else grabbed it for them. And as a result, they got neither the leadership nor the constitution they wanted. They got... "America, F*ck Yeah!"

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan left the people feeling powerless and helpless, dependent on a foreign nation for all their daily needs. All at the cost of billions of American dollars and thousands of American lives.

Of course, the inability to see the future is a condition shared by more people than just Bush and Cheney. In 2003, not even Mark Zuckerberg (and the Winklevoss twins) could have known that social networking would step into a pretty major global role as a real-world action driver. But what if? What if we had the patience not to go to war?

Would the regimes of Iraq and Afghanistan have fallen on their own, as their populations became more digitally connected? Or were their technological infrastructures so primitive that the world of Facebook would have been inaccessible to them, even eight years later?

These questions aren't addressed, or even hinted at in the blockbuster film, The Social Network, about the origins of Facebook. I liked the film, but the movie reduces Facebook to a hookup engine... one reason, I suspect, that Mark Zuckerberg wasn't its biggest fan. But one can't blame the writers and producers. The truth is, our awareness of the power of Facebook has only recently been heightened, by its use in Tunisia and Egypt, and its influence in the Tea Party movement of our own country. The true utilities of Facebook's social network have yet to be fully explored.

If Facebook can spark a democratic revolution in a place where such a thing seemed impossible... then are there any limits the the change it can ferment in the world?

Is Facebook the new military intervention?

Is Facebook... world peace???

If The Social Newtork wins an Oscar, it won't win it for what was depicted on screen: a vapid tale of success at all costs. It will win because the members of the Academy and all the rest of us know--even while we're posting stupid status updates and links to Justin Bieber videos--that Facebook isn't just a website, it's become something inextricable from our lives.

The future of the human race has always relied on the evolution of our communications. Our planet is a large one, and our experiences on it are diverse. The closer we can come together and the stronger the lines that connect us, the more difficult it will be for us to fall apart. Once upon a time, communiques sent by flaming beacons and carrier pigeons helped end wars. It's foolish to think of Facebook and WiFi as anything less than the latest in a series of innovations that will help transform the world into a better place.

Perhaps instead of sending armies to remove dictators, we should be sending routers and iPhones.

We're seeing the power of technology at work right now. In a cascade of dominoes set off not by a gun, but by the Like button.

2011-01-24T08:57:00.002-05:00

Did The Steelers Cheat?

The Jets should have beat the Steelers yesterday. Even despite that terrible first half. If they hadn't of absolutely called the worst possible plays when inside the Steelers 5-yard line, we might be talking about a Jets Superbowl right now.

But the play calling wasn't the only issue on the pivotal drive that ended in no points instead of a TD for the Jets (one play later, they added a safety, but it was too little, too late).

According to the Daily News:

"As Sanchez was waiting for the call from Schottenheimer on second down, he said the radio in his helmet had gone haywire, something the QB said he had to deal with all night. Why wasn't it fixed? It's happened in other games, Sanchez said, but never for that long. He kept pointing to his helmet as the 40-second play clock was working its way down.

"The problem was the headset kept going out multiple times during the game," Sanchez said. "I had to run over and get a couple of calls, piece together some calls in the headset that came in broken up. It's just one of those things that we were fighting through and I was proud of our guys for trying to piece it together."

At one point during the game, the Jets had to use a walkie-talkie. This time, at this crucial moment, Sanchez ran over toward the sidelines. Schottenheimer met him halfway on the field and gave him the call with about 18 seconds on the play clock. Sanchez hustled to the huddle and quickly called the play, the 40-second clock winding down toward zero. The Jets, in what would be their most important series of the year, rushed to the line. Sanchez didn't want to use the Jets' first timeout of the second half, knowing it would be valuable later on. Nick Mangold snapped the ball just before the play clock expired."

According to ESPN:

"The primary headset used to communicate with the quarterback went out after the first possession, and the backup unit stopped functioning in the fourth quarter as the Jets were attempting to convert on a first-and-goal from the Steelers' 2 with roughly eight minutes left in the game and down 24-10."

The result from all these headset issues? 4 and out, many, many precious seconds ticked off from the clock.

Maybe that's why Jets coach Rex Ryan took out his rage on his headset:

However, more than one Jets fan has speculated that the headset issues may not have been an innocent quirk of technology:

I investigated to see whether this thing has ever helped the Steelers win a game before...

It hasn't.

Sorry Jets fans. Unless a Steelers' employee slips up and admits subterfuge, we're all gonna have to blame this on Schottenheimer and some faulty headsets.

And, as my high school friend Jin points out, a Jets-Steelers trade that up until the final seconds, seemed to be in the Jets favor:

"Santonio holmes was traded to jets for 5th round pick, that 5th round pick was then traded to cardinals for mcfadden pluz a 6th round pick..... guess who that 6th round pick was.... antonio brown, the guy caught the last pass on 3rd and 6 to beat who? the jets! funny how things works out, not such a bad trade after all."

2011-01-20T08:08:00.009-05:00

Fountain Lady Has Lawyer, But Absolutely No Case

This video is hilarious:

This video is sad: "Fountain Lady" Ponders Lawsuit

The original video posted on YouTube did not identify the woman, and the resolution of the tape is insufficient to identify the woman either. The only reason the woman was identified was because she identified herself as the bumbling texter, gave interviews to newspapers and went on television.

So did the video cause her humiliation? Or did she?

She also claims no one came to her aid. As is apparent in the video, not many people saw her. Only one person in the video can be seen looking directly at the incident... and he approaches the woman to ask if she's alright.

The woman got up and out of the fountain swiftly. She didn't appear injured, just embarrassed. Was this something mall security really had to respond to? This seems like something that's not part of their job description.

But now of course, she's planning to sue.

Given the video evidence, she'd fail in court. The threatened lawsuit is simply a ploy to extract a settlement from a mall owner who probably won't want to spend the money to lawyer up. The woman's lawyer is betting they'll settle for a sum less than potential lawyer fees and court costs. Meanwhile, the woman's lawyer will get a percentage of the settlement and some free publicity for his practice.

The irony is, the woman could have spun this into considerably more money by NOT suing. She could have taken advantage of her comic pratfall, spinning it into ads for cell phone unlimited texting plans or one of those, "Wanna Get Away?" Southwest Airlines commercials. I mean, that crying Britney Spears guy made a few bucks, any YouTube viral star should be able to.

Now she's just another sad example of America's love affair with litigation.

2011-01-19T08:45:00.001-05:00

If You Don't Believe In Jesus, Don't Live In Alabama

The new governor of Alabama was sworn in yesterday. As governor, it will be his responsibility to make sure everyone in his state is protected equally under the law. Except those damn Jews, Buddhists, Muslims,and Atheists.

"[I am] governor of all of Alabama — Democrat, Republican and independent, young and old, black and white, rich and poor," Robert Bentley told the crowd at Montgomery's Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church, according to the Birmingham News. "If you're a Christian and you're saved... it makes you and me brother and sister... if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister..."

So if his wife is Christian, does that mean he's committing incest?

UPDATE: The governor has offered a half-assed, non-apology apology:

"What I would like to do is apologize. Should anyone who heard those words and felt disenfranchised, I want to say, 'I'm sorry.'"

(emphasis mine)

2011-01-14T08:47:00.014-05:00

Minnesota Paper, MSNBC Invent Horoscope Horror

So yesterday, I almost had a heart attack. I read an article on MSNBC that claimed Zodiac signs had recently changed, due to "Earth's wobble." Yes, because of Earth's weak cankles, I was no longer a Gemini.

This was like learning my dad isn't really my dad, or that I've secretly been living in a giant snow globe all my life. Hell no, I am not a damn Taurus.

I wasn't the only one who panicked. According to Yahoo, searches on "zodiac signs" went through the roof.

The original report apparently came from the Minnesota Star Tribune:

"When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it's really not in Pisces," said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.

But this morning, Kunkle's quote was proved to be total baloney. According to Yahoo, Kunkle's statement was based on a form of Eastern astrology, called Sidereal astrology. We use the sensible kind of astrology, Western astrology.

"It's a huge point of confusion for the public," says Bing Quock, assistant director of Morrison Planetarium at the California Academy of Sciences. For those who follow Western astrology, "astrologers are not talking about the constellations at all. When an astrologer says the sun is in a certain sign, they're talking about the sign, the location relative to the equinox. They're not talking about the location of the constellations. "

A recent shift in Eastern astrology signs would still be considered some sort of news, if not the panic-inducing variety. However... it's not new news. The shift happened thousands of years ago and Eastern astrology accounted for the shift with the advent of modern astronomy hundreds of years ago.

What's the deal, Star Tribune and MSNBC? Slow news day? Couldn't interview the Arizona shooter's neighbor's cousin's best friend's manicurist's dry cleaner? Media organizations should have to pay a fine for upsetting people with bullcrap articles. And they should pay it to me.

Clearly, the lesson here is never trust a man named Parke Kunkle. Instead, trust people named Bing Quock.

2011-01-14T08:37:00.004-05:00

New Facebook Profile Oddity

My Facebook profile was recently updated... and I find one thing a little bit odd:

Picture Censored To Protect Privacy, Potential Embarrassment

Why is it necessary to identify my family members as (male) or (female) in such a prominent way? Most everyone on Facebook lists their sex on their profile, but nowhere else on the site does someone's sex appear directly next to his or her name. I could understand it if this were Pat, or Alex, or Dee Snider, but Mark and Adam? I think it's pretty obvious they're not ladies.

Someone from Facebook care to explain this strange design choice?

2011-01-12T17:01:00.004-05:00

Snowpocalypse!!!!

On the left is the final image of the 2004 blockbuster movie The Day After Tomorrow. On the right, is the current coverage of snow across North America (click to enlarge).

Bygads! Why, oh why didn't we listen to Al Gore, Roland Emmerich and Jake Gyllenhaal?? Now, certainly, a Russian freighter will somehow beach itself in front of the New York Public Library and scores of super-strength wolves will attack us.

And I didn't even get a snow day today!

2011-01-12T08:59:00.016-05:00

In Space, No One Can Hear You Yerkin It

The recent auction of a Playboy centerfold smuggled aboard Apollo 12's spaceflight to the moon raises a potentially sticky question for NASA... has anyone masturbated in space?

NASA, predictably, has remained mum on the subject. But according to a blog published by the Houston Chronicle, Apollo 11 command module pilot Michael Collins wrote in a book that:

"One doctor advised regular masturbation, advice [Skylab crew member] Joe [Kerwin] ignored."

If NASA doctors were advising it, then it's likely someone other than Joe Kerwin followed doctor's orders. And, um... how exactly did Collins verify Kerwin's story?

According to space habitat architect Constance Adams, erections are difficult to achieve in zero gravity because "blood tends to collect in the head and feet." But ask any guy who's been in the freezing cold ocean when a rogue wave pops some sunbunny's top off, and they'll tell you that "difficult" and "impossible" are not the same thing.

I Was In The Pool!!!!

And that doesn't rule out female masturbation. Women may not be as horny as men, but Sally Ride had to at least be curious.

As Drew Magary of the sports/whimsy website Deadspin wrote this week, "If you have a confined space to yourself, THAT IS ACCEPTABLE JERKING SPACE."

In any case, its likely that even if Apollo 12 crew member Richard Gordon didn't spend his alone time in the orbiting command module playing the pink trombone, at some point in the 42 years Gordon has possessed the picture, he or another male member of his family probably stretched the skin slinky to it.

In that case, whoever bids $1000 or more on this thing is buying used merchandise. Moon dust might not be the only residue to come up under a microscope.

Just something for collectors to consider.

2011-01-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

Viva La Mexico!

"At the site of the double murder in the morning, one officer dabbed at a pool of blood and body fluid on the driveway with a stick; another picked up a piece of flesh and playfully tossed it at a companion."

From the New York Times: Bit by Bit, a Mexican Police Force Is Eradicated

Its a good time to be a drug cartel in Mexico, that's for sure.

2011-01-07T08:00:00.036-05:00

Statistics, Or, When Does Life Begin, Exactly?

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Archbishop Timothy Dolan is pretty steamed about the large percentage of abortions occurring in New York City. Admittedly, the number provided by the city Department of Health is a bit chilling: 38.7%. More than a third of pregnancies ending in abortion? Why aren't people using birth control??

But the Archbishop claimed an even higher number:

“That 41% of New York babies are aborted, a percentage even higher in the Bronx and among our African-American babies in the womb, is downright chilling,” said the archbishop, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church in New York City. “I invite all to come together to make abortion rare,” he added.

Where does the Archbishop get 2.3% more abortions from?

According to the WSJ:

The numbers were released by the Chiaroscuro Foundation, a not-for-profit supporting alternatives to abortion... Foundation officials didn’t include miscarriages in their total pregnancy number, resulting in the different rates.

If a pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, it wasn't included as part of the total number of pregnancies. The number of abortions remained constant, but the Foundation shrunk the total pregnancy number, accounting for the slightly higher percentage of abortions.

There's no valid statistical reason for the Foundation to do what they did. A pregnancy that ends in miscarriage is still a pregnancy that could have ended in abortion instead. So it should be included in the total pregnancy figure.

Unless the Foundation, and the Archbishop, believe pregnancies that end in miscarriage don't count as pregnancies.

That's what the figures they're using imply: a failed pregnancy was never a pregnancy at all. And if they believe that, then does that mean there was never any baby at all? By leaving out the pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, the Foundation and the Archbishop posit that pregnancy only counts as pregnancy if a baby could have come out of the womb alive. And we know there's no 100% guarantee of that at any stage of pregnancy, no matter how well a fetus is progressing. If a miscarriage was never a pregnancy, does this mean the Foundation and the Archbishop are tacitly acknowledging the gray area that exists between conception and birth?

Either the Chiaroscuro Foundation and the Archbishop left out the miscarriages to deceptively goose the abortion rate higher, or they're unsure as to when "life" really begins.

And if even the faithful are unsure, then how can anyone create a law defining it?

2010-12-20T08:01:00.014-05:00

The 5 Worst Football Games Ever Played By The New York Giants

What happened yesterday? Anything interesting? I can't recall. Doesn't seem like yesterday ever happened.

Oh, who am I kidding. I can't forget. The New York Giants were up 31-10 with 8 minutes left in the fourth quarter, at home, against their hated rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, in a battle for division supremacy, a first round bye and home field playoff advantage... and they collapsed like the roof of the Minnesota Vikings' Metrodome.

I was at the game. You always want to be a part of history when you go a game at the stadium, so you can tell your friends you saw Osi Umenyora sack McNabb 6 times, or saw Tiki Barber ring up 276 yards from scrimmage in a close Giants win. You just don't want to witness the other team make history, like the Eagles scoring the most points in the fourth quarter that they ever have, ever.

To me, it was the worst Giants loss in franchise history. No, it wasn't a playoff game, but it made Philadelphia fans happy and rewarded a dog-murderer, at the expense of a possible first round bye and home field advantage. It got me to thinking about other terrible Giants' losses over the years...

5. The "Miracle" At The Meadowlands: This one was before my time, but every Giants fan knows about it. In 1978, the Giants were about to upset the Eagles 17-12, potentially knocking Philadelphia out of the playoffs. All the Giants had to do to win was run out the clock. As in, hike the ball, kneel down. The Eagles had no timeouts, the Giants were leading, and there were 31 seconds left. Kneel the ball, it's over. Instead, the Giants ran the ball. Or tried to. The handoff was botched, Herm Edwards (future Jets coach) picked the ball up and scooted to the game-winning touchdown. A heartbreaking loss, but only #5 on our list because the Giants back then were going nowhere.

4. The 1997 NFC Wild Card Game. In 1997, the Giants had the #1 defense and was riding a hot streak into the playoffs, not bad for a team that had gone 6-10 the previous season. Then they faced Minnesota in the first round.

The Giants took a 19-3 lead into the half. By 7:42 left, they were up 22-13, still a two-score game. With a minute and a half to go, Randall Cunningham, who had been unemployed earlier that season, completed a touchdown to bring the Vikings within 2. The Vikings kicked an onside kick... and recovered. Cunningham led the Vikings into field goal range and the winner sailed through the uprights with 10 seconds left.

3. The Trey Junkin Game: The Giants were up 38-14 with 18 minutes left in the NFC Wild Card game against the San Francisco 49ers. Then they forgot how to play football. They started fighting. They drew stupid penalty after stupid penalty. The Giants' long-snapper was injured, so they had recently signed 19-year veteran Trey Junkin for field goals and punts. On a 42-yard field goal that would have iced the game, he made a terrible snap, and Matt Bryant hooked it.

With 1:00 left, San Francisco quarterback Jeff Garcia gave the 49ers the lead on a 13-yard TD pass to Tai Streets. Even so, a personal foul penalty against the 49ers would have given the Giants excellent field position for the winning field goal. Instead, Shaun Williams decided to slug the guy back, and the penalties were offsetting.

Unfathomably, the Giants got into field goal range anyway. Bryant lined up for the kick. He never got the chance. The snap was laughably bad, and Giants' punter Matt Allen heaved a desperate pass into the end zone. The pass was incomplete, but a flag was down. Pass interference, on the 49ers. Giants ball at the 1 with no time. Except a Giants' lineman was illegally downfield. The refs said that penalty negated the pass interference, and the game was over.

2. Superbowl XXXV: The Giants were coming into Superbowl XXXV off a dominant performance (41-0) in the NFC Championship game against the Minnesota Vikings. Baltimore had Trent Dilfer as their QB, and their best defensive played had just been investigated for his role in a fatal shooting.

The Giants fell behind early, due to their quarterback, Kerry Collins, throwing interception after interception. But then the Giants' Ron Dixon returned a kickoff 97 yards, cutting the Ravens lead to 17-7.

Immediately afterward, the Ravens' Jermaine Lewis returned the ensuing kickoff 84 yards for a TD.

The rout was on. Kerry Collins threw 4 interceptions total. All 16 times the Giants had the ball, they either punted or turned it over. Final score, 34-7.

1. Eight Minutes Of Hell: That's what I'm dubbing this game. And it is the worst the Giants have ever played. No, this wasn't a playoff game, no this wasn't the Superbowl, but in only this loss did the entire Giants team screw up in ways big and small to throw away an important game. People can try to make punter Matt Dodge the scapegoat, but really, no one is blameless. I was there, and it truly was 8 minutes of hell.

Part of me must have known what the Giants were in for. I took this photo at the point in the game when I thought the Giants had put the nail in the coffin:

It didn't take long for everything to go wrong.

Michael Vick, Eagles QB and former Bad Newz Kennels CEO, ran away from pressure for a monster gain. Then he connected on a 65-yard TD to TE Brent Celek. Then everyone in the stadium expected the Eagles to onside kick the ball.

Except for the Giants, who expected the Eagles to replace their starters and call it quits.

The Giants made no attempt to field the onside kick, and a few plays later, Vick ran it into the end zone to pull the Eagles within a TD.

Eli Manning and Co. couldn't do anything to run down the clock or put more points on the board. Their drive stalled with a horrific false-start penalty.

With 1:16, Vick hit Jeremey Maclin on a TD pass to cap one of the easiest drives the Eagles have ever had.

Game tied, Giants got the ball back with just over a minute. The Giants came out throwing. Manning threw his first pass about a mile from the closest Giant. His second pass was nearly intercepted. The Giants went 3 and out. Giants punter Matt Dodge headed onto the field.

At this point, I told my Dad, "Let's go."

"But Adam, the score's tied, don't you want to see overtime?"

"It's not going to overtime, Dad."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's go beat the crowd to the train."

"There's only 17 seconds left..."

"Dodge is going to shank the punt, it's going to take the Eagles one play to get into field goal range, and Akers will put it away. Let's go."

My Dad and I started shuffling down the aisle. We were almost out of our row when the snap almost went over Dodge's head. We were out of our row, onto the stairs as the punt hit Dodge's foot and made a beeline for DeShawn Jackson, the Eagles star punt returner. Jackson had crossed the 30 by the time we were two steps up the stairs to the exit. The last thing I saw, as we headed out of the stands and into the concourse, was DeShawn Jackson holding out the ball as he danced along the goal line, a few Giants halfheartedly chasing him. We missed the part where Jackson fired the ball into the stands and Giants Coach Tom Coughlin threw down his clipboard.

It was the worst loss in what is quickly becoming a frustrating season for the Giants. At one point, pundits said they were the best team in the NFL and a bonifide challenger for the Super Bowl. Now they look like they're lucky to still have a shot at the playoffs.

Matt Dodge should be let go. He's cost the Giants too much this year. But this game wasn't all his fault. How do you not prepare for an onside kick? How do you get a false start penalty with a chance to run out the game? How do you miss open receivers by so much on a pivotal drive?

I saw history. Maybe the moment when Tom Coughlin became history too.

2010-12-14T08:18:00.000-05:00

So Maybe Barack Obama Wasn't Born In The States?

... Because apparently, Hawaii is not a state.

Two weeks after declaring war on Spain, US Rep. Francis Newlands (D-Nevada) submitted a resolution calling for the annexation of Hawaii by the United States. Influential military figures like Rear Admiral Alfred T. Mahan and General John Schofield testified that the possession of Hawaii by the United States was of "paramount importance." It was in this atmosphere that the Newlands Resolution moved from the House to the Senate and became a joint resolution which President McKinley signed, claiming to have successfully annexed the Hawaiian Islands.

On August 12, 1898, the Hawaiian flag was lowered, the American flag raised, and the Territory of Hawaii formally declared.

But... a Congressional joint resolution is American legislation restricted to the boundaries of the United States. The key to Hawaii's legal status... remains with the 1893 executive agreement between two heads of state: President Grover Cleveland and Queen Liliuokalani.

Unlike other land acquisitions made by cession and voluntary treaties with the French, Spanish, British, Russia and the 1848 Guadalupe Hidalgo Treaty that ended the Mexican-American war... there is no treaty of cession, and thus no ceded lands, by then-acting head of state Queen Liliuokalani.

Oh, great. This ought to get the birthers riled up.

2010-12-08T08:41:00.005-05:00

This Ad Just Maybe Misses The Mark

Hey Ladies, Want A Raise? Then Just Wash Your Hoo-Ha.

2010-12-07T08:30:00.007-05:00

The Five Worst Holiday Gift Ideas For 2010

I love holiday shopping. It's just fun to buy gifts, and it's especially fun to receive them. I even wrote a gift guide on this blog two years ago (some of those stores have since closed). But today, I'm writing about bad gifts. Laughably bad gifts that are available from major retailers this holiday season. These Ho Ho Horrendous presents are guaranteed to ruin anyone's Christmas or Chanukah spirit.

5. Pillow Remote Control

This is what happens when someone has an idea and never really thinks it all the way through. "You’ll never lose this remote in-between the cushions. Because it IS a cushion!!!!!!"

Um, yeah, it's also an uncomfortable pillow, and incredibly awkward as a remote. There's a distinct possibility laying down on it will change the channel. It's not exactly ergonomically designed and lacks easy navigation controls for today's menu-based cable and satellite systems. The sum of the parts, in this case, does not add up to a whole.

4. Tokyoflash Kisai Wasted Watch

Someone will want this. Someone will inevitably think this looks cool. But for more than $80, plus shipping and handling, this wristwatch will make telling the time... almost impossible. I mean, there's a whole YouTube video explaining it, and I'm still lost. Imagine if you're running late. You'd never know it.

3. Ballistic Shoes

According to SkyMall, these shoes can "defy gravity" and "catapult" your legs as you run. They also feature, for some unexplained reason, a sperm logo. Ball-istic indeed!

2. Beard Oil

As much as I like New York Magazine and their quirky gift recommendations... oil for a beard? Even if your man (or woman) sports a beard, it's hard to imagine anyone getting that excited over this.

1. The Vulcanite Anal Douche

This product was actually featured in Yahoo's Holiday Gift Guide (Under "Personal Care"). I guess that's why they're not as big as Google.

Of course, I guess this gift works if you're trying to send a message.

2010-12-06T08:30:00.003-05:00

I Would Just Like To Point Out That I Called Derek Jeter's New Contract

On November 24th I wrote:

"If you're Theo Epstein, GM of the Boston Red Sox, you've got to be thinking of offering Derek Jeter more than $45 million for three years... Say $51 million for three years."

According to the AP (on December 4th), Derek Jeter signed a 3 year, $51 million dollar contract with the Yankees this weekend.

When I came up with $51 million for three years (on November 24th), that figure hadn't been reported anywhere. I added 2 million a year to the most recently reported Yankee offer, reasoning that would be more in line with what Jeter felt he was worth.

Clearly, Jeter either reads this blog, or his agent does. I can't think of any other explanation.

2010-11-24T08:17:00.005-05:00

Derek Jeter To The Red Sox?

Jeter To Boston?

Let's get this out of the way: It'll never happen. Derek Jeter will never be a Red Sox player, just as black will never be red and Jessica Alba will never sleep with me.

But if you're Theo Epstein, GM of the Boston Red Sox, you've got to be thinking of offering Derek Jeter more than $45 million for three years, which is the New York Yankees best reported offer thus far. Just to screw with your biggest rival.

Now, Derek Jeter is probably not worth even close to that kind of money. The Yankees know it, and Derek likely knows it as well. But teams overpay for veterans all the time. It's nothing new, and Jeter carries with him a certain cachet which makes him more valuable in terms of merchandise and ticket sales.

But let's say Boston does offer Jeter more. Say $51 million for three years. What's the worst case scenario for the Red Sox? Jeter actually accepts. That's not that bad an outcome. Currently, the Red Sox have an infield of Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Jed Lowrie (a rising star) and... well Marco Scutaro.

Derek Jeter is an upgrade over Marco Scutaro, at least at the plate. And theoretically, if Pedroia was moved to shortstop, Jeter's defensive liabilities could be covered up some at 2nd base. Jeter's skills have declined, but not to the point where he's a bench player. He could add that spark that Boston was missing last year.

And of course, there's an additional bonus for Boston. Yankees fans would kill themselves. This seems to be the main reason Boston fans would support the move.

But Jeter actually accepting a Boston offer is highly unlikely. He's well aware of his legacy, and he's seen how Brett Favre's life has gone these past few years. The likely outcome is far more favorable to Boston than Jeter putting on a Red Sox uniform.

In reality, a Boston offer would terrify the Yankees fan base and put pressure on Brian Cashman and Hank Steinbrenner to get a deal done. It would give Jeter leverage to get more money or more years, handcuffing the Yankees to a potentially geriatric money pit down the line. And it would energize Boston fans during the offseason, at the very least giving them material with which to effectively taunt their hated enemy.

Theo would be playing a game of chicken, sure. But one in which he could be reasonably certain the Yankees would swerve first. And even if they didn't, he'd have a player who could fill a hole in the Red Sox infield while simultaneously stabbing a hole in the Yankees hearts.

As a Yankees fan, I hope Theo doesn't buy into this diabolical scheme. But it's not out of the realm of possibility.

2010-11-22T17:41:00.020-05:00

Why We Shouldn't Care About Global Warming

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and that means plenty of time with the extended family. In my family, like most others, we have people from both sides of the political spectrum. And that means certain issues are bound to divide the dinner table. One of these is Global Warming. A few years ago, it seemed like Republicans and Democrats had finally reached agreement that it was a very real problem. But recently, Republicans have tended to be more vociferous about the "lingering doubts" and "shady science" surrounding Al Gore's favorite subject.

They're right about one thing. We shouldn't give a shit about Global Warming. In fact, the Earth would probably be a lot better off if we just forgot about the whole thing.

A recent study conducted by scientists at the University of California at Berkeley found that people just don't respond well to the dire, catastrophic worldview presented by Global Warming alarmists. The truth is, Global Warming seems so huge, so... global, that a lot of people have a hard time getting their heads around it.

People don't like the smell of smokestacks. They don't like mountains of trash. People don't like to see baby animals die, and they don't like being stuck in traffic behind some ancient car spewing fumes. People are inclined to want a clean place to live, and they naturally don't want things added to the environment that cause cancer and birth defects. But in people's day to day lives, they really don't think too much about icebergs and polar bears.

According to Wikipedia, Global Warming came into vogue in the late 1980's, when NASA scientist James E. Hansen said to Congress: "global warming has reached a level such that we can ascribe with a high degree of confidence a cause and effect relationship between the greenhouse effect and the observed warming." Why the press and the international community went wild over such a boring quote in such a boring setting, I have no idea.

But what Global Warming did was hijack environmentalism. Instead of arguing that smokestacks and inefficient cars made our country a less pleasant place to live, and hurt our health, the argument became: burning fossil fuels raises global temperatures by a small, difficult to notice degree that will harm the distant future of the world. Instead of arguing that burning fossil fuels is living on borrowed time, the argument became, burning fossil fuels shortens the lifespan of the Earth as a whole.

An industrial polluter, gas company or fan of muscle cars can't put up any argument that burning fossil fuels lays waste to surrounding areas and clogs up our lungs: we see the evidence every day, all around us. Stand on a street corner when a bus pulls up and idles-- you can smell that something's not quite right. Look outside at the neighborhood covered in freshly fallen snow... then look a few minutes later, when soot and grime rules out any snowman-building. With our own eyes, we see how disgusting pollution can be. Hell, drive through Newark sometime.

To polluters, Global Warming was a gift. A difficult-to-see, difficult-to-measure effect that even scientists admitted probably wouldn't bother any of us in our lifetimes. Global Warming could easily be dismissed with jokes about "Indian summers" and beach days in March. Global Warming even provided a great political cartoon character, Al Gore, who could be pilloried in conservative media and of course, South Park:

Our environment is vital to our health and our national security. Pollution puts food sources at risk, and has a measurable effect on lung health and quality of life. When it comes to pollution, air and otherwise, no one wants it in their backyard. Ask anyone, Republican or Democrat, if pollution is bad, and you won't hear anyone say no.

So lets stop harping on this Global Warming thing. Chances are, it's true, pollutants are contributing to a global rise in temperature that will eventually lead to Jake Gyllenhaal heroically saving a band of survivors hiding out in the New York Public Library after a supercell snowstorm sends the northern hemisphere into a new Ice Age. But that sounds ridiculous, and no one except Al Gore really worries too much about it.

Instead, talk about how our dependence on fossil fuels has made us indebted to places rife with terrorism and anti-American sentiment. Talk about how exhaust from gas-powered cars has been found to cause cancer and respiratory illness. Talk about the hundreds, thousands of reasons why caps on pollution are more than just wise, but necessary to prevent the escalating health care costs and deaths associated with burning fossil fuels. You can even get a bit wistful and talk about how all the resources on this planet today are all the resources we will ever have, and once they're used up, there will be nothing but toxic residue left for our future generations.

Just don't talk about Global Warming. It might as well not exist.

2010-11-18T08:49:00.000-05:00

How The Republicans Like To Win

I'm sure there's many good reasons why New Jersey's Governor Christie hates teacher's unions. But its hard to think of any.

It's not that they're overpaid. The pay they receive for the important job they do is terrible.

There's tenure, sure, and that makes them difficult to fire, but tenure exists for a noble reason. The fact is, there are parents out there who really hate facts like science and history, and if a teacher teaches something that is undeniably true but deemed incompatible with certain political or religious beliefs, those parents will seek to get that teacher fired. Schools are supposed to be about teaching facts and critical thinking, so tenure is a way to make sure that politics doesn't put the education of children at risk.

Wait... I think I just answered my own question.

Governor Christie hates tenure so much because it prevents him from replacing unbiased teachers with ones who will brainwash kids into believing that the Republican party is the one favored by God.

I suppose that's a reasonable goal... except it's not. But no matter. I'm sure Governor Christie believes in having a fair debate on the subject, hearing from both sides of the issue, and using facts to bolster his side of the argument.

Except he doesn't.

Because he's a Republican. And Republicans don't use things like facts to sway Americans. They use the politics of personal destruction.

Like this:
Hero teacher's life destroyed.

Because its not good enough to make reasonable appeals for education reform. Republicans don't like to win by making a solid argument. They like to win by bullying people, destroying lives, ripping people to shreds.

Even heroes.

If Superman was a Democrat, the Republicans would push for Kryptonite to be added to the water supply.

2010-11-03T08:59:00.006-04:00

An In-Depth Analysis Of Why Prop 19, To Legalize Weed In California, Failed

A protest rally is being held. The band Phish appear and play the first couple of lines from "Run Like An Antelope". They suddenly stop for something.

SINGER
Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. (sniffing the air) I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal.

PIANIST
If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outa here!

DRUMMER
We can wait all night, people.

Hans Moleman (wearing a psychedelic T-shirt) holds up his prescription slip.

DRUMMER
Here we go. (reads it) Whoa. This guy is seriously ill.

HANS MOLEMAN
My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish.

SINGER
A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

They continue with their song. A little while later, they incorporate the Simpsons theme tune into their set.

PIANIST
Thank you! And now, a man who's a real po-thead... I'm sorry, pot-head... Homer Simpson!

HOMER
Good afternoon. I wanna thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs... (crowd all mutter "Jobs?") Cause we need to keep medical marijuana legal! (crowd cheer) Whether you suffer from glaucoma, or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous! ...medically. (crowd cheer) So my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that voting booth on Tuesday the 7th...

GUITARIST
Uh, Homer... that was yesterday.

Homer goes to a newspaper-dispenser and buys a newspaper.

HOMER
Oh man, they already voted! And we lost! (crowd groan) Oh man I can't believe we spaced on the date!

OTTO
Well, what are we gonna do?

HOMER
Well we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although... (looks at hands) Wow!

OTTO
(sees ring on finger) Whoa! Oh, that's right, I married that chick.

Everyone leaves. That night, Homer and Otto are still on the stage.

OTTO
They call 'em fingers, but I never see them 'fing'. Oh, there they go.

-From The Simpsons, "Weekend At Burnsie's," Season 13, Episode 18.

2010-10-20T08:24:00.001-04:00

Overmanaging Cost The Yankees Game 4

WE (win expectancy): The percent chance a particular team will win based on the score, inning, outs, runners on base, and the run environment.

That's right folks. By calling for an intentional walk with two outs, Yankees Manager Joe Girardi REDUCED the chances of the Yankees winning the game. He called for the walk despite the fact that A.J. Freaking Burnett was on the mound, and the less runners on, the better.

Girardi was playing a game called "matchups," a game which pretends that righty batters always can't hit righty pitchers, and left-handed batters always hit right handed pitchers. In "matchup" world, David Murphy will always get a hit against Burnett, and Molina never will.

Murphy does hit better against right-handers, but A.J., on average, has the same success vs. righties and lefties. Let's say, worst case scenario, Murphy does go yard. It's only a two run shot.

You put Murphy on, and according to Win Expectancy, and all other metrics, you increase the chances of three runs coming in. But Girardi called for the walk. You could tell A.J. was pissed. He nearly threw one of the intentional balls away.

How'd that work out?

The next inning, also in match-up land, Girardi decided lefty Boone Logan was a far superior pitcher than Kerry Wood or Joba Chamberlain, at least against the lefty Josh Hamilton. Now, Hamilton batted .404 against righties this year. and .271 against lefties. But Boone Logan has a career 5.10 ERA.

How'd that work out?

This is the playoffs. The fewer runners on base, the better. You play only your best pitchers with the game on the line. This should be common sense. In the real world, it is.

In that world of matchups though, it isn't. Too bad this game happened in the real world.

Let's hope that now, with the ALCS on the line, Joe Girardi will make decisions that help his team, rather than hurt them. A 1.7% reduction in the chances of winning a game doesn't seem like much, but in the playoffs, every little bit counts. In this case, it set the Yankees up for disaster.

2010-10-15T17:07:00.002-04:00

I Won't Be Going To The World Series This Year

The pre-onsale for Yankees World Series tickets began today at 1:00. I refreshed my browser every second from 12:59 until the tickets page popped up. Immediately, I went for bleachers, Game 5. 1 minute waiting time. Sorry, no tickets available.

Next, bleachers, Game 4. 2 minute waiting time. Sorry, no tickets available.

At the same time, my cousin searched too. We abandoned hope of finding two tickets together. We just wanted one ticket. Any ticket. I had two browsers open on my desktop, and a Ticketmaster window open on my iPhone too.

Eventually, we just went for Best Available. $456 dollar seats be damned.

Sorry, no tickets available.

It was then I learned that there had been a "Preliminary Pre-Onsale," earlier, at 10 AM, for some undefined group of eligible ticket licensees.

I hate them all.

My cousin and I did find some seats available. Wheelchair seats reserved for the disabled.

"Just break my back with a baseball bat," my cousin suggested.

What followed was a 20 minute conversation on the different ways we could take advantage of having a wheelchair ticket. "Actually using them would be wrong," I concluded. "But we could buy them and sell them for profit someplace where people in wheelchairs hang out. Like a VFW hall..."

In the end, morality and human decency prevailed. But my cousin said it best:

"Even though i wasn't seriously considering it, I'm sure that at least 20 other people had the same convo today... and I bet some bought them."

2010-10-07T17:00:00.017-04:00

A Few Words On Branding

It's incredibly difficult to build a brand. For every Apple, Nike, and Coca-Cola, there's a million different failures that never attracted consumer recognition and loyalty. So its bizarre to find that in a bad economy, when every industry is struggling, established brands are spending millions of dollars to trash their brands and destroy their iconic symbols.

Take the Gap, which changed from their iconic blue box to... well, this universally-panned monstrosity:

Already, Gap has been forced to pretend this was all part of some social media experiment. Actually, Gap paid millions to a "creative agency" (which, ironically, touts the old logo on its website.)

We've seen this type of thing before. Remember when Tropicana lost its mind?

Yes, This Is More Generic!

Now, I know business is down these days. So I'm going to save the corporations of America a lot of money. Instead of these businesses needing to pay consulting firms and market research teams millions of dollars to redesign their beloved, iconic logos into horsetrash... I mean, "dynamic research driven graphic design paradigms," I'm going to perform this service for free. Eat your heart out Laird and Partners...

2010-10-07T08:52:00.073-04:00

The Real Bullies

Hope Witsell. Phoebe Prince. Tyler Clementi. It seems like every day another name is added to the list, another bullied kid who took his or her own life. A lot of blame, falls naturally to the bullies. They harass, they harass and they harass, and eventually, some of their victims break.

But the truth is, kids are kids. They're stupid. They're callous. They're short-sighted and off-the-wall. We've all been there. We all remember when we laughed at hugely inappropriate things, thought adults were making a big deal out of nothing, and did idiotic things to impress our peers. We still do these things now that we're older, even if it’s less often, even if we now know better.

Of course, nearly all of us also know what it's like to be bullied. Throughout elementary school and intermediate school, I was a frequent target of bullying.

I was chubby and imaginative, with little impulse control, which made me stand out like a giraffe in a herd of meerkats. I used to pretend the backs of the seats on the school bus were football fields, and my fingers were football players, running down and tackling each other. Football's cool, I thought. But some kid mashing his hands together the whole bus ride making crunching sounds decidedly is not.

I couldn't understand why kids made fun of me. It was frustrating, because my parents always taught me that if you're nice to others, they'll be nice to you. But this wasn't the case. I never got beat up, but the verbal abuse and shunning I got was painful for a kid who just longed to be accepted.

But I learned something very important during those years. Teachers and administrators don't give a damn.

I reported my harassment dozens of times (you can imagine how popular this made me) but the most that ever happened was the two of us, bully and me, getting called into an office and being forced to agree to be friends. Of course, the bully would say he was sorry. But seconds out of the office, he'd whisper that I was dead. Talking got nowhere.

No one took me seriously, I began to think. No one knew how bad it really was. How could I let them know how serious it was? What was the most serious thing I could do?

I threatened suicide. Was I serious about it? At times, I thought I was. I just saw the small space around me, filled with misery. Suicide seemed like the only escape.

But the primary goal of the threat was to alert the adults to how serious I thought the teasing was. That it needed to be dealt with harshly... or else.

I didn't get the response I expected. Instead, teachers and administrators made it clear that there was something very wrong... with me. Thinking about suicide made me a supremely messed up young person. Like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. I needed help, counseling. I was the one who needed to be changed. I was broken, maybe irrevocably.

Hope Witsell, for instance, was forced to sign an "Anti-Suicide Pledge."

This did nothing to dissuade me from suicide. In fact, it reinforced the fact that suicide was the only thing that could be done. We didn't have Google back then, but I'm pretty sure it was the moment when I would have looked up "How To Commit Suicide." The biggest threat I could think of hadn't convinced adults to take the bullying seriously. Instead, it had convinced them that I was the one that needed correcting. I started to think... maybe they were right.

The thing is... they were. In a way. There was nothing wrong with me being chubby, or imaginative, or a dreamer, or an oddball. But I was ill-equipped to deal with the repercussions of being those things.

I didn't know how to brush off an insult, or respond with something witty. I didn't know what I know now: that bullying is actually a natural human response to strange, odd, different, social behavior. I thought that people just decided one day to attack me. And if someone told me it was my own damn fault... well, that would have made me even more depressed.

The reactions of my teachers and counselors may have been right from an adult perspective, but as a kid, those reactions crushed me. Nobody cared.

I suspect that's how Tyler, and Phoebe and Hope felt. Nobody cared. What I needed was someone who truly cared, truly understood. Someone who would unmask the bullies and leave them as humiliated and defeated as I was. I needed a white knight. I needed an avenger. Today, I see the inherent problems with this approach, but at the time, it made sense. I needed someone to teach the bullies a lesson.

Of course, no one did. I transferred schools in 8th grade, a solution which Phoebe Prince tried in a similar fashion. Fortunately for me, there was a kid there far worse off than I was.

I came into my new school very careful, trying not to make waves. And in my reserved state, I observed. There was this one kid, I'll call him Stuart, who always seemed to get laughed at, and not in a good way. And I recognized a lot of the things that I did myself-- the daydreaming, the singing to himself, the constant calls for the teacher's attention.

One time, we were in gym class, playing kickball. Some kids were goofing off, laughing. A ball bounced away, and landed near Stuart. I saw him get upset. I knew what he was thinking. He'd been daydreaming, and not paying attention. But then he heard the laughter, he saw the ball almost hit him. Someone, clearly, was aiming to hit him, humiliate him.

He flipped out at ME.

He chucked the ball in my direction, he missed. He picked up the kickball base and flung it at me, it fluttered harmlessly to the floor. He yelled at me and stormed off, tears in his eyes.

Then the laughter really started. I found myself bewildered, but joining in. The kid was crazy.

But I stopped myself. That was me, I thought. I remembered a gym class not so long before, where a ball had hit me in the head. Maybe it was on purpose. But my reaction… storming up to the kid I THOUGHT had done it, and giving him a meek punch in the stomach, hadn't done anything but invite more laughter, more humiliation. I finally got what my parents had said about "just ignoring it." My reaction poured fuel on the fire. In this case, Stuart's reaction had started the fire.

This was a lesson I couldn't learn from anybody. I had to learn it myself. From watching even dorkier kids like Stuart. No adult could make that lesson stick in.

They shouldn't have tried. Because the only way to beat bullies is to outlast them. To grow and mature to the point where you can see what bullying really is... a defense against the threat of someone different. No words can force someone to arrive at that realization (my parents tried the tactic of telling me that they themselves were bullied, but that just convinced my young self that being a loser was genetic). In my case, I gained perspective by switching schools. Others get it by moving onto college, going to a new town, going to camp, traveling abroad, joining a youth group, playing on a sports team, joining model UN, acting in a theater group.

And sometimes, it takes more than one of these things to expand someone's view of the world. Phoebe may have switched continents, but she was still stuck in high school, still stuck in the same patterns that had defined her life back in Ireland. She never got to a place where she could get perspective.

Growing up means moving out of your tiny sphere of a world into the much larger one, and only then do you begin to realize that every single person in the whole damn world's been called a slut at one time or another, and the word "slut" itself is just an uncreative way to announce a bully's own jealousy or prudishness. Don't at least some of us want to scream at Phoebe: "Come on! They're just mad because you slept with their boyfriend! They're nothing! They're specks!" But to Phoebe, they were the only thing she could see.

Bullying loses its effect once you can see it as a tiny grain in the hourglass of life, something that will slip through to the bottom of our minds at sometime in the future, kept as a painful memory but also an important reminder to treat others with humility and respect.

Once your world is larger, you begin to realize the biggest bully was yourself, because only you made you believe there wasn't anything worth living for outside acceptance from a stupid, immature clique of people who had horrible insecurities and problems of their own.

Tyler didn't kill himself because he was filmed with a guy in his bedroom. He killed himself because he couldn't see that being filmed with a guy in his bedroom wasn't the end of the world. Homophobes would judge him, some immature people would laugh. If he could see beyond them, he'd see that nobody else would care about some stupid video some stupid kids made.

So what can parents do? Or teachers? Or counselors? They can't tell a kid the truth, but they can help open up a kid's world so that child can experience it for his or herself. They can do their best to show kids how beautiful and wonderfully wide the world is. That there's more to the world than the mean kids within a 5 mile radius. They can help a bullied girl discover that most people in her city, state, country don't think that she's a slut... and neither do the billions of other people in the world.

They need to show a kid another escape route. Often, it can be inside the school, among a group that embraces the differences others ridicule. In some cases, it may take going a little further. It's not running away from problems... it's giving kids the space to realize that they're actually not huge problems. "Slut!" "Homo!" "Look at her titties!" are not huge problems. Feeling like there's nothing else out there... that is.

Shut a kid in a building with tormentors, they will think that's all there is. Raise them up above the fray, and they can see for miles.

2010-10-01T10:51:00.002-04:00

The Social Network Opens Today

The Social Network opens today, and given how popular and essential Facebook has become, it's easy to forget that this movie could have featured a different social network entirely. Even as late as 2006, it wasn't clear who the social networking winner would be. I wrote the following article in 2006 for MSNBC. MSNBC never ran it, but I got some great quotes from Cameron Winklevoss, one of the villains (or victims, depending on how you look at it) in The Social Network movie.

The MySpace That Wasn’t...
And The Ones Yet To Be

Figure skater Sasha Cohen is doing it. So is Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. You can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine (even this month’s Playboy!) without hearing about MySpace. With more than 75 million members, the social networking site dominates the news. Why did it succeed while others failed? And is there anything that can beat Rupert Murdoch’s $580 million dollar baby?

“We founded social networking,” says Andrew Weinreich, founder and former CEO of the now-defunct SixDegrees.com, often credited as the first website to employ social psychologist Stanley Milgram’s six degrees of separation theory, which postulated that everyone is connected through common acquaintances. Weinreich founded SixDegrees in 1996, seven years before MySpace and eight years before Facebook. “We saw early on incredible excitement about the idea of linking friends to friends and friends of friends online,” he says.

Of course, this month the MySpace guys, Chris DeWolfe and Tom Anderson, are on the cover of Time’s 100 Most Influential People issue, and Weinreich is not. But he doesn’t hold any grudges. “Our story is a classic example of the technology needing to catch up with an idea,” he says.

Back in 1996, Weinreich says, few people had digital cameras. This presented a problem. “People were clamoring to put photos up on their pages,” he says. “We actually thought long and hard about having people mail us their photos and hiring interns to scan them in to the system. But with the time and the cost, there was no way we could do it. The big difference today is that the cost of technology is way down and there are a lot more people online. And nearly everyone has a digital camera.”

At its height, SixDegrees had more than 3.5 million members. Weinreich sold the site in December of 1999. Back then, its marketing department was talking about future plans to include instant messaging, online study groups and webcam services. But by the next December, SixDegrees was dead, a victim of the dot com bust.
“MySpace and Friendster started after we closed,” Weinreich says. “They’ve done a great job. Their timing was impeccable.”

Timing is a big part of why some social networking sites succeed and some don’t, says Harvard University graduate Cameron Winklevoss, one of the founders of ConnectU, a college student social networking site. In the winter of 2002, Winklevoss, his brother Tyler and friend Divya Narendra dreamed up a site that would help connect students from different colleges around Boston and eventually, the world. However, Winklevoss says, they got beat to the punch by three months—by a fellow Harvard student they had hired to program their site. That programmer was Mark Zuckerberg, and his website was Facebook, which now counts more than 7 million college students as members. According to Businessweek.com, Zuckerberg recently rebuffed an offer of $750 million for his site and is looking to sell for $2 billion. And Rolling Stone magazine featured a glowing profile on Zuckerberg in an issue last month. ConnectU, on the other hand, Winklevoss says, has 60,000 members and no such deals or feature stories in the works.

“When we asked [Mark] how our site was coming along, he told us, ‘Hey, I’m a little busy; I’ll get back to you,’” Winklevoss says. “A couple days later we read about Facebook in the college paper. It was pretty shocking.”

Winklevoss and his co-founders filed a lawsuit against Zuckerberg for stealing their ideas and the computer code for their site. For his part, Zuckerberg has counter-sued for defamation of character and denied the allegations.
Winklevoss has very little bad to say about the Facebook site itself. “It really has become exactly what we envisioned it would be. The idea is solid. These sites are so hot right now that people are willing to invest millions.”
ConnectU is still actively recruiting new users, but Winklevoss acknowledges his site has little chance of winning the competition. “The idea of being a part of two similar social networks doesn’t appeal to people. And Facebook got there first. People don’t want to rebuild their network of friends on another site.”

Other social networking startups are hoping that isn’t true. TagWorld, founded in July 2005 and now in beta testing, hopes new features and functionality will lure users away from social networks like MySpace.

TagWorld combines a social network with drag-and-drop web publishing. Related photos, music clips, and videos are grouped together using “tags,” or keywords, helping the users who posted them connect with each other. With 1,613,122 users registered in less than a year, the site is off to a strong start, says TagWorld spokeswoman Paula Gould. “We’re not just a profile page. We give you a gigabyte of space and an easy way to create a website without knowing how to use HTML,” she says. “Any number of social networking sites have similar features, but we have them in one space.”

TagWorld is on a publicity blitz, putting up billboards throughout the Los Angeles area depicting TagWorld users and sponsoring a battle-of-the-bands contest to choose a song for the soundtrack of New Line Cinema’s new movie “Snakes on a Plane,” which has received enormous internet buzz.

“People are catching on to us,” Gould says. “We intend to be a part of social networking for a long period of time.”

“Some social networks stick and some don’t,” Winklevoss says. “Look at Google’s Orkut or Yahoo’s 360. They haven’t really worked. Friendster didn’t change for two years and they died… no one talks about them anymore.”

Well, hardly dead, but Friendster, founded two years before MySpace, has fallen behind its slightly younger cousin in terms of membership and buzz. Friendster started off strong, amassing one million users in a little over a year. Today, they claim more than 27 million. But users complained that the site was too slow and the interface too restrictive. “In the beginning we had too small a tech team in place,” says Friendster spokesman Jeff Roberto. “We couldn’t meet demand at peak hours of the day and we couldn’t launch new features. And that diverted a lot of traffic to other services.”

Former head of business development at Friendster, Jim Scheinman, is now vice president of business development and sales for Bebo.com, a high school and college social network with 22 million members worldwide and is more popular in the UK than MySpace. Jim cites user testimonials as evidence that not everyone is sold on MySpace. One user writes, “Bebo is by far the best social site available. It kicks MySpace's ass!!” Another observes, “Bebo is like a much less confusing MySpace.”

“We believe that the ultimate winner in the social network space will be the company with the best product and the most rabid and loyal customer base,” Scheinman says. “We don't actively encourage ‘Beboers’ to leave other SN sites and come to Bebo, they just do it on their own.” Although, he says, Bebo has to adjust its strategy to attract users in North America. “There are more entrenched players in those markets,” he says.

Weinreich, for one, doesn’t believe that MySpace will dominate forever. “The best applications we haven’t seen yet. Take eBay for example—why can’t the buyer and the seller be connected in a social network?” he muses. Weinreich and his partners plan to launch a new mobile social networking site in three to four weeks, the details of which he keeps a secret, with all the competition out there. “The best social network we have yet to see,” he says. “MySpace hasn’t fulfilled all of the vision.”

2010-09-24T08:39:00.005-04:00

I'm Pretty Sure This Whole Thing Was Staged

Does this look like a guy that's about to heckle Meg Whitman?

You Be The Judge

As any good conspiracy theorist would do, I did some cursory Internet sleuthing. And at first blush, it appears that Ed Buck is a Democrat. He's donated to Democratic campaigns. He likes animals and hates eminent domain development. And he's heckled before. According to LA Weekly, May 25, 2006:

Concern over campaign contributions erupted at a City Council meeting in February. Ed Buck, a West Hollywood resident, confronted [Abbe] Land and said she had accepted more than $40,000 from entities involved in one council agenda item.

There's just one thing... Abbe Land is a Democrat.

That's just the kind of thing that would send a conspiracy nut off the wall. Then I found this:

Time Magazine, November 9, 1987:

Says Ed Buck, a gay Phoenix businessman and conservative Republican who launched the recall movement last July: "Perhaps their support finally drove the point home to Evan Mecham that this is not a band of homosexuals and dissident Republicans."

"CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN!!!" Ed Buck!

And yes, it is the same Ed Buck.

So the question then becomes: Why did Ed Buck heckle Meg Whitman? Is it that he's a tea party style disgruntled Republican? Was he, as Meg Whitman suggested, a plant by her Democratic opponents? Or, far more sinister, was it a plot by Whitman and Christie to boost both their profiles?

Alas, without any smoking gun, say, a signed check from Whitman to Buck, I'd say we probably have to conclude the first probability. Ed Buck is a politically active, fiscally conservative but socially liberal person, who didn't like the fact that Whitman had an event in which she refused to take questions. He's been a vocal proponent of transparency in the past. A Democratic plant seems like a stretch-- this guy beats to his own drum, and clearly is an equal-opportunity heckler.

But that shot of them holding hands.... well. I'll let others do the digging for me.

One last thing. Lets just note Christie's hypocrisy. He talks about bringing America together, and not shouting, when he's done the exact opposite in Jersey. Instead of listening to teachers concerns, he's belittled them. He's raged against the working class. His governing strategy is to take money away from everywhere its needed, while maintaining promises to the wealthy people who donated to his campaign. The school system is weaker now because of him, and all but the wealthiest are struggling. People called him "standing up to" a "heckler" chivalrous (because Whitman is a woman, who obviously can't defend herself), but all Christie was doing was stifling discussion and debate, something he's tried to do at every juncture in his time as New Jersey governor.

This is the guy Republicans think is the future???

2010-09-23T08:14:00.010-04:00

Texas Thinks Education Means Propaganda

School textbooks are brainwashing our kids into becoming Islamic terrorist liberals who hate Christianity and worship at the altar of horse-porn.

So says the Texas State Board Of Education.

“I think our documentation clearly shows that the bias is there,” said Randy Rives of Odessa, who drafted the resolution. “And we feel that it was not done on accident.”

Oh my! Randy's figured it out! He's on to the vast left-wing conspiracy that's out to turn America's children into homosexual communist atheists!

For instance, DID YOU KNOW:

-Textbooks say that Muslims once ruled most of the civilized world
-Textbooks say that Christian Crusaders killed people
-Textbooks say that not all Muslims are terrorists
-Textbooks say that some laws passed by liberals worked
-Textbooks don't say that not accepting Jesus will send you to hell
-Textbooks are heavy

"But," you might ask (ha, you said Butt!), "If children don't learn in school that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior and that all other religions are just sick, twisted blasphemy, then where will they learn it? My God! Think of the children! The CHILDREN!!!!"

Fortunately for Americans (white, Christian ones), Randy is on the case. That whole crusades thing? Let's shorten that to a paragraph. And replace "forced Jews and Muslims to convert to Christianity on pain of death" to "gave Jews and Muslims fuzzy bunny rabbits to love and cuddle."

They Called Them "Easter Bunnies"

How about the "New Deal," labor and welfare reforms of the post-industrial age? Let's just replace all that with, "Americans prayed really hard, and things just got better and better." Cause that's the real truth.

In fact, let's ditch the textbooks altogether. There's really only one book America's children need to read. It's a best-seller, and it's written by an author who looks down on us from up high, judging us mere mortals by the light of his omnipotent presence.

Duh.

Thank God for Randy. At least someone in this country is trying to save our children's souls, instead of filling their heads with useless historical facts and knowledge.

2010-09-15T08:14:00.001-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen Of Delaware, Meet Your Republican Nominee For Senate...

Is it just me, or is she totally eye-****ing that youth pastor?\

Also, according to Bill Maher, she's not only hot, but she's always got the chronic:

2010-09-08T08:22:00.002-04:00

It Can't Happen Here

It began with an attack, led by a bearded man, seeking to destroy the government of a country which stood for everything he stood against. Even though he failed, the people of the country began to fear bearded men like him, began to fear men who came from the same religious background. Right-wing religious, political, and media leaders referred to these people as vermin, less than human. They blamed them for the country's woes, a sick economy, a decline of national culture and stature. Popular cartoons appeared mocking their religion. Their places of worship, houses, and businesses were attacked. Their books were burned...

This may sound familiar to anyone following the current trend of anti-Muslim furor in this country. Osama Bin Laden attacked us. Right-wingers have stirred up anti-Islamic feelings. Those feelings have taken root in people who have suffered in our current economic downturn. Recently, a Muslim cab driver and a mosque were attacked. Now a Florida church plans to burn hundreds of Korans, the Muslim holy book, which have been sent to them from people all over the country.

But the story I began with is not the story of America's relationship with Islam following the September 11th attacks. It is the story of a different country, in a different time. Let me tell you the rest.

Over time, the dehumanization of these "enemies of the state" became accepted by the majority. After that, it was easy to pass laws restricting their freedoms. But this didn't make the people of the country feel quite safe enough. It was then suggested that there was an easy solution to the problem these enemies of the state presented. Kick them out.

I'm reminded of the simplistic solution many right-wingers have offered to the influx of illegal immigrants in this country. But this story isn't about Mexicans either.

But the solution wasn't that easy. Where would these people go? Neighboring countries didn't want them. In the meantime, they were forced to move into cordoned-off slums and makeshift encampments. These became overcrowded. Disease was rampant. The manpower and money necessary to keep these places under control was overwhelming. It was then that someone came up with a different solution. A permanent one.

Hopefully, you've figured out what story I'm telling here. It's the first part to a more popularly known story, an introduction that often gets skipped over, simply because the details of the final part are so chilling, so monstrous.

It's the story of a Jew, Kurt Eisner, who led the overthrow of the German government in Munich at the end of World War I, and was a key figure in forcing Germany's surrender. He didn't do it because he was a Jew, he did it because he was a radical communist. But his attack gave fuel to the right-wing forces that claimed Germany's defeat in World War I was due to leftist elements in their own country, not superior foreign might.

In this atmosphere of hatred, a new leader rose to power. He built his constituency by playing to their basest fears-- that Jews and the communists were trying to destroy their country. His hateful words inspired Germans to terrorize all Jews, no matter what their political beliefs. It was just a matter of time before this leader put into action his "final solution."

Could such a thing happen here? We're not at that part of our story yet. But the first few chapters written after 9/11 look eerily similar to that story of the past, with Muslims (and dark-skinned immigrants) instead of Jews. The Koran-burning parishioners are a reminder that people tend to follow their leaders, even into madness. 11,207 people are fans of this event on Facebook.

How many would have been fans of Kristallnacht?

Jews have a saying: "Never Again." I think that includes making sure that no other group is ever subjected to the kind of hate that spurs the most demonic violence in men.

So I've started a "Americans Against International Burn A Koran Day" group on Facebook. Show that there are enough Americans out there who recognize the signs of a country spiraling towards madness.

"Where they have burned books, they will end in burning human beings." -Heinrich Heine

[UPDATE: The book burning was canceled, proving that when the majority of good people stands up to the minority of bigots, the bigots sit back down.]

2010-08-31T17:31:00.001-04:00

New Poll Determines Polls Are Now Officially Useless

In a new poll conducted by the Adam's Life blog, 79% of Americans admitted often lying to pollsters, providing inaccurate or sarcastic answers, or "just plain f*cking with Wolf Blitzer's mind."

The poll came on the heels of a Newsweek poll that showed the majority of Americans believe President Obama wants to impose Islamic Sharia law upon the United States.

"The pollsters ask such ridiculous questions, I really just try to have fun with them," said Roger P. Nobodi, a frequent online poll answerer. "The other day, there was a poll asking if we thought the sun was just the ash from God's cigarette. I thought, 'Okay, well why the hell not?'"

Bill Fakerton, who often responds to polls on Fox News and other conservative news sites, also admitted to not telling the truth.

"Do I really think Obama was born in Pakistan? No," Fakerton said. "But I don't like him. So sure, I'll click he could be from Pakistan. It's not like anyone's gonna call me out on it."

The Gallup Institute, which conducts polls for media, government, and business, expressed doubt that the Adam's Life poll was accurate.

"People lie or give jokey answers to polls all the time," said Arthur Imagenari, spokesman for the organization, "So I don't trust the results of this poll that finds people aren't honest when responding to poll questions."

He then exploded.

"I never lie to pollsters," said Faye Person, a housewife who has nothing to do all day but answer online poll questions. "I just try to give the answers I think they're looking for. Like when they ask if President Obama is secretly part of Bin Laden's inner circle, I figure they're getting that question from somewhere, so it must be partly true."

She did, however, admit to pretending to be in the coveted 18-25 demographic.

"They just care about those people's opinions more," Person said. "And who hasn't lied about their age?"

Nobodi, for one, doesn't plan on answering poll questions honestly anytime soon.

"I'm just having way too much fun. I told some guy the other day that I thought Michael Jackson wasn't dead," Nobodi said. "I'd rather be part of the 10% who feel that way than cowtow to the majority."

Additional findings of the Adam's Life poll discovered that only 65% of Americans use a toilet to go to the bathroom, and only 35% believe the sun sets in the west, 53% think that Terminator 2 was based on a true story, and 92% think Jessica Alba is a MILF.

2010-08-26T17:30:00.002-04:00

Jailbreak Your iPhone. Seriously. Now.

I "jailbroke" my iPhone a few weeks ago. And I'll never go back to jail.

You can read the rest of this article first if you want, but you should really just backup your iPhone to your computer right now, then visit http://www.jailbreakme.com on your iPhone, and jailbreak yourself immediately.

But to those who need to know a little more, read on:

What is "jailbreaking?" Is it as illegal and dangerous as it sounds?

"Jailbreaking" is the act of running a computer program on your iPhone that allows you to install software not purchased at Apple's iTunes App Store. That's it. Nothing nefarious and dangerous. It's no more illegal than putting Microsoft Word on your Macbook computer.

Jailbreakme.com was created in part by a guy named Jay Freeman, who goes by the handle Saurik, and titles his homepage "The Realm of the Avatar." In other words, he's a computer geek, and not some Bond villain. He created Cydia, which is the official app store for Jailbreakers. It's not a place full of viruses and eletric fighting monkeys. It's the Century 21 to Apple's Bloomingdales.

Will this f*ck up my $199-$299 dollar phone?

This was my biggest fear. I'd heard things. Like, "Jailbreaking can turn your iPhone into an iPaperweight." And Apple warns you-- "Jailbreaking voids your warranty." But like that lady in the Pledge commercials found out (No waxy buildup!), I too discovered my fears were unfounded.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, the jailbreak does give you problems. All you have to do is plug your phone into your computer, hit the restore button, and your phone returns to its original state, with all the data from the last time you backed up to your computer. So there's no risk. If you try it, and it doesn't work for you, no biggie. You can restore your phone to its "still in jail" state and Apple will have no way of knowing whether you violated your warranty or not.

Why do I have to do this?
Because your phone is boring. Yeah, it was cool to have an iPhone when it first came out, but now it seems like everybody has one. And the only way you can tell them apart? "Oh... that's a nice case" or "Is that a new ringtone?"

This is what my Lock screen looks like:

I have my appointments, my email, weather and text messages all right there on the Lock Screen. And if I double-tap the clock, I get the top news headlines and sports scores too. It's a lot easier than unlocking the phone, then pressing the icon for each individual app and waiting for each one to load as I search for information. I did this with an app called Intelliscreen. Only available for a jailbroken iPhone.

Now look at what you can do to the rest of your phone:

"Look how pretty that text is! Is that Notes App... white instead of yellow? Where's the 3G symbol... why is it... is that the Ohio State logo? And what cell service do you have... Adam... wait, that's your name! And...wait a second... THERE'S FIVE ICONS IN THE DOCK! FIVE!?!?!"

Oh, and you can't tell from a still photo, but that's an animated wallpaper.

There's more.

When a song changes while I'm playing a game or surfing the web, I no longer have to wonder which song is on now. All I have to do is glance at the top of the screen:

And forget about those cheesy "flashlight" apps available at the Apple store. I just double-click the home button and the LED flash of the iPhone camera illuminates.

And honestly, this is the more boring stuff you can do. You can download theme sets that change the look of your app icons... making them 3d, turning them into baseball caps, or making each one a different Playboy Playmate.

You can even change the look of the dial screen and the text message application. Now I represent the Yankees every time I text:

My point is, there are endless options. None of these things are complicated to do. You install an app called Winterboard, which is very easy to use, and you can download different looks from Cydia or RockApp, another non-Apple app store.

So, you can either get really jazzed about the lame wallpapers Apple's store sells, or you can jailbreak your phone and make it even more interesting and fun. It's not a tough choice.

Other things you may want: Unlimited folder capacity and customizable folders, changing the colors of pop-ups and selections, the ability to keep programs loading in the background while working in another app.

And of course, there's the three big not-so-kosher things jailbreaking allows you to do: download free ringtones of popular songs, use your phone as a mobile Wi-Fi hotspot for your computer, and use Facetime over 3G. Just make sure you have an unlimited data plan for the last two.

Ok, I'm sold. Any warnings?

Just a few. One, and most importantly, do not update your iPhone software to the latest version, 4.0.2. There are no new features in this update... it's only designed to block jailbreaks from happening.

Secondly, not all programs and themes are designed for the iPhone 4 and the 4.0 software. If you wait for the descriptions to load (it can take a second or two in the Cydia app) you should be able to find out whether it's designed for your phone or not.

Thirdly, there's a lot of great programs in Cydia and RockApp, but there's a lot with bugs too. One app I tried, which puts actual live weather updates on top of the stock Apple Weather icon, sent my phone into "Safe Mode," which gave me a panic attack. Fortunately, its an easy fix. You go into Cydia or RockApp and simply go to the "Manage" section to delete the offending program (another Cydia App, CyDelete, makes this even easier).

Ok, but...

No, no buts. Do it now. Thank me later.

2010-08-25T08:18:00.001-04:00

The Internet Will Not Let You Get Away With It

First, watch this:

Disgusted by that evil witch of a woman? So were the cat's owners when they saw the security camera footage.

They created a page of Facebook: Help Find The Woman Who Put My Cat In A Bin

According to Switched.com:

"Within days, the video had racked up hundreds of thousands of hits as well as tens of thousands of "likes" on Facebook. The woman was eventually identified, and, fearing for her safety, the police have had to put her in protective custody."

How many people have to be shamed on the internet before everyone realizes that nobody can get away with anything anymore?

If you do something bad, the internet will find you out. This would make the world honest, if it weren't for another primary function of the internet, which is to spread lies told by crazy people (i.e. politicians).

2010-08-17T08:58:00.006-04:00

Proposed Ground Zero T.G.I. Friday's Fuels Debate, Criticism

Angry relatives of 9/11 victims last night clashed with supporters of a planned T.G.I. Friday's near Ground Zero at a raucous community-board hearing in Manhattan.

After four hours of public debate, members of Community Board 1 finally voted 29-1 in support of the project. Nine members abstained, arguing that they preferred a Chili's.

While the board has no official say over whether the T.G.I. Friday's gets built, already the decision has sent shockwaves throughout the country.

Carrying signs such as, "9/11 Was A Tuesday -- Not A Friday's!" opponents of the proposed casual dining establishment several blocks away from Ground Zero called the plan an insult to the terror-attack victims.

"I mean, have you eaten there lately? It's overpriced crap that tastes like garbage. There's a better way to honor those we lost than the new Jack Daniel's Burger," said a retired FDNY firefighter.

He also raised concerns that terrorists could take advantage of the new restaurant, so close to the location of the largest terrorist attack on American soil.

"I do have a problem with having a T.G.I. Friday's on top of the site where terrorists can sit and enjoy the 3 For $12.99 dinner special," he said, referring to the popular limited-time promotion that includes an appetizer, entree and dessert for $12.99.

Harvey Fakerbean, representing T.G.I. Friday's at the community board meeting, insisted that the restaurant would help "bridge the great divide" between different cultures.

"We have Bruchetta Chicken Pasta, from Italy, the Sizzling Fajitas, from Mexico, Pot Stickers from Asia, the California Turkey Burger and the New York Strip from the United States." Fakerbean said. "We have no higher aspirations than to serve our customers in peace and harmony in this country."

But the crowd got ugly when he added, "Freedom of assembly is the right of all Americans."

Amid boos, one woman shouted, "Not at the World Trade Center!"

Fakerbean's wife, Daisy, followed him to the microphone and pitched the planned restaurant as "much needed party space and much needed dining space" for the area.

She was roundly booed.

President Barack Obama declined to comment on the wisdom of building a restaurant located several streets down and around the corner from the Ground Zero site where tourists buy souvenir t-shirts and commemorative buttons. But he did release a statement saying, "They have a right to build a place of dining and drinking on private property in lower Manhattan. But yeah, I prefer Chili's too. That Awesome Blossom. Delish."

Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin weighed in on the debate on her Facebook page, challenging the President to take a stronger stand against the red-stripe canopied restaurant.

"We all know that they have the right to do it, but should they?" Palin wrote. "And, no, this is not above your pay grade. If those who wish to build this Ground Zero Friday's are sincerely interested in providing a fun, family-friendly atmosphere and good food at affordable prices, then why haven't they recognized that the decision to build a restaurant at this particular location is doing just the opposite? Plus, they charge for breadsticks now. Breadsticks!"

Before the meeting, the Manhattan Borough President, a supporter of the T.G.I. Friday's, stood in front of the site and said, "What we're rejecting here is outright bigotry and hatred. Friday's was born here. Just because a few of their establishments are bad quality doesn't mean they all are. The one at the Monmouth Mall in Eatontown, N.J. is one of my favorites."

Catholic priest Kyle Notreala, of St. Peter's Church, which is a few blocks away, agreed.

"I think they need to establish a place such as this for people from Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths to come together," Notreala said.

"Because after this," he added, "We could all use a few drinks."

-------------------------------------
For a more serious article on the Ground Zero mosque, click here.

Also, this great rebuttal on Slate.

2010-08-13T08:51:00.002-04:00

One Reason Not To Buy The Droid

I'm an iPhone guy. Even though my new iPhone 4 drops calls like Braylon Edwards drops passes, it wins out in design, features, apps, and ease of use. I've had an ongoing, friendly debate with my cousin about which phone is better, the Droid or the iPhone, and I have to admit, he makes some valid points.

But one criticism of Apple, its tight control over the Apps in its App Store, could also be one of its selling points. After all, there's no danger of typing "Jewish" into the App Store search, and getting a result like this:

Heil Droid?

As Joshua Topolsky writes on Engadget:

No one is going to tell you that you can't install a Nazi theme on your phone, but we're pretty sure that Google shouldn't make it so easy, and it shouldn't subject a large portion of its users to content that rightfully deserves to sit on the fringes, not in the center.

So don't buy the Droid, people. Google may not be profiting off this Hitler App, but they're providing a tool that helps the despicable people who would develop and purchase such an awful thing.

2010-08-10T17:00:00.007-04:00

Quitting Has Never Been So Much Fun!

In these tough economic times, jobs are hard to come by. But that isn't stopping today's over-extended, stressed-out workers from voluntarily joining the unemployment lines. After all, quitting has never been so much fun!

Take Steven Slater, (former) JetBlue flight attendant. Fed up with facing abusive airline passengers everyday and working long hours in the confines of a flying metal sardine can, he finally did what pretty much every person would dream about doing in his situation. When a passenger bonked him on the head with a suitcase and told him to, "F*ck off," Steven stormed to the intercom, told the passengers to all f*ck themselves, grabbed a couple of beers from the galley, grabbed his personal belongings, opened the emergency door, activated that super-fun-looking inflatable slide, and slid down onto the tarmac. Then he ran to his car, drove home, and engaged in victorious sex with his lover.

How Did He Fit In That Tiny Plane??

Then there's this HPOA:

What's a HPOA?

No, she was not a member of the Hispanic Police Officers Association. She was an assistant at some sort of financial firm. She overheard her boss referring to her as a "HPOA." Apparently scrolling down the list of Google results further than I did, she discovered it meant "Hot Piece Of Ass." That, apparently, was enough for her to send 33 photos to various people in the company, which depict her getting progressively hotter and holding a whiteboard that slowly reveals her boss was a Farmville addict, abusing the company's internet in the interest of expanding his acreage. This was apparently cathartic for her. And has made her a minor internet star. Where she can show off her assets to potential future employers. Like Playboy magazine.

Finally, there's Matt Green, a Brooklyn engineer who decided to take a walk during lunch one day. That walk took him to Rockaway Beach, where he took a dip in the ocean. Then he turned and walked in the other direction. He's been walking for 138 days across the country for "no particular reason."

Nope, Not Him...

...Him

He seems to be having the time of his life:

He is armed with a push cart filled with supplies like rain pants, beef jerky, bear repellant and a plunger, which was given to him by a hardware store owner in New Jersey to ward off stray dogs.

A sign hanging from the front of his cart reads, "We may never meet again."

The 30-year-old Bay Ridge resident quit his civil engineering job and set out with no grand plans of raising money or awareness for a cause. In fact, he made no plans at all to stop at popular attractions.

"I've just been blindly following the route and seeing whatever I see," he said. "It's been more about the journey itself."

Ah, the seductive temptress of the open road: the beauty, the freedom, the plunger-adverse rabid dogs!

Hearing these stories kinda makes you want to quit your job, doesn't it?

2010-08-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

...Eleven

Today is 8/9/10!

Ok, I just wanted to point that out.

Everyone get back to work.

2010-08-03T17:31:00.004-04:00

Mosquerade

Some people are not too fond of mosques, it seems.

"Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate." --Sarah Palin

It's not about bigotry, say these bleeding hearts. It's about sensitivity. That's why they oppose a mosque two blocks away from the place they call "Ground Zero." "We are not bigots!" they insist. "We're sensitive!"

But what is sensitivity? Who are the sensitive, and why are they sensitive? Does their sensitivity have the morality of reason behind it? Or is it based on the fundamental lie that bigots use to rally the weak-minded to their cause?

Let's establish the facts. The mosque may be near the site of the World Trade Center, but it is not within eyeshot. Tourists visiting the site of the largest terrorist attack on American soil will not see Islamic flags or symbols through their camera viewfinders. People will also not hear any Muslim call to prayer-- a common sound around mosques worldwide: there will be no loudspeakers or minarets attached to this mosque. Much has been said about the center's "15 floors" and amenities, but the truth is, all will be contained withing a rather non-descript Manhattan building (so un-notable, it was rejected for landmark status). The fact is, if there were no news articles about the mosque's existence, no visitor to the 9/11 memorial would know the mosque was there.

The other fact is that those behind the mosque, and those who will pray in it, are undoubtedly not terrorists. Can we say this with 100% certainty? No. But we don't shut down Catholic churches because Eric Rudolph bombed abortion clinics. The truth is, there are millions of Muslims in America, and if every one was a terrorist, we would have certainly been all blown to hell by now. Terrorists are a minority which can exist within any religion or political persuasion. It was not so long ago that communists were all terrorists. And before that, it was Japanese people. And before that, it was the Irish. Americans have a way of branding a whole group for the actions of very few members.

So on what premises are the builders of this mosque supposed to be sensitive? Are they supposed to not build their mosque because people associate the Muslim religion with the terrorism that happened nearby? The people who make that association are unable to draw distinctions between the millions of peaceful Muslims and the hundreds of bad ones. What do we call people who can't draw a distinction between the good and bad members of a race, creed, or religion? What do we call people who believe that all members of a group fall in line with the worst, most vile stereotypes?

Do we call them sensitive?

I think not.

Palin calls for "Peaceful Muslims" to "refudiate." Her twitter statement should draw laughs, but not for the new word she created. We should instead chuckle at the contradiction. If Palin honestly believed any or most Muslims were peaceful, she would reject arguments against the mosque being built. In standing against it, she either supports the fundamental basis behind the "sensitivity," or believes that the center would be a tribute to terrorists. Who are the "Peaceful Muslims," Ms. Palin? Because if they're not the ones that currently live peacefully in and around the New York City community, then I don't know where else they could be.

Let the mosque be built. You'll never see it. You'll never hear it. The only ones who will are the Muslims: Muslims who are seeking a place for prayer, not a place for terror.

---------
Nice thoughts from NYMag on this issue, here.

2010-07-26T08:02:00.000-04:00

A Tour Of NYC's Public Pools

This past Saturday, I took advantage of NYC's public pool system (not in the sense that it was drunk and I made a move, but in the sense that I went and enjoyed the pools for free). I wrote about the experience for Neighborbee. Check it out.

2010-07-21T08:50:00.002-04:00

The NAACP Is Racist

By Robbie Republican

After all we've done for them, you'd think the African-Americans in this country would be grateful. I mean, we brought them to the land of opportunity, gave them great farm jobs and housing, and re-recorded their music using white singers to help share the fruits of black culture with the world. But no, apparently that's not good enough.

Now, I'm not a member of this "Tea Party" thing. Frankly, I think its a pretty girly name for a movement. Call it "Gun Party," and now we're talking. But when I heard that the NAACP was calling the Tea Party racist just because it's protesting the actions of Barack Hussein Obama, I became a Tea Party sympathizer.

I mean, it's the NAACP that's racist. My good friend Andrew Breitbart dug up a clip from a 2010 NAACP dinner where the keynote speaker, Shirley Sherrod, admits that she discriminated against a white farmer while working for the government Land Assistance Fund. Andrew titled his post, "Video Proof: The NAACP Awards Racism." You hear that people? Proof. And it's shocking:

My one question is why Andrew only presented 2:36 minutes of the 43-minute speech. Surely, the rest of the speech must have also been hugely bigoted and outrageous. Certainly, if we knew the larger context, this video would be even more shocking.

I reached out to the white farming couple who was discriminated against. I wanted to know how they felt being the victims of racism. But clearly, I was too late. They've already been brainwashed by liberal "mindwipe squads," and are now calling Little Miss Racist a "friend for life," who "kept us out of bankruptcy." Horrifying, I know.

Critics of the Tea Party need to understand something. These teabaggers aren't a bunch of racist, crazy, uneducated and ignorant radicals. These are good, honest, hardworking Americans who are fed up with the despotic regime of Barack Hussein Obama and his Democratic cartel. They pine for the sweet, wonderful days of George W. Bush's benevolent, harmonious Presidency, when baby lambs laid down with lions, and the air was filled with butterflies. Do you remember? I do. There was no war in Iraq, everyone's pockets were full with money, and the Gulf Coast was free of any disaster and misery. Remember how carefree we were? Remember how wonderfully the Republicans in charge did their jobs, with no failures or controversy at all? How beautiful life was, with hope on every horizon? Until a Pakastani immigrant named after famous terrorists hijacked our nation in a fraudulent Presidential election and declared the American Eagle an enemy of the state.

We need to get more proof like Andrew's video. More short clips of speeches, more torn out paragraphs and bite-sized quotes. For instance, did you hear Obama called our war for independence from Britain a "tragedy?"

"Obviously, it's a tragedy," Obama said.

Sure, that's from an article about the Spitzer sex scandal (yet another Democrat hypocrite), but you see, Obama could have easily been talking about 1776. It's all about context, people. Removing it takes great effort.

But it's worth it. It's what we have to do to save America. For, me, for you, and for all the white farmers out their suffering under the yoke of black oppression.

Stay strong my brothers!

Till next time.

Yours Truly,
Robbie Republican, Defender of Our Union.

2010-07-14T17:20:00.001-04:00

Apple's iPhone 4 Antenna Issue Actually A Good Thing

I don't get all the hubbub about this iPhone 4 antenna issue, which everyone seems to be panicking about (except, you know, actual iPhone 4 users). In fact, if pressing the little black line on the lower edge of the phone really does kill reception and drop calls, it's actually quite a genius feature.

For years, mankind has struggled to end phone calls with ridiculously long talkers. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine uses a hairdryer to pretend she's in the car, so she has an excuse to stop talking with her friend's long-winded boyfriend?

Well we no longer have to resort to such ruses. With the iPhone 4, simply give your phone the "death grip" whenever a call is lasting a little too long.

"Oh, sorry, I would have loved to listen to all the names you've thought of for your cat... but this damn iPhone!"

"Oh, I didn't hang up on you, Mom. I heard most of your lecture about how I need to get a real job. It was just this phone thing..."

"Don't be silly, of course I wasn't bored by your ruminations on whether you should have chicken salad or tuna for lunch. It's all Steve Jobs' fault."

So rejoice, iPhone 4 owners. You now have a magic button that can act as a get-out-of-call free card any time you need it. Apple should really be selling this as a feature.

Just don't use it on me.

2010-07-09T08:18:00.002-04:00

Hughes To The Pen, or Vazquez To Mets?

In the offseason, the Yankees picked up Javier Vazquez. By most accounts, they've now picked up Cliff Lee, in a trade with the Seattle Mariners. That leaves the Yanks with six bonafide starters (seven if you include Joba Chamberlain). What are the now pitching-rich Yankees to do? Two options immediately jump out.

1. Move the recently struggling Phil Hughes to the pen, even though he has 10 wins on the year.

2. Trade away Javier Vazquez.

The first option has some merit: the Yankees are trying to limit Hughes's innings this year, and moving him to the pen would accomplish that (however, it could set him back as a starter). Hughes could still be made available for spot starts.

The second option seems more likely. Vazquez's contract is up at the end of the season. While he's turned his season around in recent weeks, the stench of what he did to start the season (and how he performed in his last stint as a Yankee) is hard to forget. There's no denying that in the right setting (i.e. the National League), he can be a superstar. The only question is, what can the Yankees get for him?

Last year for the Braves, Vazquez added 6.6 WAR (Wins Above Replacement Player) in value to his team. So far, this year, he's added only 0.4. But his true value is certainly closer to the 2009 number. A National League team, in the playoff race but in need of a good arm, could certainly use him.

Sounds like the Mets to me.

The Yankees would love to restock their farm system after all the shipping out they've done these past two years (Ian Kennedy, Austin Jackson, Jose Tabata, and now Jesus Montero, to name a few). The Mets are not rich in prospects, but they do have pieces that can fit the Yankees nicely. Fernando Martinez, their top outfield prospect, and Wilmer Flores, their top shortstop in the system, could be down-the-line replacements for Curtis Granderson and Derek Jeter, respectively. Toss in a few lower-level guys, and you've got a deal.

The Mets could really use a guy like Vazquez to solidify their shaky rotation. He had a 2.27 ERA vs. the NL East last season.

And Vazquez wouldn't have to move, so he'd be happy.

People are saying it'll be Vazquez to the Phillies for Jayson Werth, and certainly, the Phillies GM has shown more aptitude for front office management than Mets GM Omar Minaya. But Werth is a piece that doesn't fit as well into the Yankees plans. He adds some pop for now but doesn't address the Yankees long-term needs. I'd take the prospects.

2010-07-02T08:00:00.002-04:00

So I Almost Got Taken By A Nigerian eBay Scam

I recently tried to sell a iPhone 4 on eBay. It was an extra I bought at the Apple Store after quite the experience waiting in line. I figured that if the iPhone 4 was sold out somewhere, or if someone in a country where it wasn't on sale yet wanted it, somebody would buy it from me.

I listed it on eBay at the optimistic starting bid of $999.99. With a Buy It Now option of $1200.

Obviously, this wasn't going to sell. I didn't know this, however. I haven't sold anything on eBay before, so I had no idea how much people expect to bid on these things. But after a week, I still hadn't had any nibbles. My auction ended yesterday, and I figured I'd return the iPhone 4 to the store.

Then I got an email: Your eBay item sold!

I was excited. Even more so when I saw the person had paid the Buy It Now price: $1200!!! I started having visions of taking the girlfriend on a surprise vacation, or at least buying cable for my new apartment.

Then I got a little suspicious. The buyer sent me a message saying he could only pay via PayPal. Fine, I thought, so why didn't he just click the Pay Now button on eBay, which gives the PayPal option? His English was poor, as well: "Bought the phone and paypal is the only way i will make payment. is ok for you???" He didn't have any eBay history on his member profile, and his address, in Canada, was missing his street number.

And $1200? When no one bid at $999.99? Too good to be true. I even called my friend's parents, who often sold things on eBay, confused over the gentleman's odd request to only pay via PayPal. They warned me not to ship anything until PayPal confirmed the money was in my account.

So I sent an invoice via eBay and tacked on a note telling him he could click the PayPal option. Once he paid via Paypal, who cared how shady it was? I would have the money in my account.

Then I got this email this morning:

Awesome, I've been paid with PayPal! So now I can go to the post office and send... hey, wait a minute!

Nigeria???

Now, call me a small-minded bigot if you like, but the country of Nigeria isn't associated in my mind with safety and honest-dealing. Type in "What is Nigeria known for?" into Google and the first result that pops up is "SCAM."

With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I typed in "Nigerian ebay scam" into Google. This is what I found:

"The dead giveaway here was the very obvious fake name of the bidder and the suspicious way the email is drafted. The language structure and grammar is very bad and poor. However at that time I didn't notice this as I was really excited about the sale.

The Nigerians are really experienced in this. The subsequent email was created to actually look like it came from Paypal! I was really surprised after I found out that it was all a scam when my dropshipper notified me. On close inspection I realised the sender email was not from Paypal (service@paypal.com) but fundrelease@financier.com (which can be faked quite easily) after clicking 'show details' in Gmail.

So if you are an Ebay seller, especially if you're still learning the ins and outs of Ebay, beware of this tactic! Check carefully the real sender of the email of the bidder."

Sure enough, when I clicked "show details" on Gmail, the email I received from PayPal was not from a PayPal email address. It was from "paypalpaymentalert@mail2pal.com."

The truth is, "Dire Ken" almost got me. If the address had been Canada, and not Nigeria, I may have been none the wiser. He was also a little too generous, offering up $100 dollars for shipping even though I had offered shipping for free. And his messages to me were unnecessary. If I had simply received the spoof PayPal email, and not his slightly-off notes requesting "PayPal only" and the odd insistence that "it's been deducted from my account including extra for postage," I may not have double-checked.

I can't find any way to report this kind of illegal activity on eBay. They warn against allowing payments outside of the eBay system, but there's no easily findable way to report this particular type of scam to eBay.

Let this be a warning to you eBay newbies out there. Always check that the PayPal email you receive is actually from PayPal.com. And if a guy from Nigeria buys your item, be very, very suspicious.

2010-06-24T23:45:00.004-04:00

My Interminably Long iPhone 4 Wait In Line Experience

Yes, I have the new iPhone 4. It's pretty and magical. At night, I whisper sweet nothings to it and rub its muscular glass back until it falls asleep.

Getting it, however, was an adventure. As I recount on the NeighborBee Blog.

If anyone wants to buy an iPhone 4 32 GB, brand new, unopened, I have one for sale. I bought it without a contract (at the unsubsidized price) in hopes of selling it to a foreigner who can't get this special piece of equipment. If you're interested, email me at My Craigslist Email.

2010-06-23T08:42:00.000-04:00

Is That... Spiderman???

"Pete Parker Patches Urgently Needed Boom"... with his web!

Glad to know there's some superheroes helping to contain this oil spill.

2010-06-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

Wait A Minute, Is That A Shofar At The World Cup??

So I click on an article about the vuvuzela, the South African plastic trumpet that makes that beehive noise you hear on TV during the World Cup matches. And in the photo on CNN, what do I see?

Tekkiah!!!!

Either this guy's an African Jew, or he thought the shofar was just a fancy vuvuzela.

Which it kind of is.

2010-06-15T08:07:00.001-04:00

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: A Jewish Shortstop Cometh?

From Jewish Baseball News:

Jake Lemmerman (Los Angeles Dodgers: 5th round, 172th overall pick). A 6′2″ shortstop who just completed his junior year at Duke (Div. I), Lemmerman led his team in eight offensive categories this season, including slugging percentage (.569) and on-base percentage (.418), and had the best fielding percentage of any ACC shortstop (.987).

So there is hope out there. We may not see the Temple Mount restored in this lifetime, but we may see a Jewish Major League shortstop, which is a miraculous event in itself.

Major League Jews Update:

Well, injuries have hit the team hard. It looks like Brad Ausmus will likely retire rather than force a return from a back injury. The former Adam's Life Jewish Sluggin' Semite of the Week has a career line of a .252 avg, with 1566 hits, 80 HR and 102 SBs. Travis Snider, Jew In Name Only, a recent addition, is on the DL, as is Gabe Kapler. Ian Kinsler is struggling, seemingly not recovered from an ankle injury. Kevin Youkilis has been sidelined recently as well. Is no one eating their matzo ball soup? Come on guys, get well!

I Miss Awesome Ausmus

The Tefillin Team is 1 - 9, 6 games back from the division lead.

2010-06-11T08:44:00.001-04:00

Kill, Baby, Kill

Back in the 2008 Presidential Election, Sarah Palin was a big fan of the phrase, "Drill, Baby, Drill." I wonder what her feelings on that are now, given the way the British Petroleum (BP) Deepwater Horizon oil disaster is currently destroying the Gulf states for decades, maybe even centuries to come. But Palin isn't in charge, Obama is, and the way he's handled the crisis really makes me question what side he's playing for. A Louisiana resident, Mac Rebennack, said it best, to New York Magazine:

“The thing is a damn crime scene. Who ever heard of the perpetrators getting to run their own crime scene?”

That's my question also. It's clear that pretty much everyone involved with the exploded oil rig cut corners, covered up safety issues, ignored warnings, and was pretty much incompetent. And nothing they've done to try to stop the spill has shown that they've learned their lesson:

-Initial BP estimates stated that the oil well was leaking 1,000 barrels a day. But the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration estimated that the leak was likely 5,000 barrels. After the video of the leak was released, those estimates shot up... about 10 to 20 times. Certainly looks like BP was trying to downplay the size of the leak. They've repeatedly resisted attempts to allow scientists to more accurately measure the flow of oil. To go with Rebennack's metaphor, this is like a murderer telling the cops they can't examine the victim, but it's okay because the victim isn't really as dead as he seems.

-BP claimed that the chemical they're using to break up the oil in the water is perfectly safe. Biodegradable, non-toxic, absolutely no carcinogens. So of course the Environmental Protection Agency approved it. But there's just one little problem:

Despite [the seller of the dispersant's] claims that Corexit is safe, biodegradable, and free of carcinogens, it happens to contain substances that--you guessed it!--are dangerous, non-biodegradable, and carcinogenic.

This of course, despite the fact that safe chemicals have been around for decades. BP, saying poison is safe does not make it so!

-BP has announced publicly that they can't understand why their stock price is dropping. This actually makes a lot of sense. See, BP expects the government to twiddle their thumbs before making a largely symbolic, hardly punitive action against BP. They expect the financial penalties to be small. Then the company can go about its business, putting this hiccup behind it. Already, since the spill, the government has approved six deep-water wells. BP knows this. And they know that once you've got an addict hooked, even if you kick the shit out of them, they'll keep coming back for more.

So lets review. The government's letting BP cleanup its own crime scene. It's letting them use a toxic chemical to clean the spill, just because BP says it's safe. And to top it off, BP is so confident that the government won't severely punish them, that they're miffed at investors for getting antsy with their stock.

Does this sound like a company that's learned its lesson?

Does it sound as if our government is going to teach it one?

Maybe if the oil washes up on Martha's Vineyard, those who should be taking charge of this mess will finally do something.
--------------------

P.S. Does the name of the oil rig, Deepwater Horizon remind anyone else of these three movies: Deep Rising, Open Water and Event Horizon? No wonder there was a blowout: the whole thing sounded like a horror film.

2010-05-25T00:18:00.001-04:00

One Last Lost Post

I'm done. I swear. But tonight I went on Lostpedia and read through a few key episode recaps to see if I could see foreshadowing for the finale in seasons 1-5. And even though I chose at random, in every episode recap I read, there were hints and whispers at Lost's endgame. It's really quite something, and makes me think that the writers definitely had that magic pool of light, and Jack's sacrifice, in mind the whole time.

First, I clicked on "Enter 77," from Season 3. These moments stood out:

Amira comes in with a cat. She tells him that when she and her husband came to Paris, she was afraid to leave their apartment until she heard the cries of a cat being tortured by boys with firecrackers, and she felt compelled to rescue it. She has kept him as a pet even though the cat sometimes bites her because she knows what it is like never to feel safe, because of Sayid.

She asks him to show her the respect of acknowledging what he did and that he remembers her. Finally he tells her that he does remember her face, that it has haunted him ever since. He weeps, and tells her that he is sorry for what he has done to her. To Sayid's amazement Amira forgives him and tells Sayid she will tell her husband that she is mistaken and should release Sayid. Sayid asks why she would not kill him. She says every person has it within them to behave like the boys who tortured the cat but she does not want to choose that path.

This goes along with what Dogen said this final season about a scale being inside of everyone, on one side good, and one side bad. It goes along with the reckoning at the end of the show: which is that no one is irredeemable. This woman knows Sayid as her torturer, but she still believes he can be a good person. As we saw in the finale, and throughout the final season, this is indeed the case.

This part too:

Sayid arrives and tells Klugh to drop her gun. Kate hits her, saying she helped kidnap them and she knows where Jack is. Sayid asks Klugh if there are any others there, but she acts unafraid, hardly intimidated by the rifle.

They take her upstairs and outside, where Mikhail has Locke at gunpoint. Mikhail offers a hostage exchange but John claims Mikhail wouldn't kill him. Klugh talks and argues with Mikhail in Russian while Kate, Locke and Sayid shout. Finally she orders him to "do it" and he shoots her in the heart. Mikhail is knocked over and Sayid points his gun at him. Mikhail tells him to finish it, but Sayid doesn't shoot.

Ask yourself, why are Klugh and Mikhail not afraid of death? Why does Klugh tell Mikhail to shoot her? And why does he?

Well, they're Others. And as the show's made clear, Others don't all know the same information. Some know more, some know less. Depending on how long you've been on the island, and what ghosts you've spoken to, you may know about that Afterlife Universe. You may know that death sends you back into the light, awaiting rebirth or heaven or whatever wondrous thing it is.

It's clear in this scene that Klugh and Mikhail know that when they die, its not the end of the world. They already know the island-powered afterlife awaits them.

Then I clicked on "White Rabbit":

A young Jack lies on the ground in fear as a bully threatens him, while his friend, Marc Silverman, is being beaten by another bully. Jack attempts to intervene, resulting in him getting a black eye from the bully.

Later on, Jack explains the fight to his father, who tells Jack about his day at the hospital over a glass of whiskey on the rocks. Christian says that he's able to cope with the difficult job of surgeon because he "has what it takes." He claims that he can make life or death decisions daily, because even when he fails, he can live with the consequences. He concludes that Jack should not "decide," because if he failed, he wouldn't "have what it takes".

Sounds a lot like Jack preparing for another instance in the future when he'll need to sacrifice himself for a friend, doesn't it? Like when he has to beat the big bad bully Locke in the season finale. Of course, now he has "what it takes."

Also, look at what happens on island this episode:

Jack finds the suited man at the edge of the jungle, and when the man turns around, it is revealed to be his father. After recovering from his shock, Jack chases the man into the jungle. As Jack runs further into the jungle, his father disappears and reappears several times, and the pursuit is punctuated several times by the adding machine sound of the Monster. The chase culminates when Jack sees his father closer than he has appeared before, and runs toward him full force, almost as if to tackle him. Christian disappears once more, leaving Jack to fall down a rocky hill, rolling off the side of a cliff.

The smoke monster admitted appearing as Christian in this episode. In that case, this is most certainly one of the first instances of the monster trying to kill one of Jacob's candidates. And he follows the rules. He tries to get Jack to kill himself by luring him to leap to his death. Luckily, John Locke is there to save the day.

Then I looked at "Do No Harm":

Jack sits on the edge of the hotel pool, soaking his feet, with a half full bottle of alcohol. His father walks up from behind and joins him. Jack is still having trouble writing his vows. He's anxious that he may not make a good husband, and that he may have only proposed to Sarah in the first place because he saved her life. His father offers, "Commitment is what makes you tick, Jack. The problem is that you're just not good at letting go."

If I have to point out the parallels to Christian and Jack's last moments together in the series finale, then you didn't watch.

This was also the episode of Aaron's birth, which factored heavily in the series finale. But most of all, it reminded me of all the people Jack has promised to fix, save, and rescue over the years. For the first 5 seasons plus, he's mostly failed at that. They mostly got killed. But in the finale, he does what he said he would do all along. By saving the light, he does save them. He allows their souls to enter the light and whatever lays beyond it. Otherwise their afterlife would have been darkness.

Finally, I looked at "Stranger In A Strange Land": You know the finale is really something when it even makes the worst episode of Lost make more sense: Achara, who sees people as they really are, can see Jack's destiny to be a Jacob-like figure. "He walks among us, but he is not one of us." Why does he get attacked and spit on when the community finds out about his tattoo? Well, maybe because Jacob was suck a bastard at ruling the island, they think Jack will be too. How do any of them know any of this? Easy. They're Others who have left the island.

One last thought. I agree the finale had its issues. There's a lot that didn't get resolved on screen, and there was needless obscurity and frustratingly secretive characters. And we all wanted so badly for everyone to have been alive, and jughead to have worked, that it was sad to find out that indeed, "What Happened, Happened." But... that was Lost. Whatever sadness we may feel about Ji-Yeon being an orphan (personally, I like to think that Hurley looked after her from afar), the ending made it clear that one day, she will be united with her parents, like Jack was with his father. That's Lost's message: that life isn't over at death. No matter how much "they fight, they destroy," every soul has a chance at redemption. It only ends once.

Of course, all of this is just interpretation. But its an easy one to make. And I'm very impressed that in these older episodes, even in seasons that people thought were weak, there are things that can be explained by the final season. I have a feeling that by watching Lost from the beginning, a lot more will come together.

That's all. I'm spent. Happy Lost Re-Watching, Everyone!

2010-05-24T17:59:00.008-04:00

Lost Scenes From The Lost Series Finale, "The End"

Some people don't think the Lost Finale gave closure to a lot of things. And they're right. A lot is left very open ended (ironic, considering the last five minutes is the death of all the characters). That got me thinking. The finale was two and a half hours. What if it was three? What would have been wrapped up in the missing scenes from the last episode of Lost?

Here, exclusively on Adam's Life, I have the deleted scenes from the Lost finale, "The End". You won't even find this on Carlton and Damon's personal laptops:

[Instead of Miles and Richard finding Lapidus alive in the water, we see Lapidus first, washing up alone on shore. He finds a discarded Ajira water bottle and drinks thirstily. He turns to see Seth Norris, the original pilot of Oceanic 815, standing next to him.]

The Pilots Finally Meet

SETH NORRIS: Hello Frank.

LAPIDUS: [jumps] Jesus! Seth? Are you… are you…

SETH: Dead? Well. Yes. In a way, I guess I am.

LAPIDUS: What are you doing here?

SETH: What are YOU doing here, Frank?

LAPIDUS: [pauses] To find you.

SETH: Why?

LAPIDUS: Because I didn't believe you were dead.

SETH: Well now you know that I am. And someone else needs to know too.

[Seth reaches down, takes off his wedding ring, hands it to Lapidus]

SETH: You understand?

LAPIDUS: I understand.

SETH: Now you have to hurry if you want to catch up with Miles and Richard.

LAPIDUS: I don't know where they are. I don't know where I am.

SETH: They're at the docks on the other side of the island. And they're leaving soon.

LAPIDUS: How do I get there in time?

SETH: The same way the Others do. [dramatic pause] Use the tunnels. Come. I'll show you.

[As they walk away, Seth puts his arm around Lapidus.]

SETH: Oh, and you have to bring a few people with you. You'll love the woman. She's a flight attendant.

[Cut to Miles and Richard preparing the outrigger to sail to Hydra Island. Lapidus reaches them before they can leave, Cindy the flight attendant, Zack and Emma in tow. There, on the beach, he convinces them to fly off the island, not blow the plane up]

Cindy, Zack and Emma Get Off The Island

[Rest of finale goes exactly as aired, until:]

[Jack's eye closes.]

[After Jack's eye closes, the scene changes to the Ajira plane.]

KATE: What do we tell people when we land? We took off with all those people on board. Now it's just us. They'll ask us questions. And we can't tell them about the island.

MILES: Maybe we can land someplace where no one will notice.

LAPIDUS: You know any airports that won't notice a beat up, presumed lost 747 landing on their runway?

[Desmond has a realization. He smiles.]

DESMOND: Can you fly this thing to Antarctica, brutha?

LAPIDUS: If these hydraulics can hold out, I just might. Why?

DESMOND: A friend of mine's got a runway there.

Desmond has a plan

[The scene suddenly switches to a landscape of snowy peaks in blizzard conditions. The camera pulls back to reveal that it's a shot through a window. We see the inside of a fairly small shelter filled with equipment and laundry hanging from lines. THE SAME SHACK FROM THE SEASON 2 FINALE. One man is getting coffee while another man waits at a chess board. Man #2 kicks something.]

Remember These Guys? They find Desmond again.

MAN #2: Quem quebrou isso, hein?

MAN #1: Não se preocupe. Tá quebrado. Destruí sua defesa. Essa será sua última vez que verá "o" torre. [Subtitled from Portuguese: I crush your defense and that is the last you shall see of your rook. ]

MAN #2: Parte do plano, meu amigo. Tudo parte do plano. [Subtitle: All part of the plan, my friend.]

MAN #1: Ah, então seu plano deve ser perder. Agora, por favor. [Subtitle: Ah. Then your plan must be to lose. Please. Your move.]

[Man #2 looks over a piece of equipment. We can see a screen that says Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected.]

MAN #1: O quê? [Subtitle: What? ]

MAN #2: Há quanto tempo tá fazendo isto? [Subtitle: How long has it been doing that? ]

[Man #1 goes over to the equipment and hurriedly looks through a book.]

MAN #2: É isso, não é? A gente não percebeu de novo. Eles vão matar a gente! [Subtitle: That's it, isn't it? We missed it again... ]

MAN #1: Fica quieto! Nós não o perdemos! [Subtitle: We didn't miss it! ]

[An alarm starts beeping and Man #1 goes to a computer screen.]

MAN #2: Fala! Fala de novo que não é um alarme falso. Fala, fala de novo. Fala que eu... [Subtitle: So it's not a false alarm this time?! ]

MAN #1: Cala a boca e chama ajuda!! [Subtitle: Just shut up and call!! ]

[We see a bedroom nightstand and hear the phone on it ringing.]

Penelope picks up the phone.

PENELOPE: Hello.

MAN #2: Ms. Hume?

PENELOPE: Yes.

MAN #2: It's us. I think we found him.

[Scene changes to Afterlife Universe, the Universal Church. Our Losties are at the door of white light, ready to walk through.]

[We cut back to the original universe, to a door opening. Claire's mom. She's stunned to see Claire standing in front of her. Aaron peeks out from behind her. Claire and Claire's Mom embrace. Claire sees Aaron and cries tears of joy. ]

Claire, Her Mom, and Aaron Finally Reunite

[Cut to Afterlife Universe, the Universal Church. Claire and Charlie step into the light.]

[We cut to another door opening. It's Cassidy, the mother of Sawyer's child. She's stunned to find Sawyer standing in front of her. Clementine comes up behind her, curious about the man at the door.]

Sawyer Finally Meets His Daughter

[Cut to, Aft. Universe, Universal Church, Sawyer and Juliet step into the light.]

[We cut to another door opening. It's Miles, exiting a black car. Miles goes to the graveside of his mother, places on top of it a torn patch—a Swan station patch. Pierre Chang's Swan station patch.]

Miles makes peace with his father.

[Cut to Aft. Universe. Pierre Chang walks through to light]

[Cut to another door opening. Seth Norris's grieving widow. Lapidus hands her Seth Norris's wedding ring.]

Lapidus delivers Seth Norris's wedding ring to his widow.

[Behind Lapidus, we see Cindy sitting in his car waiting for him, smiling.]

[Cut to Aft. Universe. Seth Norris walks into light.]

[Cut to a door opening. A barn door. An elderly Richard emerges, holding a pitchfork. He tills the fields, sweating. Eloise Hawking, now the same age as him, and hair down for once, lovingly hands him a glass of water. He drinks thirstily, hands the glass back, and as she walks back to house, he looks off into the distance and fingers the cross around his neck.]

Richard and Eloise! Didn't see that one coming!

[Cut to Universal church, Richard walks into the light]

[Cut to a door opening. A plane door. Out comes a young Asian girl. Awaiting her is Desmond, Penelope and little Charlie. They're adopting Ji-Yeon. A woman we've never seen comes out of the plane two, eyes searching. She sees Zack and Emma, runs to them. They all embrace. Zack, Emma and their mother are reunited at last.]

Children finally meet their mother. Ji-Yeon has a family

[Cut to Universal Church. Desmond and Penelope walk into the light, followed by Jin and Sun.]

[Finally, Cut to a door opening. It's Kate, leaving her bathroom at home. Her face a mixture of fear and hope. She looks down at what she holds in her hands. A pregnancy test. It's positive. She smiles, cries.]

So THAT'S who Jack's son is in the afterlife timeline!

[Cut to Jack and Kate, walking into the light together]

A Happy Ending For Jack and Kate

LOST

Now that's what I call closure.

2010-05-24T08:12:00.004-04:00

Lost: The End

After six seasons, Lost is finally over. How was the ending? Two hours and 25 minutes of awesomeness... and then five minutes of confusion, greatly impacted by what I assume is ABC's decision to pair the closing credits with a shot of Season 1's Oceanic 815 fuselage chillin on the beach.

Warning, Spoilers ahead.

Here's my interpretation, after a night's sleep and a whole lot of thinking in circles.

There is an island. Hidden on the fringes of the real world, in a place where time and space are irrelevant. On this island is the Source. As the woman who raised Jacob and the MIB said in the Season 6 episode "Across The Sea", the light at the center of the island is Source of everything: "life, death, and rebirth."

In the last five minutes of the finale, Christian Shepherd reveals to Jack, and us, that Sideways-World we've been seeing this last season is really the afterlife-- a sort of meeting place before souls can "move on". Move on to where? Well, that might depend on your religious beliefs, but whatever is on the other side of that light, it's clearly either some form of heaven or reincarnation. Think of the Flash-Sideways as really a Fast-Forward Flash-Forward... what we're seeing is happening at some time far in the future when all the characters we know have all died.

In this last episode, we saw how necessary this flash-sideways afterlife was: it allowed these people, some of whom died without their purpose in life fulfilled, some who died without saying goodbye, some of whom had other unflinished business, to resolve their issues, to reunite and remember the joys and adventures they had throughout their life. For someone like Ben, who had his childhood stolen and his life manipulated for the worse, the afterlife is a place where he can be a hero and a real father. For someone like Jack, it's where he can finally get some resolution with his father. For Locke, its a place where he can spend happiness with Helen again. For Sayid, its a place where he can learn to finally forgive himself. Etc. Their realizations may have been aided by Desmond, Hurley, and others, but it doesn't matter: they happen all the same, and when they do, the characters can finally move on. They're not trapped, like Michael, the whispers, and the ghost we see Miles talk to back in the real world (remember when he found that money in the kid's hiding spot?)

Now back to the island. The Source, as a line of defense, conceals its location on the island (and the location of the island itself). But the island does exist in the real world (otherwise, how could one travel back and forth from it?). So its inevitable that people will find it. And clearly, some should. Because the island, as Jacob said in "Ab Aterno," is a real place where people can change their lives. Where their past doesn't matter. Where they can work out their issues BEFORE death. For the Losties, it was the place where they learned what kind of people they really were.

But as the Woman warned Jacob and the MIB, some people shouldn't come to the island. Because if they got too close to the Source and destroyed it... well, goodbye life, death, rebirth, everything. If the light here dies, if Smokey succeeds in destroying the island, or leaves it without a protector to be destroyed by some curious man, the heaven or reincarnation that relies on the island's source is gone. If the light goes out, then there is so flash-sideways afterlife, or great white light beyond that. No cloud blanketed heaven or Buddhist reincarnation. No happy cast-party in a all-religions church and a door of light opened by Christian Shepherd. Just...

Darkness.

Or, Dead is Dead.

So the island needs protectors. And since it exists in the real world, its protectors are human beings who come to the island either by fate (Desmond), by their own exploration (Dharma, Charles Widmore) or by invitation from the island's current protector (the Losties and the Candidates among them). MIB didn't want the job, and he almost led to the island's demise. But Jack did want the job, and he sacrificed his life to do it. He closes his eyes, and lies down, in the same spot where he opened his eyes and got up in the Pilot episode. Dying, now that he's completed his purpose: saving heaven and rebirth. Saving life.

That's what the Losties accomplished on the island. What they needed to accomplish all along. The island wouldn't let them go before because it needed them, all of them, especially Jack, to save and protect the source, which was in peril due to Jacob and the MIB's sibling rivalry. Once the Losties did their duty, they were free--to go to the afterlife, to return back to the real world, or, in Hurley and Ben's case, to stay and protect the island.

At the church of all religions, Hurley thanks Ben for being a great #2. It's clear that Hurley and Ben have not been island partners for the mere seconds it seemed in the episode. As Christian Shepherd says to Jack, the afterlife is a place where time doesn't matter. We're supposed to realize that we're seeing Hurley and Ben again at the end of their unseen reign on the island. Did they help heal lost souls who came by fate to the island's shores? Did they create a new band of Others? Was a new smoke monster unleashed? Did they bring their replacements to the island? We don't know what happened. Only that apparently their governance of the island was successful, and the gooey white light of the cycle of life is still intact.

We also don't know what lives Kate, Sawyer, Miles, Richard, Lapidus, Claire and Desmond lived when they returned from Lost island. Bothersome, but it's fun to speculate. How would the real world cope with the very odd appearance of a mostly-empty presumed crashed airplane, filled with only two passengers of the original flight (Kate and Lapidus), one person presumably lost in a freighter disappearance (Miles), two people presumably lost on a crashed Oceanic 815 flight (Claire and Sawyer), a guy who was last seen in a hospital bed recovering from a gunshot wound (Desmond) and a guy who works with a mysterious organization called Mittelos Bioscience and just so happens to be hundreds of years old? The press would not be so quick to dub these the "Ajira Six" and accept whatever incredible story they made up. Did Kate and Sawyer shack up? Doubtful considering the afterlife scenes we saw. But maybe Sawyer became a good father to Clementine. Maybe Kate helped Claire raise Aaron... and adopted Jin and Sun's baby Ji-Yeon. Maybe Desmond, Penelope and little Charlie inherited the deceased Widmore's millions and bought a sports team (they do like running in stadiums). Heck, maybe Richard went back to work at Mittelos and came up with a hip new line of eyeliner for their cosmetics department. That's all stuff for the sequel.

No, it doesn't answer everything. Why didn't Mom just let the MIB leave after Jacob was chosen to succeed her? What was Widmore trying to do, really? What's the deal with Walt? And plenty is up for interpretation. I'm still not really getting why the island is underneath the ocean in the afterlife. Maybe its because that's the afterlife of the island, when it does someday finally expire (hopefully no day soon).

But this episode did answer the big thing. What was it all about? The Losties came to the island to save the source of heaven and earth from destruction, and their mission was accomplished. In the process, their lives were transformed. They found fulfillment, love, and forgiveness. And that's what they needed from that very first season. The loop has been completed.

And most importantly...

SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

One last thing. Jimmy Kimmel sucks. He teased us with three "alternate endings" and I stayed up to watch them, only to find that they were three limp, unoriginal parodies that were already done better earlier this week by funnier comic troupes and you-tubers. Last time I'm ever watching Kimmel.

But after 6 seasons... I'm (sorta) satisfied with the way the series played out. I would have done a lot differently, but I'm not angry at The End. How 'bout you?

--------------------------
More theories from around the web:

Blogger Robz888 has a Narnia/Oz theory.

EW's Doc Jensen pretty much agrees with me.

Emily from NYMag resides in haterville.

The boys at Slate do not approve either.

Alan Sepinwall is a fan, and sort of figured out the sideways universe before anyone.

2010-05-21T08:57:00.000-04:00

Jewish Fantasy Baseball 2010 - Anyone Got A Jewish Shortstop???

This season hasn't started off well for my All-Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team. Brad Ausmus and Ian Kinsler started the season on the DL, weakening an already thin squad. And with Khalil Greene (Jew in Name only) washing out of the majors, I've struggled to find a suitable SS replacement (Willie Bloomquist... c'mon man!). The Major League Jews find themselves 1-5, last place in the West Division of MLB League 25184.

Yes, we did win a game.

Here's the current roster:

C- Chris Snyder, ARI. Yes, I know what you're thinking. Chris? But with Brad Ausmus on the DL, the Jew Crew needed a catcher, and "Snyder" is Jewish enough for me.

1B - Kevin Youkilis, BOS. A long-time Kee-pa Kids veteran, The Youk has started out this season in fine fashion, batting .324 with 8 HRs.

2B - Ian Kinsler, TEX. Back from injury and hitting balls like they were Nazis, Kinsler's batting .319 with a HR and 2 SB.

3B - Ryan Zimmerman, WAS. Jewish in name only, but perhaps his teammate Jason Marquis has taught him a barucha or two. That could be the reason he's hitting .311 with 8 HRs.

SS - Uh. Willie Bloomquist, KC. I wish I could tell you there was some stud Jewish shortstop on his way to the majors. Willie's batting .114. Someone get Derek Jeter to convert already.

OF - Ryan Braun, MIL. The prophecies were nearly correct. The messiah has arrived, but instead of walking through the gate at the Temple Mount, he's walked through the gate at Miller Park. And, you know, instead of world peace, he's brought five-categories of fantasy perfection. .333 average, 7 HRs, 9 SBs, 34 runs and 30 RBI.

OF - Gabe Kapler, TB. He's got the best Star of David tattoo in all of baseball. Unfortunately, he doesn't play that much. But his .250 AVG and 1 HR make Willie Bloomquist as jealous as one of Joseph's brothers.

OF - Nate Schierholtz, SF. Nate the great has been hitting .298 with 1 HR and 4 SB. Not lighting any fires, but enough to light the Shabbos candles at least.

UTIL - Ike Davis, NYM. His full name is Isaac Benjamin Davis. Yes, that's right, the New York Mets savior is a Jewish Boy, through his mother. He's already hit 4 Matzo balls out of the park.

Pitching Staff - Texas Rangers. Scott Feldman is the reason I chose the Texas Rangers as my pitching staff. He's had a rough year so far, 2-4 with a 5.90 ERA, but the Texas staff has been solid otherwise.

Bench:

1B - Lance Berkman, HOU. A mainstay of the Hebrew Hammers lineup, this Jew In Name Only is first off the bench if Davis, Youkilis, or Zimmerman struggles. Berkman is struggling himself however, batting .227.

OF - Adam Stern, MIL. A recent call-up, Stern could stick around if injuries to Milwaukee starter Jim Edmonds persist. Stern's been around a while, so maybe this is his chance to be invited to the Major League seder for good.

2B - David Eckstein, SD. He's not Jewish, but with a name like that, he might as well be. He's batting .287 with 1 HR. Now if he only played shortstop...

C - Brad Ausmus, LAD. On the DL, Ausmus probably won't get much playing time even when he does get back. But he's performed many a mitzvah for the Pais Players over the years, and his veteran presence is much needed.

OF - Travis Snider, TOR. I tried to get Adam Lind, who has a more Jewishy sounding name. But the Boston Red Dogs have so far refused to do business, despite my offers of James Loney, Nick Markakis, and Michael Bourn. Snider, however, may be the better player this year. He's on the DL now, but was hot before that, clocking 6 HRs with 3 SBs.

Overall, the Matzo Mashers are not as strong as we've been in the past, but they should hold their own and win some games. And who knows, maybe Jeter will convert after all.

2010-05-12T12:35:00.002-04:00

Goodbye Stuyvesant Deli, Goodbye Stuyvesant Town

In New York City, every resident has their own favorite neighborhood bodega, a small grocery store where vital supplies (beer, lottery tickets, candy and the occasional sandwich) can be purchased 24 hours a day. Mine was the Stuyvesant Grocery Deli. That's it in the picture above, at shortly after 11 AM this morning.

Blogger EV Grieve has more on the devastating scene. I won't get there until after work today.

My heart goes out to the guys that run the place. They always asked me how my day was, or where I'd been if I hadn't stopped by in a while. If I find out any way to help them, I'll post it on this blog.

In a way, it's fitting that a place that helped sustain me for the past 6 years just now went up in flames. In a few weeks, I'll be leaving Stuyvesant Town and the East Village behind, moving to a place on 32nd and 2nd, in Kips Bay.

Yeah yeah. I know. Murray Hill. Does that mean I'll suddenly become a douchebag?

Maybe that's unfair to Murray Hill. Not everyone there is a douchebag. But if you're a New Yorker, you know the reputation. I'm leaving a place known for beatniks, punk rock and its rough and tumble character, for a place known for... well, the hair-gelled fist-pumping crowd at Joshua Tree and Brother Jimmy's. My New Haircut wasn't a joke in Murray Hill. It was a docudrama.

But maybe it's time to move on up. My favorite East Village bar, Musical Box, just closed a few weeks ago. Before that, my favorite hidden tiki bar, Waikiki Wally's closed. Before that, my favorite dancing and drinking place, Uncle Ming's closed. When your three favorite neighborhood bars shut down, maybe your neighborhood's trying to tell you something.

And now Stuyvesant Grocery Deli. I better move out soon, before the whole neighborhood closes down and goes up in flames.